


Purple, Green, Blue and Red

by DynamicKea



Category: The Yogscast
Genre: Dissociative Identity Disorder, Duncan's Lab, Flux Buddies, Gen, Hole Diggers, Magic Police, Multiple Lalna’s theory, literal split personality, ~technically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-14
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2018-04-14 16:15:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 106,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4571160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DynamicKea/pseuds/DynamicKea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once there was a man who invented, with apprentice in tow.<br/>Once there was a man who climbed into space.<br/>Once there was a man who guarded the region from magic.<br/>Once these men meet, their lives fall apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Janus Quadrifrons

In the land surrounding PandaLabs, spring was approaching. Warm sunlight peeked its shy head between clouds heavy with snow. Sheets of white slipped free from overhangs and branches. Icy hands faltered in the presence of warmth. Stalactites like glass hung from the doorway spikes, each tethered insecurely to various cracks and struggled to remain solid.

Even with patches of winter still bunched about the biome, birds flocked to Nano's forest. The great rams brayed greetings to each and every new visitor. The trees waved in good spirits, their own branches budded and dipped under the weight of their feathered friends.

Both of PandaLab's chimneys gulped and coughed. The final winter fires of the season were giving their last hurrah. Purple plumes of smoke weaved through the spring breeze. Above the door hovered Lalna, glaring at several icicles that in spite of spring still stared.

'You have four people inside you.'

Lalna startled. A thick stick he carried flew clean out of his arms. Once upon a time, this stick had been a broom. The shaft had long since shattered. And no, it was not his fault in the slightest. The stick clattered down the staircase, bounced, and jammed itself into a fence.

Several metres in the air, Lalna groaned. He cast a glance at the icicles that still hung dangerously over the door, then shifted his attention to the jetpack humming at his back. He certainly did not focus on the cold still grinning like kittens' teeth at him. Lalna definitely kept his mind away from how he should really get a thicker lab coat, maybe a thermal jacket instead of a purple shirt.

'Hold up,' Lalna called. The jetpack hummed a touch louder, then cut off as he dropped down beside the stick.

While he bent down and tried to puzzle out how it had trapped itself between several fence spokes, Lalna could see Nano approaching. She had the gold-ringed thaumometer in her hands. Lalna quickly searched his memories. Were they focusing on thaumatology this week?

Nano jumped and landed on the other side of the fence. She had a smile on her face, and watched for a minute as Lalna struggled with the stick. 'How'd you get it tangled that badly?'

'Uh. I didn't? Completely your fault,' Lalna said quickly.

'My fault? How's this my fault?'

Jabbing a finger Nano's way, Lalna glared at the stick. How could it be weaved between three portions of fence, and a part of the crop supports? _'You_ startled me.'

'Startled?' Nano had a grin on her face. 'What, you scared of me now?'

'Course not, you're the opposite of scary.'

'And what's that then?'

Lalna quickly glanced up, studied Nano, then back down to the stick. '...a lovely person that won't keep scowling at me?' he said eventually.

With a roll of her eyes, Nano slipped the thaumometer back into her pocket. She grabbed the other side of the stick. 'Wow, Lalna. You really messed this up.'

'No, I've got this,' Lalna said, batting her hands away. 'It's just a stick anyway, s’not important. Just need it to smash off the ice.'

Obligingly Nano stepped back, still grinning. 'You could always get a new stick.'

Lalna sat back and let the stick drop back to earth. Yeah, there was no way he was untangling that.

Nano's voice was dripping with put-on pity. 'You want me to get a new stick?'

'No! This one is fine, I'm going to get it out soon, don't bother.' With that, Lalna grabbed the stick and _pulled_.

The stick remained trapped in the fence.

'You fond of that stick or something?' Nano teased.

'Did you want something, or did you just come here to get my stick stuck and laugh?'

'Um... Nope! Totally forgot,' Nano said, sounding as cheerful as a bird. 'Maybe once you get--'

The stick broke free of the twisted fence with the sound of snapping wood. The remains of the stick and Lalna's hands shot at him, and the next second he was holding his nose and cursing.

'Oh my god!' Nano burst into laughter.

'S'not funny,' Lalna growled, eyes watering.

Between laughs, Nano managed to speak. 'At least you got your stick out!'

Lalna squinted up at Nano, then beside him to the stick. 'It hit me in the face! You could at least show some sympathy.'

'Nah, too busy being lovely,' Nano said.

'Ow,' Lalna said, directing another glare the stick's way. It didn't even have the decency to loosen in a normal manner. Instead it had decided to _explode_ into big woody shards, the two largest being the one that hit him and the one still caught in the fence. Lalna seized one hunk of stick, grimacing at the splinters.

'Poor Lalna,' Nano said. She kicked the fence, frowning as the stick remains still there refused to come loose. 'I'll portal over to the forest, see if I can find a new stick for you. Your nose alright?'

'It _hurts_ ,' Lalna muttered. He swung the stick remnant experimentally, noting the difference in weight and reach. 'Hm. Hey, Nano?'

Nano looked up from the fence. 'Ye--'

Lalna bopped Nano with the stick. 'Tag!' Lalna said, laughter lightening his tone. As he spoke he focused on the jetpack, feeling the pull at his shoulders then his feet leaving the ground. Nano dropped away, and Lalna waved at her from five metres above.

'Oh, you are in for it now!' Nano’s voice called, her own jetpack engaging in a quick hum. She shot into the air with rainbow flames roaring in her wake.

The slipstream started to slice at Lalna’s eyes and he pulled down his goggles. A moment's thought and he was away, diving up and between the two chimneys and down into the canopy Nano's forest. A blur that Lalna assumed was a bubble shot past his face and burst against a leaf.

Lalna shut off the jetpack and pressed himself into a tree. Far above he could hear Nano's jetpack, see glimpses of flame between leaves. It looked like they were drawing closer, lower, nearer.

_She can't see you, she can't see you, you may being wearing a **white** lab coat but there is now way she can--_

_Fooswh._

A ring of orange bloomed under Lalna. For a second he fell, hands missing the edges of the portal. Then gravity spiraled around him and tugged at his stomach. He was in a clearing staring up at the branches, a blue ringed portal, and then he was falling.

'That's cheating!' Lalna yelped as he fell back through the orange portal and out of his tree. Three branches walloped him, and then Lalna landed beside one of the rams.

Nano drifted past, content to snicker as Lalna tried to stand in slippery roots. She lightly tapped him with the tip of her portal gun.

'Tag,' she said.

Several twigs and bits of bark had tangled themselves into loose parts of Lalna’s lab coat. He brushed them off and took out his own bubble gun. As he did the hum of Nano’s jetpack kicked into high gear.

'You'd better run!' Lalna yelled after her.

The rainbow trail of his apprentice vanished into the branches, Lalna soon launching after her. A second later Nano returned the favour.

For the rest of the day, both bubbles and laughter spilled through the air. The thaumometer lay forgotten in Nano’s pocket. But what did it matter? Nothing could ever take the pair of them down.

 

* * *

 

With the deep growl of a dragon's roar the reactor burst into life. Beads of LEDs were embedded in the metallic structure, each frantically flicking between green, yellow and red. Against the solid black walls of the Vault these lights made no impact. Deep shadows that could contain a thousand treasures and several months worth of abandoned sandwiches glared outwards.

Xephos examined this with half open eyes. 'We need more coolant cells...' he said.

Shoving the lever again, the spaceman headed out of the black room. He heaved at the circular weighty door, its gears crackling and wheezing. Once a tiny crack was available Xephos ducked through, pushing the door shut again. The hinges creaked like an aged skeleton.

One hand planted itself against a glowing green panel on the wall. Things shifted, both in the wall and in the door itself. Gears and metal sealants oozed across perfectly positioned points and locked together. The panel pulsed red before it returned to green.

Xephos yawned and stepped back from the door. Next was the radiation suit, carefully peeled away and dropped into a tank of water. The tank gave a mournful beep and sealed itself, treadmill already rolling it towards the decontamination ward. Xephos moved back to the door, taking hold of a giant valve and pulling. More cranks and locks spun and clicked together until the god knew how heavy door was more impenetrable than the walls themselves.

That was step two in locking the Vault. Next came a series of button pressing that shoved various commands into the computing system. By this point, Xephos wasn't sure how many defences the three of them had stuck around the Vault. However he was certain that skin-melting gas, several tons of air pressure, a mallet, and a total vacuum were involved.

The final defence was a door identical to the rest at Hole Diggers Inc. Like every other door, it merely had a small scanner that tested the would-be intruder's DNA and fired several hundred rounds of lead at the skull of unauthorised individuals. A fairly basic defence all in all.

There was a crackle at Xephos’s side. _'You alright, friend?'_

Xephos checked that the door was securely shut, then slid his earpiece on. 'Sorry, sealing up the Vault,' he said. The spaceman strode down the hallway, noting the piles of papers, wrappers and spare parts strewn along the walls. 'How's everything in space?'

_'Uh. I think the farm's all right. It looks stable. Not so sure 'bout the oxygen collectors though. Or the laser.'_

'Ah. You want some help, friend?'

A sigh issued down the earpiece. _'Nah, I think I'm calling it a day. Lalna buggered off around an hour ago. You seen him anywhere?'_

Xephos paused, then doubled back down the hallway. 'I didn't hear the portal, then again, Vault and all. I'll just check on his lab, see if he's there or if he went off.'

There came a thoughtful hum from the earpiece. _'I'm on my way now. If Lalna’s faffing off somewhere again, can I loot the place?'_

Xephos placed his hand on a doorknob, pausing to let the scanner identify him and to shake his head at the dwarf's comment. 'You're not nicking his stuff. Honestly, Honeydew, he'd go mental if you broke anything.'

The door unlocked. Xephos took a solitary step into the air conditioned room and froze.

A brief burst of laughter broke the air.

Covering his mouth and trying not to grin, Xephos ducked out of the room. He spoke quietly. 'Oh my god. Honeydew, get over here, you need to see this.'

There was a shift in the air. A soft shudder washed over the world like a video skipping. Reality disassembled and was remade in the blink of an eye, the only change being that a dwarf was now located several hundred kilometres from where he was before.

_'I'm back,'_ Honeydew announced. _'You at the lab?'_

Xephos kept his tone low. 'Yeah, be quiet. Grab a camera too.'

_'Right. Gimmie a minute to dump all this shit.'_

Precisely one minute later, dwarf and spaceman peered into a darkened laboratory. Small green lights stared like eyes, creating shadows that shifted under the the blackened ceiling. One shadow continued to shift in the huge but cluttered room. There was the slight rise and fall of a person breathing, a snuffle of sleep in a place Xephos knew contained a small desk.

Honeydew nudged the door a bit wider. A stripe of light pooled for from the corridor and chopped a line of colour in the green hued shades of darkness. This fell across the sleeping shadow. Apart from a twitch in closed eyelids, Lalna remained slumped over his desk. One cheek was cupped by the crossed arms of their scientist, and the hoodie he wore under the mining laser's strap was somewhat askew. The bruises on Lalna’s nose had started to fade, probably gained from Lalna dropping something at his home's lab.

Xephos lowered the camera. 'We need to put a bed in here at some point...' he mused.

'We did. He set fire to it.'

'He did _what?'_

At Xephos’s exclamation, one of Lalna’s eyes slid open. It narrowed in the light that still dropped into the room and Lalna rolled to lie on his other cheek. 'Bugger off...' he mumbled.

The camera clicked again. This prompted Lalna to absently grope for a pencil and throw it towards the two outside. They darted out of the way, fleeing down the corridor with laughter in their wake. The door closed on Xephos's suggestion of filling the corridor with beds.

Lalna snuggled back into the crook of his arms. A smile was there, one that refused to fade even as Lalna’s mind switched off. Although the two acted like pricks sometimes, he wouldn't give them up for anything. Nothing would change that.

 

* * *

 

Sjin’s voice trailed from up the ladder. 'Alright. Teleport?'

'Straight to Asskabang.'

'Spare wands?'

'Uh, yeah, check one, check two.'

'Mmm, what about evidence bags?'

'You’re the one who gets those....'

'Oh!' Lalna heard the distinctive sound of a face palm. 'I think I left them at the farm....'

'Seriously? What were you doing with them!?'

The hole leading to the second floor gave a huffing sound. 'I’ll have you know that they make fantastic seed bags, thank you.'

'You can’t have taken _all_ of them.'

'Um, well, Xephos had an idea about automating the fields and we got too many seeds, and well....'

Lalna pulled his wand from his dark blue "combat" robes and flicked them towards one of the crates. 'Never mind, I’ll just set some plastic and we’ll make more later. You got your air sled?'

'I’m grabbing that right about now, actually. You?'

Lalna caught the air sled from where it flew from the crate and tucked it into his robes. 'I can’t find my spell book,' he said.

'I thought you got past that crutch?'

'Uh.' Lalna opened another crate, manually this time. 'I know most of them. Fireball is go, Starfall, not so good with Chili Beam--'

'H-hey, that one’s _mine_.'

'--and we both know ‘bout summoning on the fritz.' Lalna slammed the crate shut. 'We’ll need all the help we can get with that sort of thing. You still use yours with tricky stuff anyway.'

Sjin definitely sounded smug. 'True. But I’m not sharing!'

'Is it upstairs?' Lalna muttered as he searched through yet another crate. This one was filled to the brim with various confiscated chalk from some witchery dabbler. 'Sjin, can you see my book?'

'What?'

'Book! Still missing!'

'Why would it be up here? I thought you had it in your pocket?'

'I did! I do! It’s not here, Sjin,' Lalna said. He searched his pockets again as he clambered up the ladder at the back of the headquarters. 'Did you Troll it off me or something?'

Sjin’s face appeared at the top of the ladder. The farmer dropped past Lalna and began flicking his wand at several crates. 'I didn’t touch your book, where’s my air sled?'

'Gaaah!' Lalna dove towards the second floor chests. 'We’re supposed to be professionals! Where’s our bloody stuff?!'

Sjin shot past Lalna again, heading for a chest labelled "junk to sell." 'Alright, let’s just grab what we can and get going. We’ve got spare air sleds? Oh, yes we do. Come on then, the arrest awaits!'

With that, Sjin leaped onto the hardly-glowing air sled and shot down the ladder. A cheerful chime came from the distant doors.

'Sjin, wait for me!'

With the wind rushing past as they heading out and up, Lalna breathed deeply. He had to be confident. They had a world to protect, after all.

 

* * *

 

Lalna screamed. His wrists were on fire, his skull even more so. Teeth gritted, he swung his arms again and slammed the club against the wall. Then again. Then again.

A pause. Everything was strangely still in the silence. Even the hum of half torn machines, or the cubes of encased magic. Nothing could snap the quiet.

Nothing was working.

Nothing could work.

It began again. In time with the pounding in his skull and the club smacking dents into everything he could reach, Lalna screamed. There were oblong dents in the walls, the floor, the ceiling, yet he couldn't... he couldn't. The screams echoed and taunted their way around the laboratory. They passed the remotes and the spell books and treasures and snapped plates.

_Nothing worked,_ his screams echoed. _There's nothing left to do._

One more swing and the club snapped in two. The metal fell to the floor, rolling and stopping against a table.

He was stuck.

Laughter bubbled like acid in Lalna’s chest. It was fucking hilarious, wasn't it? Congratulations, applause, ha ha. He was stuck there, forever. Nothing would ever change that.

A brief giggle broke past Lalna’s lips. The club's handle slipped from his hands, his grip on himself falling to the floor. The giggle broke into a chuckle broke into laughter and _broke_.

Invisible strings were all around him, forcing his face into a frozen grin.

If he couldn’t fix it, he could damn well try and break it instead.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hooray for the obligatory "multiple Lalnas," story. I guess it's a bit late for one of these, but I had fun with it.


	2. Ornithes Areioi

Being part of a raid means participants need to prepare for everything. The _magic_ part of the “Magic Police,” title means that virtually anything could happen. A suspect tailed may end up with a wizard polymorphed into a velociraptor and aimed at innocent throats. Normal interviews could result in a bombardment of fire. Hostage situations were guaranteed to have one hostage forced to recount demands.

It was impossible to be prepared for every situation. After all, criminal scum came up with new methods to abuse magic every day. Two people couldn't possibly anticipate the actions of madmen.

Naturally Lalna and Sjin attempted to do so anyway. And it was a pain. How many cruel and idiotic plans could the world come up with? Answer: Enough so that every town, every village, every secluded farmstead, entire populations of biomes, each could have a unique and emotion-snapping death.

Sure some civilians might live long enough for rescue. Their life expectancy rested on how much the mage fucked with them. Or the civilians were cursed to fates worse than death. Or Lalna and Sjin themselves were too late, too hesitant, too damn slow to save the innocent in time.

Even if they reached the crime in time, it was impossible to know _exactly_ what the situation was. Was it something they could fix? Would this mission be their last? Or worse. Could this be their partner's last? That was never a question Lalna wanted answered. That was something that he refused to think about until far in the future, preferably after they retired. And the best way to ensure that the maximum amount of lives were saved in the meantime was to be prepared.

The first stage of preparation was to look for rumours. A lot could be learned from rumours. Rumours had a tendency for exaggeration and logic facilities, but they always held some truth in them. They were even more truthful when the askers wore cloaks enchanted to obscure their faces and spoke in low, meaning-filled tones.

Universally, a bar that was dull-lit and contained smoke thick enough to suffocate a dragon also contained one person willing to speak on the topic of an investigation. Sometimes it was necessary for an exchange in wealth to trigger a conversation. But there was always someone. The trick was noticing them.

Deep underground in a bar that was closely related to a muddy hole, Lalna had found one. In that case it was a lesser dwarf that spilled the beans, with a payment of five rounds and a promise of anonymity for his knowledge.

And what knowledge. The dwarf had ushered Lalna to the back of the bar, where the smoke was thickest. He had spoken of a lady draped in red. She had dropped from the sky and danced among his clan. Death had showered the caves in blasts of sound. Children were snatched from parents through holes in space. Clan-guiders who challenged her were greeted by hands of taint which choked life from their voices.

It was quite the elaborate tale Lalna had listened to. The dwarf had gone into immense detail about how impossible it was that the Royals let him live without some scheme. Eventually Lalna paused the dwarf long enough to ask a question.

‘Where is your clan?’

The dwarf’s words were punctuated with a belch. ‘Ssshere... dead, aren’t shey?’ he croaked. His teeth flapped. When they snapped together Lalna expected them to crack. ‘The... the bloody Queen, sheh... sheh... ‘scuse me... sheh an’ her li’le phhluxy friend, shey came ‘long an... murder-ded ‘em.’

Lalna had drummed on his untouched mug. ‘Yes, I understood that. Where _were_ your clan located?’

The dwarf directed Lalna’s inquiry to a blackened mountain several biomes to the south-west. There Lalna and Sjin had explored the catacombs and halls; done so on air sleds to avoid the flesh still embedded in the walls. There wasn't any heat or light down in the caves. Even the lava had frozen. With magic sparks of light to show the way -- white for Sjin and blue for Lalna -- they carefully combed the labyrinth.

‘Any sign of taint?’ Sjin had said.

‘Nah. Barely anything. You?’

In the cold light, Sjin’s face was a foggy reflection. ‘I found dead dwarves. Some coins. Most of the treasury’s been raided already. There's bullet cartridges everywhere.’

‘We‘ll need to send some of those to Port, get them to do some ballistic science or whatever they do with them. Have you gotten evidence bags yet?’

‘Already have the bullets in them.’

‘Right, let’s get the hell out of this tomb.’

All in all the mountain did not give much information on the Fluxed Royals or the taint. Bullets, a few marks on the walls from swords, death, death, and death. Bloody place gave Lalna the creeps and not much else. It did confirm the dwarf’s story of an entire clan being massacred by a small group of humans though. If it were a rival clan responsible, there would have been corpses of dwarves from both sides and evidence of more weaponry. As it was, a maximum of two types of sword and a ton of different guns were responsible for the carnage. To Lalna’s knowledge, guns were not the typical dwarven weapon.

Even so, there were no signs of taint. No traces of rituals or soul's magic. No sign of who had slaughtered those beings, and any biological evidence had long since turned to dust.

At least there were other rumours to follow. A lad had told Lalna about rainbow fire leaving the mountain many months prior. A licenced witch had chatted with Sjin about a girl who had strange purple marks and flown with coloured flames. Closer, closer, nearer, nearer, the rumours and sightings cut the landscape into a net of suspicion.

It had taken a while for Lalna to stumble across the final lead. He hadn't even seen it coming.

The lead had shown up in a bar, of course. It was a great deal cleaner than the dwarf's bar. Plus the roof was a good few metres above his head at all times, and the highest point could probably house an ent. The only dangers were the open flames on each table that looked far too ferocious to be housed on candles.

It wasn't the usual place Lalna and Sjin would visit. Lalna hadn't even been on duty. He had just found himself flying past the bar and decided, _dammit he needed a drink_. Of course the night he decided to visit a bar for alcohol was the day someone finally decided to talk.

'You the Magic Police?'

Lalna had scowled and glared at the shape who cast shadows over him. 'Who's asking?' he said. Absently he had taken stock. Large fellow, almost completely covered with a trenchcoat and had a wide brimmed hat shading his face. No clear clues to his identity either, and it would have been hard to locate any without being obvious.

What Lalna _had_ seen was the man's eyes. They held a mix of nerves, frustration, and fear. Intelligence too, that was always a plus in interviews.

'Well?' Lalna had prompted.

'N-names not important, innit it?' the man said. 'You don't _need_ a name to make a complaint. Do you?'

Deliberately Lalna tilted his head and allowed the artificial darkness of his hood to curl around him. Even the inferno candle wouldn't allow someone to see his face. Not one member of the bar could identify Lalna, let alone the man before him.

'Depends, really. What's the complaint?' Lalna said. His eyes shifted to the rest of the bar. Barely anyone had been there, and Lalna had wondered if he should ask around for leads before he left.

To Lalna's later frustration, he mostly tuned out the man. He had kept a careful track of dates and locations and the nature of the crimes the man had be the victim of. Apparently the man had been cursed with hallucinations and delirium. The perpetrators had been a pair, male and female, and held the cure to ransom until the man gave in to their demands. No names, of course. That would have made things far too easy. It sounded like a routine operation, one that Lalna could easily take care of one his own.

It had not sounded like the modus operandi of the Royals, that was for sure.

The man had grown more confident the longer he had spoken. Apparently confidence meant that he had mustered the courage to lapse into snide comments and innuendos and countless tangents that told Lalna nothing. He had started to count the number of stains on the ceiling and ponder how on earth they'd gotten up there.

‘You have _got_ to arrest those little _flux_ buddies,’ the man had eventually snarled. ‘Or so help me, there’ll be nukes in the air!’

It took a long, tired moment for Lalna to realised the man had finished. 'I see. I'll personally look into the matter, but next time could....'

Lalna’s voice trailed off. The man's eyes had narrowed.

'Could? Could what, then?' he had said.

'...What did you call them?' Lalna said.

‘What--’

The man didn’t have time to utter another word. He would have only seen a blur of movement and felt his coat yank him down to the table. Then all he could have seen was the candle in front of him and Lalna’s wand at his throat.

‘I said, _what_ did you call them?’ Lalna demanded.

Thankfully the man was quick on the uptake. ‘Flux buddies! T-that’s what we always call ‘em!’

_‘Why?’_

‘Cause they ain’t going past that, are they?’ the man yelped. ‘Just they’re buds, thought it was funny--’

‘No, that’s not what I’m asking. Why flux?!’

Flames from the candle highlighted the man's eyes. They were wide, focused on the wand and presumably on Lalna’s grip.

‘That, we thought-- alright, alright stop _chokin’_ me! We heard of that lady, that Flux Queen, right? And m’ friend, he does a lot of tainty magic and said taint was purple, and _she’s_ all purple too and bloody well _drippin’_ , so--’

The grip Lalna had on the man’s cloak slackened, and the man fell against the table. He didn't remain there for long. Instead he staggered back and out of the bar with surprising speed. His footsteps sounded like sacks that rubbed wrong against the wood. The bar door slammed shut in the man's wake.

Lalna had kept his gaze fixed on the opposing wall. What he could recall of the conversation ran like drowning spiders through his mind. The patrons of the bar then were privileged to see a Magic Police officer tear out of the room like an elemental was after him.

Several hours later Lalna had crashed through a window in the Yankee headquarters and grabbed Sjin.

‘I know where the Royals are,’ he had gasped.

Things moved quickly after that. The next time Sjin was on duty the pair had traveled straight to the biome the man had described. And there, they waited.

For the weekend, that was. Sjin had his farm to look after and many building commissions to work on during the week, but every weekend Sjin joined Lalna in watching the Fluxed Royal’s lair.

The biome was a forest. The Twilight trees grew together, so close it was impossible to tell which branch emerged from which trunk. Hairy vines trailed from a canopy denser than diamonds. It always seemed damp. The soil clotted at the edges of Lalna’s cloak and he could have sworn that it fused to the fabric. Creatures slithered at the corners of his eyes. They never stayed still long enough for Lalna to examine from the cave he hid in. All he caught were flashes -- a hoof, a rainbow pelt, black feathers. The glimpses Lalna saw were oddly regular, almost as if the creatures patrolled the Royal’s realm.

Even in the darkness it was easy to find the Royal’s home. There were only two options: the red factory outside the forest or the tiny creepy hut deep under the trees. Neither of them had gone into the hut yet. Even if Lalna didn’t have a headache, he had a feeling he'd set off a trap or dozen if he walked in blind. Lalna did take a look at an altar when they first investigated. It may have been abandoned though, since the thing was choked by tree roots. Nature’s magic was all sorts of warped by the Twilight trees as well. No sane mage would touch it with a ritual knife, let alone altars and chalk.

 _Sane_ mage.

And there lay the problem.

What _sane_ person would try harness nature’s magic in a forest this deranged? What _sane_ person would waltz over to Lalna’s castle and try to _use_ the taint!

Apart from himself. It was his castle though. That excused it.

Plus if Lalna hadn’t tried to analyse the stuff, the Magic Police wouldn’t have nearly the same information as they did now. Sure, Lalna had been half driven mad. That had been worth it to know that a vial of the stuff could keep an entire colony fully functioning in space for at _least_ ten years, and more facts beyond that. If the whole "insanity," issue could be fixed, Lalna could have marketed it to every kingdom in the surroundings and retired long ago. Or the Magic Police could use it for anything they desired.

Course flux _did_ cause insanity in every creature that walked on, flew above, or touched it. Which was why Lalna’s castle had been placed under quarantine in the first place. No man, woman, child, or vaguely meat-shaped creature were permitted to enter. Especially Lalna and Sjin.

So why the fuck did the Royals decide to get themselves tainted? Lalna and Sjin had a wall of brainstorms on that question: power; the pair had been forced into it by a third party; total accident. In the end it didn’t matter how the Queen and King had ended up in the taint’s coils. What _mattered_ was how the pair were murderers, insane, had attempted to spread the taint even further, and had given Lalna numerous headaches from how they hadn't appeared.

Lalna and Sjin needed to arrest them. Yet three weekends of constant surveillance only resulted in muddy cloaks.

Through the tree trunks, Lalna had a clear view of the mossy hut. No movement came from inside. It was just like every other day. There was the stench of rain, a humid taste that hung heavy over every blot of air, and nothing else.

Lalna shivered. It felt like water had dribbled down his back.

‘Think they’ll show up today?’ Sjin whispered. He was dressed the same as Lalna. Blue combat cloak, with a focus on deflecting curses instead of identity concealment this time. Course there was also a heavy lack of waterproofing and insulation. Not the best clothes to be wearing in a cave in the dirt. Then again all the other Magic Police cloaks had the same focus on perks over comfort, and when the Royals finally showed up they'd be glad for the protection.

‘Hope so.’ Lalna touched his forehead. Didn’t help. ‘You’ll get a cold too if we need to do this any longer.’

‘Still sick?’

Lalna grunted in confirmation.

‘If you’re sick, we shouldn’t interview them,’ Sjin said. ‘Should send them straight to Asskabang, then I’m shoving every healing potion I’ve got down your throat.’

Lalna’s response was almost automatic. ‘I am _not_ drinking your crap potions.’

‘You’ll drink the potion, or I lock you in your room.’

'You give me all your chocolate ‘till the end of the year and I'll take it.'

'Fine! No potion for you. Hope you enjoy your cold.'

'I hope you catch it,' Lalna said. He tried to keep his expression straight.

The pair fell silent. Another flash of feathers swept past, too fast for Lalna to properly observe.

Rocks crunched under Sjin.

'This is so boring!' Sjin complained. 'What if they’ve been sitting inside the entire time? They could just be teleporting their way in and out.’'

Lalna laughed. 'Or maybe one's a vampire, and only goes outside when it's really cloudy.'

'Well, that would explain their taste in neighbourhood, just look at all these tr--' Sjin, who had leaned out of the cave to gesture upwards, abruptly dived backwards and flattened himself against the stone. In an instant both policemen had cast invisibility spells. Their colour melted from the air. All that remained were slight impressions of distorted shape, like clear glass in a pool of water.

‘Where?’ Lalna said.

‘Up there, above the hut.’

Wand at the ready, Lalna scanned the air. The watchful forest was still dark. Small pockets of rainbow fire fell from above and twirled between the sunbeams.

Rainbow fire.

On a mental checklist, Lalna inscribed a tick.

A cheer-drenched whoop echoed across the silent forest. The fire and a shape draped in red dropped between the branches, slowed, and landed gently before the hut. More ticks for Lalna’s list. Red clothes, black hair, purple taint over her hands and face. There were no questions. This was the Flux Queen.

Dread pressed at Lalna like a lonely dog. This was just a little girl. What possessed her to go anywhere near that poison? It almost seemed absurd.

...He really wanted to go home.

The distortion that was Sjin twitched and retreated further into the cave. 'Oh my god.'

The Queen disappeared into the hut. Some hairy vines parted and swayed around her like a curtain of snakes. Once the vines went still, Lalna decloaked and faced Sjin. 'What? What's wrong?'

When Sjin next spoke his voice sounded croaked. 'Lalna, we have a problem,' he said.

'Well, what is it?'

‘I know her. Conflict of interest, second section?’

‘Second section… um, isn’t that part all about when there’s _confusing_ blood between two parties? And how the hell--’

Sjin spoke rapidly. ‘Her name’s Nano, I met her an age ago. Back farming on my own? You remember Strawfingers, right?’

Lalna nodded. Creepy asshole now had a nice cell at Port Notchington (One of the greatest testificate prisons in all of Minecraftia, it has been said, with a capacity of over 3,500 prisoners and the finest team of Magic Policemen). Lalna attempted to speak, only for Sjin to cut over him.

‘I went looking in the Nether for him that first time, and I found what could’ve passed for a base, I didn’t find him. Found her instead, all tied up and half starved. She barely remembered anything and I looked after her, then she blew up and I had no idea where she went or even if she _lived_ and I--’

For several seconds Lalna tried to find Sjin’s face. He soon cast Dispel, waited for Sjin to snap back into view, then clapped his hand over Sjin’s mouth. ‘Slow down a bit,’ Lalna said. ‘Strawfingers can’t be involved, can he? He’s in Port, he can’t be the King, right?’

Lalna could feel Sjin shake. He made a negative sound under Lalna’s hand, eyes wide.

When Lalna moved his hand away, Sjin’s voice was still like _he_ was the one with the cold. ‘I don’t think so but, but I could have sworn Nano died. It was massive, I looked everywhere but she never came down after the explosion… what do we do?’

Lalna narrowed his eyes. ‘That’s easy. We still have an arrest to do.’

‘But--’

‘ _Sjin_. Come on.’

Why was his throat dried up now, of all times? Lalna tried to swallow, eyes focused on the hut. Smoke had started to rise from the chimney, with what looked like runes twisting into being.

‘I...’ Sjin began.

‘For fuck’s sake, _we need to arrest her_. You can have a heartfelt reunion _later_ , when her taint won’t go everywhere!’ Lalna felt the headache pound a touch harder and he jabbed his wand Sjin’s way. ‘I need you to focus, Sjin!’

Sjin’s eyes darted everywhere. A focused expression battled his worried look. ‘I’m with you, I’m with you,’ he said.

‘I’ve got Troll,’ Lalna said. ‘You’re taking out the roof.’

The farmer stared towards the hut. For a moment, Lalna considered if he should stamp on Sjin’s foot. Before he could follow through with the idea, a look of squeamish determination made its way to Sjin’s face. ‘R-ready,’ Sjin said.

‘You first,’ Lalna said.

They slipped forward. Rocks crunched underfoot, then dry leaves as they moved closer. The nearer they drew the faster they went, until they were at a dead run. The shock of Lalna’s feet against the ground juddered his headache and he grimaced.

_Once this is done, I’m taking a holiday._

Light footed the pair leaped and landed on the roof. The moss on it was dry as a desert, even with the rain that had lashed the biome the previous few days.

Lalna almost re-cast the invisibility spell. But, no, that would just eat through his soul with the other spells he'd need to cast. He didn’t want to prohibit himself from spells for the next 24 hours.

‘Sjin?’ Lalna muttered. His partner nodded and prodded the roof with a thoughtful expression.

Up close and personal to the hut, Lalna could hear movement. Chests swung open and shut. The characteristic creak was just as nasty as their own had been. Course, that was before they thought up the spell to grease the hinges. Sounds of bubbles also made its way to the roof. Alongside was a tuneless hum. Lalna rubbed at his temple.

Sjin poked one side of the roof, then crawled to the other. ‘Think I’ve found the weak points,’ he whispered.

‘Don’t _tell_ me about it, just break it!’ Lalna hissed back. Sjin briefly scowled, then stabbed the roof with his wand.

A pulse of white magic flared, then lines shot across the roof and formed runes. Each bright line hissed as moss, wood, iron and all started to dissolve.

Meanwhile, Lalna peddled in midair as the roof vanished under him. Through the hole that expanded alarmingly fast, Lalna caught a glimpse of Queen’s face.

‘Hey, whoa-- hey!’

In the seconds of midair confusion, Lalna blinked. That was not what he expected a tainted-to-insanity individual would say. It almost made him want to grin in nostalgia.

(Nostalgia? Argh, stupid headache.)

As Lalna fell he focused. Shards of warmth were pried from his soul, nurtured, and then spat down his arm and out in pulses of blue. Troll, Troll, and then one more for good measure. The walls spun past him. A table splintered around Lalna. The wood pressed uncomfortably at him, then stabbed as he hit the floor.

... _Ouch._

‘What’s going on!? Why’s it dark, _where’s my sword?!_ ’ a shrill voice stabbed.

Balance off-centre, Lalna pried at the table remains. A shelf appeared under his fingers and he pulled himself up. Eyes scanned for their target and tossed aside the irrelevant: chests, cauldrons, drying herbs, potion bottles cracked to the floor, bits of moss from the receding ceiling, kettles, vials, more herbs. Seconds of search, and then Lalna raised his wand and pointed at one of the corners.

The Queen was pressed at the wall. She had the classic forced contraction of the pupil and the rapidly twitching fingers of the Troll. At least one had hit, probably two going by Lalna’s past records. Tossed to her side was a purple and green sword--

A nail crushed into Lalna’s skull. His headache flared. It ensnared his concentration, it screamed in his ears, it didn’t let up nor allow attention to flinch away from it. Lalna found himself with one hand pressed at the side of his skull. The other struggled to keep his aim steady. For a moment Lalna’s sight skipped. ‘Sjin, Asskabang her,’ Lalna managed.

‘W-- Lalna? What are you doing?’

The Queen stared at Lalna. It looked like the taint actively pooled from her pores and oozed across her flesh. Yet it never dripped from her. She looked a bit like a haughty lava lamp. Her right eye was surrounded with taint, the eye itself a grey gooey glaze without a pupil.

...She had been hit by the Troll. How could she stare at him?

‘I’ve got her sword,’ Sjin announced.

The Queen’s head and _eye_ whipped around like a cobra to stare at Sjin. ‘Sjin!’ the Queen hissed. ‘You’re such a scrub!’

Lalna abruptly realised he had been inching backwards, like the Queen was a disapproving mother. Was he grinning? Why-- no, he wasn’t! This was bad, why was she still able to see?

For a second Lalna couldn’t hear for stabs of pain. He shook his head and tried to think of a good spell to take the Queen down.

‘--a scrub!’ Sjin was saying. ‘Why would you call--’

‘You are! You _blew me up!_ Lalna, why are you with this guy!?’

Lalna winced as the Queen’s gimpy eye fixed on him. ‘Ngghh….’

The Queen might have looked confused. It was hard to tell with the infection dripped over her. ‘Lalna, what are you doing hanging out with this… this scrub?’

His sight burned and blurred.’I… I’m a member of the Magic Police...’ Lalna said slowly. The Queen, and those eyes, were sliding closer to him. She didn’t look like she was listening.

‘Why are you wearing robes, and where’s your lab coat?’

‘M-my lab… coat?’ A distant memory clawed at him and tried to flee. He, he had worn a lab coat. That was back when his castle was habitable but… how could she….

The Queen spoke clearly, her voice a mallet to his skull. ‘Lalna, you hate Sjin! What are you doing?’

‘I….’ Guilt snarled at Lalna. He needed to run, he needed to go home, he needed to get away from the hut and the girl and the forest. No! He had to focus.

Vaguely Lalna noted Sjin was behind the Queen.

‘What are you doing…?’ Lalna said blankly.

Sjin punched her. It wasn’t a hard punch, she only stumbled a few feet and remained upright. It was the thought that counted. The painful buzz in Lalna’s brain dropped when his eye contact with the Queen snapped, when she was no longer _staring_ at him like _he_ was the bad guy.

‘Ow! Hey--’

‘Lalna!’ Sjin was in front of Lalna. When did he get there? ‘Lalna, look at me, she’s playing mind games.’

‘Mmf, what?’

Pink swirled in front of Lalna, and he struggled to look at the potion Sjin held in front of his eyes. The pink glow wavered. ‘She’s got an entire chest full of these,’ Sjin said urgently.

Lalna took the bottle. The glass was like she had stuffed the contents with ice. ‘This… love potions? She’s, she’s been bewitching people?’ That was it then. They had evidence. The Queen was breaking the law, and he shouldn’t feel guilty about throwing the tiny girl into jail. She even tried to bewitch them.

Lalna’s wand, which had dropped as the Queen spoke, snapped back up.

‘Hey, _no_. I made those for Valentine’s Day!’ the Queen hissed.

‘For who?’ Lalna said.

Sjin stepped between Lalna and the Queen. He was trembling again, but he kept his wand up.

‘The “King,” perhaps?’ Sjin said. ‘You’d need powerful potions to convince someone to jump into the flux with you….’

 _We need to get out of here_ , Lalna thought. _I’m sick, Sjin has a history with her. If her M.O is to bewitch people, we are **dead**._

‘What’s _that_ supposed to mean!? I wouldn’t do that! Lalna, tell him!’ And those eyes were back and that same damn _buzz_ tore at Lalna’s skull.

‘C-cut that out, stop it,’ Lalna said.

‘T-there’s plenty of other evidence in those chests,’ Sjin said. ‘Just as we suspected. There’s even a thing, a “Sceptre of Life Draining.”’

‘Life _draining?_ ’

The Queen made an adorable (No! _Not_ adorable!) sound of rage. ‘Lalna! You were there when we got that! We got through that dungeon and--’

‘S-Sjin, arrest her! She--’ Lalna grunted. Everything was a tool of torture. His whole head _hurt_. His eyesight leapt in tandem with the bang in his brain.

With a nod and a white glow on his wand, Sjin faced the Queen. ‘Right, you’re--’

The Queen snarled, and behind her was something long and black and _gun_.

‘--under a-- holy _shit!!_ ’

The air bent.

A weight slammed into Lalna’s chest. His sight went black from patterns streaked over him. The world was a hand seizing Lalna, shaking him. A great roar split the air and vertigo rolled along the sound’s vibrations. Teasing oxygen became a wall of gas that cracked into him and threw him upwards.

Then the world struck. His whole side was on fire. Lalna felt the ground bounce and spin around him, his arms and legs being flung every which way. This was pain. Solid, not that infernal ache that had sat in Lalna’s head for the past three weeks. This was real harm, sharp and clear compared to the fuzzy whispers in his head. It was enough hurt to shove the ghostly thoughts of _why am I doing this_ to the side.

Lalna opened watering eyes, curled half in on himself. He could see trees rotate above him and a distant glimpse of the sky. A tree trunk halted near his head.

‘Argh...’ he croaked.

‘Lalna!’ a distant voice screamed.

 _Give me a second, hurting a lot_ , Lalna thought numbly. _Leave a message at Yankee Station._

‘Lalna, get up! Run!’

Bursts of rainbow fire streaked against Lalna’s sight. His limbs felt sluggish. All four of them. Lalna snatched fistfulls of his hair and wrenched himself upright, almost toppling as he made it to his feet. A tree loomed from nowhere and Lalna fell into it, clutching to and cowering in the undergrowth. The Queen was airborne, and Lalna could hear the bangs of bullets.

Sjin skidded to a halt next to Lalna. ‘You alright?’ Sjin gasped.

‘No! Everything hurts! What the hell happened?’

‘She, s-she has a bazooka! She tried to kill us!’

‘I thought you said you knew her!’ Lalna said.

‘I do! The taint must’ve driven her mad, or maybe that explosion messed her up. Lalna, what the hell do we do?!’

‘We still arrest her, preferably before she manages to bewitch us.’ Lalna’s hand twitched towards his air sled. Currently it was compressed in one of his pockets. Would the world spinning mess with his ability to pilot it? ‘If one of us could get behind her, send off a teleport….’

With a jerky nod, Sjin aimed upwards. ‘Where’d she go?’ he said.

Lalna tried to look up yet his eyes twinged. ‘She has to be nearby, still have the headache. Argh, she probably knew we were here this whole time!’

Trees. Leaves. A branch. Another branch. Nature, nature, nature, where the hell was the Queen?! Dread echoed through Lalna, and he hoped that the emotion belonged to him and wasn't a product of the Queen's spells.

‘This is bad,’ Sjin said quietly. He hopped his weight from foot to foot. ‘Oh god, Lalna, this is really bad.’

‘Just stay focused,’ Lalna ordered. One patch of sky had a trace of cloud in it. Funny, the patch of sky was a perfect oval. And it had an orange glow at the edges. And it was on a tree trunk. And looked a bit like a hole in space. ‘Hold on--’

A rustle of branches came from above. Lalna glanced up in time to see a purpled face drop from the branches and hover above them.

‘Sjin, I’ve got something for you,’ the Queen almost sang. Her grin was too large, it looked like her jaw was about to fall off. She held up a small grey object. ‘You see what this is?’ the Queen said smugly.

‘Uh oh,’ Lalna said. He immediately prepped another Troll.

‘This is a poppet with your blood on it, Sjin,’ the Queen gloated. ‘You are in trouble, mate!’

Sjin didn’t respond, instead firing a white blast of soul at her. It looked like a Drop-It. The Queen dodged easily around it and the blue spells Lalna added to the shower. No matter how many Lalna fired, the Queen kept dodging and weaving with her... her… jetpack…?

 

_‘Here we go… I’m hovering, I’m hovering!’_

_‘Yay! Now, look at the colours of the jetpack!’_

_‘OH MY GOD! It’s a rainb--!’_

 

Lalna staggered, his empty hand clutched at a tree branch. His attempts to stay upright barely worked.

‘Drop it! Drop the poppet!’ Sjin was yelling.

 _Voodoo poppet_ , Lalna vaguely thought through his bludgeoned skull. Like most poppets, these are some of the greatest examples of sympathetic magic. _By binding the doll to a target via the target’s blood, a link is formed between the doll and the target. A strong magic user can manipulate the doll and have identical effects replicated on the target including: lacerations, curses, asphyxiation, shock, and if a powerful or emotional magic user attempts it, death._

‘You really want me to drop it from here?’ The Queen swung the doll back and forth. ‘Want me to throw it?’

White spellfire died.

‘N-no, don’t drop it!’ Sjin glanced towards Lalna. His expression looked helpless.

‘How’d she get your blood, Sjin?’ Lalna muttered. Sjin’s face looked hazy.

‘W-what if she tears my head off?!’ Sjin said.

‘With sympathetic magic? Ngh, no way she’s strong enough.’

A growl of rage fell from above. ‘Right, just for that, I’m going to do that right now!’

Lalna’s attention snapped like faulty wires. ‘What? No, _don’t_ \--’

The Queen’s hand violently pulled at the poppet’s “head.” Immediately Sjin flinched. Lalna could see the back of his head starting to redden. All of Sjin’s muscles tensed together. All of a sudden Lalna couldn't move and his heart had vacated his chest. His eyes were locked to Sjin’s neck and expected to see skin split any second.

Sjin’s neck grew redder and redder like a rash. He shivered, then Sjin rolled his head back with a taut grin on his face.

'It’s… it’s a bit like a Chinese burn,’ he remarked.

Silence. The Queen loosely held the poppet up and tugged at it’s “arm.”

‘Wow,' she said in disgust. ‘This doll, this doll does _nothing_.’

Lalna tried to smile mockingly. That was one way to clear a threat. Mock it completely and watch it fizzle out. ‘That’s not a doll, that’s a sock,’ he said.

It was a functional poppet though. If she decided to throw it away, Sjin would get knocked around badly.

The Queen’s expression was scrunched together. ‘Lalna, you said--’

‘I don’t know you!’ Lalna said. Warmth rushed through his hand and he fired another Troll her way. ‘Stop _looking_ at me like that!’

Why did it feel like he was talking to himself, and why was his magic screaming?

Even though the blue daggers of light spat through the air at blinding speeds, the Queen dodged them all. She looked at Lalna oddly, like she was _sad_. But that could not be right. It couldn’t. And then more fire burst from her back and--

‘Sjin! Teleport!’

\--and she had vanished.

The light of a teleport spell died from Sjin's wand. He shook his head. 'Too late,' Sjin said. 'Sorry, Lalna. I think we're gonna need to retreat.'

'B-but she's still got your blood. We can't let her go, we can't give her enough time to destroy your poppet,' Lalna said.

'What about you?' Sjin said. 'She's trying to bewitch you!'

'So long as we put her behind bars, she can do as much bewitching as she likes.' Lalna threw his air sled into the air, waited a second for it to stabilize, then climbed on. 'You going to help me?'

Sjin’s shoulders were hunched. 'I--'

'For godsake... Sjin, the Queen is _not_ your friend. Didn't you notice how she's trying to _kill_ and _brainwash_ us? We can interrogate her at Asskabang later, but right now I need you to not fuck up because of year-old sentimental stuff!'

'But she looks-- she _sounds_ \--'

'She's insane and covered in taint! And did I mention the killing and brainwashing and how she's _getting away?!_ Come _on_ , Sjin!'

Sjin shivered and glanced at the partially collapsed hut in the distance. His back straightened a notch. 'Right. But once she's in Asskabang, we hear her out.'

'Sure, sure. Can we get out of the Twilight bush now?'

The twigs snatched at Lalna’s hands as he broke free of the forest. It was a sunny day outside, if the storm clouds several biomes north were ignored. Directly above the sky was clear and Lalna could see for miles around him.

Sjin burst out of the trees behind him. 'See any sign of her?'

'Nope.' Lalna spun, careful not to overextend the air sled. It was a nice landscape. Trees were right below, mountains squatted in the distance, rivers and flatlands lazed all around. No sign of rainbow fire or the Fluxed Royal.

'What about that factory, over there?' Sjin said.

Lalna blinked. 'What factory?'

'...Down there, right next to the forest.'

'Oh, that one.' Lalna examined the building. Red walls, white lines, chimneys and spikes. It looked nothing like a panda or a magic bloated building. '...No, that's technological for sure. Royals probably wouldn't go anywhere near that.

Sjin drifted forward. 'She did have a jetpack,' he said doubtfully. 'And there wasn't anything to charge it with in the hut.'

'Would she really break into the nearest building knowing that we're after her though? If I were her, I'd have flown over the mountains, hid in a cave. Not go hang out right by the crime scene.'

They were silent for a few minutes. Sjin shifted, glancing between Lalna and the factory. '...You still got that headache?' he said eventually.

Lalna winced. 'It's hard to ignore when you keep bringing it up,' he snapped. 'Why?'

'...If you're getting that headache 'cause of her manipulating you, she might be making you want to stay away.'

'Where'd you get that idea?'

'It's the only building nearby that she could hide in, and you're trying to dismiss it.'

'Oh... was I?'

'Yeah.'

Lalna eyed the factory and carefully thought over the conversation. There was an uncomfortable buzz under the traces of pain. He took out his wand. 'If she manages to get me completely, you better not let her go,' Lalna said.

Before he could hear Sjin’s reply, Lalna dove.

Air whipped around Lalna. It pulled at his arms and tried to dislodge him. The wind was freezing and pressed into his bones. There was a dread there too (a dread that crept and burned and why the fuck was he going towards the fucking place).

Lalna landed and dismissed the air sled. He could hear his heartbeat stab at his skull. Sjin dropped down by the door, narrowly missing a row of spikes. They looked identical to the ones Lalna installed into the guardian traps--

Not important.

'We'd better not break the walls,' Sjin said.

Lalna nodded jerkily. 'Just open the door.'

Sjin traced the edge of the lock and nodded absently. '...There. Get some Trolls ready.'

'Get a teleport ready.'

The door swung open.

It was dim inside. It took Lalna a moment to see anything beyond shadows. A single torch shone on one wall. It spluttered faintly and cast knife-sharp lines over every surface. There was a fireplace on one wall filled with ashes, and for a second it looked like a mouth gaping at the invaders. Then Lalna blinked, and it was just stone and brick.

'See her?' Lalna muttered.

'Nah. She's never been good at stealth th-- _Lalna_.'

A shield immediately shimmered over Lalna’s skin. When nothing happened, the blue glow flickered out. 'What?' Lalna said, turning and trying to search the room as fast as possible.

All Lalna found was Sjin standing stock still near one of the walls. Sjin had conjured a spark of white light and had it floating above his palm. Lalna stepped closer and tried to keep his boots from echoing across the room. Then he froze, eyes fixed on the wall.

Lalna’s breath hitched. 'What the fuck....'

They hung all over the wall. Skulls. Each one was as smooth as a stone. They grinned down at Lalna, empty eyes filled with blank white light. What looked like nails were driven through each to pin them to the wall. Others were stuffed through the mandible to keep the jaw attached. That was, if the skull had a jaw. Some skulls didn't and simply gaped endlessly at them. Fangs glinted.

Sjin's spark rose and hovered beside the skulls, a beacon of light beside a presentation of death.

After a while, Lalna found his voice. 'These aren't human.'

'You think so?' Sjin croaked.

'Mm. Humans don't have fangs.' Lalna stepped back, his eyes refusing to break from the skulls' gaze. Why didn't it stink of rot? 'I think that one's a naga....'

The spark dropped back to Sjin's palm. The shadows of the room spun and looped around the pair. Both of them grimaced as they did; the light played strangely over the skulls.

'She's not here,' Lalna said.

'What now then? Tear up the floor? Look for secret passageways?'

'I doubt it would be very secret.'

White light twisted and shone a spotlight against the walls. 'So then a lever or a button?'

Lalna focused, drawing his own blue spark into being. The cold drain of magic itched at his soul.

Sjin spoke again. 'Didn't this building look taller on the outside?'

'Dunno, didn't look.'

A hum of thought came from Sjin. The white spotlight drifted downwards. 'All the walls look normal sized, and there's no ladder...' Sjin said.

Lalna swung his blue light around the room. Chests hung half open against the walls. One table had been swept clean of objects from the look of the floor. A chair was overturned. There weren't any convenient bookshelves or walls that looked built into the mountain, that was for sure.

'Hey, Lalna?'

'What?'

Sjin didn't reply for a second. When he did, his voice sounded cautious. 'Could you take a few steps forward?'

‘...Why…?’

‘Just, just humour me.’

Lalna carefully stepped forward and frowned at Sjin. ‘Ok, now what?’

Sjin picked his way across the room and came to a halt where Lalna had been standing. The light swept across the floor.

‘Found it,’ Sjin said triumphantly.

Haloed by the white light was a circle. It was a darker grey than the stone around it, and it didn’t look like runes. Sjin poked it with his foot.

‘...So what’s that then, a trapdoor?’ Lalna said.

Sjin looked up at Lalna, opened his mouth, then shut it. Sjin's eyebrows furrowed.

‘...Sjin?’

‘R-right, sorry. It's like an elevator, not a trapdoor. It lets you teleport directly up or down. Tech, not magic.’ Sjin's head dipped down and he gave the circle another poke. ‘Haven’t heard anything from upstairs, so she’s probably underground.’

‘We should probably investigate upstairs for evidence,' Lalna said. 'She might have more poppets stashed up there, or whatever's messing with me is set up there. How do you use these things?’

‘Jump for up, tap down,’ Sjin said. 'How about you scout upstairs, then follow me down?'

Lalna hesitated. 'If you see her, don't give her a chance to talk,' he said slowly.

'I won't. Just, head down quick, alright?' Sjin said.

'Will do.'

There wasn't a bang. No light burst out nor darkness rushed forth. Sjin just stamped his foot, and he was gone.

Lalna gulped. _You better be right about this_ , he thought. He stepped onto the circle, gave the room one last glance, and jumped.

A block of cold swept down his skin. The world skipped from dim light to a room that was filled with light--

 

_'What is this witchcraft?'_

_'It's an elevator. It's much easier to go between floors now.'_

 

\--that _burnt_. In an instant Lalna felt his knees slam to the wooden floor. Vertigo swooped around him like a hellbird. His head was creeper-nip. The sunlight shrieked at Lalna and tore at his eyes. The walls were chunks of blinding white that _screamed_ and _ached_ and never _stopped_.

Green shelves.

White sofas.

A painting.

Red weaponry.

**_Who's there?!_ **

'Nggh...' Lalna heard himself groan.

A rattling sound echoed and bounced all over Lalna’s brain. Something pulled between his eyes, as if hands were stuffed through his sockets and were attempting to tear his skull from his skin. Lalna felt like Sjin had run him over with the _Spruce Moose_ \--

Blink. Two beds were against the wall. His limbs felt like lead, and as he tried to rise he noticed an elevator circuit below him. A couple of ruby tools hung on the wall as well. They could have used a repair, since whoever owned them certainly had used them well--

Blink. Whoa. Why was he on the floor? Did he fall out of bed or what? Nano would _never_ let him hear the end of this. Ow, did he _still_ have that headache--

Blink. Where was his wand?! He needed to get out, needed to get downstairs and warn Sjin of what the Queen had done--

Blink. The whole world shifted. What? Now the elevator circuit was right in front of his eyes. Oh god, how ill had he gotten--

Blink. What was going on? Was this another curse? They really needed to schedule when they could experiment--

Blink. His head was buried in his arms. How were his limbs teleporting around him? What kind of spell--

Blink. Where _was_ he?! Xephos, Honeyd--

Blink. Nano, _help m_ \--

Blink. Gold statues shone above him. Two of them, the Queen grinned proudly and him-- goggles, labcoat all etched in gold but it was _him_ \--

 _Me_. I'm _me_.

A loud _snap_ echoed through the room. Blotchy darkness and mental pain struck, and Lalna could only see red.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much of this chapter was drawn from "Minecraft Magic Police #77 - Magic Police Vs Flux Buddies," and contains some quotes from the Flux Buddies series.


	3. Asclepius Paean

For the third time a block of cold rippled up Sjin's bones. He couldn't help but stumble as the floor appeared under him, nor prevent the involuntary blink from the sudden darkness.

In the dull light, Sjin glimpsed stalactites and a rocky ceiling. _They built their house on a cave?_ Sjin thought.

Out the corner of Sjin’s eye, something shifted.

Sjin barely had time to dive behind a stalagmite. Glass shattered against the wall behind him. When Sjin looked down, he found himself staring at what had been a jar. Disconcertingly, a thick and bright purple smoke poured from it. Around the cave more glass shattered and more smoke rolled upwards. There was smoke of every shade -- purple, orange, black, white -- and all of it mingled into a mess of obscuring colour that covered the entire cave.

Gunfire fled into the walls.

Sjin yelped and ducked as a bullet or twenty _cracked_ into the wall behind him. The smoke rolled. Wisps of it coiled after the bullets' wake. The _cracks_ echoed up and down the cave and shook loose soil off the roof.

There remained a ringing silence even after Sjin uncovered his ears. Although the ringing did grow louder every second despite Sjin's hood runes, so perhaps it wasn't a true silence. Sjin scanned the cave. The rainbow smoke blurred everything that Sjin could see. Even if it did provide some light it made the cave even harder to look around in.

Ahead of Sjin, on the other side of the stalagmite, was the elevator circle. If Lalna came down now....

Sjin frantically searched the smoke for signs of Nano. He had to arrest her before Lalna came down, or they'd both be peppered into pieces. Or Nano would try to bewitch Lalna again.

_But where was she?_

From the angle the bullets had come from, she had to be on the opposite side of the cave. Sjin could see the lashes the bullets had left in the smoke. Was that a foggy shape moving in the smog?

Before Sjin could psych himself out, he aimed at the blurr. Between the invisibility, the torrent of spells he'd already fired at Nano and the roof dissolving spell, there was barely any magic available from his soul. Warmth tore from Sjin’s soul as spells took to the air and cut through the smoke. White sparks twisted and split, then burst against the wall with a hiss.

The shape rose once more in the smoggy light. Quiet laughter echoed through the cave.

'Missed me,' Nano almost sang. A sharp _click-clack_ issued from her direction.

Sjin threw himself back behind the stalagmite. Two more bullets hit like lightning against his cover. They sank deeply into the stone and another four soon joined them. One as it shot out the other side narrowly missed Sjin’s ear. He felt the wind as it sailed past.

_Those bullets are going right over the elevator._

'Nano, whatever's doing this--'

Sjin was interrupted by another shower of bullets. From the glimpses Sjin got of Nano, she didn't look like she was wearing any ear protection. Nano probably couldn't hear him.

_Right. Looks like diplomacy's out...._

When the bullets paused again, Sjin stepped clear of the stalagmite. As he did he flung _Drop It_ towards the shape. It was a wide beam spell, guaranteed to get her, and Sjin grinned as he heard Nano's gun hit stone.

Nano yelled wordlessly; a nasty and rage filled noise. Before she could recover Sjin aimed more spells her way. _Troll_ , a very low powered _Chilli Beam_ , another _Drop It_ for good measure and a few harmless light spells to help cut away the smoke. Sjin attempted a spell devoted to clearing air, but frustratingly his soul didn't co-operate. From the barrage of spells the protective fog was decimated, leaving Sjin a clear view of his target.

He stepped forward, kicking the gun off to the side and keeping his wand aimed at Nano. She had fallen. Nano's fingers shook, scrabbling for another gun at her side. 'You're going _down_ , Sjin!' she screamed. Her voice fractured from the strain she laid on it.

'I'm not,' Sjin said. He shook his head, clearing memories of a farm and pumpkins. 'Face it, you've lost. W-will you come quietly?'

Nano didn't respond. Her hands twitched and lost their grip on her gun once more.

'Nano, _please_ ,' Sjin said. 'I don't want to teleport you.'

_And not just because my soul might not handle it._

Nano's hands stopped their frantic pawing at the weapon. With a frustrated cry, she aimed a kick at Sjin’s leg. Nano missed. 'Get away!' she said. Her voice was loud; she definitely hadn't had ear protection. Thank goodness for the passive runes on Sjin's hood.

He sighed, then aimed his wand between her eyes. They were wide in a mix of rage and fear. Warmth slowly pooled in the palm of Sjin’s hand, and he could feel the teleport build along his wand.

It took far too long. Sjin could _see_ Nano. He could mark the differences between his apprentice, his _friend_ , and this... Flux Queen. Sjin could see the flux and how it ebbed _in_ Nano's flesh, could see how her right eye had no pupil.

But it was still Nano.

Sjin bit his lip. The heat in his hand built and built and burnt his soul.

_'She's insane and covered in taint! And did I mention the killing and brainwashing and how she's **getting away?!** Come **on** , Sjin!'_

This was his job, his responsibility to the biome. And that had to come first.

'See you in Asskabang, Nano,' Sjin muttered.

A bright light burst forth. It encompassed Nano immediately in a spotlight of pure soul. The remaining smoke was incinerated under the focused magic. Sjin could faintly hear Nano screaming at him, cursing him, but he adverted his eyes.

And then the light cut off. In the darkness of the cave, all that remained were the echos of the scream and the sounds of Sjin's shallow breath. His knees shook under his weight, and then they buckled. Sjin staggered backwards and hit the stalagmite. The tall stone rocked back and collapsed against the wall in a shower of grey dust. For a long moment Sjin breathed, trying to pump as much air into his lungs as humanly possible.

He just sent Nano to Asskabang.

He just sent the _Queen_ to Asskabang.

Now there was just the King to find.

Sjin pressed his gritty hands to his face, trying to stop both from shaking. 'See that, Lalna,' he said to the empty cave. 'I arrested her. I didn't let "year old stuff," interfere. Much.'

Even Sjin’s _voice_ was shaking.

'Oh, why no, I didn't let her off because she was my friend. I would never do that.' Sjin managed to steady his voice, and nodded to himself. 'I did use a bit more magic than necessary, but I didn't want to use excess force on a civilian-- no, _victim_. Yeah. Victim. Either way, s-she was no match for Sjin the magi....'

Sjin's eyes landed on the elevator block.

'...It does _not_ take this long to search a floor,' Sjin said, realisation landing on him like half a brick. He dove for the block.

One jump and the wave of disorientating cold itched down Sjin's skin. He only spent a second on each floor to search and shout for Lalna. No response on either of the two underground floors, nor on the floor with the skulls.

Had Lalna not even gotten down from the top floor? _What the hell was up there!?_

Sjin jumped.

When reality jerked around him and reformed, Sjin's foot was immediately shoved off to one side. Sjin yelped, the shield spell he'd prepared snapped over his skin as he fell, and he braced for the incoming attack.

Nobody attacked him. Instead he landed painfully on a green shelf. One flailing arm cracked against another poppet, while his free hand instinctively caught a pane of purple glass. Sjin's shoulder hit the ground and he shrank behind the meager cover of a bed.

The second Sjin was stabilized, he snapped his wand up and searched for targets. The white shield over his skin sputtered and died. Sjin cursed inwardly and tried to coax a bit more magic for the passive spell, but his soul stayed put.

His eyes darted from the large windows to the obscuring sofa. Sjin pocketed the purple glass to free his hand. There didn't look like there was anyone in the room with him--

Sjin went still. His lungs stopped working. It was like his blood turned into tundra.

'L-Lalna?! Oh my god, _no_.'

Prone on the floor, limp on the ground, was Lalna. Sjin’s buddy. Sjin’s partner in solving crime.

_No, you're not dead, there's no way you're dead...._

Sjin hurried as fast as he could to Lalna, kicking the sofa out of the way. Lalna stayed completely still, even as Sjin pressed a shaking finger to Lalna’s throat and held his breath. For a heart halting second, Sjin couldn't feel a pulse. And then there it was, still pumping, and Sjin spotted Lalna’s chest rise and fall.

'Holy shit, ok, still alive that, that is good. Oh shit. What did she do to you?!' Sjin said, his voice fighting to escape his closing throat.

Understandably Lalna didn't answer, and Sjin supposed it would be creepy if he had. Creepy, since Lalna was knocked out. If he wasn’t knocked out, it would have been great if Lalna said something. Instead Lalna laid face down and unresponsive. Sjin couldn't decide which was worse. Shaky fear crawled up and down Sjin like several hundred scorpions.

'What the hell happened?' Sjin said. Nobody was attacking him, and the room was too small for someone to hide in. The King could have been hiding behind the couch, but Sjin kicking it almost into the window eradicated that hiding spot. Sjin and Lalna were alone. So then how did Lalna get like this? There might have been a trap set up, or Nano's brainwashing actually worked.

However Lalna ended up like this though, it probably wouldn't hurt to get him out of the Royal's base.

Sjin nodded to himself. It was a jerky motion, like a flightless bird working out whether to cross a road or not. Getting out was a plan. Now all Sjin needed to do was work out how to do it without breaking his soul.

From the way Sjin's soul was aching, it would be a bad idea to use it to fuel his magic. Sure Sjin could probably pull off three or so _Trolls_ with it in a pinch, but he'd probably collapse soon after. Sjin wasn't about to risk that unless it was an emergency.

All in all, Sjin could think of three options.

First, try and balance himself and Lalna on an air sled and fly back to Yankee headquarters. That would probably be a bad idea. Briefly, Sjin's mind drifted to wind and rain and Lalna's unconscious body being flung into forest or ocean or flame. Yeah, bad idea.

The second option was to try find a trolley or cart or some sort of vehicle and use that to get back. Only problem was that Sjin hadn't seen anywhere a vehicle could be hidden, so he'd probably need to walk back. And then Sjin would get a broken back. And Nano would probably starve to death if the taint didn't sustain her.

After several minutes of thought, Sjin bent and pulled Lalna onto his shoulders. Lalna's dead weight dug into his neck, and Sjin tried to not think about if Lalna's breath was shallow or not. There was only one real option. And unfortunately it would take the majority of Sjin's soul to use. He just had to hope it rested up fast.

Sjin shut his eyes and focused. He thought of a magical forest, with grass bright green that looked like it glowed. An image of white walls and spell altars came to mind, filled to the brim with white and blue sparks that lit the whole complex like a beacon when they wanted it to. As the image filled his mind, Sjin tore magic from his soul to fuel the spell.

 _Please be enough_.

There was a rope in the small of Sjin's back, and the spell tugged on it. Sjin had a second to tighten his grip on Lalna's arms before he felt the ground pulled out from under him. The rope snapped taut and yanked the pair backwards.

Reality was ripped from around them. They were racing backwards through space. Sjin didn't open his eyes, but he could feel an airless wind rubbing his skin raw. Through his eyelids Sjin could see bright lights of every colour whip past him. A roar like a dragon sounded in Sjin's ears in an unknown rhythm. Sjin kept expecting a sudden wall to appear and for his back to slam into it, and then he would shatter into the world beneath reality. Or that the rope would drag him through one of those brilliant lights and burn away.

The rope felt like it was pulling Sjin even faster as time went on. Involuntary terror struck Sjin. What if he truly ran out of soul right then? Not run out as in he was too tired or felt that another spell would exhaust him, but really ran out. Could reality get them back, or would the rope fade and they'd just spiral through the empty space waiting for de--

True air blossomed around Sjin.

Sjin had time to register the familiar mix of white and blue sparks around him. As per usual the sparks were dim for the day, letting the natural light do its work. Then the rope and the stillness of reappearing in reality faded, and gravity realised that there were two people hovering a few centimeters off the ground. Moments later Sjin landed flat on his back and tried to breathe.

There was an ache in his chest, Sjin realised. Not to mention each of his limbs felt cold. But he was alive. And he and Lalna were out of the Royal's base.

 _We have to go back at some point_ , Sjin vaguely thought. _Need to bag all the evidence in case Nano's trialed for taintedness._

For several minutes Sjin laid still, watching the dim sparks twist through midday light. Several of the blue ones spun down a beam of sunlight. Some white traced patterns around the blue. Sjin's head flopped down and he stared at one on the marble walls. His eyes blankly blinked at it for a while, then dropped down further to Lalna on the other side of the room.

Lalna was still unconscious.

That wasn't right. Didn't people knocked out only stay knocked out for short amounts of time? Sjin’s forehead furrowed. Dim worry prodded at him. Then it poked him. Then it _stung_.

Sjin grunted, then pried leaden limbs from the ground. It was impossible to roll over, let alone stand. His elbow struck the cold foyer floor and his robes made it slip. Sjin’s chin thunked into the floor after it. Like a drunk centipede Sjin managed to gather his limbs together and pull himself up.

He took one step, then tripped and grabbed a ladder rung to keep himself upright. Sjin groaned as his head spun, the edges of his sight blurred and blackened.

There was no way Sjin could carry Lalna up the ladder to his room. Not without a levitation spell, and Sjin really needed to let his soul rest over pushing it further.

A spark drifted past Sjin's nose as he thought. His eyes landed on a hallway.

Several minutes later Sjin cursed as Lalna's foot knocked over a hatstand. Sjin didn't stop to fix it, instead he leaned a shoulder into the nearest door and entered the storeroom.

Cardboard boxes were piled across the walls. They made convenient handholds for helping drag Lalna to the dusty bed. Although the ones on the floor almost made Sjin give up. More dull sparks hung in the air.

Sjin kicked one last box out of the way, and with a final heave he managed to pull Lalna onto the bed. He staggered back, one foot sliding on another box. Sjin’s eyesight darkened from both the dull light and the magical exhaustion.

‘I’m _not_ tucking you in,’ he mumbled.

Then the blurs around his eyes lunged, and all he knew was darkness.

* * *

Most divisions in the Magic Police were funded by the heads of the organisation. Unlike their wages, the branch as a whole would usually be supplied with food, supplies for their magic, and cash for their base’s upkeep. The use of this cash varied from base to base. It was used for fixing roofs, saved in case of a disaster, and sometimes split among the force.

For the Yankee division things were different. For starters, Sjin supplied their food. He also supplied many other branches too. This had the side effect of making him unable to sell and profit from the goods he made. In addition, Port refused to send any more upkeep funds to them after several incidents on Yankee ground. These incidents included an air guardian getting loose on the grounds, a massive fire obliterating some of the forest, several windows being shattered by an unattended air sled, and Lalna accidently vaporising half the base with a new spell.

Instead of going to Sjin and Lalna, the upkeep funds were directed to the investigation at Lalna’s castle. All in all the people at Port were not pleased with the pair. At least they still got supplies for magic.

Nowadays if the pair wanted to fix a building they had to do it themselves. This was, in theory, a decent compromise. After all, the two of them were both good builders. Without proper funding though, they would have to pool their own money together. With buildings such as Asskabang, they had to shore up the place with numerous runes so it didn’t fall apart or let anyone escape.

In order to do this, they had to skimp on some things. For instance, indoor heating.

Sjin woke up with a stiff neck, wrinkled robes, and frigid limbs. Cold air puffed into visibility, foggy molecules hued by the faint blue and white sparks. It was odd they hadn’t updated for the late afternoon light. Usually they would siphon some of Sjin and Lalna’s magic for the adjustment then keep themselves at that level via nature’s magic. Of course, both had to be aware of the time and actually have soul to use. Then they'd stay stable automatically.

For a few long moments Sjin stared at the light, then shivered and sat upright. One of the smaller boxes had toppled and landed on his chest. Right beside his face was the label “wool,” in scribbly handwriting. A second later it flew across the room and bounced off the fireplace.

The walls were covered in the things, Sjin realised. The little sparks wove in and out of the space between the boxes, creating odd lines of light and furrows of shadow. Each had their small label: chalk, wood, burn this paperwork, beads. The blue carpet was almost buried. He had been lucky to get Lalna onto the bed without boxes cascading and crushing them.

From the look, many of them were as heavy as iron. Cold crept at Sjin’s fingers.

‘Why do we have so much crap in here?’ Sjin said, then gave Lalna a glance.

Lalna was exactly as limp and hollow as he had seemed earlier. He hadn’t so much as rolled away from where Sjin had desperately pulled him, with both arms above his head and his legs half off the bed. Sjin quickly pushed Lalna’s limbs into a vaguely more comfortable position. After few arrested motions Sjin stooped, grabbed several boxes labelled “paper,” and headed for the fireplace.

To tear paper quietly was an impossible affair. Still, Sjin shushed the ripping sounds and hunched his shoulders in embarrassment. ‘Fire,’ Sjin muttered. He poked the scrunched balls of paperwork with his wand, scowling when his soul curled up in protest.

But then, everyone joining the Magic Police learns fairly early that magic was a muscle. Even if it was strong or well trained, you could still strain it from overuse. Right then and there, Sjin’s soul was exhausted and close to collapse.

_Looks like it’s the old fashioned way for us._

Sjin sighed, lowering the sound after a concerned glance to Lalna. It would take a while to find the flint and steel. He could always try summoning it. Nah. It would be hours yet before it was safe to draw magic from his soul, plus a good night's rest.

‘What do you think, Lalna? You want a flint ‘n steel to fly over and me on the floor...’ Sjin trailed off. His face fell when there was no response. ‘I...I’ll just go find the, find the flint.’

Finding a path through the boxes was difficult in the dim light. At one point Sjin almost tripped and caught himself against the boxes around him. A puff of smoke and dust rose up and sent Sjin coughing. Instinctively he tried to cast his air clearing spell, only to wince when his soul jerked back.

‘Nevermind then,’ Sjin croaked. When he reached the exit Sjin pocketed his wand, carefully shutting the door behind him.

In his pocket, Sjin’s hand brushed against something. It was shockingly cold and was flat, with strange ridges on the edge. Pausing beside the fallen hatstand and leaning against the wall, Sjin pulled out the object.

It was a ring of metal, with purple glass filling the centre. The metal was not gold, although it certainly attempted to look like it. Embedded in the ring were six jewels of varying colour: a turquoise, emerald, topaz, sapphire, hematite, and a ruby. Sjin didn’t recognise the symbols engraved between the gems. Then again, runes were more Lalna’s area of expertise than Sjin’s. The grooves almost looked like ink in the speckled light.

'...How'd this get into my pocket?' Sjin said.

He shook the object. It didn't rattle or glow, nor give off any magical energy. Sjin tapped each jewel with his wand, traced the symbols onto the glass, and even attempted to send a pulse of soul at it. Nothing.

It _looked_ magical though. What was it, a toy? A prop? Sjin examined the symbols again and failed to gain any meaning from them. Whoever had made it certainly wanted people to think it was magical. They had gone a bit overboard, in fact. So it could be just a prop.

Sjin hesitated. Then with caution like he was in a nest of crocodiles, he raised the glass to eye height.

At first it was exactly how Sjin had expected. He was looking at the opposite wall through purple glass, so the world had been tinted purple. So much so obvious. _Maybe this is how the world looks to Nano_ , Sjin thought. Then he started to notice the faint glow of other colours. There were traces of light -- brilliant blue and white threads -- hanging though the air. And when Sjin turned the glass so a white spark was visible, he could see the net of spells tying it to the other sparks and the nature outside. Same with the blue sparks. Even the nature outside was faintly visible in points of tree-shaped light.

The more Sjin looked, the more he could see.

Sjin frowned, then abruptly lowered the glass. _Is that what this does then?_ he thought. _It lets you see magic?_

That couldn't be it. If it just let people see magic why would it have the metal, the engravings, or the jewels? And how on earth did the Royals get a hold of it?

Come to think of it, where was the King? They knew both a King and Queen made up the Royals. A King wouldn't have left his Queen alone. _Hopefully he won't show before Lalna wakes up._

And then there was the Queen. Nano. Who Sjin had to fight and send to Asskabang. Who had set up some spell to bewitch Lalna. Who had set up some trap to make Lalna collapse. Who had hurt _his_ friend with her whispers and her lies and her spells. How dare she. How dare Nano even try to attack _his_ friend and claim Lalna knew her?

He should have looked harder. He should have found her after SipsCo and saved her, stopped her from going through whatever it was that tainted her. He could have stopped all of this from happening. Instead Sjin had given up, Nano had been driven mad, and Lalna was the one paying for it. Sjin tried to not think on Lalna’s little winces. Or the joking complaints over his headaches. Or how Lalna’s expression had seemed so confused and _lost_ when Nano spoke to him. That couldn't all have been Nano trying to hack into Lalna’s brain, could it? But that was the only explanation, no matter how much Sjin hated it.

 _Glad today's almost over_ , Sjin dejectedly thought.

Idly Sjin spun the glass between his hands as he left the hallway. Then Sjin placed it and Nano's sword onto a nearby chest and started to look for the flint. In one chest was an array of ritual chalk neatly lined in size order. In another were a dozen or so spare weapons they had confiscated, both technological and magic. Iron, gold, jewels, seeds, potions, herbs, air sleds, machine parts, spell scripts, more and more unsorted items. Yet there wasn't a trace of flint found under Sjin’s fumbling fingers.

Sjin circuited the room twice, with no sign of the flint and steel. Or any wood and tinder to help keep the fire flickering. Or a first aid kit, now that he thought of it.

'Dammit!' Sjin said. The chest slammed shut under his fingers. 'Where the hell--!'

A faint squeal came from outside.

Sjin immediately scooped his wand from his pocket and turned. The door to the outdoors slid shut and Sjin caught a glimpse of someone darting away.

Someone, yeah. Like Sjin didn't know _exactly_ who that was.

'Get back here!' Sjin ordered. He shoved the door open and heard it _crack_ shut behind him. _Where was she? How'd she get out?!_ 'Show yourself!'

The bright forest was alarmingly quiet. There wasn't any birdsong, nor crickets, just Sjin’s voice and his thudding heart. Oh and Nano was out there too making noise, Sjin just couldn't hear it yet. Sjin skidded to a halt on the bridge and steadied himself.

No sign of her. That couldn't be possible. It was _Nano_. She couldn't be stealthy in the slightest, her style was more "get the biggest gun and run firing rounds rapid." A least, that was what Sjin remembered from when they'd both tried to take out the wisps. And from her taking potshots at zombies. And from her using a _bazooka_ to attack them. How on earth could Nano manage to hide and not try anything else?

Huh. That was a thought.

'Come on then, Nano!' Sjin shouted. 'You scared of me?'

He scanned the area around the bridge. She wouldn't manage to hide in the water. The trees were a no go as well. Nobody could hide there with the wide spaces and tiny trunks and patches of ashes. That was the only reason why they could keep track of the loose air elemental. Where would she hide, the grass? No way. It was bright green. Her face would stand out, let alone Nano's clothes.

Come to think of it, Nano would stand out anywhere. Everything was blue, green, or white.  Where was somewhere she could hide?

Sjin again tried goading her. 'Thought you were _brave_ , or is that only when you've got a gun between you and someone! Or are you just a _scrub_?!'

In the corner of Sjin’s eye, something moved. It was only after a panicked _Troll_ that a bird darted up into the air in a burst of feathers.

Actually, _yes_! She could be in the sky! _Wait, no. That's ridiculous. You'd see the fire_. Sjin looked down from the sky and absently examined his miniature farm. A few patches of belladonna, wolfsbane, mandrakes, and of course chili. The fences wouldn't give Nano enough space to hide either, nor did the water ditches look disturbed... wait.

Mandrakes were purple. And they were right next to the chili.

Sjin blinked. His eyes refocused. It was like finding the stick insect in a picture, or tracking down the slight shift in the air from an invisibility spell. One second Sjin was looking at purple flowers, the next he was staring at the barely visible outline of flux.

Nano's face darkened as Sjin nodded to her.

'Going to come quietly then?' Sjin said.

The flowers shifted and rolled. Like a monster from a grave, Nano rose from the flowerbed. Her face would have been like stone if half of it wasn't liquidated by flux. At Sjin's gesture to move out of the farm, Nano stepped from the mandrakes and placed her hands behind her head.

'Where's Lalna?' Nano demanded. 'What did you do to him?!'

Despite himself, Sjin laughed. 'What did I do to him? What did you do to him! He's unconscious thanks to you!'

Nano's good eye narrowed into a slit. 'You think I'm going to believe that? Tell me where you're keeping him or--'

'Tell me what you did to him!'

'I haven't done _anything_ to Lalna; I would _never_ do anything to him! Now where are you keeping him!'

'I'm the one asking questions,' Sjin snapped.

'Like I'm gonna answer any! Tell me where you locked him up before I come over there and jam my sword up your butt!'

White threads of soul flinched away from Sjin. Gritting his teeth Sjin forced the spell to form. It was slow, much too slow, but it was for a good cause. 'How did you get out of Asskabang then?'

Nano's head chinked back in a hysterical chuckle. 'Wouldn't you like to know? That place is complete--'

White light tore forward. It swung like a bola and wrapped around the girl. Sjin had time to see Nano's eye widen before she was encompassed by the ball of magic. There was no scream on Nano's part this time. There was only a look of hatred before the teleport finished.

As the light faded, Sjin toppled. He barely caught himself on the bridge wall and he balanced there, shaking. Cold waves of exhaustion crept under Sjin's skin. He focused on breathing.

_How did she get out?_

It didn't make any sense. Taint didn't let beings phase through walls. Asskabang was inescapable. And Sjin knew that for a fact, he'd locked himself in there for a day to test it! That taint was the only anomaly. It was the only unknown Nano had. But how the hell could it let her escape?! And if the taint got her out of Asskabang in under a day, what else could it let her do?

 _Breathe, Sjin_. Even if Nano did the impossible, it's not the end of the world.

Sjin leaned away from the bridge and shakily made his way indoors. Cheerful chimes greeted him when he opened the door. He needed to check over Asskabang. Who knew, maybe a fault had developed in one of his spells and Nano had just exploited it. Yes. That was all. There wasn't anything special that Nano could do. Apart from attempting to brainwash Lalna, but that wasn't the point.

Kneeling down to a chest almost ended with Sjin almost collapsed on the floor. Somehow he managed to spy the tiniest flake of flint he'd ever seen in one chest. It was pathetic, but it was better than empty hands. There were probably enough wood in that fireplace. If not, Sjin would burn a few of the boxes.  

Sjin palmed open the storeroom door. Almost immediately his foot struck a box hidden in the dim light and Sjin practically fell into the room.

He groaned into the carpet. 'Stupid bloody ladder. Why didn't we have our rooms down here, loads easier than climbing to sleep.'

Once more cold air misted, flickering orange when Sjin's fumbling fingers failed to light the fire. Sjin kept his eyes fixed on the fireplace, trying to ignore Lalna's unconscious body behind him. He tried to pay attention only to lighting the fire and getting rid of the frost sinking into his soul. It felt like the bed had eyes.

_...What if Lalna doesn’t wake up?_

No, no. Sjin gritted his teeth, the flint slipping and smacking against his fingers. _Don’t think like that. Think about something else, like how cold it is. Or how to find the flaw in the Asskabang wards._

_What if Nano had actually killed him and he just lay there, decomposing?_

‘He’s still breathing,’ Sjin muttered.

Almost in response, Lalna’s breath hitched. It was comforting.

A flicker of sparks caught against the cardboard and paper. Sjin dropped the flint, prodding at the sparks with his wand.

‘I’m really out of practice, aren’t I? Stupid soul. This is ridiculous.’ Sjin scowled as the sparks faded into red embers. ‘Come on, just get this done, then I’ll work on the wards. Come on, catch alre--’

Something grabbed the back of Sjin’s robes.

A startled yelp tore its way out of Sjin’s lungs as he was thrown backwards. His wand flew from his hand, clattering against the floor. _Stupid, stupid, Sjin! You know better than to drop your wand!_ The yelp was cut off as Sjin’s back slammed hard against the bed frame. A blur of blue swept past Sjin’s watering eyes. His head fell against the mattress. Pain blossomed in a neat narrow line along Sjin’s back.

 _Did Nano get in?!_ ‘Lal--’

A bar jammed Sjin’s throat. His head was jerked backwards. Sjin’s words were chopped away like an axe to his vocal chords. His sight swam even as Sjin tried to reach up and pull the robed arm away from his neck. The attacker ignored Sjin’s weakened hands, barely needing to swat them from their face.

Sjin’s eyes focused.

The face hanging in the darkness glared like a zombie stalking a testificate. The forearm dug deeper into Sjin’s throat.

_No...._

Lalna’s stance was steady, adjusting to allow Sjin to suck in a few threads of air while still hurting like hell. ‘Where’s Nano?’ he snarled.

‘...What?’ Sjin croaked. _What the hell **was** this? What had Nano **done**?!_

There wasn’t a shred or remnant of comradeship left in Lalna’s eyes. ‘Where is Nano,’ Lalna said slowly, his tone pitched like he was speaking to a child. A strange fondness suffused his voice as he said the name. His tone then hardened. ‘What did you do to her?’

Sjin managed to push Lalna’s forearm a little further from his neck. ‘I put her in Asskabang, like we agreed!’ he wheezed. ‘Lalna, _please_ \--’

As Sjin struggled to breathe, he heard Lalna mutter ‘Asskabang...?’ to himself. Sjin’s sight wavered again, and when it returned it looked like Lalna was deep in thought. He wasn’t even looking at his partner, his _friend_.

‘Lalna--’ Sjin’s hand slid across the ground, fingers clenching and twisting in pain. There had to be something, _anything_. Even a box would help. ‘Whatever she did, I’ll save you, I’ll fix it--’

That got Lalna’s attention. ‘Fix it?’ he said. ‘Fix _what_? All that’s wrong here is you _kidnapping_ me! What the hell, Sjin!’

‘Kidnap you?’

Sjin’s searching hand brushed against a cylinder. Smooth, long, warm, _familiar_.

‘I didn’t kidnap you, I saved you--!’

Lalna’s expression went flat. ‘Sure you did. How do I get to Asskabang from here?’

‘Ah....’ Sjin’s hand closed around his wand. ‘No--’

Lalna rolled his eyes. ‘Fine, I’ll do it myself. Bye, Sjin.’

And on that note, Lalna increased the pressure on Sjin’s throat.

Sjin’s eyes widened, his hands instinctively rose and pawed weakly at the arm. _No, Lalna, don’t...._

Everything grew distant. It was like he was underwater, the whole world a few steps left of him. Even his grip on his wand felt fussy, the wand and Lalna blurring into foggy shapes before Sjin’s eyes.

_Lalna, please...._

_‘Sjin, what are you doing?’_ Sjin almost thought he could hear Lalna’s teasing tone. _‘You’re a wizard!’_

Sjin’s eyes locked on the wand still held between his fingers. As the fussy darkness crept around his eyes, he turned to point it at Lalna’s nose.

His soul was crying, but there was still a kernel of heat there. As shadows swamped Sjin, he managed to peel a small thread of warmth from his soul. It shot down his arm. There was only fear to guide it, to shape it, and white light blasted from the wand.

The pressure cut off, a heavy weight falling against Sjin’s chest.

Blindly Sjin shoved Lalna away, coughing, choking and wheezing as he half curled into himself. Each and every breath sounded distant, like a pillow was clamped over his brain. HIs soul was _screaming_ in protest, lancing tendrils of white cold clawing at the inside of his ribs.

Bit by bit Sjin’s hearing returned to normal. The fuzzy darkness slid away, leaving Sjin staring at the frozen statue that was Lalna.

Lalna. His partner. _Oh god._

First things first. Sjin pulled Lalna back onto the bed. Next he dragged the bed away from the wall, managing to create a person sized gap between the bed and the wall. A few seconds of frantic search in the boxes, throwing most out of the door, then Sjin had several metal plates and a fistful of chalk.

Crouching to the ground Sjin carefully circled the bed, inscribed several chalk runes onto the metal and dropped them, managing to usher forth the last seeds of warmth to infuse the runes with soul. Somehow Sjin managed to ignore the renewed screams in his soul. Somehow Sjin managed to push away how cold he was.

When the final rune was placed he stepped back, focused for a long minute, and poked at the circle.

The runes flashed twice.

‘Try and get out of that,’ Sjin said quietly. Locating one of the larger boxes he sat down, rubbing the side of his head. Adrenaline was fading from Sjin, and his limbs were starting to feel wobbly, rubbery, and made of icicles. Anxiousness began to rise as he stared at his partner. _What do I do now?_

That was easy to work out: He needed to save Lalna.

_How the hell do I do that?!_

He didn’t know nearly enough about taint to fix this. The only encounters Sjin really had with the poison was when Lalna brought a little bottle from his castle. Lalna had almost gone bonkers from it, yet he hadn’t even touched it. What this the same thing? No, no it couldn’t be. While Lalna _had_ gone insane, he still was aware; he still tried to stop himself when he knew of the flux illusion. This time, Lalna, he didn’t, he wasn’t....

Sjin groaned. It had to be something to do with the taint though, and Nano too, judging by how fond Lalna had sounded. How on earth had Nano made Lalna think that...?

‘I need some help...’ Sjin said quietly. There was no way he could remove the taint on his own, not with his soul so frigid.

Lalna wasn’t available. Sjin couldn’t call management; they’d probably throw Lalna in prison for several months before working this out. Nano wouldn’t help; she was the cause of the whole problem. He couldn't call a civilian, Lalna would kill him for that.

Who else was qualified? _Well, who won't rip out my throat_ , Sjin noted.

Another minute passed. Sjin’s hand slipped into a pocket and pulled out an earpiece.

‘Sorry, Lalna,’ he muttered. With quick and familiar movements he fiddled with it and placed it in his ear. Down the line Sjin could hear voices bantering, the sound distant and scratchy.

‘Xephos? Honeydew?’ Sjin said. The banter cut off. ‘Um. I need your help.’

A confused query bounced through the earpiece.

‘Something happened to Lalna. Taint.' **  
**

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to let people know, I'm going on holiday for the next three or so weeks. So no updates for a little bit, plus an early update now. Have a nice day~  
> Edit: I have returned! Expect an update this weekend. If there isn't an update, assume that a pumpkin warrior invaded my house and sucked the brain from my brains and I am in need of rescue. Or I'm distracted watching youtu-- ImeanstudyingIwouldbestudying.


	4. Phthonus

Magic could be a volatile thing. After all, it was pure energy being torn from the user's soul and put to work. You need to be careful when using magic. Just like you wouldn't stick your arm into a bonfire to set the wood aflame, magic was something that you need to understand and respect. Otherwise you could get burnt from a stupid mistake.

While belief was a key aspect of it, the most important part of a person's magic is the soul. The "battery," behind magic. Every soul is different. Some are "bright," with wild, uncontrolled, but immense amounts of energy. Others are "dull," and are more likely to be good at keeping a lid on their magic. Yet these are not strong enough to handle powerful spells without specific training. Even though every soul is different, all any soul needs to perform magic was something that helped tug the magic from their soul. For instance, wands and runes.

With a wand, you could perform almost every hue of magic. That is, if you could be bothered to learn. The magic of the soul would be shaped as it is pulled through the arms and wand, and then blasted out into the world. Contrary to belief, being able to summon a massive deadly beam of magical lasers to smite your foes is shocking easy and not the sign of an adept mage. Magical beams are the rawest type of magic that could be flung from a wand. The beams are just the intensity of the soul being shot out with no shaping, no task, nothing except "go and exist." Intricate magic is more difficult. It requires focus. The stronger mage is the one that can lift a feather through a firestorm without burns, rather than the mage that could evaporate a castle with their soul.

This is why magic is volatile. If you decided to give a completely untrained being a wand and told them to make a pumpkin fly, it is much more likely they’d obliterate the biome. Learning magic is initially like trying to put a cap on a high pressure hose, and then using said capped hose to knit a jumper with.

Wands are the best way to teach someone magic. All one needs to do is take the learner to an abandoned field and "teach," them to blow things up, then tell them to reduce the amount of collateral damage as their soul tires out. Once they have a hold on their soul, they can learn more complex things. Using a wand, the learner can keep their magic aiming away from themselves.

Another way of teaching magic is through runes. Runes are the least recommended way to learn soul magic. To make a rune, one has to imbue magic into the ground while drawing or carving. This magic can be drawn from the individual's soul, or from the general nature around them. The latter is recommended. If the soul is used, it can get messy. Runic magic tends to be even more powerful than wand magic, since magic has been embedded directly into the rune. However, when the soul’s magic is made to stay still in a fancy shape it tends to get unhappy.

Runes filled with soul magic tend to be like grapes. They are likely to burst at any point, even if one manages to restrain the amount of magic inside.

In short, since the soul’s magic tends to loathe being tied outside the body, runic magic in general tends towards being unstable. Any foreign element could lead to explosions and fire and death as all the runes rupture at once, even if you fueled it via nature.

All of this meant that Sjin was greatly surprised that Xephos setting up some sort of mechanical scanner that clicked and buzzed did not end up setting Lalna's hair on fire.

Xephos's eyes flicked across the incomprehensible letters and numbers that fled up the screen. 'This is interesting...' he said.

The machine hummed, green lights winking into the dully lit room. The bright red bar that Sjin assumed was the scanner glared towards Lalna, painting the mage's face with angry red. Dark and brittle looking flaps clicked back and forth on top of the machine.

'What's interesting?' Sjin said quietly. His feet kept kicking against a cardboard box.

Xephos didn't reply at first, his hand reaching up to touch against his earpiece. 'Give me a minute, Honeydew,' he said to it, then slipped it off and turned to Sjin. 'From what I can tell, this here--' Xephos pointed at a set of scrolling data '--is pretty much Lalna's life signs, plus a bit extra. Last time we did a health check it was the same. On there, it doesn't look like there's anything wrong physically with him.'

'He's been _tainted_ , pretty sure that there's something wrong with him!'

'Let me finish!' Xephos grumbled, then pointed at more data. 'See here, there's some weird data too. I had a look at you and it correlates, so I'm gonna guess that's something from you the scanner's picking up. Probably the magic thingy, since when I shifted to just that, that's all the screen displayed.'

'Right....'

'Now, uh, just for a little experiment, could you cast a spell?' Xephos said. He tapped against the machine and made a gesture like he was pulling on a rope. As he did, the red scanner swung to face Sjin.

'Uh. N-why?'

'Establishing stuff. Just show me something, doesn't need to be big.'

Sjin shifted uneasily on his feet, glancing towards Lalna who was frozen inside the circle. 'Not sure if we should push our luck with the circle,' he said. Even as he did, he pulled out his wand. 'Plus, I don't think I should be messing around with magic right now. I might manage a little spell, but I'm not sure--'

'A small spell's fine, just enough to scan. Come on. Please?'

With rolled eyes, Sjin focused and ignored how his soul snarled at him. Tendrils of reluctant warmth coiled down his arm and sprouted from the wand. A little white spark appeared, bright enough to light the room. It almost immediately flickered out. Sjin twitched as his soul retreated.

'That'll do,' Xephos said, then turned the scanner back to face Lalna and beckoned to Sjin. 'This here is what I just picked up from you, and this part correlates with the circle.'

Sjin scanned the rows upon rows of tiny text. 'It just looks like more things,' he said.

Xephos looked a bit put out by this, but continued. 'Since I know what bits are you, I can remove that. What remains is what's produced when the magic’s all over the place, see here?'

'It looks the same as the other text.'

'It is different! Just, assume that I'm right. With this--'Xephos sounded proud'--I can see correlations between the magic you just used and the circle. 'Course, it would be better to have someone else cast the same spell, and then the pair of you cast a different spell to work out what data always shows up with magical stuff.'

'...What are you trying to do?'

With a smug grin, Xephos pointed to the data. 'I'm working out what magic looks like.'

'And that involves all those numbers and weird shit?'

'It's not weird. That's really not the point. The thing is, when I focus the scanner on Lalna and remove _only_ the circle from the scan....'

The machine clattered and hummed as Xephos manipulated the scanner forward. With finality, he pointed at the new data. 'See!? Check that out!'

Sjin looked. White numbers scrolled past. '...Xephos, I've no idea what any of this says.'

Xephos groaned, stabbing a finger at the data. 'For goodness sake. Look! On the data on Lalna, there's nothing magical like the circle or your spell. Therefore, Lalna hasn't been enchanted by anything. He might be tainted, but since that's got magical stuff and would probably match the signature I found for magic--'

'What!? What do you mean he hasn't got a spell on him? Na- uh, the Flux Queen, she _cursed_ him, _tainted_ him into trying to murder me!' Sjin started shifting his weight from foot to foot, shaking his head rapidly. 'Your machine must be all b-broken, or wrong, or something!'

As Sjin spoke, the door creaked open. 'I'd doubt that,' Honeydew said, dropping a chair into the room. 'Don't bother explaining, I heard. Next time, could you at least _tell_ me before you take out the earpiece? Spent ten minutes trying to get your attention....' Honeydew swung into the seat, nodding towards Lalna. 'So, nothing wrong with him?'

'As far as I know...' Xephos said.

'We didn't cart us and a spaceship all over the place just to find out nothing, did we?' Honeydew asked.

Sjin opened his mouth to ask Xephos to try something else, _anything_ else, when a soft noise flipped his attention to the bed.

Lalna had groaned.

As Sjin whipped around to stare at his friend, Lalna shifted. He then reached up to press a hand on his face. 'Jesus _christ_...' Lalna muttered, grimacing. 'That was weird.'

Sjin stepped backwards, knuckles white around his wand.

Lalna soon sat up, almost immediately freezing. His eyes darted around the room, focusing on the people briefly, then to the runes surrounding him, then to the tiny bright blue and white lights around the room. Finally Lalna frowned at the red scanner pointed at his eyes. 'Uh. Where... what is this place? And why's it so dark?'

Sjin glanced up to the little lights hovering by the ceiling. He focused on them, scowling when his soul and the spell's safety net complained at him. _Guess I’ll wait for when it’s a life threatening situation_ , he thought. _Should have brightened them when Xephos asked for a party trick_.

'Lalna, what's the last thing you can remember?' Xephos said quickly.

The scanner whirred towards Lalna, who gave it a curious look and edged to sit on the edge of the bed. 'My head spazzing out by an elevator circuit. Not here though. Seriously, guys, where am I?'

'Hm... Right, interesting. Lalna, I'm going to give you a bit of a quiz, answer as many as you can,' Xephos said.

Lalna groaned, scrubbing at his forehead. 'Seriously, can't you explain first? Did you guys set up some weird experiment or something?

Xephos ignored him, eyes fixed on the data. 'What's the date?'

As Xephos interrogated Lalna, several thoughts strolled through Sjin's skull. Lalna, he didn't _seem_ to be insane, or murderous, he seemed... normal. He wasn't glaring with fury filled eyes that held fondness for the person who caused this. He was just talking. He was sane again.

And yet....

'What's the last thing you remember? Like uh, the most recent, normal thing,' Xephos said.

Lalna scowled. 'Going for a walk 'round Hole Diggers. Y'know, exploring the mainland for more supplies.'

'Right, that seems normal... so how'd you get all the way over here...?' Xephos muttered.

Sjin's head jerked up from where he'd been examining his shoes. 'What? That's not normal. Lalna doesn't work with you guys any more, plus the last thing you did,' -- _was attack me_ \-- 'w-was help arrest Nano.'

It took a few seconds for Sjin to notice how every single person in the room was staring at him like _he_ was insane.

'...What?'

It was Honeydew that spoke. 'Seriously?!' he said. He stood up and strode directly to the edge of the runes. 'Is this where you keep runnin' off to all the time, Lalna? _You_ joined the Magic Police as well as Sjin?!'

'But, but I'm not! I'd be a terrible police officer. Plus, I haven't ever gone anywhere _near_ those guys!' Lalna grinned nervously, eyes like a caged animal waking after imprisonment. 'Ah, except for when I was bending physics a bit with blaze rods and dust. Other than that, I haven't seen any of them.'

'But you are! Every weekend for _ages_ , we'd sign in and _police_!' Sjin said.

'That's not true!'

'That would explain why you're in robes...' Xephos said thoughtfully.

After a quick glance down, pulling a face at the blue robes, Lalna shook his head. ‘I’d think I’d know if I _willingly_ dressed up in a dressing gown,’ he said.

‘W-- They’re not dressing gowns!’ Sjin said furiously.

‘ _Really_.’

‘They’re not!’ Sjin could _feel_ Honeydew and Xephos’s eyes snapping between the two of them. They looked a bit like spectators in a badminton game. ‘They’re _combat_ robes!’

‘More like _bath_ robes.'

‘Combat! _Combat_ robes for the Magic Police, specially issued for Sjin and Lalna for the Yankee division! We’re _partners_ ,’ Sjin added, a despairing desperation strangling the words.

‘Partners? Ew, gross.’

‘Not like that!’ Sjin virtually wailed as he spoke. ‘Partner in arms!’

‘Alright, that’s enough you two,’ Xephos said over Lalna’s response. ‘Something weird’s going on.’

‘Really? Hadn’t noticed,’ Lalna muttered. ‘Could someone at least explain where I am?’

‘Magic Police, Yankee division headquarters,’ Sjin recited. ‘Well, a storeroom.’

Lalna’s eyes went as wide as eggs. ‘What? What am I doing here? Did Sjin kidnap me?’ The last words were directed to Xephos, who was frowning at the half open door.

A cold rock plunged from Sjin’s throat to the base of his spine.

 

_‘Fix it? Fix **what?** All that’s wrong here is you **kidnapping** me! What the hell, Sjin!’_

 

Lalna poked at the air between him and the other three. The air wavered, a white distortion curled around his fingers into a wall he couldn’t cross. ‘Why am I in a big magicky circle? Did I get arrested, what?’

‘You tried to murder Sjin earlier today,’ Honeydew said helpfully, ignoring Sjin motions of _shut up shut up!_ ‘I mean, I know you two tried to murder each other ages ago, but I thought you guys got over that....’ From how Honeydew’s voice trailed away, it sounded like he was talking to himself more than anything.

‘I tried to kill Sjin,’ Lalna repeated.

‘Yeah, you did,’ Sjin said.

‘...And I didn't manage it?’

‘Gah,’ Sjin said, covering his eyes. The panic and worry that had been loafing around in Sjin stomach reached forward and latched back hold of him. Whatever Nano had done, it still was there. It was probably lurking behind Lalna’s eyes, waiting for the perfect opportunity to escape and murder them all. Lalna must still be insane, just acting _smarter_. They were doomed.

_My throat isn’t closing up. It’s not._

‘Look, we aren’t going to kill anyone,’ Honeydew said. ‘Right, Xephos?'

‘Hm-- What?’

‘Do you have any idea what’s wrong with Lalna?’

Lalna spluttered. ‘Wrong with _me?!’_

‘I have a few theories...’ Xephos said distractedly, ‘... just hold on a moment.’

With that Xephos stepped around the group and leaned out the door. There was a soft squeak of surprise and the sound of someone darting backwards.

‘Ah, hello. Are you going to come in, or do you want to keep spying on us?’ Xephos said.

Someone spoke outside, the sound unintelligible from struggling through the door, Xephos’s head, and the thick and heavy air.

'Nah, Sjin won’t do anything.'

More words. Sjin already had his wand loose in his hand, ready to flick up and fire the second Xephos moved out of the way.

‘Lalna’s fine. Bit mental, but fine.’

‘I’m not the one who’s being mental here,’ Lalna grumbled.

There was a pause.

‘Yeah, probably. Sjin,’ Xephos said, raising his voice. ‘Put the wand back down, now.’

Sjin didn’t move. Honeydew shook his head, reached forward, and snatched the wand out of his loose grip.

‘Honeydew!’ Sjin turned, struggling to swipe it from the dwarf.

The door creaked open.

Sjin wasn’t facing the door, instead getting to see Honeydew’s eyes widen and to stumble backwards. Sjin stole the wand back, turned with pinpoint precision, and aimed at the door.

_Could I manage a high level spell right now?_ Sjin thought. Well. _This is life threatening. I’ll just have to manage after._

Sjin got a split second glimpse of Nano-- _out again how did she get out_ \--in the doorway holding the purple glass, when Xephos grabbed his wrist and wrenched the wand from him. ‘I’ll give it back later,’ he said quietly, pocketing the wand.

Nano had grabbed the hilt of her purple and green sword, gimpy eye locked on Sjin. Sjin unconsciously stepped backwards, fingers twitching uncomfortably towards his empty and wandless pocket.

The two stared at one another.

Xephos clapped his hands together. ‘Long time no see, Nano. Last I saw, you were Sjin’s apprentice!’

There was a quiet _thud_ from Lalna sitting heavily on the bed.

‘Um.’ Xephos’s eyes darted around the room. Sjin could imagine the fear Xephos was probably hiding. ‘Well, what happened, to that then?’

‘Don’t you know?’ Nano said icily. Her gaze was fixed on Sjin. ‘ _He_ and Sips blew me up!’

_Not on purpose_ , Sjin thought. Xephos glared sharply at Sjin before he could voice the thought. What was he playing at? Xephos must be trying to humour her, stop her from cursing the rest of them. Yeah. That was it.

‘And I’m sure he feels terrible about it,’ Xephos said. ‘How did you find us all in here, anyway? There’s quite a few corridors to pick from.’

Nano glared at Sjin again. Then, oddly enough, she raised the purple glass. ‘Found this on one of the chests outside. Weirdly, we-- _I’ve_ got one just like it back at home. Identical. Every bit of it.’

It was with a curious expression that Xephos took the glass from Nano and peered through it. ‘Oh,’ he said quietly.

‘Basically when you look through it the world turns purple. Which makes sense, purple glass and all, but also different aspects light up in it and makes it easier to find and collect them,’ Nano said.

Sjin recalled the broken bottles smashed in the basement of Nano’s base. Was the smoke that filled the air those aspects? No wonder it glowed. Magic tended to do that.

‘The thing is, people also light up in it too. Different shapes, that sort of thing. I just followed the lights,’ Nano said. A hint of pride crept into her tone as she spoke.

Xephos silently passed the glass to Honeydew. ‘Hm. Any correlation between the things you see in it and individuals? Like, different colours for different temperaments?’

‘Not that I’m aware of?’

‘It’s a bit weird,’ Honeydew noted. ‘Sjin’s got a weird white ball in his chest.’

‘I wanna see,’ Lalna whined, tapping on the magical barrier again. Nano twitched as he spoke, but didn’t turn to look.

‘In a minute.’ Honeydew turned the glass around to the others. ‘Heh, Xephos, you’ve got glowing eyes in this.’

‘Really? What colour?’

‘Ah, a really dark blue. It’s hard to see in all the purple shit.’

‘Is that it? Hm, wonder why that is....’

Lalna’s fist thudded against the magical wall. ‘Alright! Enough with the weird magical glass. Someone, _please_ explain what the hell is going on!’ He pointed at Honeydew. ‘ _You_ said I tried to kill Sjin, Xephos said something’s wrong with me, and I would like a good goddamn reason for being locked up in this circle!’

Sjin blinked. Somehow, he had ended up several metres away from where he had been standing a second ago. He wasn’t trying to run from his friend. His possibly insane friend. Actually it might be a good idea to run away from Lalna right then and there.

Weirdly, his eyes were drawn to Nano. She looked like she had been caught in the middle of the night by a storm, turning all sad and downcast. The taint was trickling inside Nano’s skin.

Xephos was nodding. ‘Right, Lana. From what I can tell, you have dissociative identity disorder. Sort of.’

The whole room went silent. The only thing that moved was Xephos’s machine, still clicking and waving at the roof.

_What?_ Sjin thought.

Lalna appeared to be thinking along similar lines. ‘Sorry, I have _what?’_

‘Isn’t that like that book? “Dr. Jeb and Mr. Brine," wasn’t it?’ Honeydew said thoughtfully.

‘Yeah. Um, basically it used to be called multiple personality disorder ‘till it got relabelled. In real life, it mostly shows up from trauma as a kid--’

‘I haven’t got it,’ Lalna interrupted, examining his hand. ‘I’m me, I don’t _have_ multiple personalities, I think I’d have noticed that.’

Xephos gave Lalna an odd grin, like he had just swallowed something sour and was trying to ignore the taste. ‘Really? Alright. Nano? Say something that Lalna would understand on a daily basis.’

‘Um, ah, who killed Tiddles?' Nano said. She still wasn't looking at Lalna.

'What's that supposed to--' Lalna stopped. He shot a sharp glance to Xephos. 'Just because I don't know a random phrase, doesn't mean that I have another personality.'

'Sorry, Lalna. Just look at the evidence!'

_'What_ evidence?' Sjin asked. 'All that happened is that _she_ did something. And _you_ are going to fix it, right?!' He glared towards Nano.

'Why would you think this is my fault!?' Nano said.

'Maybe because this whole thing started happening when you _cursed_ Lalna?'

'Sorry, what the frig? I didn't curse him. Why would I curse my friend?'

'He's not _your_ fri--'

'Both of you shut the fuck up!' Honeydew snapped.

For either side of the room, Nano and Sjin glared at each other. Lalna looked very much like he wanted to curl up under the bed.

'Right. Xephos, you said it was "sort of," split personality stuff?' Honeydew said.

Xephos was eyeing the computers again. Every few seconds, his eyes flicked towards the purple glass. 'I don't think this is normal,' he eventually said. 'At Hole Diggers, we've seen you get stressed out and no alternate personality showed up to take the brunt of things... but it seems like we all knew a different Lalna. One lived here, working as part of the Magic Police--'

'Not bloody likely,' Lalna muttered.

'One worked with me and Honeydew,' Xephos said, indicating Lalna. 'And one lived with Nano.' Xephos gave a quick glance to his machine. 'It's as if you've got a... a storybook version of split personalities. For some reason.'

'There's no way Lalna willingly hangs out with the Flux Queen,' Sjin said. He turned to stare at Lalna, who looked in turn looked sceptical. The other mage was still looking at his hand, cautiously running his thumb along the tips of his fingers.

'You've got four people in you...' Nano's voice said.

'What?' Lalna said in a helpless tone.

Fluxed fingers pointed to the purple glass. 'I can't believe I forgot to talk to y-- talk about this. A couple of months ago I looked at Lalna with that. He had um, he _has_ , four colours. Four people.'

Xephos immediately grabbed the glass from Honeydew and stared through it. 'This can actually detect the other personalities?'

'Uh... it might? It's a bit of a coincidence, so maybe. We forgot to look into it,' Nano said.

The spaceman had a grin that was reaching unsettling wideness. 'Could I borrow this for a sec?'

'You've been borrowing it for the past ten minutes.'

'Great.' Xephos reached up and pulled the red scanner down, somehow attaching the purple glass to the red light. 'Right. If the glass can make the personalities visible, then I might get some actual readings on them.'

The scanner hummed and bent upwards, fixing Lalna in its gaze.

'And if there's four colours, there are probably four different Lalna. Lalnas? Certainly enough for only one version of Lalna to interact with each of us,' Xephos mused. 'Might need to make a proper setting for better results, graft a portion of the glass into the scanner instead of on top.'

Lalna shifted uncomfortably on the bed. The red light pressed over his face. 'Are you seriously suggesting there are _three_ other "mes" in my br--'

The white runes around the bed sparked simultaneously.

Sjin had exactly enough time to shout, 'Everyone _down_ \--' before the runes ruptured. A rough hand ensnared the back of his robes and flung him to one side as the angry magic blazed through the room. Someone, probably Nano, screamed _'Lalna!'_  White light licked upwards. Sjin could feel it crackle along his skin. It almost dove straight into his heart, but it skidded away to strike the walls like lightning.

It was over in a second. One box fell to the floor.

Nano was curled in a small ball behind the door. It was with slow caution that she unwound, normal eye squinting at the room. Xephos was being sat on by Honeydew, who appeared to have torn the glass away from the scanner. Sjin meanwhile had been half buried in the remaining cardboard boxes. Turned out Honeydew could hurl Sjin across the room in a pinch. He frantically struggled to pull himself out.

'Everyone alright?' Honeydew said, climbing off Xephos.

'Y-yeah, maybe,' Nano gasped. 'What the _hell_ was that?!'

Sjin coughed, a plume of electrified dust tickling his throat. _'That’s_ what happens if you decide to experiment with _volatile_ magical runes present.' He kicked a box towards Xephos, scowling when he missed the sheepish spaceman.

Honeydew lightly smacked Xephos on the head. 'You fupping idiot,' he grumbled. 'Don't mess with this magical crap, alright? I don't want a frog for a friend. Lalna, you alright?'

'He's not going to be _alright_ , he was at the centre of a runic detonation!' Sjin said, knocking away another box. Another one toppled onto his head. 'Could somebody get rid of these boxes!?'

'Are scorch marks a normal part of them blowing up? Because there are scorch marks all around the bed,' Nano said.

Sjin caught a glimpse of the bed as he drowned in cardboard. 'No, those are good, it means the majority of the energy went down instead of up.'

'That wasn't the _majority_ going past our faces?' Nano said.

Xephos grabbed hold of Sjin’s arms and helped haul him out of the cardboard sinkhole.

The room was surprisingly untouched. Aside from the scorch marks, everything seemed pretty healthy for a discharge of magic. The bed was hardly more messed up than prior. Most of the boxes had stayed in their stacks, apart from those that had fallen on Sjin. Plus the ash in the fireplace remained mostly in the grate. The little white sparks had been vaporised, probably swept up in the tidal wave of the same soul's magic. Only Lalna’s blue lights remained. The room seemed emptier without Sjin's own lights.

Lalna had collapsed in front of the bed. Honeydew had crouched next to him, quietly asking if Lalna could hear him. Nano had crept onto the bed, hovering anxiously overhead.

Meanwhile, Xephos had gone to examine the machine. The sensor had been torn clean off. Where it had gone, Sjin couldn’t see. Xephos nodded to himself. 'I did get some data, even if it all blew up. So, success! I think.'

'Is Lalna alive?' Sjin asked.

Honeydew nodded. 'Yeah, although he's a bit unconscious right now. No broken bones... he's fine.'

'Apart from going crazy...' Sjin said. 'Is there any way to fix his head?'

'Well, that assumes his head is broken. Honeydew said he doesn't have broken bones.'

The glare Sjin shot towards the spaceman could have eroded mountains.

Xephos grinned, eyes scrolling down his data. 'There isn't an easy way to do that. It looks like he's got some kind of... barriers between his mind. Minds, that is. They seem to be preventing memories and stuff from crossing between his different personas. This is very interesting. Although, these barriers do look a bit... fractured.'

'And you can get that from a random looking string of numbers?' Nano said.

'And letters!' Xephos said in a cheerful tone. 'Let's see. I can think of a few ways of fixing this. We could find a way to make these barriers thicker and shut out parts of his brain. But that would make the remaining Lalna go insane due to the mental pressure... maybe not. We could try pulling the minds apart and place them into something like a robotic suit, I doubt that any version would argue against becoming a robot....'

'So we need to build a bunch of robots then? What if the crazy, "I'm gonna kill Sjin," version decides to go all robot overlord on us?' Honeydew said.

Xephos’s eyes paused in their scan, his face falling. 'Oh. Ah, perhaps that isn't the best idea. I don't think that Lalna can function if we rip his head apart. Ok, could we dissolve these barriers completely somehow?'

'What would that do, exactly?' Honeydew said.

Abruptly Xephos wiped the screen of the machine blank. 'If we broke the barriers, then Lalna would only have one mind. Except, that one mind will have at least three different sets of memory trying to command his attention. He'd go insane. Plus,' Xephos added, 'I'm pretty sure the only way to do that is to have Lalna die. Or, get _very_ close to death. The barriers would fall apart as his body tried to keep itself functioning for just a bit longer. It's too risky.'

In the silence, Sjin grabbed a chair and heavily sat. He buried his face in his hands. Nano leaned over the side of the bed and scooped the glass from between a few boxes. She started wiping the glass with her sleeves.

'So there's no way to save Lalna?' Sjin said.

'I doubt we need to _save_ him. I mean, he _has_ managed to survive like this without any of us noticing. And this kind of explains where he runs off to every second week,' Honeydew said. Nodding to himself, he grabbed Lalna and hauled him back onto the bed. 'If anything, he's better off. We know about it now, he doesn't need to be all sneaky.'

Sjin felt like he needed to scream. However, hands were not a good muffler, so he kept silent. _But what about the Queen? How are we supposed to arrest her now? Now that I know that Lalna--_

Sjin's mind trawled backwards, recalling the selection of rumours they had found.

 

_'It's not just a girl, mate! There's a man too, and I bet he's fluxed as well! A right royal pain in the ass, the pair of them!'_

 

_L_ _alna’s the Flux King. Some insane, murderous version of my friend is the Flux King._

Sjin _really_ wanted to scream. Or slam a door. Or do some kind of mass amount of violence -- maybe summon another air elemental and ride it screaming, _"Bow down, pathetic mortals!"_ And then he’d get fired and he wouldn’t have to deal with this mess.

Of course then someone else would be given the sector to handle, and they’d probably end up getting Lalna killed no matter who he really was at the time. So that wasn’t exactly an option.

...Wait. How _had_ the different Lalna’s switched places without them knowing of each other? From what Xephos and Honeydew’s version of Lalna had said, it seemed like he had no clue about the multiple personality shenanigans. And Sjin’s Lalna, _he_ certainly didn’t know about other “hims” existing.

That left Nano’s Lalna. The King.

_Of course!_ How else would Nano know to stay away from her base when they were spying on her? The King _told_ her to hide somewhere else until he returned! _He_ played them for fools, or at least attempted to. _He_ probably was spying on the investigation from the beginning, probably laughing at them the whole time. And Sjin’s Lalna would have been none the wiser to the insane _enemy_ behind his eyes.

Or maybe Sjin’s Lalna had been helping from the start.

_Don’t think like that_ , Sjin thought. _He’s Lalna. He wouldn’t do that._

_“Lalna,” wouldn’t be hanging out with the first example of total human taint contamination, and yet the King exists._

_Shut up_ , Sjin told the smug little thought.

_What if Lalna’s been like this from the start? Slowly working his way through the ranks of the Magic Police and preparing to take it apart piece by piece...._

‘The figures are all flickering,’ Nano said.

‘Mm?’

‘Through the glass, all the colours are going haywire.’

Raising his head, Sjin watched as Xephos leaned around to gaze through the glass at Lalna. ‘I did say that those barriers are a bit fractured, didn’t I? Maybe since Lalna’s knocked out, there isn’t one “awake.” The main colour was green before, wasn’t it?’

‘Maybe? I think so?’

‘I probably made it worse with the runes exploding...’ Xephos muttered.

_What do I do…_ Sjin thought. Despair was hanging onto his arms like a petulant child. _How are we meant to get the King and Queen under arrest if the King is my partner!?_

‘Still, we should probably stay back fro--’

Honeydew was cut off as Lalna twitched. Sjin caught a glimpse of groggy eyes blinking around the room.

Then Lalna's eyes locked onto Sjin in a look he wished he couldn’t recognise.

Like a creeper before a kitten, Sjin froze. Terror wrapped its grimy hands around his neck. The world was almost in slow motion as Lalna rose, a wall of fury reaching for him.

_So this is how I’ll die_ , Sjin thought, fear pinning him in place. _Murdered by my colleague._

That was when Honeydew grabbed "Lalna," around the waist and held him off the ground. ‘None of that,’ he said gruffly.

"Lalna’s" arms flailed, almost comically, in Sjin’s direction. ‘Put me _down_ , drop me dammit!’

‘Not when you’re trying to kill people,’ Honeydew said.

‘Course I’m gonna kill him! He _kidnapped_ me and Nano--’

‘Hey, _hey!’_

Sjin blinked as Nano darted between him and the thrashing scientist. ‘Look, we’re both fine. Weird stuff’s been happening, and I _think_ we’ve got a truce right now.’

Lalna --the King-- went slack. ‘Why do we have a truce with him? And... Honeydew, why are you and Xephos here?’

‘Sjin called for help,’ Honeydew said. ‘If I put you down, promise not to kill people?’

‘He didn’t hurt you?’ the King said to Nano. She gave him a bright smile, prompting him to sigh and nod to Honeydew. Once he was set back onto his feet, the King rubbed at his face. ‘Seriously, what the hell is going on?’

Nano quickly explained to the fake Lalna the “split personality,” issue. As she spoke, with a few interjections on Xephos’s part, the fake’s face drew more and more pale.

When Nano finished, the King spluttered, ‘I tried to _arrest_ you?’

‘Seriously? _That’s_ what you focus on?’ Nano said dryly. ‘I _really_ don’t care about that. Your brain is _kinda_ messed up right now, Lalna.’

'Yeah, I heard. I've got other mes in my head? _Literally_ , in my head? What did you lot _do?'_

'We didn't do shit,' Honeydew said. 'That's a good point though, why the hell is his brain screwed up?' This was directed at Xephos, who gave a concerned glance to the blank computer screen.

'Uh, not sure. Our Lalna didn't know anything about this, so do you...?'

The King shook his head. 'Nope!'

_Liar_ , Sjin thought.

'Alright. This is gonna be harder than I thought. Could you answer some questions, Lalna? So we can work out where you and our Lalna are different.'

The King shot another glare at Sjin. 'So long as _he_ stays over there.'

'Right. Sjin, go sit down and stop looking like you want to shoot people.' With that, Xephos started interrogating the fake once more.

Sjin tried to pay attention. He really did. But somewhere between a question about how Lalna met Nano and something on the castle, Sjin's attention was snagged away.

Where was _his_ Lalna?

First, _his_ Lalna had collapsed in the red base. Then after Sjin brought him back home, the King had risen and tried to kill him. After that it had been Xephos and Honeydew’s Lalna. Now it was this insane King again, and if there was a pattern behind whichever Lalna appeared, Sjin wasn't seeing it.

_Maybe **my** Lalna’s dead._

No! He wasn't, he wasn't gone. He'd be back soon, and then they could get Nano locked up securely in Asskabang and they could all work on getting rid of these strange copies of Lalna.

'How do you know this, exactly?' the fake was saying. 'I get that seeing me with a different personality's a big indicator, but how do you know about these "mental shield," things?'

'Uh, I stuck Nano's glassy thing onto the scanner,' Xephos said, indicating both.

The King frowned at the glass. 'Huh. I'm surprised your machine didn't explode. You don't strap thaumometers onto machines willy nilly.'

'Yeah! Yeah, it didn't explode or anything, why would you think it exploded?' Xephos grinned.

With an unsurprised expression, the King leaned over the side of the bed. 'Mm. No explosions at all,' he said, staring at the scorch marks. The fake’s brow furrowed as his eyes followed the sequence of scorches. 'Uh... why is there a circle of burnt crap around this bed?'

'I think Sjin had you locked up in a bunch of runes?' Nano nodded to herself. 'Yeah, they kind of blew up when the glass was on the mechanical things.'

'Sorry 'bout that,' Xephos said.

Honeydew muttered something. From his tone of voice, it was likely something along the lines of "effing dumbass."

Sjin shut his eyes, hands curling inside his empty pockets. How could Xephos be so calm? Not only was _his_ Lalna trapped in the King, but so was Xephos’s. The Lalnas, _both_ Lalnas even though there was supposed to be just one, were _stuck_ in yet another Lalna that _also_ wasn't supposed to be there....

'Are you serious?!' The King poked at one bit of charred floor. 'Whose idea was it to stick a bunch of runes _indoors?'_

'Sjin’s,' Nano said. She glared at Sjin as she spoke.

'Oh my god. Don't you know how unstable these things are?! Why the hell would you try using them without like, I dunno, at _least_ a potted plant right next to it?'

'I'm pretty sure _I'm_ the one with more experience with these in the room,' Sjin said lowly.

'Experience? Sjin, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you're a _dumbass_ when it comes to stuff like this. These _always_ break if you don't use an altar.'

Sjin’s hands were shaking. Although he kept them shoved deep in his pockets, Sjin felt like the King was eyeing them through the fabric. Could fluxed individuals see through things? Nano already managed to break out of Asskabang, and who really _knew_ if it was more to do with her taint or not? That may indicate that fluxed humans had weird shit shoved into them, just like all the other creatures that walked in the taint.

'Well.' Sjin shifted in place. 'I have more self-control than that. From the sounds of it, you've had your own bad luck when it comes to runes?'

'Knock it off you two,' Xephos warned almost at the same time.

'Yeah, sure, right after I find out why the hell Sjin almost blew up the whole building!'

_Keep it together, Sjin. Lalna’s still in there._ 'They were stable! Right until Xephos--’

‘Nah, you aren’t pinning your dumbness on someone else, Sjin,’ the fake said. ‘You could have killed everyone in the room--’

‘Don’t you _dare_ lecture me on magical safety, _“Lalna.”_ I’m the one with qualifications here.’

_‘“Qualifications,”’_ the fake repeated. His face split into a grin that was misshapen and _wrong_. ‘I’ll believe that when I see it--’

Sjin had no idea why it was then that he snapped. Maybe it was the grin. Maybe it was the light and cheerful yet admonishing tone that the King had put on. It was probably just for show, surely designed to keep Xephos and Honeydew at ease before the fake struck. Maybe it was how _similar_ but _wrong_ and _twisted_ the King was. But he was just a mocking recreation of Sjin’s friend, held up to a funhouse mirror that in turn managed to carve the reflection into something that could almost pass for _Lalna_ but _wasn’t_.

The next three seconds passed in a blur. Sjin was aware that he had ripped his wand from Xephos, knew that his soul was begging him to reconsider. He knew that somehow Xephos had ended up fallen and coughing with half an arm in the dead fireplace. It was the events between that were missing in the blur of rage and fear that seized Sjin.

One clear image was retained: the King’s mouth open and his palms rising, backing almost into the bed; Sjin’s wand crackling with all his regrown magic being rent from his soul; Honeydew trying to get up from across the room -- did he manage to throw the dwarf? Nano, eye wide with surprise beside the King.

Then the image shattered into motion -- the King shoved Nano away, the white light that had no shape but _leave_ slashed away from Sjin, and all he could see was white.

Sjin couldn’t recall much after that, save for the white light and the sensation of himself collapsing against the floor. He knew he had foggily noted that the ground felt warm. That was impossible. The room had been freezing before. The points that hit the ground first were his knees, then one elbow, then all of him curling into a cold ball of ice.

‘What did you _do?!’_ Nano screamed. ‘Lalna? _Lalna!?_ No no no, _Lalna wake up....’_

Rough hands grabbed hold of Sjin and shoved him over. Sjin was aware of his wand being taken away, of being told ‘I’m just checking your pulse ... ok great ... I’m opening your left eye ...  your right eye ... and both together... right. Ok. He’s not hurt, but he’s fucking cold, Xeph.’

‘Right, I’ll take care of him, look after Nano and Lalna.’

More hands took hold of his own, and what felt like rope snaked around them. The whole world was wavering. Honeydew was speaking again, further away this time. ‘Nano? Nano, I _need_ you to go help Xephos, alright? I’m going to look after Lalna, but I can’t do that with you hovering over me.’

Somehow Sjin’s bones had been dropped in a tundra biome, right into a frozen lake that had sealed over him. The ice wasn’t breaking. He was so cold. He was cold enough for the entire world to gain an odd fussy warmth.

‘Nano, see this? Go out to the main room, find a pillar, and latch this around it. We can’t risk that happening again....’

Guilt was falling like hail into Sjin. He shouldn’t have done that. His soul would probably be shattered for the next full day.

Delirium replied. _But the King is gone. Lalna’s probably going to wake up, and we can work out what to do_.

His friend. His buddy. His partner-in-stopping-crime. Whom he had attacked twice in one day.

It wasn’t him. It was the King.

_Was it really? It probably hurt him a lot too._

Someone was moving him, the fussily warm air curling around him.

_If it means that Lalna is back, it’s worth it. It has to be._

The ropes around his wrists tightened **  
**

_It’s worth it. Right?_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't been eaten by pumpkins! Also, Simon came back within a few days of my holiday. I have amazing luck.


	5. Paniskoi

An alarm bell was chiming in Lalna's head. His whole scalp itched. Lalna kept his eyes closed, inwardly noting a gentle breeze trickling past his ear. It purred at him like a kitten, cold fur licking at his skin. There was more there than cold though. Something--a belt, perhaps?--was wrapped tightly around his skull. Lalna could feel little strands itching at the edges of the fabric. It felt thinner than a belt, and belts didn't fray into creeping threads.

With a tired grunt, Lalna tried to reach for the fabric. A dull ache pulsed in his arms. Was that from stiff muscles, or the pain of the bazooka finally catching up with him? _They’re **really** stiff_, Lalna noted. _How long have I been asleep for that to--_

A fissure of pain snapped out along the edge of Lalna’s head. Only pride prevented Lalna from hissing in discomfort; instead he forced his stiff arms up. His hands carefully felt around where it hurt, prodding the fabric with shaky fingers. Someone had bandaged his head. Why would Sjin need to bandage him if he was hurt? Surely he hadn’t managed to goof up a basic healing spell.

The alarm bells were well and truly rung.

It took Lalna a few precious seconds for him to find the tape tethering the bandage to his skull and peel it all away. His other hand blindly groped for his wand. By some stroke of luck, it was still in his pocket. How it had gotten there when Lalna knew he had dropped it in the Queen’s base--

Lalna’s eyes snapped open.

The room he was in was almost completely dark. It took him several minutes to realise that it was one of the storage rooms at the Magic Police headquarters. Lalna’s attention was grabbed by two things. First, how the storage room was bare of boxes. Second, how the little lights hovering at the ceiling were severely diminished. Where there were once blue and white lights shining bright there was only one dim colour. The blue lights that _Lalna_ had set up were present, but every single one of Sjin’s white lights were gone. Obliterated.

Frantically Lalna pulled his wand free and swept the tip along his arms. As the soft blue light passed, the stiffness in his muscles ebbed away. Next he tugged the head bandage off his head, wincing as it tore at his hair. The pain and the blood clotting on his scalp was banished with a burst of warmth. Lalna shivered at the dark patches that stiffened the bandage, the rusty blood looking black in the hardly-present light.

 _At least my headache’s gone,_ Lalna thought.

Acting as silently as he could, Lalna slipped from the store room’s bed. He kept his wand at the ready, his knees a tad bent and ready for a fight. There was something in the air that Lalna couldn’t put his finger on. Was it that the angles of the room didn’t quite match his memory, or was that merely due to the absence of boxes?

Lalna’s eyes flicked down, alighting on several dark burns ringing the bed. He crouched for a moment to inspect them, silently noting the heavy warmth of a magical discharge around each mark. Yes, _something_ had happened in this room. Whatever it was, it was strong enough to wipe out Sjin’s lights. That in itself was strange. How could _Lalna’s_ lights remain if Sjin’s were driven off?

 _Focus, Lalna_. _Think it all through before running into conclusions._

Fact: He had been capturing the Flux Queen with Sjin. Fact: The Queen had done _something_ to him. Fact: The last thing he could clearly recall was entering the top floor of the Queen's base.

So then the last location Lalna had been at was at the Queen’s base. Sjin must have returned them both, probably exhausting his magic in the process and had decided to rest it. That would explain why Lalna had been left on the first level of the base instead of his bedroom, and why he was bandaged instead of healed. Sjin must have just been too tired to carry him up the ladder. But that didn’t explain why it looked like the room had exploded magically around him, nor why Sjin’s lights were missing in this room. Sure, Lalna could have accepted that Sjin was too tired to brighten the room, but they were fully _gone_. A quick check on Lalna’s part confirmed that -- there wasn’t even a tiny trace of white light.

If Lalna’s body clock was right, it was at least a day since their raid was complete. They had begun watch before light, and had moved to arrest the Queen during the morning. It was night time now, so Lalna had been here for over... twelve hours? Jesus, what _happened_ to him to keep him unconscious for that long? Nevertheless, twelve hours was more than enough time for Sjin’s soul to recover and at _least_ turn the bloody lights on. Something happened to his partner, that was obvious.

Lalna’s eyes narrowed. He ignored the creeping shadows and kept his lights dim. If something (or some _one_ ) had attacked Sjin, the last thing Lalna needed to do was give his hypothetical foe's a bright blue signal shouting _“Yo! I’m awake now!”_

Thinking logically, who could the hypothetical enemy be? The Queen would be arrested by now and if she had bested the both of them, Lalna would _not_ have woken at his base. What about the King? Granted, Lalna hadn’t _seen_ the other member of the Fluxed Royals. Maybe the man had attacked Lalna the second he appeared on the upstairs floor, or maybe the King had been the one cursing Lalna the whole time. But why would they know to bring Lalna _here?_

Or Lalna had been infected with taint, was currently insane, and everything he had seen since he woke--or maybe even earlier--was an illusion fabricated by his foe. Well. That _was_ possible, he supposed. If Sjin suddenly appeared shouting “ _Lalna! This isn’t you! Snap out of it!_ ” he’d try to listen this time.

The best thing to do was work out what was going on. Investigation time, step one of preparation. With that in mind, Lalna tried the door. Unlocking it would be an easy trick, all he needed to do was shift the spring and latch into the “unlocked,” position... or he could snap the lock off, that worked too. The hinges rasped like steel dragged across stone, Lalna rushing to spell the sound silent.

The only object that was out in the hallway was the wooden hat stand. A scruffy and worn white lab coat hung from it.

_‘Why are you wearing robes, and where’s your lab coat?’_

Oh, _fuck_.

That was that then. The Queen was here. In his home. And Sjin was in her clutches.

_Or, all of this is a great big hallucination. I’m just thinking in circles now, aren’t I?_

Lalna cautiously took hold of the lab coat. It even _felt_ familiar; it was just like his old ones back at the castle. It was lighter than he remembered them being. Because it wasn’t real? Because it was made of memories?

Come to think of it if Lalna was trapped in an illusion, how would he look to an observer? Did it look like he was trying to choke the air? Lalna shivered uneasily. The lab coat slipped out of Lalna’s grip as he stared at the wall. It fell like a stone and silently landed on the carpet.

‘Sjin? You out there, can you hear me?’ he muttered.

There was no response. Not one that Lalna was aware of at any rate. _This can’t be real_ , Lalna thought. _None of this makes any sense._

There were three types of illusions, as far as Lalna recalled: surface, complex, and full immersion.

A surface illusion was any illusion that could alter one of the target’s senses, but couldn’t trick the others. A surface illusion could make a door look like a wall but it would still feel like wood, or could create blinding flames but couldn't create the heat. It was easy to make though, as the spell was very simple: _“This looks like a wall,”_ or _“That looks like fire.”_

Complex illusions were more complicated, hence the name. These illusions could trick multiple senses of the target. The hidden door would not only look like a wall under a complex illusion but also feel, sound, and even taste like a wall. The fire on the other hand could trick the nerves into thinking they are getting damaged by the flames, although creating the illusion of pain was not an easy task for a spell. These spells were a bit trickery to set up, as the user has to think a lot harder about the shape of the spell. For instance: _“This looks like a wall. It feels like stone. It tastes rough and dusty. If struck by a foot, or fist, it sounds like stone being struck.”_ The more senses involved, the more detail the caster had to go into when constructing an illusion.

Finally, full immersion illusions. These were very difficult for a sole mage to cast with only their soul’s magic to draw from. Full immersion were called such because these could fully fool the target. Every sense was altered. Not only would the target not realise that there was a door concealed in the wall, but even if they had been tasked with finding the door upon threat of death they could end up believing that everyone they love is begging them to protect the wall with all their strength.

There was a bright side about full immersion illusions. This was that only one person could be affected by each illusion. Another person in the same one would cause the illusion to break down. That said, whatever illusion they were in could cause that person to go on a killing rampage unknowingly. That would not be a good thing.

Lalna could count the times he had been trapped in a full immersion illusion on one hand. The first was when both he and Sjin were attempting to learn illusion magic. Sjin had failed to trick Lalna into walking into a pond. The second time was when the taint had momentarily got its claws in him. That particular illusion had been _very_ well made. Although Lalna had been sure something was wrong, he still ended up doing what the taint wanted him to.

‘Right. Sjin? If this isn’t real, push me over... now.’

Nothing happened. The corridor remained upright. His balance didn’t as much as twitch. In the absence of any change, Lalna grimaced. That didn’t exactly help matters. How could he know if this was an illusion or not?

Answer: he had no idea. Anything Lalna saw could be the Queen or King in disguise. Or Sjin but distorted into something Lalna would instinctively attack; like the Queen or King. Or what he was seeing was real, and the Queen was going to play off his previous encounters with taint. Or everything was fine and dandy and Lalna was just being paranoid -- yeah, right.

Lalna reached the end of the corridor. Pausing to spell away any chance of the hinges creaking, Lalna pushed open the door to the foyer.

It was dark. Moonlight stretched from the doorway. Each thread danced across chests and walls. Little blue and white lights twinkled like stars and weaved through the moonlight. Lalna supposed it was a good thing that Sjin’s lights were present in the room. Although that could be due to the illusion adding them in after noticing his unease. The darkness and moonlight chopped the form of the whole room, making it difficult to focus on any of the shapes concealed within. Lalna was certain that it was more cluttered than before. Just like the store room had been far too empty.

Sleeping shadows breathed softly. Lalna could count at least three figures lying on mattresses and pillows. They were unrecognisable in the stripes of light and dark, Lalna keeping his distance as he tried to decipher who they were.

More points to the illusion theory then. Making him unable to interpret his surroundings would make it easier for the spell caster.

Against a pillar on the opposite side of the room was an exceedingly familiar shape. He was tied to the pillar. Even worse, his head was slumped at an awkward angle and his whole body limp. Lalna could hear his laboured breathing from all the way across the room.

_Sjin?!_

Fear immediately tried to get Lalna to launch forward. To yell and scream and shout _what the hell happened to you?!_ Caution froze him before he could take another step.

_Ok. Sjin looks like he’s in a bad way. Really, really bad. But that doesn’t make any sense. If Sjin was hurt, then how the hell did we get here? Why would they tie him up, but leave me in an empty room with my wand?_

Clearly, the illusion (because of _course_ it was an illusion, it didn’t make sense for it to be real) was trying to get Lalna to do something. His first instinct was to run for Sjin. Would that mean that in reality the Queen was imprisoned and hurt and trying to trick Lalna into freeing her? Or, Sjin really was standing between him and what Lalna thought was Sjin, and him running forward would end up with him smacking into Sjin.

Or another possibility: the illusion was designed to make him go through this exact sequence of thought and drive him mad.

‘Or it’s real,’ Lalna said. He glanced to the sleeping shadows, trying to calm as none of them woke.

His breathing stopped.

It didn’t even matter that the night sucked away all colour but grey and blue. Lalna would need his eyes gouged out to not realise who that shadow was. The Queen looked like she was sleeping. Every now and then she would twitch, face contorting in the shadows. Half her face looked like torn off in the darkness. To Lalna’s alarm it looked like her fluxed eye was still wide open, glistening purple. Maybe that eye had its lid burnt off by the taint.

Lalna’s mind was filled with swears and sirens. There was no way in hell that this was reality. But what was he _really_ seeing? He needed to find out. _Somehow_. The longer he stayed put, the more likely _something_ in reality might end up killing him. Like an invisible-to-him anvil.

And just like that, Lalna made up his mind. He stepped between the chests and shadows like a lion stalking a snake, wand aimed and teeth gritted. Soon he was crouched next to the girl, eyes flicking between her and Sjin.

There were two possibilities. Dammit, why did his head have to hurt so much? Aiming at the girl, Lalna tried to focus. She looked surprisingly small, curled up under the soft blanket.

Lalna moved.

Grabbing the blanket and flinging it to the shadows, he spelled the mattress to flip and slam the Queen to the ground. Air tumbled and shoved against Lalna. Another burst of blue and the mattress shot across the floor, leaving room for Lalna to have the twitching Queen in his sights.

The mattress proceeded to bowl several chests over with a sound like pins toppling. The Queen’s non-fluxed eye had shot open, her mouth dropped open in the confusion of sleep. A scream was ripped from her throat as blue magic seized her shoulders. The scream ended in a gasp as her back slammed into the ceiling and the magic glued her to it. Once her breath was retained, she continued screaming.

The other shadows jerked into wakefulness. One shadow was tall and rolled from his bed to standing between Lalna and the door. What looked like a gun swept up and pointed directly at Lalna’s nose. The second shadow mirrored the first. He too leapt from his bed. Unlike the first he stuck to the shadows, cautiously keeping his distance, circling to the opposite side of the room. He looked small, unarmed even.

‘ _Lalna?_ ’ Sjin’s voice said. The tone was a mixture of confusion, exhaustion and anticipation.

In the middle of this, with the backdrop of the Queen’s screams slowly dying, Lalna stood with his wand pointed at the girl. Thrums of warmth curled from his soul, along his bones, and into the air through which blue magic flashed.

‘L-Lalna--’ the Queen began.

‘ _No._ You,’--Lalna waved his wand and tried to avoid looking terrified--‘stay _up_ there and _shut up_.’

The tall shadow stepped forward, moonlight oozing across the gun’s barrel. It looked more complicated than the Queen’s had been. ‘Put her down,’ a voice that was _terrifying_ familiar ordered. ‘ _Now_ , Lalna.’

‘Xephos?’ For a second, Lalna’s grip on his wand loosened. The thread of magic leading to the roof quivered momentarily. ‘Why....’

‘Just put her down, we can explain everything,’ Xephos said soothingly. His voice was pitched strangely, like he was facing some type of wild animal. One hand was held out placatingly. ‘Nobody’s going to hurt--’

Lalna swept his wand down, an arc of magic spat and slammed into Xephos. The doors were blasted open as several pounds of spaceman and magic almost snapped them in two. Lalna heard what _may_ have been his friend from so long ago yell in fright before being abruptly silenced.

_Sorry, Xephos. If that’s who you actually are...._

‘Xephos!’ Honeydew’s voice exclaimed. He went to speak further, only to fall quiet as Lalna twisted and pointed the wand at the dwarf.

‘ _Nobody move!_ ’ Lalna said. He stepped backwards as the doors swung shut, just a few steps enough for him to see all three people remaining in the room. ‘All, all of you, just stay there, _stay_ \--’

Honeydew stepped forward into the light, hands raised to his chest. ‘Easy now, Lalna, we ain’t gonna--’

‘ _Shut up!_ ’

Lalna’s wand hand was shaking, and he steadied it with his other hand.

‘Ok, ok,’ Honeydew said. The Queen made a choked sound and struggled against the magic tying her to the roof.

Sjin opened his mouth, only for it to snap shut as the wand swung to point at him. ‘Lalna...?’ he said, voice sounding fractured.

‘That was to _all of you_ ,’ Lalna growled. ‘Nobody does _anything_ until I _know_ who’s who.’

Honeydew’s eyes went wide. ‘Where do you live?!’ he blurted out, stepping forward and ignoring the wand.

‘What kind of question it that?’ Lalna said. ‘I live here-- _stop it_ , don't try to distract me.’

‘I think this isn’t a nice Lalna...’ the Queen croaked.

‘ _Your_ Lalna isn’t nice! This is just a misunderstanding.’ Sjin fell silent, glancing at Lalna and wriggling in the ropes.

Lalna took several steadying breaths. ‘Ok. You--’ Lalna jabbed the wand in the Queen’s direction. ‘--are either the Queen, or Sjin under an illusion to get me into killing him.’

The Queen looked like she wanted to throttle him.

Next he focused on “Sjin.” ‘You’re more likely to be the Queen though, so I’d end up trying to protect you. Don’t know what the hell “Xephos,” and “Honeydew,” are meant to trick me into thinking, but I’ll get to that eventually....’

Sjin’s expression crumpled. ‘You think this is an illusion.’

‘Did I say “shut up?” Yes. Shutup now. And you _stay put_ ,’ Lalna barked at Honeydew, who froze from where he had been trying to slip towards Sjin.

Honeydew’s eyes flicked from Sjin to the Queen to Lalna, then shifted to stare over Lalna’s shoulder. Lalna resisted the instinct to glance over his shoulder, especially as Honeydew’s hand dropped towards his pocket.

‘Keep your hands where--’

The doors burst open behind Lalna. Cheerful plinks of music chimed around the room. A rock clattered against the ground near Lalna’s foot and he instinctively looked back.

Xephos was semi-standing by the bridge, halfway through chucking another rock to the doors of the base.

Movement blurred behind Lalna, and he turned back in time to see Sjin snatching a wand from the air with his teeth. _Where the hell did he get that?_ Sjin shot Lalna a looked that virtually screamed _oh god sorry_ before the tip of the wand lit up and then--

Everything went white.

Well, that wasn’t exactly true. Exactly a hundred and thirty seven things in the room and nearby corridors went white. All over the room Sjin’s little white lights burst into supernovas that raked Lalna’s retinas. Lalna staggered backwards. He struggled to see, arm swinging out to try retain his balance. Something seized his hand and tore the wand from Lalna’s grip. Lalna swung out, toppling to the ground he couldn’t see. The blue threads of magic, still visible to Lalna in the blinding light, snapped and dissipated in time with the Queen yelping in fright.

The light vanished. Burry blackness sparked in Lalna’s eyes and a shape fell from the sky. The Queen yelled wordlessly and something heavy ploughed through the chests lining the room. She cried out again, the sound cut short in a pained groan.

‘Xephos? You alright, friend?’ Honeydew’s voice came from right next to Lalna. He tried to swing a fist at the shape in the dark, only for Lalna’s arms to be easily grabbed and forced to the floor.

‘I’ll live.’ Xephos grunted softly, footsteps crossing the room. ‘Sjin, wand.’

Sjin’s reply sounded like he was speaking with his mouth full. ‘W-- don’t I get to keep it?!’

‘Hm, let’s see. What did you do when you had a wand before?’

Sjin muttered something, then spat the wand from his mouth.

Lalna blinked furiously and the room reclaimed focus. The Queen was failing to get back to her feet, rubbing at her side. Xephos was behind Sjin, who in turn was staring at Lalna with worry.

Xephos was speaking now. ‘I think you can get your movement rights back, Sjin. How you feeling?’

‘Like a truck sat on me.’

‘Can trucks sit on people?’

The rope dropped away from Sjin’s waist and hovered in the air. ‘I've seen one try and stand on a whole village actually. So yeah, they can,’ he said. He glanced towards the Queen, shoulder’s hunched.

Lalna attempted to stand, to move towards his friend, only for Honeydew to force him back to the ground. A knee was planted between his shoulders, knee cap pressing painfully between the blades. His next attempt ended with his breath knocked out of him via the floor. ‘Gerroff...’ Lalna wheezed, trying to buck Honeydew off. Either Honeydew, or an illusion, the jury was still debating that.

Feet entered Lalna’s now _very_ limited range of vision, and when craning his neck up he found Xephos pointing the gun at his nose. ‘Put his hands behind his back,’ Xephos ordered.

Lalna felt Honeydew pulled his arms upwards, and he struggled to keep them down. Almost inevitably the dwarf won, strength and stance on Honeydew’s side. A smooth and cold rope coiled around Lalna’s wrists and tightened like a snake constricting. A second later he was hauled upright and pushed at another pillar, the rope spreading and latching Lalna to the post.

‘Check on Nano,’ Xephos told Honeydew, then peered at Lalna. ‘Sorry, friend,’ he said.

‘Sorry?! Let me out! Give me back my wand, and _let me go_.’

‘Not now, not when that’ll lead to you trying to kill people,’ Xephos said. He gestured to the gun. ‘This one’s set to stun, even so I’m pretty sure it hurts. Don’t try anything.’

Lalna paused in testing the “rope.” It didn’t feel like fibre. It was more like a steel cable that shimmered strangely. No matter how hard he tugged, it remained fixed in place.

_I guess I have to wait for them to slip up. Or wait for “Sjin,” who’s hopefully really himself, to bust me out._

Honeydew had knelt down next to the Queen. ‘Anything hurt a lot?’ he said quietly.

‘Not too bad....’

Sjin materialised out of the shadows, looking pouty. ‘Can you at least let me turn the lights on?'

‘You already did that,’ Xephos said irritably.

‘Made a mistake when bringing them down, pretty much turned them off. But I can still turn them up enough to see--’

‘You are _not_ getting your wand back, not until we know _you_ aren’t going to attack people until you collapse.’

‘My soul’s all back to normal--’

‘ _No_.’

‘You want to sit around in the dark?’

Xephos closed his eyes, looking as if he was about to punch something. ‘One spell, then you give it back,’ he said.

A minute later the remaining white lights were glowing enough to substitute for daylight. Sjin had smiled smugly at Xephos, before the expression was dropped as the wand was taken away once more.

'You know, if you give me mine for a sec, I could turn the other lights on,' Lalna said. He frowned after the words. They didn't sound nearly as casual as he would have liked. Judging from the slightly-exasperated look on Xephos's face, Lalna hadn't managed to sound anywhere near convincing.

'This one's yours right, Sjin?' Xephos said.

The Queen’s voice was sharp, words clipped around the edges. 'Did you not notice how he went along and attached me to the roof? 'Course it's Sjin's stupid Lalna. Or does _yours_ love to randomly assault people in the dead of the night?'

'What about yours then? Terrorized any villages recently?' Sjin said.

'Do you both want to lose your movement rights?' Xephos said tiredly.

'Nano did start it that time,' Honeydew said. The Queen gave him what could have passed for puppy eyes, if not for the flux that was still bubbling all over her.

Sjin sat so fast it looked like he had collapsed. 'What now then? Lalna seems fine now, so--'

'Fine? He tried to kill me, how is that fine?!'

'He didn't try to kill you; he stuck you to the roof!'

'He tried to kill Xephos then!'

'Both of you, knock it off!' Xephos said. 'Before we start yelling like headless chickens, Sjin, what spell did Lalna use on me?'

Sjin shrugged. 'It was just magic,' he said dismissively. 'Like he just punched you instead of hitting you with a sword. Except that magic hits a bit more strongly. You're not going to turn into a frog, if that's what you're worried about.'

'And the one on Nano?'

'Gravity being messed with for a second, then attaching her to the roof.' Sjin scowled. 'It wouldn't have hurt her.'

'Right. Honeydew, make sure Nano isn't hurt from landing from up in the sky. Check everything. Sjin--Sjin you're not leaving--you're helping me explain this for _your_ Lalna.'

Sjin looked like he was wilting back into the shadows. A glare on Xephos’s part easily drew the farmer forward. ‘Right. Ok,’ he said.

Lalna moulded his expression away from the threads of panic tapping at his soul like a drum. Hopefully the result was an uncaring and aloof expression so the illusion couldn’t get a grip on him. If Sjin was an illusion.

The look of regret on Sjin’s face almost broke Lalna’s facade of calm. With another glance at Xephos, Sjin began to speak. ‘You, um. You’ve got split personalities.’

‘Dissociative identity disorder,’ Xephos added.

Lalna would have folded his arms if they weren’t tied behind his back. ‘I have what?’ he said mildly.

‘There’s. There are, um. Other yous, in your head.’ Sjin grimaced, glaring at Xephos. ‘I _really_ can’t explain this,’ he said.

Xephos rolled his eyes dramatically. ‘Fine! Fine, you just sit there then.’ With that, Xephos turned to directly face Lalna. ‘You have at least two other people in your body. Both of them are called “Lalna.” One lives with Nano, one lives at Hole Diggers, and the last -- you -- lives here as part of the Magic Police. We don’t know why you’re like this just yet. All we really know is that each of you somehow lived your lives without noticing each other until something happened at Panda Labs. Understand?’

‘No.’

‘Tough. Sjin, you answer any questions and find out what the hell happened at Nano’s house,’ Xephos said bluntly. He then spun and headed over to the other two. ‘How’s Nano?’ Lalna heard Xephos say quietly as he left.

There was silence between Lalna and Sjin.

‘...What the hell.’

‘Yeah....’

‘No, _what?_ I have people. Actual, other people _in my head_?’

Sjin sat opposite Lalna, tiredly pressing a hand into his forehead. ‘Yeah,’ he muttered.

After a few seconds of staring at Sjin, Lalna twisted his head to look at the handcuffs. It looked like a silver rope that had fused into a tight ring around his wrists. A tug proved that it wasn’t going to break any time soon, and without his wand there was no way he could pull enough power from his soul to snap the metal. In other words he was stuck.

‘Why do you think I'd believe “multiple personalities,” over a creepy flux-fuelled illusion?’ Lalna eventually said.

‘This isn’t....’ Sjin swallowed. His eyes focused a few feet above Lalna’s shoulder. ‘This isn’t fake. I, it’s.’

Sjin’s expression was strangely pinched.

‘I don’t believe you,’ Lalna said.

A small laugh worked its way through Sjin throat. ‘Course you don’t.’

‘You have any proof?’

‘What, do you want me to get another you to write a note?’ Sjin said.

Lalna fought to keep his expression blank. ‘I guess you already have one?’ he said.

‘No, what-- no! They’re a bunch of--’ Sjin glanced behind him and cut himself off. Lalna adjusted how he sat, examining the trio of the Queen, Honeydew and Xephos. The Queen wrinkled her nose as he watched, Honeydew chastising her and telling her to push her feet as hard as possible against the ground.

The illusion of Sjin--or the real one, whichever--groaned and rubbed at his forehead again. ‘Why am I doing this...’ he said plaintively.

‘Who are the other... “mes,” in my head?’ Lalna carefully asked.

Sjin gestured vaguely towards the group on the other side of the room. ‘The one with _her_ is an asshole. The guy who said he’s with Xephos and Honeydew seems normal enough, but I get the feeling he was up to something.’

‘Any idea what?’

‘Not yet. W-- I’ll need to investigate more.’

‘Got it. Now then,’ Lalna pulled against the metal rope. ‘Sjin, listen. Can you get me some chalk?’

Sjin went still. He casually glanced again at Xephos, then eyed Lalna warily. ‘What’re you going to use it for?’ he said.

‘Um. To... check and see if I do have more “myselves,” in my head. You know, that soul split circle?’ Lalna said innocently.

Sjin stared for a few long seconds. His face broke into a small smile. ‘You mean the thing that broke me into a farmer, a policeman and a rat king?’

‘Yeah that. We never did try it on me, right? It should split me into other mes, if it’s actually really happening. That’ll prove it for me.’

Sjin leaned back. A ghost of a smirk spread across Sjin’s face before being swamped by thoughtfulness. ‘Yeah, that’ll probably work. Plus, we can talk to the other Lalnas and find out why they exist. And find a way to get rid of them, hopefully.’

‘You’ll need to untie me,’ Lalna said.

‘Well. Maybe. The others won’t trust you enough.’

‘...Convince them?’

‘I dunno. What if another one of you show up and tries to kill me?’

‘Pretty sure you’ll notice if I suddenly turn into someone else.’

Sjin grinned awkwardly. ‘Y-yeah! Yeah, I’ll notice. Sure.’

 

* * *

 

Once the room was brighter Lalna could see every portion of it. The chests had been mostly shoved to the sides of the room, each one looking ruffled and ragged. A trio of camping beds were collapsed in the corner. They didn't belong to Lalna and Sjin, and Lalna was trying to ignore them. Sparks of white lights hung bright in the air, each appearing to dim as morning light broke outside. To Lalna it looked like they were more thread-like than yesterday, like they were trying to cower behind the columns.

The foyer had been cleared of chests and trash and spare sparks, leaving a large space in the centre of the room. Sjin was walking around the edge, every now and then bending to scrawl a rune on the floor. His footsteps were the loudest thing in the room.

Lalna rolled his shoulders, tugging fruitlessly at the rope-cuffs. He casually shifted his gaze to where Xephos was sitting on a chest. Xephos didn't look very happy, that was obvious. Lalna focused back on the runes and absently pondered ways to nick the wand from the spaceman.

'I really should be the one making the runes,' Lalna said.

Honeydew immediately responded. 'We ain't giving you weapons.'

'It's not really a weapon, it's just some chalk.'

'Chalk that Sjin and Xephos exploded last night. You're not getting any,' Honeydew said.

Sjin glanced up. 'You still need to give him the wand to set it all off.'

'Which is a really bad idea,' the Queen said.

Suppressing a twitch, Lalna examined the runes. Three overlapping circles of white runes, looking exactly like a venn diagram. From what he could see it looked like Sjin had replicated all the runes correctly, from division to stability.

As Lalna double checked as much as he could see from where he sat against a pillar, Sjin stepped out of the circles.

'Right, that looks done to me,' he said.

'Looks spooky,' the Queen said, a sneer crawling through the flux.

'Are you sure?' Xephos said. 'Really, fucking this up could end badly.'

Lalna rolled his eyes. 'You and Honeydew both have massive guns. I'm not going to try anything,' he lied.

'I meant that your house would get ruined,' Xephos said mildly.

'Oh. That, yeah. It probably won't discharge before we work out what's happening.'

The Queen's head thudded against a wall. 'We _know_ what's happening; we're just wasting time with you and your circles. Why don't you believe us!?'

'If it works, you can chat with _your_ version of Lalna,' Sjin growled.

'Or we could start finding a way to fix Lalna, and then I could have him back and go home!' the Queen said.

Xephos and Honeydew glanced at one another, making identical expressions of exaggerated woe. 'Ladies, calm down,' Honeydew said. 'Look, how 'bout we get this done before yelling at each other, alright?'

With a nod, Xephos raised his gun and headed towards Lalna. It was a struggle not to try and tackle the spaceman as he adjusted the metal rope, even harder to prevent himself from punching or running off when Lalna finally had his hands in front of him. Sure, they were still tied together, but it was a relief not to have his shoulders forced backwards.

Xephos stepped back, nervously avoiding stepping into the circles. 'You need to stand where, for this?'

'Right in the middle.' Lalna shifted on his feet, trying to prepare to run without making his intentions obvious. 'And I need my wand.'

'You'll get it in a minute,' Xephos said. He kept the gun trained on Lalna's chest. From what Lalna could see, the gun was definitely set to stun. Could he conjure a shield faster than the spaceman's reflexes? Probably not. But if he dodged at the same time, Xephos would probably miss and he'd get enough time to set one up.

In the corner of Lalna's eye, he saw Honeydew silently shift to stand in front of the door. With another gun.

'Are you just gonna stand there?' the Queen heckled. 'Thought you wanted to test the "theory," quickly, not just stand around!'

Lalna gritted his teeth. Carefully he stepped over the runes. Each were a collection of empty curves and dead end lines. No matter how many runes he had activated in the past, it was still as nerve racking to wander through them as his first encounter. That may have been from the paranoia a good Magic Police member should have.

The Queen stepped closer to the circles' edge. 'You're sure this won't blow up?' she said.

'Of course I'm sure,' Lalna said, traces of irritation slipping into his tone. 'Can you shut up?'

The Queen jerked, shrinking back towards one of the columns. She muttered something that Lalna didn't catch.

Lalna scanned over the runes one last time. All in order. He could feel Xephos's gaze from behind him and the burn of where the gun was aimed, along with Honeydew’s gun blocking an escape to the outdoors. Checking that was not in the intersect between the circles, Lalna raised his wand.

 _Last chance, illusion. If you're all fake, you're going to intervene_.

Illusions were hard to make. Even one fuelled by flux couldn't add three new elements instantly.

Lalna breathed in. Warmth coiled from his soul up his arm, small threads of blue magic spreading thick through the air. As dense as fog, yet invisible to the untrained, it sank down and formed a new layer of carpet on the foyer floor. Breathe out. The fog stirred, billowing and sinking into each rune. Small echoes of each symbol flaked and dissipated in blue magic. One by one Lalna could feel his soul charge each portion of chalk. Pumping the runes with soul magic was a bit risky, especially his own. Too much magic and they'd pop into pain. Plus it was frighteningly easy to slip and spill too much magic into them. That was going to be very handy in several minutes, so Lalna carefully made sure each rune was close to bloated.

The magical fog vanished, locked deep in the runes. The intersect between all the circles, the centre of the runes, it hummed with energy.

'Good luck,' Honeydew said.

Lalna nodded. Then he stepped into the centre.

The runes flashed with multihued light. Lalna almost flinched, sure that he had misjudged the energy placed in the runes.

'Huh. Is that meant to happen?' the Queen said.

Lalna glanced down. The three rings of runes had changed colour. One was purple, one was green, and one was blue. Only the runes contributing to the centre had remained white. 'Hm. Ha. See?'

In front of him, Honeydew stepped backwards.

'See, it didn't work. So that means, this _is_ an illusion!' Lalna spun and glared at the Queen, who looked nervously down at the runes.

'Why you think that?' she said.

'Because last time, with Sjin, he _instantly_ split into his jobs and that rat guy. I haven't, which means that whoever is making this thing is struggling to work out what's supposed to happen!' Lalna aimed his wand at her, focusing on the runes nearest to "Honeydew and Xephos." 'So that means--'

Lalna's sight shattered, four different views swimming in front of him.

He felt his sentence stutter to a halt, felt a horrid weight crash from his head down his spine to his knees. Colour melted and mist dripped away, a single view remaining of the ground swarming up at him. A glimpse of a blue rune belching smoke wafted past--actual smoke, not magic--and as he slammed into the floor he got a face full of blue. The whole world felt like it had shifted under Lalna and tossed him to one side. He struggled to breathe, failed to locate his wand which he _knew_ had been in his hand a scant few seconds ago, and tried to blink through watering eyes.

And even as he coughed through the fading blue smoke, Lalna could have sworn there were echoes.

 

 


	6. Pythian Apollo

It was a pleasant surprise to wake up with all his limbs intact. Less pleasant was the thick green smoke that surrounded Lalna in a heavy haze. One breath sent him choking and coughing, swiping leaden limbs to try clear the air. Something large and flat cracked into Lalna’s side and gravity seemed to be pulling from every direction. Then abruptly gravity decided "down," was the flat object.

Lalna rolled and landed on his stomach, wheezing through the smoke. Dots of light twinkled far above, making halos in the green. The smoke seemed to be fading, at least from what Lalna could see from his place on the floor. Cold pressed into his chest. Something heavy struck the ground nearby. Shaking his head--which felt like it was stuffed with tissue paper--Lalna tried to roll to his feet.

And then he was nose to nose with a corpse.

'Ah!'

Lalna jerked backwards, the person remaining still as a statue in the green smoke. There were other colours mingling around the body as well, now that Lalna was further away. A purple, a blue and faint hints of red. Lalna kept shuffling backwards as the smoke began to thin.

'What the hell?' he croaked. 'What the f--'

His back hit a wall. Which was odd, since there wasn't a wall behind him. It felt like the barrier around the bed before Xephos had messed with that machine -- slightly springy but mostly solid. Following the invisible wall with one hand, Lalna found himself looking at a strange green symbol. It looked a lot like a crab being hit by a hammer, except all abstract lines and curvy shapes. The thick smoke seemed to have been belched from the rune, which frustratingly didn't seem to be contained by the wall like Lalna was. More runes spread out in a line, curving further in the fading smoke.

'Is everyone, is everyone alright?' Lalna heard Honeydew say.

Lalna’s eyes returned to the corpse. 'Uh. There's, there's a dead....'

The corpse was wearing the same bathrobes as Lalna now had. It was also blonde. And the same height as Lalna. And the same size as Lalna. And looked like a statue of Lalna, except dead.

_What the fuck. Please tell me another "me," didn't kill "me."_

'What happened?' a voice said groggily. Lalna’s heart was in his throat. That sounded like... 'No fucking way. This wasn't meant to actually--' The voice cut off in more coughing.

Another voice, this one to the right of Lalna. 'The fuck did you do, Sjin?!'

'Oh my god. It worked. Oh shit...' Sjin's voice said, the sound swiftly moving leftwards from outside the runes.

Lalna swatted at the fading smoke. 'Can someone-- can someone get rid of the fog? Like, like a wind spell, or a f-fan.'

A white burst of light shot from Lalna’s left into the smog. There was a sound like wind through wire, and the smoke was sucked after it. The rightward voice yelped and there was the sound of limbs dropping to the floor.

Lalna stared, keeping his back pressed to the rune-wall.

On the ground to the right, in a circle of purple runes, was himself. Lalna. He was dressed the same, in the blue dressing gown. Everything about him was identical, down to how the Lalna coughed. What wasn't the same was his expression, a look promising violence and fury to those he cast it upon.

Lalna’s eyes tracked to the left.

The other Lalna was standing in a circle of blue runes. He had a blank expression, the Lalna’s eyes twitching between the Lalnas. He stood easy, one hand close to his bathrobe while the other hand was absently clutching at the air. That Lalna then looked towards the point where the circles intersected.

And there was the corpse.

'Lalna!'

Lalna glanced right in time to see the fluxed girl--Nano?--jump over the purple runes and tackle the Lalna inside. 'Ow,' she said weakly, hugging the startled alternate.

Immediately the purple-Lalna's expression softened and he returned the hug. The blue-Lalna recoiled, his expression twisting before smoothing back into blankness.

'Seriously, are you _all_ alright?' Honeydew repeated. He stepped into view, stopping right in front of Lalna. 'Lalna?' Honeydew snapped his fingers in front of Lalna. ' _Lalna.'_

'F-fine,' Lalna managed. 'There's other, oh my god there's actually--'

'What the hell is going on?' Purple-Lalna said. He was standing now, Nano still hugging him. 'Seriously, Sjin just attacked me twice and then there was smoke--'

'He probably had a good reason for that,' Blue-Lalna said. His eyes circled the ring of blue symbols, a faint scowl appearing and fading like a flash of lightning. 'Dammit. I think I believe you now, Sjin.'

'Thanks,' Sjin muttered.

Abruptly Lalna ( _the actual Lalna, the one that was **him** oh **god**_ ) was hoisted upright by the dwarf, staggering momentarily from the shove.

Xephos shifted on the opposite side of the circles. He was peering through the damn purple glass. 'Right, we should work out which is which--'

'No, hang on, "A good reason"?! What's that supposed to mean?! He attacked me for no reason, _no_ reason at all!' Purple-Lalna gently detached himself from Nano, then marched towards Blue-Lalna. 'And if he has a _good_ reason for that he would have said so--'

The air around the purple circle wavered as the Lalna’s foot smacked at the air above the runes.

'D-don't do that!' Sjin yelped.

Purple-Lalna drew back, eyes frantically darting between the purple runes. 'What the fuck?'

'Last time we did this spell, the farmer-version of me shattered the spell by breaking the wall 'round his ring,' Sjin said quickly. 'You try and get over here, you'll end the spell.'

Purple-Lalna took another step back. 'And then I'll be stuck with these two?'

'So the four colours indicated each of the Lalnas...' Xephos muttered, not looking up from the glass.

'Hold on, you've done this mind breaky thing before?' Nano said.

Sjin nodded. 'We had to learn it somehow, right? We tested it on me.'

'I thought it was just me with the identity problems,' Lalna said. He stepped back, feeling the slight pressure of the invisible wall. Now that he thought about it, it did feel like it could break if he kicked it.

'What exactly is the spell?' Purple-Lalna said.

'It's a ritual. It's designed to take the strongest traits of the caster and put them into physical form,' Blue-Lalna said flatly. 'Sjin did it last time, and we got to chat with a farmer, policeman and--'

'So how come you didn't do it on yourself?' Honeydew said.

For a second uncertainty flickered across Blue-Lalna's face. He rubbed at his forehead. 'We... we couldn't be bothered. We'd done it right once, that was good enough for me.'

Lalna frowned. 'You couldn't be bothered...?'

'So who's the bloke in the middle then?' Honeydew said. 'Eugh, I don't think he's _breathing_. That's just weird.'

Sjin inched towards the unconscious Lalna. 'W-well, when I cast the spell, I was the one standing in the middle. Then the three versions of me showed up in the other circles, but I stayed in the middle. I. I didn't faint.'

'So the original Lalna is meant to be standing there and chatting with us too?' Honeydew said.

'Yeah. But he's not,' Sjin said.

Xephos made a sound of triumph. 'Ha! Got it!'

'Got what?' several voices said in various ways.

'The different colours in the glass--'

'Thaumometer,' Purple-Lalna corrected.

'--right, that. They've all changed now,' Xephos said excitedly.

Lalna eyed the purple piece of glass. 'Changed how...?' he said.

Xephos held the glass up. 'Sjin, the Lalna in the blue circle is yours, right?' At Sjin's nod, Xephos continued. 'He's got a large blue orb right in his chest, sort of like your white one--'

'I have what in my chest?' Blue-Lalna said, glancing down.

'--Lalna in the green circle has these green little sparkles around him--'

'Sparkles, really?'

'--and you in the purple have these purple marks glowing on your face and arms,' Xephos said.

Purple-Lalna's eyes flicked down to Nano, then he returned to glaring at Sjin.

'What about the d-- the middle one?' Lalna said.

Xephos tilted the glass down. 'It's glowing red. Kinda boring, actually. See?'

The spaceman threw the glass in a high ark. Lalna caught it easily, the version in the purple circle pausing his glare to shoot a disapproving glance at Xephos.

Lalna looked through the glass.

Everything was dull shades of purple. Small points of bright blue and brighter white shone far above, probably the little sparkly lights in the room. The Lalna on the left had a pulsing globe in his chest, the same shade as the blue sparks and embedded in various threads around the room. Little tendrils of light pulsed down his limbs like veins. Next to him was Sjin, looking almost identical. The only differences were that his was white, the globe was a lot smaller, and the tendrils looked thicker.

The Lalna to his right had splotches of purple at tiny points on his face and upper arms. It smeared against the glass and hung there, much like Nano's white splotches did beside him. Hers were in the same place as her flux and ebbed oddly.

In front of Lalna was Honeydew. For a second Lalna thought that all Honeydew had was a dwarf shape in the purple. But then there, right over Honeydew's shoulder was a tall silhouette. It was much taller than Lalna, having to bend to fit under the roof. It was not a dark shape, but it did not shine like the colours around everyone else. And then Xephos. As Honeydew had said, the spaceman had eyes glowing a dark blue. In addition, Lalna noticed what looked like a tail coiling behind his friend. It was the same colour as the eyes.

The Lalna in the centre of the room had a red glow to it. It _was_ a bit boring, after looking at everyone else's.

'I think that the middle Lalna might just be Lalna’s body, or something like that,' Xephos was saying. 'I mean. It's weird that it's not breathing, but even when a Lalna switched around the red glow stayed the same.'

Lalna passed the glass to Honeydew, trying to ignore how he was shaking. 'But, what do you mean we switched around? All that happened was that you put the glass onto the machine, and then everything blew up--'

'And then there were scorch marks around that bed,' Purple-Lalna said, his arms tightly folded. 'And I woke up there after Sjin attacked me.'

'The store room had scorch marks on the ground too.' Blue-Lalna shook his head. 'So we swap every time we're knocked out.'

'Yeah. That's what it's been like from what I could see,' Sijn said.

_What?_ 'But, that can't be right,' Lalna protested. 'Xeph, remember when I suffocated on the moon--?'

'Why were you on the moon?' Blue-Lalna said.

'--and you had to rescue me? I went unconscious then and unless you knew about this already, I _didn't_ turn into Grumpy McBathrobes or Mister Flux over there when I woke up.'

'Hm....'

'Yeah, actually. I've seen you forget to eat and collapse. You were still you when you got up,' Nano said thoughtfully. 'Even with that poppet, you still did knock yourself out.'

'Maybe we've just been really unlucky,' Purple-Lalna said.

'Or maybe _you_ cursed Lalna when we were arresting you,' Sjin said, glaring at Nano.

'Mate, I hadn't even heard of any of these two before you showed up with your stupid spells!' Nano said vehemently. 'Also: I don't curse people! Aside from Trott, but really he did deserve that.'

'What about me and the voodoo doll?'

'It didn't even work then! Which is annoying, since it took ages to sneak up on you at your farm.'

'There's something more important than that right now.' Blue-Lalna folded his arms and mirrored the Lalna in the purple circle. He was expressionless, hardly even blinking. 'You're the _King_.'

Sjin rolled his shoulders and grimaced. 'Yeah. Male, lives with her.'

'Wait, who's a king?' Lalna said, glancing between the two other Lalnas. They looked creepy, staring at one another in the same clothes and the same pose.

'What do you know about the Fluxed Royals?' Sjin said.

'A couple of people messing with my old castle, yeah I know. Are you saying that I'm fluxed?' Lalna said. 'Uh, but not really since _he_ 's not me but he... what?'

Purple-Lalna blinked, rapidly glancing between the group, then turned to Nano. 'Fluxed royals? Uh, I haven't heard of that. Nano?'

Nano wordlessly held up her hand. Purple ooze boiled across her flesh. 'That's us,' she said.

'Oh. But you're the one who's all fluxy, I'm clean. Why's it the "Royals," if I'm not fluxed?'

Lalna pressed a bit harder into the invisible wall.

'Never mind that,' Blue-Lalna growled. His arms dropped and he marched towards the edge of his circle. His face stayed blank. 'When we were arresting the Queen, I went to the upper floor of her base. I thought the King attacked me there....'

'You went into our bedroom?' Purple-Lalna said. 'That's kind of creepy.'

A dull memory stirred at the base of Lalna's skull. It was a small memory. Not one that was worth paying attention to. Far better to concentrate on the conversation at hand. He thought about it anyway.

'Wait.' Lalna raised a hand. 'Does your bedroom have a couple of ruby weapons displayed on the wall?'

The two other Lalna's halted their glaring to stare at him. Lalna shifted uncomfortably under the weight of their combined gaze, which grew heavier as the others added to the look-at-Lalna game.

Nano nodded. 'Yeah, I've got mine right above the bed. How did you...?'

Lalna cast his eyes upwards, as if the answer may have been inscribed on the ceiling. 'Between leaving Hole Diggers and waking up in that rune circle... it's a little fuzzy, but I'm sure that I was in a room with my head on fire. The tools caught my attention.'

There was silence. Purple-Lalna had a frown on his face, while Blue-Lalna was massaging his head again.

'Yeah, that was what I saw when I went up there,' Blue-Lalna said. 'Then the _King_ decided to turn my head into a blender.'

'What?' Purple-Lalna said.

'You attacked me! _That's_ why we're switching every time we're knocked out -- you tried to kill me and you broke my head!'

'How the hell do you think I'd do that? I didn't even know you existed!'

'Well obviously _I_ don't know, you're the one who did it. And I'm not going to give you any more ideas on how, do you think I'm stupid?'

Lalna bounced his gaze between the two other Lalna's, feeling like he was watching table tennis with razor blades.

'Both of you, cut it out!' Xephos snapped. 'How 'bout instead of you pointing fingers, we try logic. Nano, Sjin, you were both there when Lalna’s mind, uh, broke. Sjin, did you see what happened?'

'N-no. I just went up there after teleporting N-- _her_. He was already knocked out.' Sjin's shoulders were hunched and bent more under Purple-Lalna's glare.

'What about you, Nano?' Xephos said.

Nano shrugged. 'I was kind of thinking about how Lalna had gone evil on top of the stupid.'

'I'm not stupid,' Purple-Lalna muttered.

'You _are_ stupid, especially when you're throwing up for a month,' Nano said sweetly.

Lalna tilted his head to one side. 'You were sick?'

And again memory shifted like a sleeping dragon, one that instincts screamed to be left unspoken.

'She's exaggerating!' Purple-Lalna said. 'It was just a headache, and it was just three weeks. I didn't even sneeze.'

Nano laughed. 'Just a headache? Lalna, you were curled up in bed begging for room service. With three buckets.'

'Did it feel like someone was trying to rip your skull in half?' Lalna said.

Purple-Lalna blinked. 'Y-yeah. It did,' he said.

'I had one for three weeks,' Lalna said. 'It showed up when I came back from the lab. Like, a super bad one. I had all the medicine and it wouldn't go away.'

'For gods' sake, Lalna. Tell us next time if you're getting a cold,' Honeydew said irritably.

'I, I don't think it was a cold. Uh, robey-police me?' Lalna said.

Blue-Lalna raised an eyebrow.

'How long did you know about Nano's base for?'

Blue-Lalna didn't respond for several seconds. 'We've been scouting for three weeks,' he said quietly. 'I... I did start getting headaches when we were nearby, and it got worse the longer I stayed.'

Lalna bobbed his head, gazing at the "corpse," in thought. 'So. The headaches started when you went to Nano's place--'

'PandaLabs,' Purple-Lalna said.

'Panda labs? Why a panda?'

It was Nano who answered. 'Because it looks like a red panda!'

'Wha-- no it didn't!' Blue-Lalna said.

'That's, alright. Uh. Right then, the headaches started there. None of us knew about the others existing before all _this_ happened, even if we all occupied the same brain...' Lalna muttered.

'We know that,' Purple-Lalna said, sounding bored.

'Thinking out loud, I'm trying to work out the chain of events.' Lalna began to pace inside his green circle. 'So, police and Sjin go off to investigate three weeks ago. Headache starts there. Then during those three weeks, me and fluxy--'

'You are not calling me "fluxy," that sounds like a bad pet nickname,' Purple-Lalna said sourly.

'Alright!' Lalna jabbed a finger towards each of the Lalnas. 'You're Purple, you're Blue. I'll be Green.'

Blue-Lalna wrinkled his nose. 'That's a horrible name,' he said.

'It's that or call you mcpolice robesalot.'

'That's even worse!'

'Then we stick with colours, that's easier.' Lalna ducked a bit under "Blue's," glare. 'Not important anyway. Me and... Purple, we then got headaches whenever we were the ones... awake, I guess. And every time you went back, it got worse for all of us. Why? I mean, if the headache was just to try dissuade us from interacting then it would have gone away when you left PandaLabs. But it carried over. That implies that whatever caused the headache was permanent. Maybe seeing something unknown that Purple knew a ton about caused whatever keeps us apart to erode....'

'Xephos, didn't you say something about walls?' Purple-Lalna asked.

'Walls? What kind of walls?' Lalna said quickly.

Xephos hummed thoughtfully. 'There's some kind of mental barrier between all your heads, keeping them separate. We got that from when we attached the thaumometer to the scanner.'

'Might need to have a look at that later...' Lalna said. 'So there are actual walls then? So part of our head is designed to keep us from knowing of each other? Interesting. That means that subconsciously, some part of us must have been set up to make us stay away from our physical locations. Otherwise, what's the point of a mental barrier? Maybe a bad feeling, and a headache alongside, and you'd eventually ditch the place.'

And that would explain the sensation of a predator stalking him as he thought.

Blue-Lalna coughed. 'I'm not, I wouldn't run off just because of a headache.'

'Yeah but, Sjin would drag you away if you collapsed, wouldn't he? The net result was that you did end up leaving. And, you didn't say that you didn't feel like you needed to leave.'

Blue's hand went to his pocket. He grimaced, but didn't reply.

'...You were pretty firm about not going inside the buildings...' Sjin said. 'I did think about that, but there _could_ have been traps.'

'It was a hunch,' Blue muttered.

'Ah, so you _did_ feel like you had to leave. So why both the bad feeling and the headache, that's a bit redundant....' Lalna halted. A thought sparked, bouncing from nowhere and bursting into worry. '...Xeph? When you found the walls, did any of them look broken?'

'Er, yes, all of them.' The spaceman looked concerned, and a bit confused.

Lalna shook his head. 'Ok then... the longer Blue stayed at PandaLabs, the worse the headache got. The headaches were caused by those walls fracturing, which was caused by Blue not leaving a place that Purple made, which caused bad headaches, which stayed all the way up to Blue going into Purple and Nano's bedroom. The longer you stayed and thought about Purple's home, the more you _broke_ what keeps us from thinking about each other.

'And _then_ , you walked over and found and _talked to_ Nano. You were interacting with a person which Purple knew well. You were there to arrest her, and she was probably asking questions of you that hit against that barrier a bit too hard, and then you walked into Purple's home with the intention of hurting her.' Lalna's voice grew more excited as he spoke. 'Our head must have just collapsed. No wonder we're swapping every time we're knocked out. You broke our brain, and it doesn't know what to do with us knowing about each other!'

Lalna's words reigned in the silence, each person glancing between each other. From Purple and Nano, to Blue and Sjin, and Xephos and Honeydew.

'...We don't have any proof that you're right, Lalna,' Xephos said.

'I'm right,' Lalna said. He couldn't explain it. He _knew_ this was the right answer. It was a thought that was crystal clear in the forest of teeth that was his mind.

Blue clapped his hands, Nano giving an odd twitch as he did. 'So, how do we fix this then?' Blue said briskly.

'Uh.' Lalna’s mind stalled. 'Um. W-well. I guess the easiest way would be to make us forget about each other. Then we can just go back to normal.'

'Not an option,' Blue growled.

Across the room Purple shook his head. 'Yeah, I don't want to have my head messed with.'

'Your head already has two other people in it,' Nano said.

'And?'

Lalna resisted the urge to pace again. 'Well, I can think of some other ways. Brain surgery to physically separate our heads, overwhelming and making you redundant, but they'd all probably cause massive amounts of brain damage. Plus, we don't have the right gear. So... no, I don't think we can fix this.'

'Well, you're pretty useless then aren't you?' Blue said.

Lalna gritted his teeth. 'Well, sorry that I'm not able to think of the solution to a problem I've known of for less an hour, discounting the time unconscious!'

'Yeah, leave uh... Green? Leave Green alone,' Nano said. She stuck her tongue out towards Sjin and Blue.

Xephos cleared his throat, catching everyone's attention. 'I _think_ I have an idea for fixing this,' he said. At the various gestures or comments ushering him onwards, he continued. 'I reckon that the best way to fix this would be to work out when, exactly, you all uh, you all started to exist. Lalna wasn't born with all three of you, otherwise you'd be completely different, probably wouldn't call yourselves all "Lalna," either.'

'Which would have made keeping track of you a lot easier,' Honeydew said.

'Don't you have anything other than that?' Sjin said. Lalna could have sworn Sjin's voice had a waver to it. 'Anything that's actually an option, rather than cross referencing?'

With a shake of a head, Xephos met everyone's gaze. 'I think,' he said slowly, 'that we're going to need to... get all three of you to merge minds.'

And then there was noise.

'What? Xephos, that can't be the best option!'

'Hell no! I'm not going to be all, "rawr, arresting people, muh ha ha," there's no _way_!'

'Lalna’s not turning into those two civvies--'

'--It's _not_ going to happen! Not the King, not at all--'

'Are you crazy?! No!'

Somehow, Lalna wasn't surprised. Somehow he had a feeling of what Xephos was going to say. Logically, merging did seem like the best option out of a pound of crap. The creeping sensation of watchfulness and a warmth between his eyes, plus his own logic, they all agreed merging was the best option.

... There was no way he was going along with it.

'We can't do that,' Lalna said. 'There's gotta be something else.'

Xephos's shoulders were hunched, his eyes never resting on anything for more than half a second. 'Yes, not the best idea. We can think of a better one once we know _why_ you are like this, but for now it's the only one I can think of. For now, let's just work together and find where your memories differ, alright?'

Nano had her head in her hands, Purple giving her a one armed hug. He was frowning, studying the ceiling and shooting glances towards Blue.

Eventually he spoke. 'You know... if we agree that you-- that "green," is right, our head being broken is "blue's" fault.'

Blue's head snapped up from staring at the floor. 'Say that again,' he growled. His tone was dangerously low.

'You heard me.' Purple was grinning brightly. 'You were going on that "Oh, _I'm_ innocent, it was _his_ fault we're like this," blame blame blame. And then turns out, it was your fault!'

'I was doing my job.'

Nano laughed. 'You're pretty bad at your job then.'

'Cut it out,' Lalna said quietly. 'Can we not argue until we work this out?'

'No, he is _not_ telling me I'm bad at my job.' Blue stepped closer to the edge of his circle, glaring at Purple. 'You just _listen_. I have trained for years to get here. I invented starfall, and I'm the _only_ mage in the force with sufficient soul to pull it off. I have fought demons, insane witches and squibs that thought they were being _clever_! I turned a forest of ents into matchsticks. Don't you _dare_ tell me I'm bad at my job, you fluxy _clone!_ '

'Hey, I'm not fluxed. I've been careful with that,' Purple said.

'Careful?' Blue chuckled. 'You've got a girl standing next to you infected with taint, if you were careful she probably wouldn't even be standing here!'

'What does that mean?'

'She's been _infected_. If you knew how to fix that, she wouldn't be tainted. Therefore, you don't know how to fix her. The sensible option would be to kill her or put her in confinement so she doesn't infect anyone else--'

Purple had an expression like stone, fury carved across his form. 'Why would you say that! That's horrible, I wouldn't do that to her, she's a _friend!'_

'Yeah, killing her would be a bit too far. I should have called Port in, that way they could ship her off to solitary confinement without all this crap happening.' Blue sneered towards Purple. 'And then you'd wake up one day, and your precious _flux buddy_ will have vanished--'

In an instant Purple's fists broke into claws. Lalna saw a tiny half-step back and Purple's weight shift.

'Don't!' Lalna began as Purple launched himself--

Blurs of noise struck Lalna between the eyes. He felt himself fall left and up. Purple smashed through the wall between the blue and purple rings, hanging in frigid silence. The clear walls shattered in brilliant shards, each outlined in red. The shards spread like lightning, window panes shattered by a rock and causing the whole thing to collapse.

Then he was broken, he was glass, and pain spat up his limbs until it reached his head.

 

 


	7. Achlys

'Lalna!'

_That can't have just happened. That didn't, it can't have._

It happened in a second. Once moment Lalna was there, with the other in the blue circle _smirking_ her way and the third off to the side shouting. The next the smoke had appeared in a shout of light that _itched_ and glowed brightly. It now swam around Nano, sitting like lava in her lungs and hanging like midnight fog all across her vision.

 _I'm breathing Lalna. Lalna, plural Lalna. Ew, ew, that's horrible_.

It was just as dense as when the spell had gone off the first time. Just as bright as in the seconds after the other Lalna, the "blue," evil, police-y Lalna, had frozen and collapsed. One eye blinking and watering, the other sluggishly following the first's gaze, Nano searched for the edge of the smoke in staggering steps and for any friendly silhouette.

_Lalna blew up. He just exploded._

'Fuck!' Honeydew snarled across the purple smog. 'For gods' sake, stop getting yourselves hurt every ten minutes!'

Footsteps. Loud and like barrels striking the floor.

Sjin’s voice drifted past. 'It's fine, it's just the fluxy Lalna broke down the spell script by stepping over the runes. The smoke'll clear eventually.'

With a thought for her rocket launcher, probably still lying in the basement floor, Nano's hand brushed against her sword. It was still there, along with a few more tricks. It hadn't been sent to soar across the room under cover of smoke. 'What happens now? What happened to Lalna?'

'He's here, in the middle.' A pause. Honeydew spoke again, sounding like he was yelling at the ceiling. 'He's unconscious _again_.'

'Is he ok?' Nano said quickly. Stupid smoke, being so thick and billowy, she could barely see. It was like a white out, except the wrong colour. Purple-out? Well, her Lalna was out for the count.

'Fine. He's _breathing_ this time. Pulse is good, temperature seems normal. Now if I could see further than a pig's ass, that would be great!' Honeydew said.

'I don't think I should cast any spells. The leftover runes might react badly,' Sjin said.

'Why the fuck's that a problem now! Just clear the smoke, and Xephos _why_ aren't you talking?'

A flash of white, a beam of light, and the smoke was sucked away. Nano blinked instinctively, trying to clear blurry after images from her dull eye. The room didn't look any worse off. The chests were still lumped in the corners, and the carpet on the edges still looked gaudy. It looked like there were less weird sparkles up at the ceilings, same as when the runes exploded the first time.

Morning light pooled across the ground where the runes lay. They now were still, no longer coloured beyond a dead white shade.

Xephos turned out to be on his butt to the side, a few metres from where he'd been before-smoke. He was rubbing his ankle and raised his head. 'Mf-fine, Honeydew,' he said. His voice sounded strained. 'Dammit, why did Lalna need to do that?'

'You mean Sjin’s one being a jerk?' Nano said.

She was shaking, little goose bumps prickling along her arms.

'Yeah, no and your one. Purple? Him too.'

Nano scrubbed at her eye, purple spots playing across Xephos's face. 'Is, are we still able to fix Lalna? I mean, he turned into _smoke_.'

'I told you, Lalna’s fine.' Sjin prodded a rune with his wand, nodded, and straightened. 'I mean, he has a crazy dude in his brain and... a bystander, but other than that--'

Honeydew interrupted before Nano could even attempt to snarl at Sjin.

'We can still work this out. Can't we, Xeph?'

'Um... yeah? We should be able to work out where they differ. You know, ask them 'bout their past, that sort of thing.' Xephos winced as he stood, wobbling a bit. 'Might be tricky, since we have to wait for them to switch around in order to ask and compare though....'

'And we've got no clue who'll wake up,' Honeydew said bitterly.

'Not exactly. There's probably a pattern to this,' Xephos said. 'Hm. It was Green, no. Which colour was Sjin’s?'

'Blue,' Sjin said, his eyes fixed to the circle left of the door.

'And Nano's was Purple, and ours is Green. Right, so it was Blue before the whole switching thing, then p-Purple. Then it was ours--Green--then Purple _again_ , then Blue, then he did that splitty spell. I think that was it,' Xephos muttered, hand making little tilts towards the different circles.

Nano bit her lip. At the moment she was mildly thankful that her flux distorted her features. Then again, _her_ Lalna would probably notice any traces of confusion and fear Nano had. 'Who's... who's next then?'

'Could be yours,' Xephos said. 'I'm not really an expert on unfainting psychology though.'

A smile rose on her face like a puff of smo-- warm air.

Xephos continued. 'If it is, we'll need to start talking this out. We get Sjin out of the room so we don't have another accident--'

'Hey!'

'--and we start writing out his history. Then tomorrow, we see if he switches round from sleeping and we'll go over the next Lalna, and repeat until we locate the point of separation,' Xephos declared. 'If Blue wakes up, should we get him to set up that spell again?'

'Can't we get Sjin to do it?' Honeydew asked.

Sjin shook his head quickly. 'Unless _your_ Lalnas can use wands, we'd just have me split up. That won't help fix Lalna.'

'Can you teach whichever wakes up?'

'Even if I could, and it wasn't a really bad idea, I wouldn't.'

With face pinched into a scowl, Xephos made his way across the room. 'So we're stuck with the long way round. Hopefully it won't take too long. Once we find out where they split, we should be able to fuse their minds back together.'

Dread coiled like a lion around Nano, purring a dull panic.

'I told you, we aren't doing that,' Sjin sharply said.

'Oh, so now you're the boss? Please go on, tell us _your_ plan then!' Xephos said. The spaceman sat on a camp bed, the springs yowling under him, and reached for a bag of supplies. He started rifling through in sharp, jerky motions.

Sjin rocked back and forth where he stood, his wand twisting in his hands. He didn't reply. In the silence, Honeydew had grabbed a blanket and draped it over Lalna.

'Uh, quick question,' Nano said.

Xephos glanced up, hard eyed.

'Wouldn't merging their minds together... wouldn't that kill them? Not like, bleh, Lalna is dead, but who he is to us?'

'Yeah,' Xephos said flatly.

'So we _shouldn't_ do that then!' Honeydew said. 'If stuffing their heads together means that who _Lalna_ is gets murdered--'

'It depends how come they're like this,' Xephos said. 'If they were three souls put into one body, it would be safer to split them apart. If they are one soul split into three, then the safer option is merging them. Even if that means their personalities are fused together....'

Sjin made a sound like a mouse being sat on. 'And then he won't be _Lalna_. Would he? He'd be _dead_.'

'There has to be something other than that,' Nano said. Her throat felt like ropes of scales were closing in on it. 'That's only the worst case scenario, right? We won't have to actually make that happen, right?'

She kept her eyes on Xephos as she spoke. He didn't look up from the bag, hands moving but not actually touching anything inside. Was that a flinch?

'Souls don't want to be split,' Xephos said quietly. 'That's the only reason why he'd have walls in his head -- to keep his from merging by itself. No matter what we do, Lalna’s going to be dedicating energy to keeping those intact, whether he wants to or not.'

_And how do you know that! You can't know for sure!_

Xephos opened his mouth, paused, and then continued. 'To me, it's probably going to be the worst case scenario. It's Lalna. There's no way he'd make things easy for us.'

Nano shut her eye, blocking out what she saw from the other. A slight purple tint shimmered over the world, then more and more until all she could see through it was solid black. _Deep breaths_ , Nano thought in the silence. _We'll both get through this. Lalna **will** come back home, no matter what._

Sjin coughed. 'So um. If we want to get this done quickly, we could always knock him out until Lalna, my Lalna, comes back.'

Nano's eye snapped open, immediately landing on Sjin. 'What the _hell_ , Sjin! No! That's a _horrible_ idea!'

As shape bled back in her dull eye, Sjin shrugged. 'It'll make it quicker,' he said, a grin like a target appearing on his face. 'The quicker we are, the sooner me and Lalna can go back to fixing Asskabang.'

'And then me and _my_ Lalna will escape, and kick your butt!'

Out the corner of her normal eye, Nano could see Honeydew face palming.

'Hey, don't forget which of us won last time.'

'That's because of your cheaty twitcher spell! You didn't beat me!' Nano pressed her teeth together, jaw aching immediately.

Honeydew idly walked and sat next to Xephos, who jerked a bit in surprise. 'How long 'till they go for weapons?' he said mildly.

Xephos shrugged, staring at the floor. 'When they do, I'll go stop Sjin and you deal with Nano.'

'And you had what, fifty guns? A troll isn't as permanent as you know, a shard of lead ripping through organs!' Sjin snapped.

The blanket shifted. A confused groan came from it.

'So? I made those, fair and square.' Nano bit her lip. 'Well, Lalna helped me with a few. Maybe half. And a few more. I still had to make the bullets myself!'

'Well, I cast that spell on my own, _fair and square_ , so there.'

'W-well at least _I'm_ not an evil policeman trying to arrest everyone!'

'We are _not_ evil! And you can't talk _Flux Queen!_ '

'Uh...' Lalna's voice said. 'What happened?'

Nano spun, sword clutched and blinking furiously around lagging sight. Her fluxed eye slowly chugging behind, Nano stared at the blanket. Lalna blinked back at her. The blanket heavily sat on everything but his face.

'...Lalna?' Nano said. Her voice sounded small even to her ears.

The bundle of blankets contracted around Lalna’s neck, and he winced. 'Uh, um. Green!' he blurted out. 'G-green, Hole Diggers, moon suffocater!'

Nano sighed, her hand dropping from her sword. Her mood was exactly like a tidal wave striking a party.

_It's not his fault he isn't Lalna. But. He is **a** Lalna, but he's not... why is this so tricky?_

A thoughtful hum came from behind Nano, and Sjin stepped forward. 'We could always knock him out until he's L-- Blue,' he said.

Lalna wriggled, eyes wide, and ended up toppling over onto his back. Another second of panicked struggle, then Lalna's nose hit the floor.

'...I'd really like to get out of this now...' he said, voice muffled.

It took several minutes for Honeydew to unwrap Lalna, apologizing as he did. Lalna kept scowling. Every now and then he would glance up and meet Nano's eyes, or look to Sjin.

Xephos had a thoughtful expression, and once Lalna was untangled he spoke. 'This will take too long.'

'Too long? Do we have a time limit now?' Nano said, aiming for sarcasm.

Xephos's eyes darted like they were following a bird. 'We can't just go over all of the Lalna's histories. That would take far too long. What we need is a way to cut it down, make sure that we're looking at the right point in time.'

'Easy. I've never met Nano before, or joined the magic police. We just look around then,' Lalna said. He was looking at his wrists.

The words were like knives. Sure, knifes made of kitten innocence, but they still bit.

'That's one point. And it does cut out a long time,' Sjin said. 'I can access the records, look when Lalna first signed up, then we can look at anything before then.'

Lalna nodded. 'Quick question, did the other two do the whole... war with Sjin, thing?'

Shutting her eye and waiting for darkness, Nano thought back. 'I'm pretty sure Lalna did,' she said.

'Same here,' Sjin said.

Honeydew sounded triumphant. 'So we just look between then, easy!' There was a pause, then he sounded sheepish. 'And that's fucking ages.'

'Not really. We just need some records to go through,' Xephos said.

Nano opened her eye and stared at Lalna. '...Hang on. Records.'

The other Lalna was still gazing at his wrists, tugging at the silver rope handcuffing him. 'You just have an idea?' he asked.

Nano nodded. A shiver spiked through her spine. 'My Lalna, back when we were living at the castle, he recorded everything! And didn't he build that right after he kicked Sjin’s butt?'

'It was a draw!' Sjin said.

'I did that too. Needed to keep track of everything, just in case someone accused me of illegal nonsense.' Lalna looked up, smiling at Nano. 'We just need to find that information, and then me and... Blue, we can look and see what the last entry we remember is!'

Nano's stomach turned to ice. Lalna was smiling at her. He was smiling, and he looked so _proud_ but... but that was it. Nothing else, no memories, nothing that made Lalna _Lalna_. Just a stranger wearing Lalna's expressions, Lalna's eyes.

With a swallow like sandpaper crawling down her throat, Nano smiled back. Her cheeks hurt.

'Purple took the data to your new base, right?' Xephos said.

And just like that, the ice shattered and hit the rest of her organs.

'Uh.' Nano froze. Her smile turned guilty as all their faces turned to hers. 'We didn't exactly have... time, to get anything when we left.'

Xephos stood up. It struck Nano that the spaceman was _really_ tall, especially when he looked like he was going to drop an anvil on them. '...What happened?' Xephos asked.

Shoulders hunched, fingers playing with each other, Nano dropped her eyes to examine the floor. Cold, solid, flat, there wasn't much to look at.

'Um.' Her words were rocks. They were too heavy to be pried from her throat. 'We, we kind of got attacked by fifty or so nagas, so we had to run off.' Shame rose like an accusing gaze. 'I... I don't really remember what happened, but Lalna had to drop everything to get me after they broke the flux sphere. Our stuff's still there, we haven't managed to get back in there yet.'

Sjin’s hand was pressed over his eyes. 'Nagas fluxed the castle,' he growled. ' _Nagas_. And another version of Lalna.'

'In case you were wondering, I _don't_ remember that,' Lalna said, helpfully stamping another barb of ice into Nano. 'We're going to the castle then? Because I haven't been there since it was quarantined. Hardly remember the layout, let alone what it'll be like all fluxed and broken.'

Nano nodded, shaking her head at memories. 'Only way to get the computers,' she said.

 

_Flux light twinkled around her. It looked so pretty, like little stars dancing in the fire. 'Goodbye, Lalna. Thank you for teaching me.'_

_'Nano! D-don't do this, come back!' A sensation of falling--_

 

Shaking her head again, Nano gritted her teeth.

'Having actual data would make this a lot faster. And we'll be able to see if it was triggered by an experiment,' Xephos said. 'So! How are we--'

'No no no no.' Sjin's hand swiped through the air in a general, _wait stop_ , gesture. 'We can't go there, it's under quarantine.'

After a second, he added, 'And me and Lalna were banned from going there.'

Nano smiled at Sjin. 'Good thing you don't need to come then,' she said sweetly.

The look of stunned shock on Sjin's face was gold. He spluttered. 'Then, then we _vote_. We have to count everyone in this.'

Honeydew sighed, then raised his hand. 'Who votes to go raid an evil castle?' he said in a bored tone.

Nano flung her hand up, followed by Xephos. Lalna was a bit slower, grimacing as he shoved cuffed hands skyward.

'Motion carried. Anything else, Sjin?' Honeydew said.

'Um. We, we should ask the other Lalnas, see what they vote,' Sjin said. Was that desperation in his voice? Ha!

'Even if both of them say no, you're still outnumbered. And I doubt my Lalna would vote against,' Nano said smugly.

A small sound came from Sjin, like a chicken being strangled. 'Yeh, I... You, you still can't go!' he said triumphantly.

'...What?'

Sjin swallowed, nodding rapidly. 'You can't come. You're, you're a suspect in an investigation around the taint. T-therefore it would be a massive breach in protocol, if I let you go to the castle. There. You go to Asskabang.'

Nano opened her mouth. Ice was all around her, pressing in.

'He has a point,' Honeydew said.

'What!?'

'Guys, calm down.' Xephos shut his eyes for a second. 'We vote, alright? Who thinks Nano should come with us to the castle, and who thinks she should stay behind?'

'I'll follow you!' Nano said. Her throat wasn't getting tighter. It wasn't.

'That's why we put you in Asskabang. It'll at least slow you down and you won't know which way to go from here,' Sjin said.

Nano gaped at Sjin. _I swear, I am going to blow up your farm,_ she thought.

'Fine,' Xephos said, the traitor. And she had thought he'd been decent.

'T-then I vote I'm coming!' Nano said.

'You don't get a v--' Sjin began, stuttering to a halt at Nano's glare. 'I, you are not coming, that's my vote. You could trick the rest of us into being infected otherwise.'

Unconsciously, Nano's hands curled into fists.

Honeydew shifted. He didn't look comfortable where he stood. 'Nano, don't punch me, but I don't think you should come with us.'

'Why not!'

'Look, that place is covered in taint, and you're _already_ covered in taint. What if that stuff makes you worse? I don't want to have a little girl go insane on my watch.' Honeydew nodded sharply. 'Xeph?'

Xephos shook his head. 'This is ridiculous...' he said. 'She needs to come with us.'

'Alright, what did she do to you?' Sjin growled.

'What? Nothing, nothing. Think about it though. Nano, you're covered in taint.'

Nano held her arm up. 'Really. I hadn't noticed.'

'Ha ha. Really though. If I remember right, tainted crap doesn't attack tainted crap. If all the mobs in there are supercharged, we need any advantage we can get, and Nano _is_ an advantage,' Xephos said.

'So, you vote to let me go?'

Xephos nodded.

Nano glanced between the group. 'So that's....'

'Fuck,' Lalna said. He scuffed his foot at the floor. 'It's a tie. Damn.'

'Well then! Nano's going to Asskabang then,' Sjin said as Nano's stomach melted from ice into lava. Her hand crept back to her sword, half her mind running through tactics _her_ Lalna had taught her.

'Sjin, I haven't voted,' Lalna said, tone mild.

Sjin stopped. 'Well, we know what you're going to say. R-right?'

Lalna glanced between the group, met Nano's eyes for the briefest second, then fixed to the floor. 'Nano and... Purple, they were the last ones to live at the castle. And they actually saw the place break down. Right now, you're the most knowledgeable about the castle here.'

'You can't be serious, Lalna,' Sjin said flatly.

Lalna nervously tugged at the handcuffs, still keeping his eyes down. 'And if, if I get knocked out when fighting that taint, then it's a draw between Purple or Blue taking my place. Blue can get the situation from Sjin but if it's Purple, you'll need Nano. Otherwise he'll wake up in my fluxed castle and not know what the hell is going on. Besides, we're all working to fix this. We shouldn't throw Nano in jail because she wants to help her friend.'

The ice had melted and the sky was clear. Nano had to bite her own tongue to stop herself from whooping and cheering. She was going to the castle!

_I'm going to the castle. And the real Lalna won't be there._

Nano grinned with gritted teeth and ignored the flash of worry. It would be fine.

'That's your vote?' Sjin said. His tone was dead.

Lalna's head dipped.

'That's three to two,' Nano chirped, refusing to blink as Sjin glared her way. It was actually impressive, how much rage he could fit on his face.

'Fine! Fine, we go. But I am going to watch you, you hear me?' Sjin snarled.

Xephos glanced to the door, where the sunlight was well and truly shining. 'We should get going now then, no sense in putting it off.'

'I'll get Lalna's lab coat!' Nano chirped. Lalna glanced towards her, forehead creased.

'I'll fire up the shuttle,' Honeydew said, starting towards the door.

'Oh no, no,' Sjin said. 'If we're going to the castle, we are not taking your clunky shuttle. The dudes stationed there will hear you miles off, and the mobs will _certainly_ try and shoot you down. I drive.'

Lalna coughed. 'Before we leave, one thing.' He raised his hands. 'Could someone _please_ get these things off me?'

 

* * *

 

 

Shuttles were easy. You opened the door, you climbed into the metal box with your friend, buckled your seatbelt, and didn't have to do anything to make sure you stayed in the air. Same with rockets. A little more attention was required, but for the most part all that needed to be done was a button here or there. You didn't need to pay attention to the ground whipping past fast enough to rip your arm off if you poked it. You didn't have the wind plucking at every piece of bare skin and loose clothing, or the feeling that at any moment you could get torn from the tiny hole you were tied to.

Dwarves did _not_ fly in airplanes. Let alone rickety, wooden things that felt like if Honeydew moved his foot he'd put a hole in the hull.

Honeydew had heard of the _Spruce Moose_ before. Sjin had mentioned it one week when he had popped 'round to Hole Diggers. Sure, Honeydew hadn't seen it then. But Sjin had proudly (proudly!) boasted of its merits. Something about him managing to get the wings to stop folding in on themselves by strapping two together, one above the other. And then by scribbling magic all over the place he'd stopped it collapsing from the weight. Honeydew had decided a while ago that nothing could possibly convince him to get onto it.

Come to think of it, Honeydew had thought to mention the plane to Lalna when he came back, see if he could give Sjin some tips on building a proper shuttle. One made of metal. With a proper engine. A shame Honeydew had forgot, otherwise they'd probably noticed the whole "other Lalnas," problem a lot earlier.

Really. From now on, he was going to _check_. If his friends said they were going to their lab in the weekends and weeks when they weren't working, Honeydew was going to spring a surprise visit. Course that would be hard if he didn't know where they lived. It wasn't all his fault though. Xephos went off to Sjin's farm all the time anyway. How was he meant to know Lalna was lying? He didn't even know where the fuck the farm was. Maybe Xephos was lying about where he was going.

Right, that was it. When this was sorted, he was going to _use_ his authority. All of them would record all their contact details whenever they buggered off, including himself. There may only be three of them, but there was no way Honeydew would let this crap get past him again--

The plane shook under Honeydew. Forces pushed against him for a second, threatening to leave him behind, then regained the terrifying equilibrium they had earlier.

\--But that could wait until they had solid ground. Preferably the ground on Crappy Island One.

Again the plane shuddered. Wind buffeted against Honeydew, and he tried to press himself deeper in the little hole he had in place of a seat.

Of course, the _Spruce Moose_ wasn't actually a five seater biplane. Nope, it was a three seater. Sjin had spent a few minutes tinkering with some runes etched in the wings above the seats, and then suddenly the plane had two extra seats. One of which Honeydew was sitting in.

Honeydew tightened his grip on the plane. He didn't particularly want to look over the side of the plane, with its brown wood and places that looked a lot like it had snapped and been glued together. Not to mention the white runes carved in the wings which Sjin had _said_ were perfectly safe. Yeah, sure, Honeydew will believe that if the shaking and rattling _thing_ got to Lalna's lab intact. He could already imagine the landscape bleeding past them, under a hundred metres down because apparently Sjin wasn't worried about smacking into a mountain more than the Magic Police spotting them.

That was already a strange thought. Sjin and Lalna were policemen, it turned out that _Lalna_ had been there when the place got tainted, and they were all breaking the quarantine. And they were using a flimsy, wooden plane to do so.

'Everyone alright?' Xephos yelled, sitting directly behind Sjin. The wind almost snatched the sound away.

Lalna's head bobbed in front of Honeydew. 'Is Sjin _sure_ these seats are stable?'

'I _can_ hear you!' Sjin yelled, barely reaching Honeydew at the back of the plane. Honeydew groaned as Sjin twisted in his seat. 'They're fine; I've tested it heaps of times!'

'And how many times did they break?' Lalna said.

Sjin turned back to the open sky, thank _fuck_. 'Uh, that's really not important,' he yelled.

Honeydew leaned sideways, trying to ignore how the seat was like fire on his ass. 'Are we there yet!?'

'Course not!' Nano said cheerfully. She was sitting behind Xephos, right in front of Lalna. Just in case. 'Whoo! Can we do a loop?'

'Don't do a loop we are _not_ going to loop!' Honeydew did not shriek. Ok, maybe his voice did crack a bit, but he did not shriek as Sjin made the plane bob a bit.

Nano's laughter was like a mouse, high pitched and squeaking. 'I missed this,' she said, turning to grin at Lalna and Honeydew. 'I really need to work out planes, more than just "up up up," that rockets have.'

'You have a rocket?' Lalna said.

Nano's face froze, not even the taint bubbling for a second. She turned forward again. 'Yeah. You... my Lalna taught me to build it.'

Lalna turned, giving Honeydew a helpless look. Honeydew could only reply with a shrug, and turned to study the clear blue sky behind them. Not a cloud in sight.

'How the _fuck_ are we meant to avoid the police 'round here? It's clearer than water,' Honeydew said. Nano leaned forward and repeated the query.

A second later she leaned back. 'Apparently, Sjin "knows what he's doing,"' Nano said, rolling her eyes. Well, one eye. The other... it didn't even have a pupil. It was just a shiny purple orb. 'Yeah, sure he does.'

'I think I know what his plan is,' Lalna said. He carefully turned, adjusting how he sat until he could easily face both Honeydew and Nano. 'I haven't actually been back there, but I'm pretty sure the taint gives off this sort of... fog. If Sjin's smart enough, he could slip in there.'

'So not only are we trusting Sjin to fly us in an unstable plane, but we're trusting Sjin to fly us in an unstable plane through massive amounts of fog.' Honeydew turned. Goodbye, sweet sunlight.

'I don't know about Sjin or any “fog,” but the plane's good. Aren't you, Ser Spruce?' Nano said, patting the hull.

Lalna stared at Nano. 'What? Sir spruce?'

'Oh.' Nano's expression darkened. Or was that just a darker blot of purple? 'I _was_ Sjin's assistant for a while. He taught me to fly her, ages ago.'

Sjin shouted something.

'What was that?' Honeydew yelled.

Nano leaned forward and tapped Xephos on the shoulder. Honeydew could see Xephos's mouth move, but couldn't clearly hear anything.

'Sjin said we're almost at tainted land,' Nano said over the wind.

'You feelin' alright?' Honeydew asked.

Nano nodded. The plane vibrated through another patch of turbulence as Nano spoke. Once it stopped, Nano rolled her eyes and tried again. '--see it over that hill,' she said.

Honeydew sat up as high as he dared in the seat. There was the peak of a hill approaching.

'When we get there, we should start shooting at everything that moves,' Lalna said. He touched the mining laser Honeydew had lent him. 'What are we up against here?'

With a grimace, Nano jerked her head towards the hill. Was it just Honeydew, or did the sky look dark in that direction? 'Anything that's there for a while's going to attack us,' she said. 'Creepers, skeletons, pretty much everything on top of the taint swarms--'

Honeydew pulled out his gun and aimed it towards the increasingly dark sky. 'The fuck's a taint swarm?'

'Little bugs of taint that bite you,' Lalna said.

Xephos turned in his seat. 'Nano!' Honeydew just about heard. 'Is it usually that dark?!'

That was the last thing said before they crossed into tainted land.

The change was dramatic. One second they had been flying towards a slightly hazier landscape, next it was like all light had been extinguished. Below Honeydew could see the land abruptly change from what had looked like grassy hillsides into cracked and pockmarked chasms. When Honeydew looked up, he couldn't even see a halo made from the sun in the dense black fog.

It didn't feel like fog though. Fog was nice. It hung in mornings and gently drifted past windows. This fog was heavy. Honeydew could actually feel grit press onto his skin like insects attempting to chew through him. And it was thick. It had been a clear sunny day but now Honeydew could barely see Xephos's back.

Honeydew sucked in a startled breath and regretted it. The thick fog filled his lungs like water, and Honeydew choked. In front of him he could see Lalna, doubled over too and slapping an arm over his mouth. Xephos may have done so as well, but Honeydew couldn't tell. What he could tell was that Nano seemed unaffected.

Then he noticed the noise. It had been noisy before with the wind rolling and the plane rattling. But as Honeydew cupped his hands over his mouth he noticed that everything seemed quieter. The plane was still vibrating, so the engine hadn't cut out. And Honeydew could still feel the air tugging on his arms. He should be able to hear. It felt like cotton had been shoved into his ears the moment they'd crossed into the taint. When he paid attention to it, Honeydew could hear the roar of plane. It was just dulled by a _wufwufwufwuf_ in Honeydew's ears.

'Fuck--!' Lalna said succinctly.

'You couldn't have warned us about that!' Honeydew mumbled into his hand.

'Don't worry, you'll get used to it,' Nano called. 'The air’s harmless.'

 _Says the queen of flux,_ Honeydew thought. He just made out Nano turning to face Xephos, shrug, and smile his way.

Lalna's arm dropped. 'Fuck,' he said again, shaking his head. 'That's _awful_.'

Sjin shouted. It sounded like 'Ten minutes.'

The plane whined and Honeydew felt the plane press up at him. He could almost sense the ground dropping away and the plane rise higher. Great. They'd have further to fall if the plane exploded. And they'd splat into even bigger pieces when they reached terminal deceleration.

'You two alright?' Nano said as Honeydew dropped his hands.

'How the hell are we going to find the castle in this shit?' Honeydew managed.

'Sjin’s got the coordinates right?' Lalna said.

'Yeah,' Nano said. She peered into the distance. 'Hey, Lalna! I can see my old house from he--'

The plane gave another shudder, interrupting Nano. Honeydew seized the edge of the seat and swore as the plane tipped sideways for a second.

'We'll be there soon,' Xephos yelled.

'I can't see anything in this fog. Can you see the castle already, Nano?' Lalna said.

Honeydew couldn't hear a response. Nano was still staring ahead of them, back straight.

'Nano?'

Lalna's arm reached out and shook Nano's shoulder. 'Nano, can you hear me? Xephos, what's she looking at?'

Xephos glanced to Nano, mouthed a swear, and then stared forward. He turned back and gave an exaggerated shrug. His mouth moved, and Honeydew heard Sjin swear loudly.

'What happened? What's wrong?' Honeydew yelled.

'I don't know!' Lalna said. His voice started to lean towards hysteria. 'She just stiffened up all of a sudden. Nano?'

'Cover her eyes or something!'

'I can't reach!'

'Xephos! Can you cover Nano's eyes!?'

As Honeydew spoke, the plane abruptly jerked left and upward. Sjin shouted again, sounding aggravated.

'What did he say?' Honeydew asked.

The plane again switched from the regular forward movement into a twisty dive.

'Did he say _hostiles_?' Lalna said.

Xephos's voice reached them. '--guns or something, Sjin!'

Honeydew stared out into the darkness. Was it just him or were there little spots of purple light in the fog?

A burst of laser fire courtesy of Xephos shot forth.

'--barely got it fly--' Sjin's voice said. '--think I've got guns?!'

Lalna roughly shoved Nano. 'S-snap out of it! Please, come on!'

A purple point of light darted past Honeydew's nose. He caught a glimpse of what looked like teeth.

'What the fuck is that!?'

This time Sjin's voice carried clearly to the back of the plane. 'Taint swarm!'

Honeydew immediately joined Xephos in firing at the lights.

'Everyone hold on! Evasive manoeuvres!' Sjin shouted.

'Oh _fuck_.' Honeydew drew his arm back and tried to grab a tighter grip on the plane around him. He wasn't quick enough. The wind buffeted him as the world spun, and g-forces tore the gun from Honeydew's grasp.

For several seconds the plane was a roller coaster of every direction. The plane around Honeydew was driven into his sides and his foot slipped free of the little plank of wood he'd been resting it on. The air was black with fog.

When there was a pause in Sjin's wild steering, Honeydew managed to pull out a remote. The tiny light from the screen did not light the surrounding fog.

'Come on...' he muttered. The remote buzzed as Honeydew typed "laser," into the keypad. 'The signal's fine, just connect and send me a weapon....'

The remote buzzed again, and Honeydew caught the mining laser that materialised on his lap.

'Yes!' Honeydew crowed, securely tucking the remote away.

In front of him Honeydew could see Lalna had grabbed Nano and stopped any chance of her being flung from the plane. Xephos had stopped firing; instead he looked like he was yelling at Sjin.

In the few glimpses Honeydew could see of Sjin, he was swatting at the air and was surrounded in purple. A panicked scream reached through the fog, like a fraying rope snapping into two.

'Get the fuck off!' Xephos yelled. In a burst of lasers the purple scattered. 'Sjin--!'

Lalna leaned a bit further out of his seat and managed to grab Nano's head. 'Nano, _please_ ,' he yelled into her ear. Lalna covered Nano's eyes.

Honeydew did not pay attention to this. Instead he was focused on Sjin. And how he was starting to slump in his seat. And how Xephos looked like he was shouting his head off.

'What the fuck happened!' Honeydew said.

Nano abruptly twitched, swatting Lalna's hands off her face. 'Whoa! What the hell?!'

'You went all weird!' Lalna shouted.

'Where the hell are we! Why are we flying weird?'

'We got attacked--!' Lalna began.

Xephos yelled something at Nano, who shook her head.

'What? I do not! Did they bite Sjin?!' Nano said.

Xephos nodded, then turned back and grabbed Sjin’s arm.

'How many?!' Nano said.

'Fuck if I know!' Honeydew faintly heard Xephos snarl.

Nano glanced up, then at the sky in front of them. She abruptly spoke again. 'Sjin, keep the plane as steady as you can! Xephos, if he falls unconscious do _not_ let him fall on those controls!' Nano fiddled with her seatbelt, then reached up and took hold of the plane's wing.

Then she stepped onto the plane.

'What the hell are you doing!?' Honeydew yelled.

Nano tossed her head towards Sjin. 'Need someone to land this!' she yelled.

'What's _wrong_ with him! What do the bites do?!' Lalna said.

Nano ignored him in favour of climbing her way from her seat and using the cords between the wings to support herself.

Honeydew glanced behind them. He was reminded of a galaxy, except purple and a lot faster. Honeydew fired a laser at the swarm and watched as the bolt of green light was abruptly swallowed by darkness.

'Lalna?' Honeydew grabbed the other's shoulder and pointed at the swarm behind them. Lalna's eyes widened.

'I don't think a mining laser's strong enough for that,' he said.

'Just shoot any that get close,' Honeydew said. He eyed the plane wings above him. Heavy cords were strung all over the things, almost concealing the bright runes drawn over them. He reached out and grabbed one--

'Honeydew--!'

\--and pulled himself out of his seat. Instantly the wind lashed at Honeydew and he clutched to the cords around him.

'Oh my _god_ , you both are crazy,' Lalna said. 'I'll go if--'

'Don't you dare, you'll tip the plane,' Honeydew snapped.

' _You'll_ tip the plane!'

'Yeah but if you fall out that's three of us dead, you _stay_.'

Honeydew swallowed, then carefully swiped for a cord further along the wing and scooted past Lalna.

Nano came to a stop on the edge of Sjin’s seat and peered at the controls. As Honeydew passed Nano's seat, trying not to look down, Sjin’s head dropped forward.

Xephos grabbed Sjin and stopped him falling onto the controls. Sjin's grip slackened on the joystick, and the plane nosedived.

It felt like Nano took years to grab the joystick and pull up.

It felt awfully like nothing happened. The plane whined, but they didn't noticeably pull out of their dive.

'Uh oh,' Nano said.

Honeydew braced himself on the wing beside Xephos. 'What's uh oh?' he said quickly.

Nano glanced at him, then turned back to the controls. 'Sjin’s upgraded this.'

'You can't fly it then?' Xephos said.

'Is the fact that we're still going down not a clue!?' Nano helplessly pulled at the joystick again. Nothing. 'It's all magical rubbish and I don't know where the landing gear is!’

Honeydew aimed and shot at a purple cloud ahead of them. They scattered. 'Try pressing all the buttons.'

'Sjin has ejector seats, it's too risky!' Nano shrieked.

'Don't use ejector seats!' Lalna's voice yelled.

'What do we do then? We can't even see the ground!' Xephos said.

Another swarm of taint lazily swirled closer, only to scatter from Honeydew's laser fire. He could feel the gritty fog pressing harder at him. The plane was shuddering at an uncomfortable rate. Even with the fog Honeydew could imagine the ground falling towards them at an alarming speed.

Nano shot a glance at Sjin, then to the controls, then to the front of the plane.

'Guys?!' Lalna shouted. 'Plane going up would be great!'

It seemed like the taint clouds were thickening as they plummeted. Both Honeydew and Lalna fired outwards. Each burst of light scattered the taint, but they came back faster each time. The fog still itched at Honeydew's throat. He couldn't spend time trying to keep his lungs clear though, if he looked away for a second the taint would latch onto every part of the plane. As it was, it was pure luck they'd avoided more bites. Sjin's eyes were glassy with pain, fully occupying Xephos's hands and preventing him from helping. Nano was gone-- wait what?

She had vanished from beside Sjin. The joystick waved wildly in her absence. Honeydew instinctively grabbed it and pulled up, feeling the plane slightly draw out of their downward race in response. Not enough to save their asses, but enough to keep Honeydew's hand on the stick.

Honeydew redoubled his grip on the wing and spared a glance down at the void below. No sign of Nano falling to break bones below.

'Front!' Xephos yelled.

Twin bursts of laser fire chopped the taint before them into a scatter of light. Honeydew stared helplessly at the fog before them, and the small spots of taint that clung to the plane.

When Honeydew looked at the nose of the plane, he almost lost his grip on the wing.

'Nano! What the fuck are you doing!?'

Somehow Nano had gotten to the front of the plane, sitting on it like it was a horse. The propeller whirred in front of her, practically invisible from speed and fog. A white and oblong shape was in Nano's hands and she aimed it like a gun at what Honeydew guessed was the ground they were heading for.

'What's she doing?' Xephos asked.

'She's sitting on the front of the plane,' Honeydew said.

'She's what?' Lalna yelled.

Honeydew scanned the controls for himself. Frustratingly there were no helpful labels, nor anything that looked like the controls for the shuttle or spaceship.

'Don't touch any of that, I know what I'm doing!' Nano yelled. Honeydew gave her an incredulous look, but she had returned her attention to her gun. If Honeydew squinted, he could see little bursts of light flying from it and vanishing into the fog.

Although, there looked like there was a very large, very wide, and very solid looking surface rushing forward to meet them.

It was almost funny. Honeydew was going to die not in a spaceship, not as a heroic sacrifice saving the day, but in a plane crash. The fog seemed to thin, and Honeydew could make out crumbling rock and purple fields. It drew closer, closer, an unstoppable force meeting a very fragile collection of meat and wood.

An odd object was darting along the ground. It was like a giant circular mirror, glowing around the edges.

The ground was a few seconds away when Honeydew shut his eyes and tried to brace for impact. It was pointless, but he had to attempt something in the approach of the world. He could feel the plummet in his stomach.

Then Honeydew was upside down.

He would have let go of the plane in shock. Thank the gods for self-preservation instincts. Honeydew’s eyes opened to see that the fog filled sky above them was solid earth, and below was a foggy sky that they were falling up to meet.

Nano gave a whoop. 'Yes! Oh my god _yes_ , that actually worked!'

Honeydew found his voice. 'What did you do?'

'Portal gun!' Nano yelled. The plane righted itself and reached the end of its arc, starting to fall once more. 'Speedy thing goes in, speedy thing goes out!'

Lalna's voice was strained. 'How the hell do _you_ have one of those?!'

Honeydew grabbed the joystick again and tried to slow the plane. 'We're still under attack. Nano, keep doing that until we don't snap our legs open.'

'Already on it!'

'I'll just keep holding Sjin, shall I?' Xephos said.

It took three more portals before they were sufficiently slowed. The plane glided to the earth. The taint swarms raced from the previous portal to catch up with them. Honeydew winced as the plane skidded, the hull tearing itself apart under them. It bounced and slid and dropped hunks of wood in their wake, but it came to a halt before the wing runes flickered out.

The second the hull runes died, the whole thing started to creak.

'Everyone out!' Xephos barked.

With wood snapping under their scrambling fingers, all five bailed.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is not going to be another update until the end of November because of my exams. I might be able to squeeze in some work towards the next chapter in that time, but it probably won't be enough for a weekly update until exams are done.  
> Thanks everyone for reading, I'll see you at the end of the month.


	8. Rhamnusia

'Everyone out!' Xephos barked.

Honeydew spotted Nano drop off the grounded plane, hit the ground, and vanish into the thick taint fog. Just like that, Nano was gone. Behind Honeydew, Lalna yelped as he scrambled free of his seat. The runes around it flickered and vanished, the seat itself creaking as it collapsed in on itself. It almost trapped Lalna foot, sealing itself under him seamlessly. The second Lalna was free he dived from the plane.

Unlike Lalna, Xephos had a seat that was normally present. As did Sjin. Yet Sjin was a sack of bone and a tangle of limbs, one that was a struggle to pull free. Both Honeydew and Xephos had to work to lever Sjin from the creaking wreck of a plane. It didn’t help how the faltering runes of the ruins were breaking down. Wood snapped under their fingers as they clambered up and out.

Honeydew landed on melting earth and stumbled. What he thought had been ground was just another thick layer of fog, and his legs dropped straight through it onto uneven ground. It was like stepping in a pit of mud that had no weight to it. The air was clearer at eye level, “clearer,” meaning Honeydew could see for ten metres instead of fuck all. Beyond that Honeydew’s vision degraded into a murky blur.

The second after Honeydew regained his footing he turned crisply and caught Sjin. Xephos dropped down beside them, his gun drawn.

Once he had steady footing Xephos beckoned to Honeydew, then pointed forward to an incline. It was a patch of ground that emerged from the knee-tall fog like a lump on the head. Honeydew nodded even as hoisted Sjin’s dead weight onto his back. He rapidly strode after Xephos and tried to keep his balance. Sjin’s limbs were like slippery rope that sprawled over Honeydew and tangled into the strap of his mining laser. It seemed an awful lot like Sjin was _trying_ to trip him over. While he was unconscious. What a git.

On top of the incline both slowed to a halt. Sjin’s weight was digging into Honeydew’s shoulder and almost toppled him as he turned. Below them the plane sat. The fog around it made it look like it was sinking into a lake. Except the lake was an expanse of corrupted magic that would probably eat them, or suffocate them, or kill them in another painful way.

Rocks scattered beside them, barely audible over the creaking plane. The sound gave way to Lalna, breathing heavily, and he joined them on top of the hill.

‘Is... is it gonna blow up?’ Lalna said.

Honeydew shrugged as best as he could. He roughly adjusted the strap of his mining laser and Sjin again. His shoulder was starting to ache.

Xephos gave Lalna an appraising look. ‘You still you?’ he asked.

‘Yeah,’ Lalna said dismissively. He gestured towards the plane. ‘Seriously, should we move away from that?’

Honeydew looked to the plane just in time to see the runes flash. The plane went dark. With the sound of a giant stepping on a tree, the plane fell into pieces.

The conscious three waited a moment for an explosion. Or a burst of light. Or something, _anything_ like the previous times the runes had failed around them.

Nothing happened. Nothing, except for distant swarms of taint trailing far above them.

Xephos spoke abruptly. ‘Did either of you see which way Nano ran?’

‘I didn’t,’ Lalna reported.

‘Neither.’

‘Well, shit.’ Xephos pulled out his own remote, holstering his gun as an afterthought. The screen flickered wildly. ‘And no signal. Of _fucking_ course.’

Lalna’s hand drifted down to his side, skimmed along the fabric, and hung in the air. He glanced down. ‘Where’s my...’ he began, then scowled and muttered a swear.

‘I got a mining laser before it conked out,’ Honeydew said quietly.

‘It shouldn't be _able_ to conk out...’ Xephos said, sounding frustrated.

‘We should find somewhere that's safe,’ Lalna said. ‘Eh, safer.’

Xephos groaned. ‘Safer? We're standing in the middle of taint! How the hell can we find somewhere safe when everyone who might know where to go are gone?!’

‘I dunno.’ Lalna glanced around them. ‘Anyone have a flare gun?’

‘This lump’s got his wand,’ Honeydew said. He elbowed Sjin in the stomach. No response came from the wizard.

With a sigh, Xephos shook his head. ‘I don't think light would travel far in this.’

‘The purple things seem to be light enough to see,’ Honeydew said.

‘Yeah well. They're taint, sitting around in taint, and taint is fucked up magic, and magic fucks physics.’ With a look above them, Xephos shook his head again. Then, picking what looked like a random direction, Xephos started to step down the side of the hill. The other two followed.

The broken remains of the plane faded as they walked deeper into the taint fog. Far stranger shapes loomed around them in place of it. Shards of what looked like fossilised trees were jammed in the ground like rusty tent poles. Great chasms appeared underfoot, each thousands of unseeable kilometres deep and barely a horse’s reach wide. They almost swallowed the walkers whole.

Out of nowhere came places where the ground was pitted. The cracks were concealed under the layer of dense fog, ready to trip unwary feet. It was like a ruthless giant had beaten the earth, and the fog was an intangible bandage trying to hide the wounds. Some of these cracks sloped upwards and somehow, impossibly, became unclimbable cliffs that forced the three to change course in light of.

Above the three, the sky was cloaked in layers of twisted dark. Mixes of black, purple, grey, even spots of red curled over them. There was a weight to it that bent each of their heads. That sky was a sight best avoided. In it, the swarms swirled. Each point glowed a bright purple that moved too rapidly to track.

It was a miracle the taint swarms didn't strike. Nor any twisted, tainted, and dying monsters. They were trapped, grounded, and without access to Hole Diggers they were virtually unarmed. If they were attacked by the full brunt of tainted creatures present, they wouldn't last long. Then again, maybe that meant whatever consciousness the taint had saw no need to attack them. Wasn't that a lovely thought.

It was after what felt like twenty minutes of broken terrain when Xephos muttered, ‘We're definitely not going to find Nano in this.’

Lalna’s head dipped lower. His eyes were fixed to the ground where the fog swirled underfoot. And overfoot. And up to their knees at points.

‘...I'm going to kill me,’ he said in a hollow tone.

Again the three fell silent. The fog did not encourage a chatty atmosphere. Honeydew kept his gaze down, watchful for any place where his footing would be thrown into disarray. It really would be a bit shit if his carelessness led to another two of their number vanishing.

The soft crunch, crunch, crunch, of the other’s steps were the loudest sounds to hit Honeydew's ears. Every other sound was dead air. It was like walking in snow. There may have been a buzz at the base of Honeydew's skull, or ghosts of whispers in his ears, yet beyond imagination and into reality there was nothing. No wind. No life. Just the three walkers, the deep fog, and the tainted creatures that could appear at any moment and shred their skulls apart. The three sets of footsteps were clear though. All Honeydew needed to do was listen and follow the sound. And watch the ground. And try not to drop Sjin.

Abruptly the other steps halted. Jerkily Honeydew did the same, the methodical rhythm torn apart in an instant. He raised his gaze and gave Xephos a questioning glance.

‘What happened?’ Honeydew said. The sound died in the solid air, barely living longer than a photon.

At least to Honeydew's eyes, their surroundings hadn't changed much. It was still as dim as a dungeon, still held torn land that was twisted into tortured shapes. Still without a sign of Lalna's old castle.

One of the twisted shapes was the subject of Xephos’s attention. If Honeydew squinted it looked a bit like an ent drowning and pleading for assistance.

‘We've passed that before,’ Xephos said.

Lalna's head lifted a bit.

‘Should we turn around?’ he said dully.

‘We'll probably run into it again if we're walking in circles,’ Honeydew said.

'Sure,' Lalna said.

No one moved. Honeydew sure didn't have any brilliant ideas to get them out, and he would easily bet that nobody else did either. Apart from ideas like “sprout wings,” and “scale a cliff,” and while he might manage a cliff, neither Honeydew nor the others could magic up some wings.

‘You'd think a castle would be easy to find,’ Xephos said wryly. ‘I mean, the plane was heading right for it. We really should have bumped into it if we were going the right way.’

‘Nano's gun did teleport us around. And Sjin was unconscious long before that.’ Honeydew looked towards their resident scientist. ‘Lalna, any of this look familiar to you?’

‘No,’ Lalna said.

Lalna still was looking at the ground, even if his head was up.

Honeydew frowned. ‘You alright, friend?’

It took Lalna a few seconds to reply. His eyes darted up, smiled stretched a bit too wide. ‘It's noth--’ he began, voice strained.

He stopped as both gave him flat glares. Honeydew furrowed his eyebrows while Xephos just folded his arms and waited.

Lalna’s gaze dropped to focus somewhere around Xephos’s knees. 'I've got a headache,' Lalna somewhat sheepishly said.

In response Honeydew stepped closer to Lalna. ‘What kind of headache?’ Honeydew said. He tried to prevent concern leaking into the words. ‘Is it a “getting a cold,” headache or a “weird mental shit,” headache?’

Lalna gave a tired shrug. ‘It's a fucking headache,’ he said unhelpfully. ‘How am I s’posed to know the difference?’

‘Tell us if it gets worse, yeah?’ Honeydew said sternly.

‘Sure, sure,’ Lalna said. ‘Should we get going then?’

‘And get even more lost?’ Xephos said.

'So what do we do?'

‘Well I don't fucking know. Yell at the top of our lungs?’

Honeydew shifted most of his attention to Sjin, keeping one ear on the other's discussion. It was a pickle. Honeydew couldn't put Sjin down, in case the ground had a type of poison transmitted on contact with wounds. But that meant Honeydew couldn't check if Sjin _had_ any more injuries, or if he was recovering from the taint bites.

And even if Honeydew could check on Sjin from his back, there was the mild problem of _how the **fuck** do you work out if someone was permanently tainted or not?!_

They'd have to kill that creeper nest when they came to it. If it _did_ become a problem they would just have to cope.

From where Sjin was slung over Honeydew's shoulder, Honeydew could faintly hear that the other was still breathing. He might also have heard Sjin's heart rate, but it was so faint in the sound-dulling fog that Honeydew couldn't know for sure if it was a real or imagined sound.

It did not help that both Xephos and Lalna were still shifting and sending the tainted earth crunching loudly under them. Crunch, crunch, crunch, on and on the sound went and choked his hearing. Louder and louder, approaching them rapidly--

Realisation struck Honeydew just before Nano struck Lalna.

One second Lalna had paused mid-sentence and was turning the rapid footsteps’ way. Next moment Lalna was body checked by a short shape cloaked in red, and both almost crashed to the ground. Lalna barely stayed upright, arms wind milling.

‘Oh thank _gods_ ,’ Nano said. She hugged Lalna only for a second more before bounding across to do the same to Xephos. Lalna stood in the aftermath, off balance, blinking like a possum in a bright light.

Xephos quickly hugged Nano back, then pushed her a step back and gave her a once over. ‘Is anything after you?’ he said quickly.

‘No, nah, things are fine like that. Ah ha, fine. Yeah.’ Nano bent over and supported her weight on her knees. Her face was red, each of her breaths loud and heavy.

‘Are _you_ alright then?’ Xephos said.

‘Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Did a bit of a run, that's all. I thought you, you guys. You just. You just ran off, and complete opposite--’ Nano pressed a fluxed hand to her mouth, seemingly to catch her breath.

Looking up, Honeydew eyed the swarms of taint. They were still there. Still growing brightly, still not attacking.

‘Do I get a hug?’ Honeydew joked.

A burst of breathless laughter escaped Nano. 'Not when. Not when you're lugging, lugging that jerk. Ha.’

'What happened to you? We thought you'd, uh....' Lalna paused, then gestured vaguely out at the fog. '...Vanished,' he finished, face screwing up around the word.

'Same here,' Nano said. Her voice was a bit hysterical. 'I thought we were, you know... meeting up at the castle?’

Xephos gave her a look like she was a bit of code displaying strange results.

'...How could we meet there if we can't see it?' Xephos slowly said.

Nano stared at them.

'What're you talking about? It's right over there,' Nano said.

As Nano spoke, she pointed past the ent-shaped shape into the black fog.

Into the black, opaque, absolutely castle-less fog.

Carefully, Honeydew looked back to Nano.

‘...Am I the only one that's seeing really shit fog, and no castle?’ Honeydew asked.

‘No, I'm seeing fog,’ Lalna said. Xephos made an affirmative sound.

Nano gaped at them. Her eyes darted between each of the group and the fog ahead of them. ‘Seriously? You guys... you can't see that?’ Her voice was coated in disbelief.

This time the sound Xephos made was negative. He had a hand cupped over his eyes and was peering the way Nano had pointed. Really though, as if shading his eyes would help see in the black fog. Xephos took a half step towards it. It was more a shuffle of feet than actual motion.

‘Your eyes must be millions of times better than ours,’ Honeydew said. ‘How far can you see?’

‘Um. Normal, normal distance I guess.’

‘You're not bothered by the fog at all?’

Nano still looked confused. ‘...What _fog?_ ’ she said incredulously.

‘The fog?’ Lalna said flatly. ‘You know. The fog we had trouble breathing in, the fog that's making the place dark, the fog that I'm pretty sure we mentioned. You could have said, at some point, that you didn't see it.’

‘But there's no fog!’ Nano said. ‘There's _never_ fog!’

‘So what, you and what’s his name just “magically,” didn't see fog when you came here?’

With a frustrated sound, Nano waved her arms towards the fog. ‘You guys only were coughing! I _know_ that the air’s a bit itchy, but that's _easy_ to get used to! And Lalna, _my_ Lalna, he always wore goggles ‘cause his eyes got irritated. But he never said _anything_ about fog!’

‘What goggles were these?’ Xephos said quietly.

Nano brightened. ‘Oh, they were pretty cool. They were a bit like the thaumometer, but they covered all your eyes so you didn't need to hold the glass all the time. You could see all the magic go _zappy zap zap_ all over the entire base. They were awesome.’

Xephos gave her and the fog long, considering glances. ‘...Can someone ta me the glass?’ he said.

Nano obliged.

The second Xephos held the gold ring to his face, he groaned and bopped himself on the forehead with it. ‘I can see,’ he reported. ‘It's still murky and gritty and tricky, but I can make out the castle.’

‘Wha-- _how_?’ Nano darted over and nicked the thaumometer, turning it every which way. ‘If you broke it I _swear_....’

‘Why would it be broken?’ Lalna muttered.

‘It’s a thing that lets you _see magic_. It doesn't hide things! Oh _gods_ , if this is broken Lalna's gonna kill me....’

Lalna said something quietly. It sounded a lot like, ‘Great, that's two of us.’

Ignoring this, Honeydew cleared his throat and neatly caught the attention of the group. ‘Anyone gonna ask how come Nano can see?’

‘Yeah, actually. Why _can_ you see?’ Xephos said. His thoughtful expression morphed into one like he had fixed a particularly stubborn generator. ‘How's your eye?’

‘Sorry?’

‘Your eye, you know....’ Xephos gestured to his own right eye.

It took a moment for Nano to nod in comprehension. ‘They're fine. I mean, it's a bit hazy and purple through the flux--’ she flicked a hand towards the eye ‘--but it's always like that.’

‘And you don't see any fog, or dark mist, or anything unnatural obscuring your vision?’ Xephos said.

‘Well half my _vision_ is purple,’ Nano said. Honeydew could hear air quotes around the word “vision.” ‘But like I said, that's normal.’

‘Hmm. Maybe....’ Xephos looked to the “castle.” He held his hand out for the gold ring. ‘You should probably go in front. Make sure we don't fall into holes or anything.’

As Xephos spoke, Nano glanced at a point a few metres behind Honeydew. She passed the thaumometer to Xephos.

‘Sure thing,’ Nano said. She cleared her throat. ‘Alright men! Look alive, get in marchinnnng orrrr _dah!_ One and two and three and four and _one_ and two and three and four and _one_....’

 

* * *

 

With sight finally on their side, the journey went smoother. Nano easily led them around the chasms, the cliffs, the craters, each time expressing disbelief as the group proved that _yes, they really could not see shit._ Each time this happened Nano shook her head, muttered something under her breath, then in a voice dripping with mocking tones explained what it was they couldn't see.

Every few minutes, or at least it felt like it, Nano or Xephos would call out roughly how far the castle was from them. On multiple occasions it was followed by one or the other pointing out yet another obstacle and the group having to take a long detour. Even under the hawk-like gaze of Xephos and Nano, Honeydew almost fell into some chasms. It didn't help that Sjin kept throwing him off balance.

 _When you wake up, I am going to shake you by the ankles upside down_ , Honeydew thought as a quick hand from Xephos stopped him from tumbling down the side of a cliff.

And then there stood the castle.

It appeared out of nothing. Between one step and the next, stone walls that stretched as far as Honeydew's eyes could see appeared in the black expanse. In fairness this was not a great distance considering Honeydew’s current perception. Yet between the second it appeared and the second Honeydew actually examined the building, instead of focusing on the fact that _holy fuck they made it_ , he thought it was large enough to cover the horizon.

As the group drew closer it became clear that this hyperbole was not true. For one there was a great gaping hole in the wall like a giant had taken a bite out of it. In the bubble of sight Honeydew had, the tops of the walls eluded him. But Honeydew could see slants of wall crumped in the tainted soil. By looking at the collapsed part of the wall, he could make a guess of the walls originally being at least ten metres high. Maybe twenty. Bitterly, Honeydew noted that ten metres was the same estimation of how far he could see. Fan-fucking-tastic.

The castle sat on a hill, above the thick fog around Honeydew's feet. Rubble lay in a collection around it, each with small purple flecks creeping up their sides like tree roots. Or worms. Between the efforts of time and the dim fog, the castle looked nothing like Lalna's old home. It looked haughtier. Crueler. Honeydew may have only visited once or twice before the taint, but he knew what castles looked like. He and Xephos had broken into them enough to know the general look. Covered in taint and breaking at the seams was not the normal look.

Lalna stopped walking.

‘You alright?’ Honeydew said. As he spoke, Xephos stopped Nano from pulling ahead. Both paused amongst the rubble.

Lalna's expression was tense.

‘You know that headache?’ Lalna said through gritted teeth. ‘It just got worse.’

Xephos’s head whipped to face them. His eyes darted every which way before they fixed onto Lalna. ‘W-well I guess that's good,’ he said cheerfully, shifting where he stood. ‘If we're poking at the walls of your heads, we've got to be on the right track.’

'I'd prefer it if we didn't poke at the mindy things,' Lalna muttered. 'It _hurts_.'

‘Yeah well, so does fixing a dislocated arm,’ Xephos said.

‘Only if you do it manually. If you get one of those med-bots with general anaesthetic installed--’

Honeydew interrupted Lalna. ‘If we're stopping for the moment, I'm going to check on Sjin,’ he said. Without waiting for a reply Honeydew stepped towards one of the collapsed stones. Like the others, the top was clear of taint. A few scouting tendrils had crept up the base, but it was nowhere near tainting the full surface.

Nodding, Xephos turned and selected his own stone for a seat. He was soon joined by Lalna and they started to talk quietly. The words “robot,” “really?” and the general sound of debating reached Honeydew. Nano perched on a rock relatively closer to them instead of Honeydew. A second passed, then she tossed Honeydew the lab coat “her,” Lalna owned. It was already folded into a passable pillow.

It took Honeydew three minutes to check Sjin for injuries. When he was finished Honeydew grimaced, dusted his hands theatrically and faced the rest of the group.

‘Right,’ he said, emphasizing the “T,” in the word. ‘Good news and bad news. Anyone have a preference?’

‘Can we not just have news?’ Lalna said.

Honeydew rolled his eyes. ‘Fine then. Picky. Sjin’s not unconscious is the bad news.’

‘He's not?!’ Nano moved backwards along the stone she sat on, hugging her knees.

‘So what is it? Paralysis?’ Xephos asked, leaning forward.

‘Dunno. It doesn't look like it.’ Honeydew waved a hand over Sjin's face. His eyes were glassy, staring straight ahead. He didn't even flinch when Honeydew dug his knuckles in the farmer’s sternum. ‘If it was that he'd at least be aware. Nah. He's unresponsive but definitely conscious.’

‘And your good news?’ Nano said uneasily.

Gesturing to Sjin's arm, Honeydew gave a grim smile towards the group. ‘He had a shit ton of bites before, and they're disappearing,’ Honeydew said. ‘We're gonna have to hope that means the poison’s leaving his system. He doesn't look like he's tainted,’ he added, looking towards Nano.

Nano huffed. ‘Why’re you looking at me! I don't know _anything_ about this.’

‘Really?’ Lalna said disbelievingly. ‘You are literally _covered_ in taint and you don't know anything?’

‘You-- just, shut up!’ Nano snapped. ‘You don't know any crap either--!’

‘Is this _really_ the time?’ Xephos said. He gave the pair a stern look until both fell silent. ‘ _Thanks,_ ’ said slowly, then met Honeydew's gaze.

Honeydew shook his head. ‘We'll need someone who actually knows this shit to check for us,’ he said.

‘Isn't there a ton of magic policemen right outside this biome?’ Lalna said.

With a sigh, Xephos dropped his gaze. ‘They'll arrest Nano on the spot,’ he mused. ‘She's a criminal, remember?’

Lalna did a double take. ‘Oh. Forgot about that.’

‘What about Purple?’ Xephos offered. ‘Knowing you, he probably has some stuff on this.’

Lalna frowned. ‘Purple?’

Xephos pointed towards Nano and waited.

Lalna immediately rubbed the back of his neck. ‘Ah. Right, colours. Name colours.’

‘Either way if Sjin's not awake or at least _aware_ after an hour, I'm going to run as fast as I can to those policemen,’ Honeydew said. ‘How’re we getting out once we're done, by the way?’

As he spoke, Xephos passed Honeydew the purple glass. He tucked it away.

‘We can't walk back to the plane,’ Lalna said. ‘And this biome’s way too big to try walking out, sorry Honeydew.’

‘It's a better plan than just sitting here doing fuck all,’ Honeydew said.

Honeydew's attention was abruptly grabbed by Nano, waving the white and robust gun she had used earlier. ‘Or, we could think with portals,’ she said. ‘My Lalna made sure it could open a portal back home, to PandaLabs.’

‘Right. What are the coordinates, in case we get separated...’ Xephos said.

As Xephos talked escape routes, Honeydew picked Sjin back up and slung him over his shoulder. After a second’s thought Honeydew adjusted his mining laser again and pocketed the lab coat.

Lalna was examining his own mining laser. He slid open a panel on the side and checked the charge level. With a sharp nod and a _click_ as the panel shut, Lalna looked up. ‘Should we go then?’ he said.

‘Lalna, Nano, you go in first,’ Xephos said. ‘You both know where the computers are, right?’

‘We aren't splitting up to cover more ground,’ Nano immediately said.

‘Not sure if I know it all exactly,’ Lalna said at almost the same time.

Honeydew shrugged. ‘You know more than the rest of us.’

In turn, Xephos said to Nano, ‘Yeah, no splitting up unless we get attacked. And if we _do_ get attacked, everyone needs to focus on keeping the mobs as far away from Lalna as we can while he gets the info.’

‘Alright then, let's go,’ Nano said. She started towards the hole in the wall and they all followed.

When Honeydew passed through the broken walls, everything felt colder. It was not as if the mood of the group had dropped, although that was certainly true, but the temperature literally dropped a few degrees. It was like walking outside on a cold morning.

He paused at the edge of the torn wall. ‘Did anyone else--’

Nano interrupted him. ‘Yes,’ she said tersely.

‘Did it actually get cold--’

‘ _Yes_.’

Honeydew tried to take shallow breaths. The cold air still trickled down his insides and sank into his bones.

As he stepped further into the castle his eyes were drawn to the walls. The stone around Honeydew felt and _looked_ stretched. Every wall towered above but they seemed much too close together. The walls looked too tall for how small the gaps between them were. It felt like the walls were leaning in, staring at Honeydew.

The group were quiet. Purple light ebbed in the fog.

A stone near Honeydew's foot sent his attention downwards to catch himself. The taint around his feet was free from the thick fog that had covered it before. Once he was stable Honeydew looked again up at the walls. He could see swaths of taint streaked against the inner walls. If he turned as they reached the centre of a cracked courtyard, Honeydew could almost trick himself into thinking something had burst from the ground and left the smears of taint as the only record of its presence.

Ahead of him, Nano easily made her way through the fog. For a second Honeydew lost sight of her, Nano's form almost swallowed a thick patch. ‘This way,’ she said. Honeydew switched his focus onto Xephos, who had his eyes on the sky. He soon disappeared after Nano.

Lalna paused for a second, staring up at what looked like a tower in the limited visibility. Honeydew stopped next to him.

‘You doing alright?’ Honeydew said.

Lalna visibly squirmed. ‘I really want to go back home,’ he said. ‘Seeing... seeing my castle like _this_ is freaky.’

‘I thought you knew about all this....’ Honeydew waved a hand at the fog, sky, and the castle In general. ‘...This, well y’know. _Taint_.’

The scientist gave Honeydew a withering stare. ‘I knew _about_ it. That's really not the same as walking around _in_ it,’ Lalna said, voice like a wound spring.

Thankfully the other two had walked in a straight line. Honeydew and Lalna caught up as Nano bent to unlock a small door attached to one of the towers.

‘Our computers should still be up on the fifth floor,’ Nano said. ‘I know they were still there last time we were here. Lalna said we might try retrieving them later, but we never got round to it.’

‘He got distracted, didn't he?’ Xephos said.

‘Yeah. He always does,’ Nano said. She shot a little grin Lalna's way, who pouted.

He pouted even more as Honeydew nudged him and mouthed, ‘ _Always_.’

Neither Xephos nor Nano noticed this.

‘How likely is it that we don't get noticed by the taint on our way up?’ Xephos asked.

‘There's no way we haven't already been noticed. Or did you not see how quick those things attacked the plane?’ Nano said.

‘...You did go all weird before that, so it wasn't as fast as you think it was,’ Lalna said.

Honeydew took stock of their surroundings. Nothing. Which option was worse: fighting a flood of enemies, or knowing there were a flood of enemies ready to attack but they just _weren't_ and instead waited just out of sight?

If Honeydew was honest, the answer would probably be _whichever he was currently experiencing_.

Nano paused in her unlocking the door. ‘Hey, small favour,’ she said as she started moving again. ‘If Sjin wakes up, could you guys not tell him about my portal gun?’

‘That's our escape route. We can't _not_ tell him how we're going to get out,’ Xephos said mildly.

‘Could you smack him over the head if he wakes up before then?’

‘No,’ Xephos said.

Nano's head bumped against the door. She quickly lent back and hissed, rubbing the bump.

‘Look,’ she said. Then she spoke rapidly. ‘Sjin put me in this dark and drippy prison place called _Asskabang_ , and I _know_ he'll probably try put me back in there but I don't _want_ to be stuck there and the portal gun’s how I've been getting out and if Sjin or the other one knows about it they'll take it and I'll be _stuck there_ in the cold and the wet and the _urrrgh_.’ Nano took a deep breath, then continued in a small voice. ‘I don't want to go to Asskabang. It's horrid.’

Honeydew knew the group were glancing at Sjin and not himself. All the same he shifted uneasily and tried to not look as well.

‘Look, Nano, we can't promise we'll not tell him,’ Xephos said. ‘If he doesn't wake up before we're done, then yeah I'll not talk about it. But if he wakes up, we have to let him know how we're getting out.’

Nano’s shoulders drooped. ‘That's the best I'm gonna get, isn't it?’ she said tiredly. ‘He'll probably lock me up the second this is over....’

‘If we have to tell him, we could try breaking you out ourselves,’ Honeydew suggested.

‘Mm-- Yes! We could, we could try our hand at smashing through some spells,’ Xephos said. ‘It can't be too hard if Lalna can manage it.’

Lalna shrugged. ‘Maybe. Let's just get this done first.’

‘Thanks,’ Nano said. She then glowered at the door. ‘Also, this stupid thing is _completely_ jammed. Stand back a sec.’

Honeydew retreated behind a rock. The fog was thick enough to make Nano and the door fuzzy, like looking through a thin waterfall, and Honeydew pulled out the thaumometer. He blinked as his sight sharpened, albeit with a purple tint. Honeydew watched as Nano pulled out a small stick. He then scrambled to an even further away rock when the stick expanded, in a series of clicks and whirrs, into a bazooka.

Two seconds, a loud bang, and a rumble through the air later, there was no door. Well, technically there was a door, but a large chunk of it was missing and what remained emitted smoke. Nano’s gun folded back in on itself as she fiddled with it. Just like that, Nano’s gun was a small stick.

‘...How the fuck does that work?’ Honeydew asked as the group drew back together. He poked at the bazooka stick. ‘Where’s it keep the ammo?’

‘Um. I don't know? I didn't really make it,’ Nano said uncertainly. She shot a pleading look towards Lalna.

Lalna had started openly laughing and leant against the nearest wall.

‘Did Lalna make it?’ Honeydew said. It was barely larger than a pencil, far smaller than a bullet or any part of the gun. ‘Lalna! You need to figure out how to make these!’

‘How exactly do I do that? Question myself?’ Lalna said cheerfully.

‘ _Exactly._ We could have a whole arsenal of weapons in our _pockets_ , and we won't have to be clueless without our satellite!’ Honeydew grinned at Nano. ‘How much have you got?’

She smiled back. ‘I've got my portal gun, the bazooka, a really sweet shotgun, sniper rifle, and a mini machine gun Lalna messed with--’

Xephos glanced up at the sky. ‘I'll go scout ahead. Feel free to join me once you're done,’ he grumbled.

‘Yeah, will do.’ Honeydew poked the stick again. It was surprisingly light for containing an entire freaking gun. ‘You two think there’s blueprints for this in the computers?’

With a shrug, Lalna said, ‘I don’t know. The uh, the other me probably made them after... after whatever it was.’ Lalna’s head dipped down, a small frown on his face. ‘I think I’m forgetting something.’

‘...Do you have an idea what you’re forgetting?’ Nano questioned.

‘It’s not, I don’t think it’s to do with mental stuff... it’s just--’ Lalna froze. His eyes widened. ‘Oh f-- Xeph?!’

Lalna shoved past Honeydew and dived towards the pieces of door Xephos had gone through. The scientist kicked the door-bits in his wake as he sprinted. He ran forward, yelped, then fell down into the darkness.

Honeydew and Nano almost collided in their rush to the door. ‘Lalna!?’ Honeydew yelled into the dim tower.

A very loud ‘ _Fuck!_ ’ issued from under them. ‘I’m fine! I’m fine guys.’

As Honeydew’s eyes adjusted to the dim light, he stared. He should have been looking into a round tower, albeit one rotting in taint. Instead, Honeydew’s gaze was swallowed by a gaping crater occupying much of the tower’s floor. It was several metres deep and built out of sharp inclines.

Lalna appeared to have almost fallen into the pit, narrowly saving himself a broken leg by catching one ridge a few feet below. Under him was darkness. Lalna’s legs dangled out into open space, and Honeydew could almost make out unpleasant shapes moving far below.

Without a word Honeydew shrugged Sjin onto a startled Nano, flopped onto his stomach, and reached a hand to Lalna. The scientist managed to grab it, and together the two tugged Lalna back onto solid land. Although considering how there was a massive hole in front of them, Honeydew was questioning how solid it was.

The second he feet were on the ground, Lalna pressed his back against the wall. ‘I remembered what I’d forgot,’ Lalna said breathlessly. He glanced at the broken door. ‘Probably isn’t useful anymore.’

‘Right now, you knowing anything to do with your head’s a good thing,’ Honeydew said. Nano nodded, then foisted Sjin back into Honeydew’s arms and looked expectantly towards Lalna.

Lalna’s hand flicked towards the door.

‘I had... I had a tesla coil installed under that door,’ Lalna said. ‘It was great. Fried anything I didn’t want in my castle.’ There was a hint of pride in Lalna’s tone.

Honeydew examined the door for himself, noting how the ground had a massive crack in it leading into the crater. Behind him he heard footsteps, and out the corner of his eyes Honeydew spotted Nano start inching her way around the edge of the crater.

‘Why’d you never make us a tesla thing? Might have been useful, you know how bad the Craggy Islands were when we first got there.’

There was a pause. Lalna opened his mouth, then closed it carefully.

‘I... I just didn’t think of it,’ he eventually said. ‘I did make them a long time ago. Long before I moved into the Jaffa factory. And we didn’t need them there.’

Honeydew finished rejigging Sjin onto his back. ‘You need some help standing up there, friend?’ Honeydew said.

Lalna’s head jerked up. ‘What?’ he said. He quickly pulled himself to his feet, giving Honeydew a sharp glare.

‘You know, if you need a rest, I’m not going to give you a piggy back,’ Honeydew said.

‘Do you want me to carry him for a bit?’ Lalna offered.

‘Nah, I’ve got it. I’ll just put him down when we get up to the computers, and we’ll probably get there soon.’

Across the hole, Xephos and Nano were approaching one another from opposite sides of the hole. Once they met, hardly visible in the dark and the fog, Honeydew noticed the pair were speaking. Honeydew waited, then tapped his earpiece with his spare hand.

Ok, he could understand the earpiece not working when they were in the air, flying through taint and hardly able to hear themselves. The microphones usually switched themselves off when they were close to one another or when there was far too much sound around it. But surely they should have started working again once at sea level.

It took the pair a few minutes to pick their way back over to the door, both looking glum. As they walked, Honeydew kept his mining laser primed and facing the darkness below them. Just in case.

‘So, there aren’t any stairs,’ Nano began.

‘There’s never been stairs here. It was always jetpacks or teleporters,’ Lalna interrupted.

Nano shot him a glare that immediately dropped to the ground. ‘...And the teleporters aren’t here,’ she finished.

‘Oh. Right, that’s not good,’ Lalna said.

‘So how do we get up?’ Honeydew asked slowly. ‘We don’t have jetpacks, and our remotes’ are fried.’

‘...Remotes?’ Nano said. ‘How would that help?’

It was Lalna who explained. ‘We’ve each got a remote linked to a satellite. The satellite’s in a stationary orbit and emits a signal that lets the remote communicate with the computers at Hole Diggers.’ Lalna’s expression then twisted. ‘Course, I don’t _have_ mine, but if I did I’d have pretty much everything in my pocket.’

‘Provided we had one at home,’ Xephos added cheerfully. ‘I’ve almost managed to set up a machine to build anything, if we ask for something we don’t already have. Needs quite a lot of power, but that’s what the Vault’s for.’

Nano nodded. ‘That sounds like something Lalna was thinking of.’

‘Yeah, it’s pretty cool. Now what do we do? You said it was on the fifth floor, right Nano?’ Honeydew said.

Nano tilted her head back and gestured up the tower. ‘Right up there,’ she said. ‘Really wishing I hadn’t taken off my jetpack when I was hiding from Sjin and... Sjin.’

‘Do none of us have flight?’ Lalna asked incredulously.

‘Sjin does,’ Nano said. ‘He was running around with this weird gold ball that let him fly when he was chasing me.’

‘His air sled?’ Lalna said.

‘What’s an air sled?’ Honeydew said.

Lalna began to speak, then frowned and looked confused. ‘Um. I don’t know.’

As a collective the group stared at Lalna. He wilted a bit.

‘I-it looked like a glowing ball of gold,’ Nano said. ‘And it was tiny, about the size of my foot. I’ve got no idea how his butt fitted on it.’

Honeydew glanced at Sjin. There were still bright purple bites laced across his arms. As Honeydew watched, one of them lifted itself into the air and disappeared in the fog. Many were left behind. ‘Not sure if Sjin’s waking up any time soon,’ Honeydew said.

‘It’s not Sjin we need to get up there though, it’s Lalna,’ Xephos said. ‘You do still remember the passwords for the computers?’

Lalna nodded. He too was staring up the castle walls. ‘Nano, did um... Purple, did he have any other way of getting up?’

‘There used to be another way up, through my tower,’ Nano said. She pointed vaguely towards a large amount of rubble. ‘I may have sent most of it to the moon.’

‘What about the back way through the cellar?’ Lalna said.

‘Nagas caused a cave in when we were trying to hide.’

‘...The waterfall at the old magic lab?’

‘It leaked all over the place and a lot of aspects got skody, so we got rid of it.’

‘And I’m going to guess that the railway would be too rusted to use even if it was intact,’ Lalna said, sounding frustrated.

Nano kicked at a hunk of purple soil. When the soil reached the downward turn of its arc, it took much too long to fall. ‘Can anyone see a clear surface for a portal?’ she said.

Honeydew’s gaze landed on the partially collapsed wall they had entered through. Slowly he looked up its length, judging heights and measuring distances. After a moment he faced the group and indicated the wall. ‘Can we get up there?’ Honeydew inquired.

Both Lalna and Xephos shook their heads.

Nano grimaced. ‘I think so,’ she said. ‘But even if I could, that wall’s not connected to anywhere useful.’

Pointing first at the wall, then tracing a line around the edge of the castle, Honeydew spoke. ‘If one or two of us can climb around the edge of the castle, we might be able to find a flat surface for your gun to shoot at.’

Xephos gestured towards the tower they were under. ‘There’s a window up there,’ he said triumphantly. ‘If we climb up the other wall, we should get a good enough angle on it for you to shoot through.’

The group examined the window. Honeydew slowly breathed out, then started looking at the lower walls. ‘If we put one portal down here, the people lower down could yell when the portal’s working.’

‘We probably can reach the upper levels of the tower from there,’ Lalna muttered.

Nano nodded slowly. ‘That could work...’ she said. ‘I’ll try.’

‘Wait, hold on guys!’

Honeydew glanced at Lalna, who had waved his hands to try get everyone’s attention. ‘Yeah?’ Honeydew said.

Lalna lowered his hands. ‘We can’t just send Nano up there on her own, what if she goes crazy--’

‘Hey!’

‘--again? Or if the taint attack her?’

‘Then... then I get killed by Purple too,’ Xephos said. ‘I could try climbing after you, but I’m not sure where you’d even _start_.’

‘And with this dressing gown, it’s amazing I’m still upright...’ Lalna admitted.

Honeydew shut his eyes. _Well, this should be fun._

Before Lalna could protest, the scientist found his arms full of unconscious magician.

‘How high up do you think we have to climb?’ Honeydew barked, squaring his shoulders.

‘Not sure, depends on how big the window is, or if there’s rubble on the inside.’

‘So climb as high as we can,’ Honeydew said. ‘Right. Xeph, can you check that your earpiece is working?’

Xephos blinked. Abruptly he covered his face with one hand, ducked his shoulders, and made a strangled sound.

‘...Did something happen?’ Lalna demanded.

‘Yes! Yes, something stupid did happen!’ Xephos said. ‘Fuck! Sorry, Honeydew.’

‘You didn’t sit on the mike, did you?’ Honeydew said.

‘No, that....’ Xephos groaned. ‘I completely forgot to put the earpiece back on.’

Lalna looked alarmed. ‘You didn't lose it, did you?’

‘It was in my pocket,’ Xephos said. He was fumbling in his pockets, growing increasingly tense.

‘It might’ve fallen out when the plane was flying everywhere,’ Honeydew said.

‘Maybe,’ Xephos muttered.

From a few metres away came the sound of someone clearing their throat. The three turned to see Nano, who took another pace towards the crumbled wall.

‘How about we get to the computers,’ she said. Nano pointed the gun at the flat wall beside the group. A wavering blue circle expanded across the wall, glowing faintly in the fog. It looked just like lava, except blue and black where lava was orange and red.

Honeydew nodded.

When he reached the base of the wall, Honeydew faintly heard Lalna say, ‘We'll be asking for trouble if they get too close to those swarms.’

‘Then we shoot them.’

‘...You are meaning the taint and not Honeydew and Nano, right?’

Honeydew scanned the weathered stone. The best place to climb would be either on the part of the wall directly beside the collapse, to make use of the gaps in the stone slabs and the numerous holds on the collapse, or the part of the wall where the fog oozed in.

‘No, obviously I would shoot my friends and not the stuff trying to kill us,’ Xephos said sarcastically.

But they needed to see the window as they climbed, so they couldn't climb at the gap in the wall. The edge of the collapse was facing towards the tower, helpfully, so that was their best bet.

Honeydew reached up and grabbed the first handhold. He grimaced. That wasn't stable at all.

‘You got any rope?’ he asked.

Nano shook her head.

Picking out the next few steps, Honeydew reached for a second hold. Next were his boots, and all his weight was clinging to the wall.

‘How much do you know about rock climbing?’ he called.

‘Don't fall off, don't rest on anything suspicious, make sure you're going the right way, and a bunch of other stuff.’

‘Done it much?’

‘Had to climb up a cliff to test our hang gliders. Didn't have the portal gun either, so if we fell off we'd just go _splat_.’ Nano clapped her hands to emphasis the point.

Honeydew pulled himself higher. ‘Be careful, alright?’

‘Yeah yeah, sure thing,’ Nano said flippantly.

‘And if you fall off and crack your head open, I'm not getting blamed,’ Honeydew added.

‘I'm not gonna fall off!’

Honeydew paused to test his handholds and footing, then twisted to give Nano a flat stare.

She grinned. ‘I'll check the window only when it's safe, and as soon as I spot one I'll yell out.’

Honeydew nodded, then returned his gaze up the wall.

It was still uncomfortably cold in the taint fog. Not as cold as the ice-bucket that was the End, nor cold enough to numb Honeydew's fingers, toes, or face. More like the cold on a winter’s day that came before someone turned a heater on. It was cold enough for discomfort, but not enough to shiver.

The gritty texture of the fog, matched by the wall, did not help matters.

Climbing up the wall was both better and worse than scaling a cliff. Better, because it did not slope backwards and make the pair have to climb with gravity pulling equally at their back, arms, and head, instead of pressing themselves down on their feet. Worse, because the wall was not as solid as a cliff. It didn't look like the wall had shaken the last loose stones free. Instead they waited for unwary climbers to put their weight on them and....

Honeydew muttered a curse as his foot slipped. Ignoring the swoop of fear and the clatter of pebbles, he clung like a spider with his other limbs and carefully searched for another spot.

He did not look up at the swirling fog and the hissing taint. He did not.

‘You alright?’ Nano called.

‘Fine,’ Honeydew replied, and kept climbing.

They were about six metres up, when Honeydew took a moment to check. It was funny how distances seemed larger when they became more of an obstacle. His fingertips were starting to hurt from pressing into the stone, and his shoulder blades too. Honeydew's legs were getting shaky. Looking up, he couldn't see the top of the wall. Whether that was from the wall sloping backwards or the taint hid it, Honeydew wasn't sure.

A wisp of glowing taint twirled its way into Honeydew's gaze.

He froze, then lowered his hand back to its previous hold. The soft sounds of Nano's climb halted below.

 _Don't move_ , Honeydew wanted to say. The words were bubbling like acid. _Don't move, don't say anything_.

The small dots were getting lower.

_Don't. Move._

Fog lazed around them. The little purple lights spun like a tiny tornado, one that could do more damage than its counterpart of wind. It drew closer, achingly slow.

Honeydew became very aware of his breathing.

The taint was a scant few metres away when Honeydew started, slowly, to reach for the mining laser. He focused on one of the lights. It was right in the middle. If he aimed there, he'd probably take out a fair few.

Abruptly Honeydew's eyes refocused. He stifled a yelp.

The taint swarm, close that it was, wasn't made of light. Honeydew could see teeth, eyes, even tiny claws, all packaged together so tightly inside its little point of light. The teeth were razor sharp, but they weren't inside a mouth. There were no mouths. It was just teeth, glowing and hidden, ready to _bite_.

Then, the moment passed. In a blink of an eye, although Honeydew didn't blink, the swarm broke eye contact and drifted away.

Honeydew started breathing once more.

‘...Honeydew?’

‘I'm fine,’ Honeydew said, far too quickly.

‘You're shivering,’ Nano said. She sounded concerned.

‘I just had an entire _fucking taint swarm_ look like it wanted to take a bite out of me for at _least_ five minutes, I think I'm allowed to be just a _bit_ rattled,’ Honeydew said in a very quick, very hoarse, whisper. He swallowed, glanced into the open air behind them for more swarms, and then continued to climb.

He couldn't stop shaking.

Fifteen metres later they paused for Nano to check the window.

‘I _think_ I can see in there,’ Nano said doubtfully.

‘You said that five minutes ago,’ Honeydew teased.

‘Shut up,’ Nano said with a laugh.

Under Honeydew, Nano started firing blue streaks of light towards the window. The first dozen or so shots failed, judging by the angry mutters.

Then Nano's tone brightened. ‘Got it!’ she cheered. As she did, a matching shout came from below.

Honeydew grinned. ‘Thank gods you had that thing,’ he said.

‘Yeah, I'm amazing. Bow down, mortal.’

‘Can't right now, too bad.’

‘Aw, how am I meant to gather an army of subservient souls when they can't bow to me?’

‘Go to a two-nugget store?’

‘Those places are massive liars. They _say_ their stuff is only two nuggets, but it's _always_ twenty or thirty for anything decent. Enslaved souls would probably be... how much would you say?

‘An entire _block_ of diamond.’

‘Can't afford that for one measly soul.’

There was a brief spot of silence.

Honeydew glanced down at Nano, who had her mouth clamped shut. ‘Is this really something we should chat about when we're sitting on a wall, in a death castle, in a taint biome?’ he said dryly.

Nano moved to reply, then stopped and smiled weakly.

There was a clatter out across the open air.

‘We're in!’ Lalna’s voice called from the window. Honeydew turned, checking again that his footholds were steady, and glanced Lalna’s way. The scientist pointed towards the wall. ‘You going to climb down?’

‘Is Xephos and _Sjin_ in?’ Nano yelled.

Lalna looked behind him. ‘Yup. Xeph’s trying to spot ways to climb up from in here and Sjin’s... still unconscious.’

‘Right... stay clear of the portal!’ Nano said. She twisted in place and gave the wall a considering glance.

‘...Please tell me the wall isn't portalable...’ Honeydew groaned. ‘If we could have just skipped all of that climbing....’

‘No, I've got an idea,’ Nano said. She waved the gun at a bit of wall next to her. ‘You've still got your mining laser, yeah?’

Honeydew raised his eyebrows and waited for Nano to continue.

‘This bit of wall here....’ Nano shot an orange light at the wall. It burst against it like a glowing water balloon, but no portal appeared. ‘It's _almost_ good, there's just a few bits of stone cutting through it. If you get rid of them--’

‘Which bits do I need to shoot?’ Honeydew said.

Nano fired the portal gun a few times, each shot sparking against a different rock. ‘And a few more. It needs to be as smooth as we can make it.’

Honeydew carefully turned his mining laser towards the wall, judging the distances. ‘Could you move away, about a few steps to your left?’ he said.

Nano quickly obliged.

On the mining laser’s lowest setting, Honeydew chipped away at the wall. It was slow work, but it definitely was quicker than trying to climb back down the cliff. Only a few minutes passed before Nano stopped pointing out spots to remove.

_Fooswh._

And just like that, right beside Nano was a hole in space, surrounded in an orange ring. She shifted across, hooked a hand beside the portal, and pulled herself in.

Only once Nano was through did Honeydew start inching his way down. Left hand, right hand, left foot, right foot, down and down, left han--

The rock under Honeydew's left foot snapped and he felt himself drop.

‘Fuck!’

The portal whipped past him. A blur of orange light streaked past and Honeydew snatched blindly. He felt the edge of the portal at his palms and he grabbed on. The rest of him kept falling. Gravity yanked first at his shoulders then at his fingers-- _fuck why is the portal **sharp?!**_ \--and finally his legs. They swung forward, and where the stone had been useful with its mismatched edges instead was rough sandpaper that tore at his skin.

It was reflex that made Honeydew let go of the edge of the portal. He had felt the edge start cutting into the base of his digits. Gravity wanted to saw them off, and he let go, yelping as he tried to take back the reaction.

Hands latched onto Honeydew's wrists.

‘Got him, oh f-- Why do you do this?!’ Xephos grunted.

‘Not on purpose,’ Honeydew wheezed. He quickly found spots for his feet.

‘ _Not on purpose_. You ass, don't do that again.’

Honeydew carefully, with twice the caution, stepped back up to the portal. It wasn't disorientating to go through like when they had plummeted into it in the plane. Probably because their sense of gravity wasn't being flung every which way. Once Honeydew was up and examining his bleeding hands, Xephos was hovering like a mother hen.

‘Don't do that again,’ Xephos repeated, tone vehement.

Honeydew gave Xephos a strained grin, then dropped his gaze back to his fingers. He could still _move_ them....

'Are you ok?’ Nano said quietly.

Honeydew flexed his fingers, noting the sting of pain. ‘It hurts a shit ton, but I think I let go before it cut anything important.’

‘It needs some kind of buffer around the edge of the portal,’ Lalna said thoughtfully. ‘Or something that makes sure there's some thickness in the portal instead of a thin point all the way around.’

Lalna had crossed to the other side of the room they were in. No, wait, that was the window he had been talking to them through. Ok. Maybe the portal was still disorientating. Nevertheless, it was a pretty shit room it had taken them to. The room was as crumbly as the rest of the castle, complete with traces of taint bubbling on the walls and floor. Honeydew quickly looked down and breathed a sigh of relief at the relatively solid, taint-free floor at his feet.

A ripping sound interrupted Honeydew’s thoughts, and he accepted the strip of shirt fabric from Xephos.

‘Which way now?’ Honeydew said, tearing the strip in half.

Xephos looked towards Lalna. Their friend was peering out the window. Every few seconds he would turn his head to look at the portal indoors. Xephos switched his gaze to Nano.

Nano pointed up. ‘Fifth floor,’ she said. ‘We're only on the second right now.’

‘There's still no stairs,’ Xephos said.

Honeydew finished bandaging on of his hands. ‘Do we need to start climbing _again,’_ he whined.

With a scowl that sent taint curling on her face, Nano shook her head. ‘No, we are _not_ doing more climbing.’

A quick burst of laser fire caused Honeydew to jump and almost drop the make-shift, grimy-as-fuck bandage. Lalna stepped back from the window, mining laser raised and ready to fire again.

‘Taint’s getting impatient,’ Lalna said. ‘And there isn't an elevator here either.’

Nano chimed in. ‘That won't be a problem,’ she said. ‘Just give me a minute.’

With that Nano fired up through a hole in the roof, then ducked back through the portal. The portal vanished behind her.

The three remaining heard running footsteps and a few more _fwooshes_. Xephos and Lalna exchanged uneasy looks, and Honeydew finished bandaging his hands.

A few more footsteps sounded. Then a burst of orange light smacked against the wall beside Honeydew. He certainly did not jump, let alone in fright. Nano appeared again, dropping down through the hole in the roof.

‘Ta da!’ she chirped.

Lalna had virtually teleported to the orange portal, his face split into a wide grin. ‘Everything's still here,’ he said. Nano stepped in after him.

Honeydew picked Sjin back up ( _still breathing_ ) and stepped forward to three floors above him and into the computer lab. It could have been only Honeydew’s imagination, but his sense of “down,” seemed to shift.

The computers looked similar to the ones Lalna had set up at Hole Diggers, all filled with multihued cords that joined arrays of black boxes with barely a pattern between them.

'It would have been a right mess if the taint had eaten it,’ Honeydew said, putting Sjin and the lab coat down beside the computer. Or was it compu _ters_? There was only one monitor....

A soft clicking and hissing came from the distance.

‘Taint’s slower to affect non-organic material,’ Lalna said absently. He had pulled up the monitor. ‘Right, passwords....’

‘Oh _shi_ \--’

There was a sharp _bang_ , followed by a burst of laser fire behind Honeydew.

Swarm’s back!’ Xephos yelled. ‘Brought mobs!!’

Honeydew didn't bother turning around to check. He drew his mining laser forward and faced Lalna and Nano.

‘Lalna, get the information as fast as you can. Nano, close the portal behind me when I've gone through and guard him and Sjin.’

Nano had already drawn her bazooka.

‘The _second_ Lalna’s done, you jump down to get us.’

‘Got it,’ Nano said. Lalna didn't respond, eyes locked onto the monitor.

Honeydew turned on his heel, dove through the portal, and shot a zombie off Xephos. Behind Honeydew the portal silently closed. _Good, we don't need to guard another hole._ Honeydew quickly started taking out the mobs forcing their way through the gaps in the floor, while Xephos in turn fired at those trying to crawl up to the upper floors.

A spider then leaped out of nowhere, and Honeydew had a lot more to worry about.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that took a while. Sorry, exams and Christmas swallowed my time. Currently I don't have any buffer chapters written either, so there will probably be a delay between chapters again. Thank you all for being so patient, and do have a happy new year.
> 
> (16/12/2017) I removed the post from (05/03/2017) because it is almost irrelevant. Don't mind me, just getting ready to publish all the extra chapters and story notes.


	9. Artemis Agrotera

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is chapter 1 of 6 published today (19/12/2017).

The walls quivered from the battle below. Dust which had remained untouched for years were dislodged from every corner. Archways crumbled. They dropped loose pebbles onto the shaking floor, and the pebbles then bounced across it like a physics-defying game of skimming stones. Cables and cracks spooled like a web in the main computer lab, where Lalna cursed and swore at a dim monitor. Below came the cries of Xephos and Honeydew, raised in anger, alongside the discharge of lasers and the screeches of tainted creatures.

Most of what existed in the fifth floor had long since rusted or been stolen away. It was a small miracle that the computers were still there. That may have been due to the hard drives being bolted to the stone floor and the wires being clamped beside them, but that was beyond the point. The other rooms were empty, save for dust, stone, and the occasional window.

One such window captured a magnificent view of the broken land beyond the castle. It gazed on rolling hills and sudden cliffs. It gazed on the army of taint that staggered from underground. It gazed on a shattered orb of glass. And the orb gazed back to the window.

Which was where Nano stood, transfixed by the view only she could see.

* * *

Sjin’s skin felt like needles. Each drew blood in a rush. His blood. Every bit of him was tender. At any second Sjin could lose just enough blood for his circulatory system to shut down. Each point was a flame. An icy, painful flame that burnt and itched all at once.

The moment Sjin registered this sensation he plunged into awareness, yelped, and swatted at his arms.

These motions shoved the needles deeper into Sjin’s bones, grazing the marrow. As agony flared, Sjin froze as fast as someone caught in a basilisk's gaze. He was trapped between the urge to move and the urge to stop the cold, sucking, sharp sensation. So Sjin became ice, fragile and motionless. He was trapped with an excellent view of his shaking arms.

Someone had rolled up the sleeves of Sjin’s cloak. Where he'd expected to see needles sucking him dry, he instead saw small purple pockmarks. Sjin felt cold.

Swarm bites.

_Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit oh shit--_

With more blood-drawing sensations, some spots leached out of Sjin’s skin and into the air. There it mingled with the faintly tainted air and Sjin lost sight of it.

_Oh shit shit shit! Where's my wand I need a blasting spell now or sooner--_

Sjin caught his sanity halfway through drawing his wand. Blowing up his arms was _not_ the solution, no matter how fucked he was. Sjin shivered, eyes locked onto the bites. It was almost impossible to avert his eyes. Sjin tugged his sleeves back down over them and closely examined the fabric of his cloak, trying to ignore the feeling of more spots peeling away.

He did not succeed.

A distant explosion startled Sjin out of his fearful stare, and he looked up. He jerked his head back, his gaze filled with what looked like a metalic black box. Glancing around reveal that yes, he was surrounded by the things. Blinking did not make them go away, nor did blindly kicking the one beside Sjin’s face.

_Thud._

The sound of shoe hitting the metal seemed buried in the tainted air. Sjin scowled. Taint was _rubbish_. Everything sounded muffled unless you were right next to someone or shouting at the top of your lungs. Which quite a few people seemed to have been doing. Honeydew and Xephos’s voices called out far below Sjin, someone was singing, Lalna sounded like he was panicking, and all of this was covered by the dull roar of machines and the hum of the taint.

Wait. Why was Lalna panicking?

Another _thud_ echoed out, but this one wasn't from Sjin’s actions. Still shaking from how his skin crawled, Sjin stood and looked over the array of metal. He was just in time to see Lalna kick at a different hard drive.

As Sjin made his way out from the machinery, he heard Lalna ranting.

‘...can't even pull out the memory stick now or it'll explode! Who the hell _made_ this stupid-- well, I did. _Fuck_ you, me,’ Lalna snarled. He kicked the computer again and buried his face in his hands, muffling a short scream.

‘Lalna?’ Sjin said.

Lalna didn't look up. He vaguely waved Sjin’s way. ‘Green, still,’ he said.

‘Green,’ Sjin repeated. He stopped next to Lalna. ‘That's um... Hole Diggers, right?’

Lalna nodded, then dropped his hands and kicked the computer again. It was odd to see Lalna in robes at a computer terminal. From the look of the angry red screen, things were not going well.

‘Where's everyone else?’ Sjin asked.

The floor shook beneath them.

‘Xeph and Honeydew are a few floors down, keeping the mobs from climbing up here. Nano’s somewhere on this floor doing the same,’ Lalna said. He ran his hand through his hair and shot a glare at the computer terminal. ‘I just, fuck, can you go find her? Her Lalna’s changed the passwords at some point, and if I'm not careful with it all the data will disappear on us.’

‘Wh-- you can't get in?’

‘No!’ Lalna looked like a cadet that forgot to make his bed. ‘I don't know why he'd bother, but they're _different_. Just go find her, alright?’

‘Can't you just hack it?’

Lalna did not looked pleased with Sjin’s helpful suggestion. ‘If I could think of any way to break in that I hadn't already patched, sure! Just go find Nano before this explodes. Sort of.’

Sjin hesitated. ‘It's going to explode?’

With a frustrated growl of, ‘For gods’ _sake_ ,’ and a quick button pushing at the terminal, Lalna turned and ran from the room.

‘What are you doing! You can't run off if that thing's going to explode!’ Sjin yelled after Lalna. He quickly ran after the other.

Lalna paused for a second at what remained of a door, looking frantically at the room inside.

‘Lalna,’ Sjin said, making to stop beside him. ‘ _Explode?_ ’

‘It won't blow up, it's stable,’ Lalna said in a sharp tone, then turned and ran back to another door.

Sjin jumped over a bit of collapsed ceiling, but kept up with Lalna. When Lalna stopped running again, Sjin spoke. ‘Lalna--’

‘If you're not going to help look, just go to the computer and keep hitting “yes,” to vent. Or “no,” if it asks you if you want to detonate. It doesn't do shit, but it'll make you feel like you're helping,’ Lalna snapped.

‘Can't you hear--’

Lalna took off again, this time ducking under a large rock into a room missing half a wall. A frustrated shout of, ‘Nano! Where the hell are you!’ reached Sjin, and Lalna reappeared.

Before Lalna could run off into yet another random direction, Sjin caught his arm. ‘ _Listen_ ,’ Sjin said urgently.

Lalna scowled. ‘What?’

Sjin pointed across the main room. ‘She's that way,’ he said, tone clipped around the edges.

‘How do you--’

‘Use your ears, Lalna! You've--’

Lalna’s hand reached up and planted itself squarely onto Sjin’s mouth, effectively gagging him. The sudden silence that followed let the faint music carry across the stone.

_‘In the dark blue sky you keep, and often through my curtains peep....’_

‘...That's not good,’ Lalna said.

Sjin swatted Lalna’s arm away. ‘You’re welcome,’ he said sharply.

‘Thanks,’ Lalna added, then ran the way the voice was coming from. He glanced and nodded at the monitor as he went past, then disappeared out the doorway.

 _This is a bad idea,_ Sjin thought. _She might attack us along with the taint, for all we know. She's killed innocents before...._

Sjin drew his wand as he followed Lalna, turned the corner, and smacked straight into him. Lalna stood stock still, expression pinched in worry. He didn't seem to notice how Sjin had taken an elbow to the face.

Rubbing his nose, Sjin looked past Lalna.

And there, sat on the windowsill, was Nano. Unlike Lalna, her expression was completely blank, which in itself was disturbing. Her legs hung out over the empty air, eyes fixed to the taint fog, unheeding of the fact there were several hundred or some tainted _things_ below them. At least, from the number of lasers being fired Sjin figured that there were that many. It wasn't like he was going to go up to Nano and try looking down into the fog to count them, not while she was _next_ to him and perfectly able to lash out.

Sjin dearly wanted to rush forward and shove her clear off the tower. The thought was only present for a moment but it made a strange sort of sense, in a dark way. If Nano were dead, the mad thought claimed, she couldn't harm anyone else in any biome. Others, like those lesser dwarfs, would not be killed. She wouldn't be around to clamour for “her,” Lalna’s life. Nor would she be around to spread her taint and be a threat to the general well being of the land. It was a _good_ option, the thought claimed to be.

The moment passed, and Sjin grimaced. Even if she was a murderer, Nano deserved a trial. In memory of that young girl on his farm, at the very least.

‘Not again, _no_ ,’ Lalna muttered. His voice sounded like he was losing air. ‘We need her for the passwords--’

‘She's not going to be any use like this,’ Sjin said, thoughts racing. ‘She was like this on the plane, wasn’t she?’

‘We got her out of it though. Not sure how, but we did.’ Lalna took a step towards Nano, who didn't react. ‘What's that song?’ he asked warily.

Sjin listened. By some miracle, no taint had appeared. Maybe Nano’s presence kept them away.

 _‘Twinkle, twinkle, little star..._ ’ Nano sang. Her tone sounded strange. It was dead, with barely a hint of the variation commonplace in most songs.

‘Don't know. Doesn't help us either way,’ Sjin said bluntly.

Lalna shot a glare Sjin’s way. It wasn't like the glare Nano’s Lalna was fond of shooting Sjin’s way. It was softer. Yet it was a far cry from _his_ Lalna’s expressions.

Sjin shrugged. ‘What do you think we should do?’ he said. It never hurt to ask the civilians for ideas, unless the civilians were evil. Which _this_ Lalna still could be, but that was besides the point.

The other was silent. The floor rumbled, in time with Honeydew yelping in surprise.

‘Fuck it,’ Lalna said. He strode forward.

Sjin hung back, wand at the ready for any unpleasant surprises. ‘Careful,’ he said, more out of habit than real worry.

The absence of a friendly reply stung a lot more than it should.

‘Nano...?’ Lalna said quietly. He was only a few feet behind the girl. ‘Can you hear me?’

No response.

Lalna took another step forward. ‘I'm going to pull you down, alright? Don't uh, don't throw me out the window or anything when I do, ok?’

‘Don't give the tainted girl ideas. And don't touch the taint either.’ Sjin added the last few words quickly as Lalna reached up.

There was a pause as Lalna shifted where he was reaching towards, then he grabbed hold of Nano’s shoulder.

No response. Nano did not stiffen, or stop singing, or suddenly turn with a face full of teeth and take a bite out of Lalna. Sjin still held his breath, not daring to relax. 

Lalna carefully reached around and wrapped an arm around Nano’s waist, then paused. As Nano did not react he slowly pulled her backwards, off the windowsill, and onto the relatively stable castle floor.

‘We good?’ Lalna asked.

‘She hasn't tried to kill us yet, so maybe,’ Sjin said.

Lalna gave Sjin a confused look. ‘Yet?’ he repeated.

Sjin fought against the urge to yell, _don't take your eyes off her_ , and instead said, ‘Just wake her up.’

Obligingly Lalna looked down. ‘Come on, Nano,’ he said. Hesitantly he snapped his fingers between her unseeing eyes. 'Stop uh, stop singing and help us out, yeah?’

Nano remained blankly staring upwards, still mumbling strange songs, and stayed like that for a good minute before Sjin inwardly called it.

‘...We can't sit here and hope she stops that,’ Sjin said. ‘We need a new plan. What _was_ the plan anyway?’

‘Get in, get stuff, get out,’ Lalna said succinctly.

‘Great. Did you even think of a meeting place, or a way to get out without the _Spruce Moose_?’

Lalna’s eyes darted down to Nano, then back up to Sjin. ‘We agreed to meet at PandaLabs,’ he began.

‘Well that's a start. Don't worry,’ Sjin said as Lalna opened his mouth. ‘I can teleport us back to the Magic Police. I won't be conscious for long after carrying all five of us back, but it's better than walking.’

Lalna closed his mouth. ‘Yeah, um. We can do that,’ he said.

‘Right.’ Sjin clapped his hands together and turned, heading straight for the computer. ‘Is there any other way we can move this?’

Footsteps behind Sjin let him know Lalna had followed. Sjin pushed at a box, judging the weight. It was surprisingly light. Maybe, if there were few enough, he could try teleporting them as well.

‘We can't move the computer itself,’ Lalna said. ‘Too many wires and screws to remove, plus removing the power will wipe the systems.’

Sparing a second to think, _why would you make it like this argh_ , Sjin started counting the boxes. Teleportation looked doable. ‘Where's the power?’

‘The basement,’ Lalna said flatly.

‘Oh.’ Sjin stopped counting. Teleporting something from _that_ distance would probably kill him. ‘How the hell is this still working!?’

‘I did build this castle. All the wires were put in the most stable parts. If you hear wires break, chances are the tower’s about to fall to bits.’ Lalna grinned. ‘Lucky the creepers haven't blown them up yet.’

All of a sudden, the floor seemed a lot less stable. It never _had_ seemed stable, but now Sjin felt a lot more like he was about to fall to his death at any point.

‘I-is there any other way to get the stuff out?’ Sjin said.

Lalna shook his head. ‘We need the password to get in, and the more times you get it wrong the more _stuff_ it puts on the screen to mess with you.’

‘Don't you have some kind of failsafe in case you forgot the password?’

‘Yeah, another password that was _also_ changed.’ Lalna looked up from where he'd placed Nano and caught Sjin’s gaze. ‘Basically... we're screwed.’

‘No, we aren't! We just have to... um....’ Sjin’s gaze found the ceiling and he tried to imagine possibilities.

Lalna’s gaze on the other hand dropped down to Nano. He gave her an odd look, one that Sjin couldn't decipher, then stood.

‘Do you... do you have a spell to knock people out?’ Lalna said slowly.

Sjin looked down to Nano as well. ‘Knocking her out would probably make things worse. And I don't have reviving people in my repertoire, so we'd be stuck waiting for her for a bit.’

Lalna snorted. There was a touch of worry in his voice. ‘No, we aren't spelling her.’

‘Why not? It might buy us some time in case she _does_ try to kill us.’

‘I don't think she will....’ Lalna swallowed, still wearing that odd expression. ‘I... I need you to shoot me.’

Sjin’s thoughts stalled.

 _You need me to_ **_what?_ **

Then Sjin’s thoughts jumped back into gear, and there was that nasty bit of cold logic that advocated pushing Nano off the tower. _All the other times Lalna’s been knocked out, he swapped personality,_ it said. _And “Green,” is useless right now. If_ **_my_ ** _Lalna shows up, we'll have another that's able to fight off the taint while we wait for Nano to wake up. And if it's Nano’s, they can get the data easily_. _This is_ **_smart_ ** _._

But Lalna had been forced unconscious far too many times within the past twenty-four hours. And it had been directly because _o_ _f Sjin_ twice. It couldn't be healthy to do it again.

It clicked then that Lalna’s expression held dread. ‘Look, we're screwed if I stay here, and the other two can get shit done!’

‘...Yeah,’ Sjin muttered. He fiddled with his wand, trying to think of a different option.

There was desperation in Lalna’s voice now. ‘ _Sjin_ , come on!’

‘I...’ Sjin began.

‘For fuck’s sake, _you have to shoot me_. You and _your_ version of me can have a nice little chat _later_ , when there isn't taint every--!’

Something in Lalna’s voice made Sjin move. His arm flicked up and planted the wand dead against Lalna’s neck. A flash of fear crossed Lalna’s face. The expression hardened away right after, but not quick enough to escape Sjin’s notice. Lalna’s sentence stuttered to a halt.

‘Are you....’ Sjin swallowed. His throat felt thicker than usual, his voice colder. ‘Are you _absolutely_ sure you want me to do this?’

Lalna didn't flinch. ‘We don’t have time--’ he said.

‘Honeydew and Xephos can handle themselves for a second, you've got long enough to decide if you're sure!’

‘I'm sure! Just hurry the fuck up!’

‘Well I'm bloody well not, this is a _really_ bad idea!’

‘I spent fifteen minutes trying to guess passwords and guess what? Nothing worked! We don't have any other options!’ Both of their voices were approaching full blown hysteria.

Sjin started to focus. ‘Fine, I'm going to, just give me a second--’

‘For gods’ _sake_ , Sjin! We _need_ _to_ \--’

White light cut Lalna’s sentence into pieces. If another had been looking in at Lalna and Sjin, they would have blinked involuntarily at the brightness. Sjin did. Lalna may have too. But then he was pitching backwards and Sjin dived to catch Lalna before he could flatten Nano.

Sjin carefully lowered Lalna to the ground, found the nearest wall, leant back against it, and tried not to shiver.

‘Oh shit, oh _gods_ , how the hell can I explain if it's _Nano’s_ , shit...’ Sjin said. His head fell back against the stone wall. He could feel the castle shivering, unstable under his hands, feet, and skull. It was just like his emotional state.

Sjin tried to breathe. _It's going to be fine,_ he lied to himself. _Lalna’s gonna wake up, then we'll air sled and find Honeydew and Xephos, we'll make a plan to move everything to headquarters. They probably have some things in their spaceship we can use to keep everything powered. We just need to get those, and also wake Nano up without her trying to kill any of u--_

An arrow shot pass Sjin’s face and buried itself in the middle of the computers. Sjin did _not_ yelp and fall over, nor did he stare in shock as purple tendrils began growing from the arrow. He certainly, definitely, did _not_ do any of that.

Sjin clambered back to his feet just in time to dodge another arrow.

A soft chitter like a nest of spiders oozed from the nearest window, and Sjin glimpsed a huge purple and black wall of hair crawl past. When the spider appeared, skeleton on its back, a shaft of white light sent them screaming all the way to the ground.

Sjin ran to the window and looked down, grabbing the sill for balance. Below, he could already faintly spot several more skeletons and other mobs hitching rides on the spiders. Most were forcing their way into the second floor, but some kept climbing. Towards the fifth floor. One of the skeletons drew back an arrow and found itself catching a _Chillibeam_ to the vertebrae.

‘That is _not_ good,’ Sjin muttered. He already had his air sled pulled out. Priorities snapped and changed direction. He could count three spiders heading up to where he was, and that was just on the side of the tower _he_ could see. There were probably more on the other side, and more hidden by the fog.

_And if they got up here, they must have reached Xephos and Honeydew...!_

Sparing only a minute to ensure the fifth floor was clear, Sjin leapt into the air. In seconds white magic was throwing mobs off the tower, and Sjin began searching for his other friends.

* * *

 

Lalna lay, unmoving, on the dusty stone. He barely twitched as mob screams filled his ears, nor did he move when Honeydew started hollering at the top of his lungs. Around him there were cracks and cables, spooling to every corner of the room. The way they spun made it look as if Lalna was tied to the floor, or had many strings embedded in his limbs. They were eerily lit by the single computer monitor. Below the floor shook under the weight of mobs, magic, and machines.

The panicked voices of Sjin, Xephos, and Honeydew all wound together in jumbled cries. Yet the fog and the swarms of taint were silent. The swarms were all around the tower, but did not approach. Mobs of every kind -- creeper, zombie, skeleton -- these were already present and consuming the tower. The swarms did not need to dirty their hands, so to speak. Spiders crawled up and down the tower, depositing the taint’s forces along every floor unless white light or green lasers threw them down.

Lying where she was left, Nano still was. Her mouth still was whispering strange words. They were as soft as a wind, a wind that taunted those who walked alone with the idea of foe's concealed just out of sight. But they were loud enough to be heard by Lalna.

_‘...how I wonder what you are....’_

Like lightning had arced in his heart, Lalna’s eyes snapped open. Alertness struck him like a hammer, adrenalyn belatedly beating as Lalna woke. In a stumble of limbs Lalna sprang upright. The thick robes Lalna wore and the cables by his feet caught and toppled him. He landed against the computers, grasping for a support.

‘That _little_ ...’ Lalna snarled, picking himself back up. ‘Fuck! Should have shot his stupid face. Not sure where exactly I'd get a gun, but as soon as I found one I'd have shot him. Maybe in the leg, then _both_ his other limbs, and then I'd have aimed _square_ at his nose and said, “that's what you fucking get for saying shit about Nan--” where am I?’

Another explosion wracked the building as Lalna looked around at the stone walls and black computer array.

'The castle? Why the fuck are we _h_ \-- oh no.’

Lalna’s gaze had landed on Nano. Another rumble shook the floor, and when it was over Lalna had ran across the room and dropped to Nano’s side.

‘No no no no, don't be dead, Nano please...!’

Hands shaking, Lalna tugged Nano’s limp form onto his lap. The fact that she was singing registered then, along with relief that she was still breathing. And worry over how she was singing. And worry in general, really.

‘How long have you been lying here?’ Lalna said. Moving automatically Lalna clapped a hand over Nano’s eyes. When there was no immediate change, Lalna started snapping his fingers by her ear.

‘Nano? Come on, Nano, wakey wakey. Please. I know you like this creepy song, but I'd like it not to be sung, yeah?’ Lalna said worriedly.

Slow as a glacier, Nano’s singing trailed off. The words faded into a quiet humming sound. She didn't need to sing though. Lalna had heard those words enough times to know them by heart. This did mean he knew the timing of the song. In turn, the beat between Lalna’s fingersnaps varied in a random rhythm a far cry from the damn tainted tune.

Eventually even the humming came to a stop. It slowed and faded, leaving just a little girl.

‘You back, Nano?’ Lalna said, tone soft. ‘Um. Say something. If you are back. Please.’

Nano groaned and shifted on Lalna’s lap.

 _That's a_ **_great_ ** _sign,_  Lalna thought. He wasn't quite sure if he was being sarcastic or serious. At least it hadn't been a tuneful groan. Lalna eyed the crumbled stone walls and the familiar fogged air. And the computers.

‘You have any idea what the hell we're doing here?’ Lalna quietly asked. He jostled Nano. ‘I swear, I thought those guys were smart enough to _not_ go to the winner of the most-likely-to-kill-you location award. And I thought we agreed not to come back here. Unless they were the ones who dragged you here. If they did, their base will have a few surprises later.’

There was yet another _BANG_ , this one directly below. Lalna heard what sounded like Xephos repeating the word “ _shit_ ,” over and over in a pained tone of voice.

Lalna gave Nano’s forehead a tap. ‘Come one, Nano. You need to wake up so we can get the fuck away from these guys, before they get us killed.’

 _Or I turn evil and try to kill you_. Lalna swallowed in discomfort.

‘Seriously, this is starting to scare me now. Please wake up, or do I need to hum stuff in three-four? Cause I'm not singing in it. I mean, you sing a lot but I _really_ don't want to sing in here. Unless that would make you wake up. I'm fine with singing if it makes you wake up so please--’

Lalna felt eyelashes brush against the palm of his hand. The relief was like an ent stopped sitting on Lalna’s chest. Quickly he drew his hand back from Nano’s face and smiled. ‘You sca--’

Nano interrupted him with a fist in his stomach. While Lalna reeled and fell flat on the ground she dived away, used the nearby wall to help leap upright, and had the miniature machine gun pointed at Lalna’s nose within another second.

Still sprawled on the stone floor, Lalna grinned up to her. ‘Nice to see you too,’ he said. He didn't bother sitting up.

‘Who killed Tiddles?!’ Nano demanded.

His expression turned into the definition of a guilt-ridden grin. ‘The lava,’ Lalna said innocently.

The gun didn't move. ‘Who watches the watchmen?’

‘Sam Vines.’ Lalna shifted into a crouch, the stupid robe catching at his elbows. ‘I'm me, Nano. What's going on?’

Nano’s expression tightened. ‘...My Lalna?’ she said.

‘Yeah. How long have I-- oof!’

It was only a quick hug, then Nano helped Lalna stand. Lalna gingerly rubbed his stomach, trying not to seem in too much pain. It was going to become a large bruise.

Nano soon tugged Lalna over to the computers. ‘We came up here to get all your old records, to try find out when the other ones started um, existing,’ Nano said quickly. ‘Once we have it, we're meant to meet at PandaLabs.’

‘What moron suggested this plan?’ Lalna growled. He grabbed the monitor, noted a memory stick was already in the machine, and logged on. ‘They could have gotten everyone killed!’

Nano looked like a kid who had been caught messing with their parent’s generators. ‘Me,’ she said.

Lalna immediately discarded his strategic plotting to wipe Sjin’s farm off the map. Well, maybe he didn't discard it completely. It had still been an _efficient_ plan, and judging by Sjin’s track record it was a plan that might need to be put into action anyway.

Out loud Lalna said, ‘W-what? You serious? Nano, you _know_ what this place does to you!’

Nano visibly shifted into a stubborn stance. ‘Yes, I'm serious. The other option was staying at the “Magic _Police_ ,” even longer and not doing anything to get rid of those guys. Now how come you’re here? Not that I'm not happy seeing your stupid face be _your_ stupid face, but I thought you only switched around when you were unconscious.’

Lalna shrugged dismissively. ‘They may have been electrocuted. Which was it?’

‘Xephos and Honeydew’s.’

‘That one was Green, right? He didn't try to hurt you?’

‘No, that one’s fine. It's _Sjin’s_ one that's the jerk. He hasn't shown up yet.’

‘Of course it was Sjin’s who had to be the evil personality.’ Lalna drummed his fingers against the keypad, watching as the files were transferred. ‘How are we getting out of here?’

‘We were going to use portals,’ Nano said. She glanced off towards the mess of computers, then looked nervous. ‘Uh oh.’

Lalna followed her gaze. The only things there were more coloured cables, more hard drives, more wires, and--

‘Oh, my lab coat! What's that doing there?’

‘I grabbed it at PandaLabs when I thought... um. T-that’s not really, not really important. Sjin’s gone,’ Nano said. She looked scared.

‘I think I heard him shouting outside, yeah.’

‘No, oh no no....’ Nano _definitely_ looked scared. Lalna started reviewing the blow-Sjin-off-map plan again. ‘He's meant to be knocked out...!’

‘...Why?’

‘The swarm bit him when we were on our way here.’

‘No, why's he meant to be knocked out? Is it cause he's a pain?’

Nano wrung her hands. ‘Because, because if he's awake, I have to let him know about the portal gun! Which’ll mean that _jerk_ will know about it, and then, and then I can't escape out of Asskabang and I'll be _stuck_ there.’

‘Ohhhh. Wait, hold on,’ Lalna said, a thought striking him. ‘If you don't want Sjin to know about the portals, what's stopping you going out the way you got here?’

Nano looked confused. ‘Oh, you weren't... we got here in Sjin’s plane, and he crashed it way over there.’ She gestured vaguely towards a wall.

‘Ah.’ Lalna stepped back from the computer and folded his hands behind his head. ‘Well, then we should start shipping everyone off through them. This'll be done soon. Not sure how soon since some files are bigger than others, but it's moving pretty quick.’

‘I'll give Sjin a shout then. Those two _better_ help break me out if Sjin tries to put me in Asskabang again....’ The last portion of Nano’s sentence was muttered darkly as she headed towards another room.

After a concerned glance to where Nano had laid earlier, Lalna hurried to follow.

Out the window, Lalna could only see shapes. Directly below were dark blots shifting through the fog and vanishing through gaps in the tower. Green laser light appeared every now and then.

‘Can you see them?’ Lalna said. He found himself reaching for his goggles, before remembering they would be back at PandaLabs.

‘I know Honeydew and Xephos are on the second floor...’ Nano said slowly. She leant over the side of the window, hair hanging loose.

‘What about Sji--?’

A sudden shout to their left answered that question.

Before Lalna could try find Sjin in the fog where the shout had been, Nano had already raised her gun.

‘Fly down!’ Nano yelled. A patch of darkness abruptly dropped, and the place where it had been was filled with bullets. An inhuman scream blared in the fog.

And then, just like that, there was Sjin. He was floating in the air, shaking what looked like spider guts off of his leg, but it was him. ‘Thanks,’ he said.

‘Sjin, we're almost done here. Tell Honeydew and Xephos to get ready to leave,’ Lalna said.

Sjin nodded. ‘Good, I've got a teleport to headquarters ready to go, we just need to all be in the same place--’

‘You can teleport?!’

Abruptly, Sjin’s face turned stony. ‘Yes, I can.’

Lalna’s thoughts were a tornado on its last breath, battered and bruised but still churning.

_Sjin doesn't need to know._

With a glance at Nano, Lalna cupped his hands around his mouth. ‘Go teleport the others!’ he yelled to an already-departing Sjin. ‘We'll meet you at PandaLabs!’

Although it was almost impossible to fall over while flying, Sjin made a good attempt at it.

‘W-what?! But you--!’

‘Me and Nano’ll meet you, now _get going!_ ’

‘But the mobs--’

‘Just get the others _out_ , we'll be fine!’

Another _BANG_ struck the air. A yell of pain -- this one human -- reached them. Sjin’s eyes darted down, then he nodded and shot towards the second floor.

Lalna waited one moment to check Sjin was actually going, and then twisted and sprinted for the computer. He registered the phrase “ _D_ _ownload Complete_ ,” then reached down to grab the memory stick. His hand was a few centimetres away when a sound like stone grinding and wires snapping, a sound that he _really_ did not want to hear, made him look up.

He saw fangs and legs.

‘Argh! Gerroff, get off get off get off!!’ Lalna was bowled backwards as the spider leapt. Short and sharp hair was everywhere along the spider’s body, and the heavy _thing_ poured heat as it made an attempt at ripping Lalna’s neck from his spine.

Lalna hit the stone hard and rolled, the spider screeching and letting go as Lalna smacked into the wall. The building shook. This shake didn't feel like the ones from before.

The spider had landed almost beside Lalna, shaking its bulbous and bleeding head. It looked like it had burst its own tainted and pus-filled boils from the force of its jump. It didn't have time to recover. A rapid series of gunshots fired, the spider being torn to pieces so fast it evaporated.

‘Lalna?!’

‘Get the memory stick!’ he yelled, standing. In the back of Lalna’s mind, he quickly ran down the list of “ _Places where I feel pain_ ” Nothing life threatening stood out, although the fact that the building was still shaking certainly did. ‘We need to leave, _now_.’

Through the chinks in the floor, Lalna saw a brilliant and shockingly bright flash of white light. Something went _snick_ under him, and the entire tower lurched.

Nano, who had been running for the computers, was thrown off by the lurch and stumbled. It was enough to make her miss the memory stick when she reached down.

It didn't lurch enough for the second spider to miss Nano.

She squealed and swung her gun. Nano smacked it twice over the head before it latched itself to her arm. It hissed. It almost sounded proud. Both tumbled to the moving floor, Nano struggling to either wallop the thing or get it in front of her gun, the spider trying to keep Nano still long enough to bite down.

Lalna’s heartbeat was in his head. He snatched up the first thing he could find, which felt like a rock, and sprinted past the computers to his friend. He shouted something -- either _fuck off_ or a wordless scream, he didn't pay attention -- then aimed a kick at the thing and hit it dead on.

The tower was shifting.

The spider’s legs collected under it. They splayed apart again when Lalna stomped on it, digging his heel into its eyes. Then again. And again. And for good measure, Lalna drove the stone through its abdomen and stomped on _that_ too.

‘Where's the memory stick?’ Nano said. Lalna looked up and saw she was on her feet again. The ground was slanted now, and she had the portal gun out. ‘Lalna, where is it?!’

Lalna spun, eyes locking onto the computer. ‘It was right....’

There was a rumbling deep below them. Lalna ignored it, gaze spinning to every corner of the room. He was starting to slip on the tilted ground.

‘Lalna, we need to get out of here!’ Nano yelled. Her machine gun was gone, replaced by the portal gun. ‘If we can't find it now--’

‘There!’ On the edge of the computers, almost buried in the wires. One of them had to have knocked it loose when they ran past. The floor was hard to stay upright on now, and Lalna slid his way to the stick. ‘Nano--’

Around him, Lalna could see flashes of portal-shots bursting around him, failing to make a portal. He caught onto a bolted section of wires and clung on. His fingers ached immediately. The floor was now noticeably moving _down_ as well as tilting even further. It looked like it would only take a minute to be vertical. If the floor stayed in one piece long enough, that was.

A blue flash sped _down_ past Lalna’s shoulder. Above the rumbling and the crack of stone against stone and the clatter of the remaining machines, Lalna heard Nano scream, ‘Let go!’

Lalna let go.

The floor was like a slide, except it had so many ridges Lalna was shocked he didn't immediately tear the cloak apart. Parts of the floor that had been missing sailed under Lalna, coming apart in places and letting him have a view of the lower floors. These were quickly changing from floors to adjacent rooms.

Each second that passed meant the floor tilted further. The tower was well and truly falling now, falling quick enough that Lalna’s own journey down felt slower. The sheer amount of _noise_ that it must have been making would be tremendous, if Lalna could hear anything but a dull ringing and the echoes the taint allowed to reach him. Fog twisted, grit from both it and the tower itself caught in Lalna’s eyes. Involuntarily Lalna squinted. No, he _had_ to keep his eyes open, he _had_ to make sure he fell the right way. Lalna dearly missed his goggles.

In the darkness, there was a circle of light.

The darkness battered Lalna with stone, chunks the size of his torso narrowly missing his head. Instead they clipped at his arms, his legs, even Lalna’s neck. Wires too twisted in his way. They appeared as vines and tried to strangle him. One hunk got around his neck, only to snap from a rock that hit both the wire and Lalna’s cheek. He could taste blood, blood and dust.

But he had to fall. He had to fall _faster_ than the tower. As much as he could, Lalna tried to make himself into a pencil and _fall_ \--

Gravity abruptly changed directions.

Sound and heat hit Lalna as hard as a brick wall. The warmth was like a blanket, but compared to the cold he had woken in, it downright _hurt_ to enter. Same with the faint chirps of birds. Well, faint panicked screeches. Compared to the almost soundless castle, it hurt. Although, the loudest sound came from behind Lalna. As he shot from the portal the sound behind Lalna -- the grinding, banging, sliding, crumbling, and painful sounds of rock against rock against metal -- lost the muffling quality of the fog and _hit_ his ears like a screwdriver to his brain.

The sound skipped.

Lalna flew, gravity that had pulled him so fast downward now pulled backwards. A different down. His legs straight out, Lalna couldn't try slow himself down. He was virtually fired into the stairs and bounced down them, skin and cloak tearing. The sky spiraled around Lalna. The ground slapped him at least twice.

Abruptly he was stopped, his back cracking into what felt like fire. No, wait, that was just his ribcage. Ow. No. Not his ribcage. Felt more like lacerations than cracks and breaks. Fuck.

The sound of rumbling and death vanished. It was replaced by the birds. They flew past, uncertain, then returned to their perches and restarted their song. Warm sunlight was everywhere. It was midday.

Once again, Lalna was glad they made the portal gun all those months ago. Oh, and annoyed that he had missed adding a setting to prevent the conservation of momentum. Couldn't forget the annoyance. But they were out of the castle. Fuck yeah.

‘Lalna?’

 Lalna breathed in. Yes, his ribs were fine. A concerned face appeared above him, looking concerned. Incredibly concerned. Increasingly concerned. Concerned to the point of displaying concern. And Nano was covered in dirt.

‘You need a bath,’ he said. His voice, surprisingly, sounded perfectly fine.

The concern evaporated. ‘ _Really?!_ That's what you say?’

‘Thanks for getting us out.’

‘No! I mean--’ Nano grimaced. ‘--Yes, I did good, but did you get the memory stick?!’

Lalna lifted his hand above his chest and opened it. A soft jangling sound was heard, and a weight landed on Lalna’s stomach.

‘Oh thank gods. Thank, the freaking, gods. If you'd dropped that thing...’ Nano said.

‘Hey, it's not like it was _my_ idea to go there.’

‘Yeah, well... it's still good you didn't lose it.’ Nano bent and grabbed the stick, then stepped back. ‘You alright? You kinda had a bad landing.’

Lalna sat up. His entire side protested. And his back. And his other side, part of his chest, both his legs, and half of his upper arm. ‘Uff. Mm’not wearing any fall boots. Fuck wozname, Blue. Doesn't even have falling protection.’

Nano looked oddly guilty. ‘Oh. I forgot I was wearing these.’

‘Well, that's good.’ Lalna tried to not look like he was about to curl up in pain. Because he was not. Anyone who suggested otherwise was partaking in complete and utter slander. ‘It's a sign of good fall boots. So good, so well made, that they feel like any other shoe.’

‘I should probably have told Hon... never mind.’ Nano held out a hand, and Lalna took it. It was also covered in dust, but not so much that it couldn't help him stand.

‘Do we have any healing potions left?’ Lalna asked.

‘We should, so long as they didn't steal or smash them.’

Lalna didn't need to ask who _they_ were. The sheer amount of anger on Nano’s face gave him the answer.

‘Right, I'll probably need one of them.’ Lalna attempted to take a step. Holy _hell_. ‘Maybe two. Other than that, I'm fine.’

Nano frowned and raised her eyebrows. ‘You're “fine,” are you now?’ she said. The tone was like she was looking at an invalid who was claiming they could easily go for a run. Oddly enough, Lalna had a feeling that Nano had a similar train of thought.

‘Yes I am.’ Lalna grinned at her, hoping it wasn't a grimace. ‘Let's never, ever go back there. Unless it's to go annihilate the entire biome.’

‘Yeah, let's,’ Nano agreed, arms folded.

Both stood like statues, neither wanting to move or speak before the other. Nano was watching Lalna like a hawk, and Lalna was still trying to hide the fact that his entire body was figuratively on fire. A faint breeze curled its way through the base around them, jostling wheat and flowers alike.

Hunks of stone, the ones large enough to fit through the portal, were dotted all about the stairs and front porch of PandaLabs. Where they had landed, the concrete had cracked. It hadn't cracked in every place there was a stone, but it was enough to make the mouth of PandaLabs into a map. One such rock had smashed clean through the fence to Nano’s farm and now rested somewhere among the carrots.

The red walls of their base stood above them. It was just as red, sturdy, and not-at-all-like-a-panda as usual. Iron spikes glinted in the sun like brave knights defending their hold. The flowers behind the duo, those that were not crushed, were bright. The shadows cast by building, tree, and fence were short.

In front of Lalna, Nano remained. Her expression was tense, but her gaze had drifted towards the horizon. Lalna didn't need to turn around to know she was looking in the general direction of the castle several biomes away. As Lalna watched, Nano blinked rapidly and ducked her head, sucking in a sharp breath.

‘...Are _you_ ok?’ Lalna said.

Nano smiled. It was watery. ‘I'm fine.’

‘Ah. So am I.’

‘You said that already.’

‘...So I did.’ Lalna glanced down, lips curling. ‘Why the hell am I dressed like him?’ he muttered. ‘And why's it bright blue? It looks awful.’

‘It could use a dye job,’ Nano said critically. She took a bit of the sleeve between her fingers, mock-examining it. ‘And this dirt! The _fashions_ these days!’

Nano’s smile felt a bit more genuine. _Mission accomplished_ , thought Lalna. ‘Ooo, _yes_. Where’s the dye? I am going to _ruin_ this thing!’ Doing his best to ignore the stings and aches all over him, Lalna virtually hopped up the stairs.

‘Are you actually?’

‘Who's gonna stop me?’

‘Um....’ Nano’s reply was slow. ‘You? I mean, you should probably not.’

Lalna paused at the top of the stairs, looked her up and down, then grinned. She was _still_ smiling like she meant it! ‘Him? Ha! Like he could stop me! There is nobody here but us, so I am going to _ruin_ his clothes!’

‘He might do the same back to you,’ Nano muttered.

‘So? This is _our_ home. I've got plenty more clothes and what does he have? Just this. Maybe pink would be good, he probably hates pink.’

With a small laugh -- _yesssss!_ Lalna thought -- Nano followed him up the stairs.

‘Speaking of clothing, you can't dye anything when you're coated in muck,’ Nano said.

Lalna found himself looking at PandaLabs. Specifically the half-open door swinging in the breeze. ‘And we need to tidy,’ he said sourly.

‘Clean up first,’ Nano said, and disappeared inside.

When Lalna followed, Nano had already lit the torches around the room. Lalna shut the door behind him and the flames stopped leaping and dancing wildly. Sunlight flew through the great windows at the back wall. Where the light lay the walls shone a warm red, at times catching at more reflective surfaces and shedding white twinkles around the room.

The fireplace was filled with ash. They had probably forgotten to clean it before Nano went to visit Lomadia and Lalna... well, stopped being himself. Lalna knelt and started cleaning it out. Misgivings started to bubble, especially when he noticed several muddy footprints across the floor. It got worse when, on his way to discard the ash outside, Lalna stepped into some of the prints.

Nano had righted the corner table by the time Lalna returned. The pair silently put the flowerpot (the tulip was partially crushed and most of the dirt had been blown away), the papers (mostly notes on thaumaturgy and a few blueprints), the bowls (good thing they were empty), and the potions (Lalna snagged two of the healing ones) back to where they belonged.

‘Good thing we had those in here,’ Lalna muttered, uncorking a bottle.

Nano nodded, grabbing one of her own.

‘They did break a lot of our things,’ Nano said in a low tone.

‘Anything important? Apart from your hut.’

With a tired look, Nano took a sip from her potion. ‘We lost a lot of aspects downstairs, and I shot up the basement a bit.’ Nano stood. She looked a lot more steady than before. ‘I'm getting my rocket launcher, might try fixing the damages down there.’

‘You do that, I'm getting all this--’ Lalna waved a hand at the muck coated cloak ‘--off of me.’

Nano nodded, stepped onto the elevator, and disappeared.

The silence was heavier than Lalna had anticipated.

He whistled lightly, the walked towards the elevator himself. Looking down to orientate himself, Lalna flinched. His feet, once again, were following his double’s prints. He sidestepped towards the trophy wall and glared at the prints.

A wave of repulsion hit him like a high powered hose.

Lalna paused, then deliberately lifted his gaze and examined the heads on the wall. There were six skulls in all. Six victories. There was the snake-like taper of the naga, the brilliantly sharp fangs of the hydra, the ethereal appearing ur-ghast, the blackened bone of the wither, the tusks of the minotaur, and the dragon whose eye sockets still faintly glowed. Six fantastic fights, fantastic victories, and six skulls Lalna had attached to the wall himself.

Instead of pride to lift his shoulders, the same repulsion made him want to back away.

_...For fucks sake._

With a shake of his head, Lalna turned and went upstairs.

It was very dark. Weirdly dark. Lalna almost tripped and toppled from the unexpected lack of light. What he could see of their bedroom made it apparent that a typhoon had taken a holiday in it. The sofa was missing, making the room feel that much more spacious. There was a scorch mark, dead in the centre of the room and right where the sofa should have been. Lalna glared at it. It was a similar mark to the ones beside the bed he'd woken up in earlier.

How long had it been since that happened? It felt like only hours, or even minutes.

Stepping further into the room, Lalna steadily avoided the scorch mark. Everything was in disarray. Some of Nano’s ruby tools had be thrown to the ground. With a jolt, Lalna recalled seeing them in amongst a haze of pain. When he replaced them in their frames the memory didn't fade, but he felt a little better. Next Lalna straightened the twin poppet shelves to lie back against the beds. His hand paused where the thaumometer belonged, shivered, then reached out to pick up the fallen poppets.

Nano’s pair protecting against starvation and death were still intact, from the look of the vials of her blood. Both were knackered. The starvation one was visibly contracting and curling in on itself, and if Lalna squinted he could trick himself into thinking there were ribs sticking out. Similarly the death and injury one had many tiny cuts over the fabric, and one “arm,” was sticking in an abrupt right angle. Backwards. Lalna knew they were only made out of fabric, but it was still spooky. That was magic for you.

Lalna propped the two poppets upright. ‘Nano’ll fix you both up before we go,’ he said, then turned to find his own. He found both lying under his bed, like they had been thrown away like trash.

_Uh. What in the...?_

The dust under Lalna’s bed, coupled with the poor light, made it almost impossible to see properly. But he could have almost _sworn_....

Lalna sat up, grabbed hold of the nearest lamp, turned it on and pointed it under the bed.

Nano had originally made three poppets for Lalna since she had worked out how to make them. The first, which had been one to prevent starvation, had lasted all of a month before they had discovered that the vial of glass had shattered and the poppet itself was barely present enough to be called a stick. The other two were both designed to protect against death and harm in general. He had been quite proud that other than a few dents here or there, Lalna hadn't broken either of them. Unlike Nano, who had broken one of hers from forgetting to repair them.

Lalna’s heart was in his throat, and he carefully pushed his bed to one side.

The first looked like someone had placed a bomb inside it. Lalna examined the fabric, not daring to touch, frowning as he traced the explosion to the poppet’s “chest.” There were also many tears along one side, like someone had taken the poppet and scrubbed it against sandpaper. Instinctively Lalna reached up a hand and touched his sternum. Phantom pain spat, like a remembered bruise, and he whipped his hand away.

The second one had deep slashes through it. When Lalna peered close, he could easily tell that the slash went almost clean through the entire poppet. If he were to fold up the poppet’s “arms,” he had a feeling that the slashes would connect into a single line that almost chopped the poppet in two. This one, Lalna could identify. The blindingly white spell Sjin had cast back at the Magic Police matched the direction and shape of the wound. What made Lalna even more uneasy was how the poppet’s “head,” was caved in at the back.

A chill went down Lalna’s spine. Legs trembling, Lalna sat on his bed and stared at the poppets.

_Sjin might have killed me._

Well. He had made a good go at it way back when. As did Rythian, before someone blew him up. But seeing both poppets, torn, vials of blood shattered, red stains across the fabric and floor....

...Come to think of it, only the poppet that had the deep cut through it had blood on the floor around it. The other one had a clean, albeit dusty, floor to lie down on. On the other hand, Lalna’s poppet shelf had traces of his blood on it. New blood, not from his first broken poppet.

Lalna shivered and turned off the lamp.

In the darkness, he couldn't see the blood as well. Lalna made quick work of it, grabbing cleaning products they had gathered and scrubbing the blood off the shelf. He put the broken poppets back where they belonged, cleaned up the blood on the floor, and put his bed back into the right spot.

There was a sharp knocking from below. ‘You decent?’ Nano called.

Lalna looked down at the cloak, still being worn and covered in grime. ‘Yes,’ he said.

Nano appeared on the top of the elevator. ‘I need to grab some... clothes... Lalna, why is the couch in the window?’

‘I was getting to that,’ Lalna said, rubbing the back of his head. The cowl of the cloak got in the way.

‘Wow. This room’s a _mess._ ’ Nano beckoned to Lalna and approached the sofa. ‘Hope our statues aren't broken, the sofa’s _right_ on top of them. Also, I moved a bunch of chests from the basement up to the ground floor, so it's a little cluttered now.’

The sofa was a familiar weight to lever free from the statues. Lalna was the one who had assembled it, after all. Nano had been deciphering the instructions, trying to look like she knew what she was talking about. Both had contributed to accidentally making it a chair. Lalna avoided what looked like another shoe print as they maneuvered the sofa back where it belonged. It easily covered the black mark, and Nano didn't comment when Lalna angled it to do so. The room brightened in both senses of the word; the window was free, and the signs of anything untoward were cloaked.

 _Speaking of cloaks,_ Lalna thought. ‘Do you remember where we kept the pink dye?’

‘You aren't actually going to dye it pink, are you?’ Nano asked. From across the room and almost inside her drawers, her voice was muffled.

‘Of course I am! It's the least I can do to make up for him and Sjin arresting you. Oh! If I'm not there, could you record his reaction? I bet it'll be amazing.’

‘I don't suppose we can just turn on our force field and just, _not_ let them in? Sort this out on our own?’

‘They’d probably sit there trying to break in,’ Lalna said. ‘I don't know about Sjin, but I'm sure Xephos and Honeydew would never leave a friend behind. Even if it was just a copy.’

‘...I guess,’ Nano said.

Lalna soon found his own clothes, bundled them up, and headed for the elevator.

‘Hey, Lalna?’ Nano said in a small voice.

Lalna immediately stopped and looked to her, putting the clothes bundle onto the couch. ‘Yes?’

Nano was still by her drawers. He hand was at her neck, fiddling with her necklace. ‘Back at Sjin’s place, with those circles. That other you, uh, Green I think. The one with Honeydew and Xephos. He said that he... that he saw this room?’

Lalna did not look towards the ruby tools he had put back on the wall. Nor at where he had dropped his sword on the elevator and left a long scratch in it a month ago. Ok, maybe he did. But it was only a small look.

As Lalna tried to not look around the rest of the room, Nano continued to speak. She had an expression like she was in a morgue. ‘Did you, um, do you remember anything like that?’

Lalna forced himself to look out the window. The trees had lost most of their flowers. The collective of greenery swayed like a dozen sets of dancers.

‘...I just thought you'd cursed me,’ Lalna eventually said. His throat was parchment in face of the memory that slipped like sand. ‘I know that I was here, in this room, lying on the ground over there--’ He jerked his head towards the elevator ‘--like I'd fallen off my bed and, um, rolled a few metres. I... I dunno. It hurt a bit too much to think properly.’

Nano had at some point started examining the floor. Lalna tried to take comfort in how she was still _there_ , still alive even with all the shit they'd been through.

‘I kinda wish it had been a curse,’ Lalna said quietly. ‘I curse of I don't know... insanity? You said you wanted to try insanity, didn't you?’

‘I'm pretty sure the curse of insanity makes you hallucinate, not do whatever it was your head did,’ Nano said. She shivered. ‘For a while, I thought maybe I did cause this, so I kept telling those guys I never cursed you.’

Lalna gaze drifted to the statue of himself and Nano. ‘...Say, you can curse robey-dick with that, can't you?’

‘Might be tricky, I could end up hitting you by mistake.’

‘Oh yeah. He's inside me, right.’

‘Oooo, he's _inside_ you, is he now?’ Nano’s face broke into a wide grin.

‘Hey--! You know what I meant. Well, if we can’t curse him, I'll just kick the living daylights out of-- shit, same problem. At least he can't kill me either, not from in my head.’

‘How _are_ we going to fix this?’ Nano asked.

‘Well... like Xephos said I suppose.’

Nano tensed. ‘That... that's the plan where we shove those other two into your head even more, wasn't it?’

‘I know, it's a shitty plan. But we don't have any other options,’ Lalna said.

‘But that one... that one's _horrible_.’

‘A-at least I'll be breathing. That's better than bleeding out from brain surgery or switching personality every time I fall unconscious.’

Nano’s gaze flicked up and down. ‘How would we even _do_ that? Shove the other yous into your head more, I mean.’

‘Merging?’ Lalna looked down at _his_ hands, trying not to dwell on his thoughts. ‘Xephos had all that data at Sjin’s place. He'll probably do something sciency to fix my head.’

‘...Something “sciency,” doesn't really fill me with confidence,’ Nano said. ‘Besides, you're fine now. You don't _need_ to be fixed.’

‘And then I bang myself over the head and Blue tries to kill you,’ Lalna growled.

‘Then we don't let you bang yourself over the head!’

‘I still need to _sleep_ , Nano, and that might cause one of them to show up as well.’ Lalna was aware that he was shaking. Not much, but enough that he could notice it. ‘We need to solve this, and like it or not, merging _is_ my best option.’

‘Even... even though you won't be you?’ Nano said, looking upset.

Lalna’s heart plummeted. Trust Nano to bring up the one thought he'd been trying to avoid. ‘Y-yes. Still the best option.’

With a nod and a sigh, Nano picked up her own bundle of clothes. Lalna could see her swallowing, like something had been lodged in Nano’s throat, and she stepped past him to the elevator.

‘I'm going to my hut, might try to fix it later,’ she said. A quiet _tap_ filled the air, oddly loud, and Nano was gone. Footsteps moved below and the front door opened and shut.

Lalna was left alone with his thoughts. And now that Nano had voiced one he didn't _want_ to think about, there he was stuck thinking about it. _It_ , being _fucking stupid copies_.

Xephos hadn't spared a moment to say _how_  they would fix it, as far as Lalna was aware of. It was too much to hope that it would be easy, or simple, or any other relevant synonyms. For certain, sitting down and trying to weld _his_ head back into a solid piece that wouldn't flip flop every time Lalna shut his eyes would be tricky. It might even just kill him outright, if it were hard enough to pull off and someone made a mistake.

The trees slid and slapped one another in a sharp rustling wind. Lalna sat on the couch, beside his clothes bundle, and buried his face in his hands.

Then again, Lalna thought, Xephos may have been just trying to ensure “his,” Lalna was the one that lived. _Without_ any other personalities remaining.

If Xephos had his own sneaky plan to pick _one_ to live, it sure as hell wouldn't be Lalna. The Lalna that was the real Lalna, that was. Xephos and Honeydew would pick Green, Sjin would pick Blue, and Nano would pick him. And like it or not, if it came down to a fight or a drawn straw for who had the right to _live_ , it was a one in three chance of it being him. And even that probability was skewed by there being two people on Team Green.

At least Lalna could take solace in how Xephos and Honeydew would easily kick Sjin’s butt. Green might even look after Nano if Lalna died. Hopefully. Maybe.

There was still the possibility that Xephos _was_ being honest and that the only option Lalna had _was_ merging all their brains together into one giant mess. Every bit of them. Blue, the magical dickhead who would sooner kill them rather than get the facts. Green, who probably _also_ had some shit wrong with him too and they'd just been unlucky not to find it yet. Them, plus himself, all shoved together into one person. And he himself would be partially erased in whatever the fuck the other two had as “personalities.”

 _In other words_ , Lalna thought gloomily, _I’d be dead_. They _all_ would die. All that would be left would be some fourth “Lalna,” walking and talking in his place but was nothing like him, probably with severe mental issues to boot.

Lalna’s thoughts, like cogs in a clock, paused for a second.

...But that “Lalna,” wouldn't be like McRobey either. That new “Lalna,” would have Blue’s behaviour, true, but it would also have Lalna. Dickish “policeman-ship,” would be stacked against Lalna’s friendship. As much as Blue and Sjin wanted to chuck Nano in jail, Lalna certainly wanted to keep her _out_ several million times more. With _all_ their heads shoved into one new “Lalna,” Blue wouldn't be able to touch Nano. Whatever remained of Lalna would make sure of that. He would still be there, looking out for Nano in whatever muddle of a person he was when he got out of this.

Boom. Nano would be safe.

Lalna’s hands dropped to his lap. He took a slow, deep breath, trying to memorise the feeling of air entering _his_ lungs. The motion of getting onto _his_ feet and looking around with _his_ eyes was treated likewise. There was something tight in Lalna’s chest, a bit of tension that he didn't want to consider the meaning of.

Abruptly Lalna turned on his heel and strode towards the window, towards his and Nano’s statues. He didn't need to bend, or raise his head, or alter his stance in any way to look directly into his statue’s eyes.

When Lalna looked at the golden statue, he couldn't see anything that suggested two other copies of himself were riding around in his skull. And when Lalna focused instead on his distorted reflection, there wasn't anything more to see but his face.

Lalna glared at the reflection. It glared back.

‘You hear this, Blue? he said softly. ‘You touch that girl, and I will tear your head into little dripping bits.’

Of course, there was no reply. But it was nice to imagine the copy shaking in his boots. Or with a knee to the face.

With a sharp nod, Lalna turned to the couch and gathered up his clothes once more. He gave the room one last glance, taking in as much as he could commit to memory, and stepped back onto the elevator.

He tapped his foot.

 

 


	10. Phantasos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is chapter 2 of 6 published today (19/12/2017).

The forest was a mess.

If anyone other than Nano or Lalna looked at it, they wouldn't spot the differences. They would just see the gorgeous canopy trees, shielding the rest of the forest from the weighty sunlight with their wide foliage hugging one another. The trees made it dark but Nano had long gotten used to the dim light. It was something she looked forward to now -- dropping in between the branches, cutting off her jetpack engine, landing among the undergrowth, and just letting the soft quiet of the forest wash over her.

The dark barked canopy trees were not the only ones she'd gathered from the Twilight Forest. Just below was the understory. Regrettably the dim lighting almost completely concealed the wonderful display of the rainbow oaks. The leaves rippled in darkness, occasionally discarding their leaves into a cascade of shimmering colour, only to fade as the leaves decayed. But it was only the end of spring. Autumn was a season away.

Nano also had gathered trees of transformation and Twilight mangroves, even one Twilight oak sapling. But the Twilight oak was sickly, barely able to fight its way towards any sunlight at all, and the Twilight mangroves needed much more water than Nano could provide. The trees of transformation had been a partial success. While they did grow to be big and strong trees, they seemed to have lost their magic. They didn't drop their rune-sparks, and the forest floor didn't become dappled. They just waved their blue leaves and looked amazing.

Then there were other, none otherworldly plants. Nano had red berried rowans, pale hawthorns, rich orange-trunked alders, Spanish moss cradled in every trees’ limbs, ents, a few pockets of mandrakes hidden away, and come next spring Nano would have enough magical flowers to plant all the way around the edge of the forest. She had attempted it this spring, but didn't account for how they would not grow well under the canopy trees. Then there were the usual oak, birch, spruce, acacia, and scrubby little ferns that were almost as stubborn as Lalna.

She had got her hands on a “miner’s tree,” but it had kind of curled up, withered, and died. In the place where it had been -- bang in the middle of the forest -- Nano had instead constructed her first hut. There had been a handy space there, after all. Then she had brewed some healing potions and forgot to turn down the heat, one thing led to another and she had given herself a concussion. And destroyed her first hut. Now the ruins of that hut were partially buried by the constant tree growth, and the space now held Nano’s altar.

But the second Nano dropped in to see the forest, it felt off. It was unusually quiet. The crows, deer, Mickey, and Sir Ramsalot didn't make a lot of noise, that was true. They just prowled and pranced through the forest, occasionally appearing to beg for snacks and petting. But the songbirds did. And it was much too early for them to fly south again.

So, it was quiet. So what? Nano had gotten quiet days from the birds and when they took their kids to migrate away, they wouldn't be around to make any sound in the first place. No, the real thing that just bugged at Nano were the faint little marks of her, Sjin’s, and the evil Lalna’s fight. They were almost invisible. But she could easily fly over to the boughs of the rowan she had hid inside. That rowan was great for hiding in, what with how the branches had twisted just right to make a little cocoon only she could get into. Nano could probably get in without her portal gun, but Lalna never could fit. And if Nano did go over to her familiar hiding place, she would see the little scorches, so faint yet blaringly obvious to someone who had marked out every knot and gall in that area.

Oh. And her new hut had a massive hole in it, courtesy of her bazooka and the fact that she never bothered to reinforce the place. She had to break down a wall every few months anyway to make room for even _more_ devices. Why on earth did magic require so many slightly differently shaped bits of metal? It was a pain to make them, and a pain to keep track, and a pain to switch between them as the recipes demanded.

And now they were all smoking and twisted heaps of melted mass that she would have to remake. Along with her magic hut. And pretty much everything she had worked on for the fourteen and a half months since she had started working on magic.

Nano steadily avoided that part of the forest.

Instead, once she was cleaned up, Nano wandered around the ruins of her old magic hut. Because that was certainly healthy, to be staring at the ancient wreckage of history and know of how it would repeat. Great, now it was making her melodramatic. She could do that perfectly well on a good day, thank you, she did _not_ need a broken hut and a _breaking friend_ to become poetic.

One of the plants must give Nano an allergic reaction. Yes, that was why she was sniffling. After all, it's not like Nano’s best friend just told her it would be _good_ for him to _die_. It was the _best option_ for him to just fade away, to be replaced or just outright _murdered_ by a Lalna that she had _no way_ of knowing before they showed up and took _her_ _Lalna, her friend_ , away from her.

And then she'd be left alone. Either locked up in Asskabang, or locked up in her own home while the taint spread further, and further, and further until all she was would be a shaking ball of dripping, infectious magic that needed to be put down. Like an animal, in pain and undeserving of life just because nobody knows how or is willing to fix it.

Maybe it was selfish of Nano to not want her friend to die. She was ok with selfish; someone had to be wanting Lalna to cling to life with everything he had. Even if he had already given up. Especially if he had given up.

Because if Lalna gave up, and he willingly merged with those other fake Lalna, then he’d be gone. Her big brother would be dead. No more cheeky grin as he woke Nano up with an air horn. No more half-giggling protests that he can certainly look after his own health, just look at his track record, oh wait he nearly died of dehydration ten minutes ago.

No more huddling under blankets by the fire with marshmallows late at night, when the memory of the mountain slaughter grew too heavy.

No more waking up after a sudden spout of dizziness to see Lalna, shaking like a leaf, and spouting panicked, meaningless phrases that always hit right on why she loved her daft brother in all but blood.

No more of his hugs when she thought he almost got himself killed _again,_ and telling him he'd better not do it again although Nano is sure the second Lalna’s hair isn't standing on their ends he is going to keep fiddling with those wires, only remembering his rubber gloves for a week before it happened all over again in two.

No more landing at PandaLabs after visiting Owl Island or Martyn’s camp or the Rail Bros or even the crater where Blackrock Stronghold stood, and seeing that the fire was lit and having her jetpack seem just a bit lighter at the thought of seeing Lalna huff and puff over how she really shouldn't fly too far in it, it puts too much pressure on the valves and what if the jetpack gave out over a ocean or when you're several stories above the ground?

No more half serious discussions about how, theoretically of course, they could completely wipe out a base of their choice if they so desired, they just need to take out Hat Film’s shield generator, and maybe this chat isn't so theoretical.

No more quiet flights to the biome of their old home, watching the tainted creatures rip one another to shreds while Lalna’s comforting presence beside her told her, without even needing to speak, that she will _not_ end up like that and if her brain ever tried to think such things, Lalna would do everything he can to get her out of her sobbing thoughts.

No more board games where they tried to persuade the other to lose of their own volition.

No more happy days where Nano and Lalna just relaxed, too lazy to do anything but sit or sleep.

No more sharing what they had been working on, and being amazed at what the other had made.

No more Lalna.

Nothing more but a hole in everything Nano had ever seen him do, or talk about, or even interact with in the slightest way, and she wouldn't be able to run from her loss. It would always be there. Watching her and killing her further in her weakest moments. And nobody would be there to help her escape her own, broken head, not this time and never again.

Nano’s breath wouldn't stop hitching, even when she planted her back against a tree and slid into a ball at the base.

The tree groaned, and when Nano looked up she could see bright yellow eyes in the bark, like little candles.

‘S-s--ry,’ Nano managed. ‘I’ll, g-get--’

The rest of her sentence died as her throat kept jumping like a jackalope away from her.

‘--O-oh--ff, yi-- y-you--’

A crinkling sound, like stepping on leaves in a bright autumn day, reached Nano’s ears, and a cool weight carefully placed itself on Nano’s shoulder. The tree groaned again, the sound vibrating Nano’s back.

She gave the ent a watery smile, even though her mouth felt like lead, then reached to her shoulder and pushed at the ent’s bark covered hand. _I'm ok_ , she wanted to say, but she could get her chest to calm.

The ent’s eyes closed, then opened again in a slow blink. They groaned again.

_I'm fine, I just need a moment to stop this. I'm not hurt, it's just that I can't make myself stop._

Yellow eyes blinked at Nano again. Ents weren't mind readers. They barely understood Nano on a good day, so what hope did she have of telling them she was perfectly well? They probably noticed Nano was hurt, and wanted to help. If only this was a type of hurt that could be healed as easy as a broken bone, or prevented by a poppet.

‘I--I a-am, f-fine,’ Nano said.

Another long pause came as the ent considered this. Slowly, the ent’s hand of gnarled twigs and tiny leaves drifted downwards to Nano’s chest. They shook their head, leaves rustling loudly against one another.

Nano’s expression cracked, and she buried her face in her knees.

* * *

Nano lost track of time. Under the canopy it was hard to judge where the sun was. That, and she had managed to recover one of her books on circle magic, and Nano had tried to distract herself with it as much as she could. Once her voice had calmed down, Nano had gone around the clearing and asked, as best as she could, if the ents around her altar could shift across so she could use it and the clearing. They had done so, sorrow filled eyes opening while they moved and then closing to hide themselves among the alder.

And so Nano found herself a tree stump by her altar, reading her book. Her breath still hitched every now and again, but it was passing.

The sound of a jetpack got Nano to look up from the text. She spotted bright orange trails of fire, which faded before they could do any harm, and Lalna landed onto a rainbow oak.

Lalna was back in his usual clothes. White lab coat, jetpack, and it looked like he'd grabbed his purple t-shirt for today. He had a frown on his face, turning his head across the forest and blinking in the darkness.

Nano waved, swiping a sleeve over her eyes before Lalna spotted her. She knew the moment Lalna did. He beamed like a torch of his very own.

‘Come up!’  Lalna called.

Placing the book onto her alter, Nano activated her jetpack. The rainbow flames swirled around her, never burning, and she followed Lalna above the tree line. The sudden sunlight was like a small hammer bopped Nano on both eyes. Judging by the sun, it was only a few more hours until night.

Lalna was pointing into the distance. ‘That's probably them,’ he said. ‘If you really want to, we can turn on the force field.’

She really did want to. Nano shielded her eyes and squinted at the small dot. It flew low, almost a speck beside the horizon. ‘How long has it been?’

‘About six hours?’ Lalna said. ‘I didn't look at a clock when I got here.’

‘...Can we work out how far away Sjin’s _other_ base is? I gave Xephos the co-ordinates so he should have come straight here, so--’

‘--we know the exact direction we'll need to fly. I can maybe work out the distance if I know the flight speed and time, but we can always make a rough guess.’ Lalna had a thoughtful look on his face. ‘Or, I could just make a satellite, put it into a fixed orbit, and look at all the ground in that direction to find it.’

‘Will that be faster?’

‘No, but it _would_ be more accurate, so if we wanted to program say, a missile to land on them all, we don't have to go anywhere near it ourselves.’

The dot was a little bigger now. Lalna rolled his shoulders and looked towards the sun.

‘...They'll need to stay the night,’ Lalna said, ‘And they might be hurt from the fight.’

An ice block landed in Nano’s stomach and neatly removed her ability to swallow. ‘Y-you don't think the taint managed to infect any of them, do you?’

‘...If they were, they should only have the temporary pathogen. Being bitten or blown up by taint shouldn't add enough flux to their systems for any of it to latch onto their magic, and even if it did, it should dissolve out before it replicate and dig into them.’ Lalna’s expression was like a puppy, sitting in the rain and trying not to look sadly indoors.

‘And if it happened anyway?’ Nano said.

‘...Then we'll have more help with all this,’ Lalna said slowly. He waved a hand towards PandaLabs. ‘I'll move some computers out here, I am not sitting in the same house as _Sjin._ ’

‘Want some help?’

It took only a few minutes to find the computers Lalna was comfortable moving. It took a lot longer to unhook them from PandaLabs, since Lalna had not only added several firewalls preventing computers being removed without dying to prevent theft, but the wires had gotten tangled badly. The actual moving process was easy. Portal indoors, portal on a rotting bit of the old magic hut, and then three trips apiece to move everything out. Last was some weird gizmo that would power everything. It looked like a cube with another glowing cube in it.

They were almost finished wiring everything back together when they heard the faint rumble of the spaceship. The two glanced at one another, turned on their jetpacks, and flew towards the nearby lake.

They emerged from the treeline just as the spaceship smoothly glided to land a few metres into the water. Although, the spaceship did look more like a clunky box than a real spaceship.

A door on one side slid open, and Honeydew’s face appeared. ‘Oi! Either of you know how to deal with magical exhaustion?’

‘Magical what?’ Nano repeated.

‘Sjin collapsed after teleporting us back to the Magic Police ‘nd warned us it would be ‘cause of that. He's been asleep for the whole trip over,’ Honeydew said.

Lalna turned to Nano. ‘Heard of that?’ he said quietly.

Nano shook her head. ‘That shouldn't even be possible. Magic comes from the environment, doesn't it?’

‘Some magic doesn't, I think. Those circles that Sjin made had to be powered by _something_ , and he didn't even have a potted plant.’ Lalna turned back to the ship. ‘Water gets pretty deep over there! Can you move your ship uh... forward by three metres?’

‘Uh, hang on. Xeph! Forward, three metres!’

Nano faintly heard Xephos’s voice. It sounded sarcastic. But with a rumble of an engine, the ship rocked forward.

‘That good?’ Honeydew said.

‘Yeah. Come ashore, we've got some computers we're setting up, and a memory stick....’ Lalna grimaced. ‘...Um. That we need to look at.’

‘Right, give us a sec.’ Honeydew vanished from the door.

‘Nano, please tell me you've got the stick and that it's not in the wash,’ Lalna said quickly.

Nano took the memory stick out, tossing it towards Lalna. He caught it deftly, worry vanishing from his face.

‘Come on, let's just, get this over with,’ Nano said.

There was a splash by the ship.

‘Oh my _gods_ this shit is cold!’ Xephos yelped. ‘Why’d you push me!?’

‘Cause I didn't want to jump in without knowing how cold it is?’ Honeydew said. ‘Here, you carry him.’

Nano looked out at the water just in time to see Xephos, standing up to his thighs in water, get an unconscious Sjin dropped on his head. Xephos spluttered, almost falling backwards in the water. Judging by how sopping wet his clothes were, and how his hair was glued to his scalp, he had already been utterly drenched.

 _That's right, get wet! Serves you right, Sjin_ , Nano thought. _You throw me in the cold, we dump you in a lake._ She grinned at the sight of Sjin, feet in the water because Xephos wasn't enough of a giant to keep him dry.

Sjin was completely limp. His face was blank. There wasn't a grin, a scowl, or anything to show he was still alive.

Lalna whistled. ‘He should teleport more often,’ he said quietly.

Nano scuffed her shoes in the sand. _He didn't need to._

Xephos trudged out of the lake. ‘You two look well,’ he said in a strained voice. ‘Can someone--’

‘Thanks, I'll take him back.’ Honeydew deftly caught Sjin, who had been slipping from Xephos’s back. The mining laser slapped at Sjin’s arm. ‘Which are you, then?’

‘Can't you tell from the clothes?’ Lalna said sourly.

‘I'd like to make sure before I start callin’ you by the wrong name, colour, thingy,’ Honeydew said.

‘I'm the one that lives here. Purple.’

Xephos froze, in the middle of shaking water from one of his shoes. ‘Y-you swapped around again, then?’ he said.

Lalna shrugged. ‘Yeah, I guess? I don't know what happened, exactly, maybe we swapped more than once. I'm not conscious when someone else is.’

‘Sjin and _his_ one seemed to think otherwise,’ Honeydew said skeptically.

‘Yeah, speaking of!’ Lalna jabbed a finger at Sjin. ‘What the hell’s _he_ doing here?’

Xephos put his shoe back on. ‘ _Obviously_ we planned to leave one of our friends, alone and _unconscious_ , in his base that doesn't even have a lock, even though he has a _massive_ stake in this whole thing. But then we realised that would be stupid,’ Xephos said. Sarcasm could have been distilled from his words to make a lethal injection.

‘Alright, alright. Point made.’ Lalna tilted his head towards their forest. ‘I'm just wondering where to put him, that's all.’

A bubble of anger seized Nano, and her mouth stretched into a smile. ‘Oh! I have an idea. We could kit up a bed for Sjin in my magic hut-- oh _wait._  He melted the _entire roof off_. Guess he's sleeping on the ground.’

Lalna was the only one to even chuckle, and even that sound died before it could sour.

‘That's not a bad idea though. The hut still has a floor, so it won't be _as_ cold,’ Lalna said hastily.

Nano tried to pull a face that said, _are you serious?!?_ Lalna didn't seem to spot it.

‘Come on, Honeydew, we can take Sjin over then grab a bedroll from PandaLabs. We'll need some more for us all too, unless your spaceship has beds in it.’

With that Lalna stepped back, turned, and headed into the forest, Honeydew right behind them. The pair vanished under the dim trees.

‘...Ugh,’ Nano said. _Why? Why would you bother doing that?!_ _We could have just left him, on the ground, while we started doing whatever it is to fix this! Argh!_

Maybe the evil Lalna had more sway over the real Lalna than they thought. Great. Just _great_.

Xephos coughed. Nano abruptly realised that she was glaring at one of the trees Lalna and Honeydew had vanished behind, as if she could burn it down with eyes alone. And with the taint on her face... ohhhh no, that might not look so nice.

‘Ah.’ Nano broke eye contact with the tree, forcing a smile to her face. ‘Er, hi?’

‘Hi,’ Xephos echoed. He waved a hand vaguely at the trees. ‘Nice... um... forest?’

‘...Thanks?’

‘Um. Haven't, uh, seen many of these species before. N-not in this world, I mean. I've seen some before, but, well. Not, here, is what I mean.’

Good grief. What was next, the weather?’

‘That's ‘cause we planted them. Well, I say we. I did most of it, Lalna just helped me get the seeds,’ Nano said. She scuffed her shoe at the sand again. ‘...I could give you a tour? While we wait for the others?’

‘Yeah, tour! Tour sounds, sounds _great_. Let's do that,’ Xephos said.

Was it just Nano, or was Xephos speaking just a bit too loudly, a bit too quickly?

‘...Ok, but there isn't _that_ much to look at.’

True to her word, most of the stuff in Nano’s forest was just that: forest. But she still showed Xephos some things, explaining how they transferred the Twilight saplings from one world to another. Nano showed off the small, fenced off clearing where their portal to the Twilight Forest was, and tried to convince Sir Ramsay to step into the light and show off his rainbow pelt. She demonstrated how the rainbow trees actually did have rainbow leaves, and wasn't it interesting how every tree synced so all the leaves were similar colours?

Xephos didn't seem to be paying attention. He nodded and commented extensively in all the right places, so Nano was sure he was listening. But he kept sharply glancing behind himself or falling silent, like he was listening for an ambush.

‘And here's where I practice circle magic,’ Nano finished, stepping into the clearing. She paused. ‘So, what do you think?’

Once again, the pause was just a _bit_ too long. ‘Oh, so in _this_ clearing you do stuff with _magic_ , right?’ Xephos finally said.

That was another thing. Xephos kept emphasising the location he was in. It was beginning to get annoying.

‘Yes, I do,’ Nano said. Her words came out a little more clipped than she wanted them too. ‘You see those flat rocks over there? We use those for writing the runes on, since grass and fern don't take to chalk so easily.’

‘Right, I see. And you can reuse some of the runes.’

‘Not really, the runes get washed off in the rain.’

'So you can only use _those_ runes once or twice for your magic _here_ , before the rain comes?’

Nano met the gaze of a curious ent, which was standing just inside the shadows. She rolled her eyes and pointed at Xephos, who was looking at the rocks.

She mouthed, _‘Sneak up on him.’_

The ent blinked, then closed their eyes. Their roots started to shift and rippled in the ground.

‘So, the clearing with all these _ruins_ , you do any other kinds of magic here?’ Xephos said, oblivious to the roots snaking towards his ankles.

 _So he's not being paranoid for a fight._ ‘Sometimes, if I need space. Why? Do you want to see a magic trick?’

‘Yeah, sure, I love to see a magic trick. Am I going to need to be silent for it?’

‘No. You can shout as much as you like.’

The circle of roots closed.

Xephos yelped, tripping almost immediately. ‘What was, _ow!_ How'd you do that?’ Sprawled on the ground among the small undergrowth, Xephos stared at the thin roots around his legs.

‘Xephos, meet one of our ents.’ Nano gave them a thumbs up, and the roots withdrew. ‘Don't worry, they do that all the time to Lalna.’

‘I feel more privileged already,’ Xephos said. He staggered back to his feet, one hand at his ear.

‘You’re welcome,’ Nano said. ‘Now, I could do a magic trick, but most of my books were back in my magic hut. I only got this one out.’ Nano picked up her book on circle magic.

Xephos’s eyes lit up. ‘Isn't that the same kind of magic Blue used, for that splitty thing?’

Oh no.

‘I don't know that one. It isn't in this book,’ Nano said hesitantly.

‘How much have you read?’ Xephos said.

‘At least once cover to cover, but that was when I first found it.’

‘Maybe you missed it? Could I have a flick through, while we wait for the others?’ Xephos said.

Nano opened her mouth to say no, then her words died.

Xephos’s expression had changed. Where before, he had looked excited, he now looked like the weight of a planet was on him. His mouth moved, no words coming out, but Nano could see the phrase, _‘Give me the book_.’

‘S-sure, knock yourself out,’ Nano said, tossing it Xephos’s way.

Xephos nodded, then placed the book on the stump. He then reached back up to his ear. When Xephos took his hand back, a small and shiney object was resting in his palm, and he fiddled with it for a second. Next he put the object onto the stump next to the book.

‘Speak as quietly as you can,’ Xephos muttered, then turned a page on the book.

‘What...?’

‘Me and Honeydew found my earpiece when we were leaving the Magic Police, near the river. I think it must have come out when Lalna threw me through the door,’ Xephos said, still speaking in barely a whisper. ‘Honeydew’s been listening to this whole thing, and he'll give me hell if he works out I took it out again, but he _can't_ hear this. Do you understand?’

Nano nodded, eyeing the object -- the earpiece -- in uncertainty. ‘Why can't Honeydew “hear this?” he's not--’

‘It's not _Honeydew_ I'm trying to keep this from. It's just, as soon as he hears this he'll tell Lalna, and if _Lalna_ knows then everything goes to shit.’

Xephos turned another page.

‘...What is it then?’ _And why tell me? I could tell Lalna just as easy._

Xephos grimaced. ‘I’d like to get a promise out of you not to tell the others, but that would be a waste of our time. But I'd _strongly_ recommend not telling them.’

‘Spit it out then!’ Nano hissed.

Xephos looked down at the page. ‘Ritual of Binding?’ he said loudly. ‘Why’s there like, fifty versions?’ His voice dropped back to a whisper. ‘Don't answer that, he's not expecting to hear you. Do you remember, back at the Magic Police, how I took a scan of Lalna’s brain?’

‘Still don't get how you worked out the barrier thing, but yes I remember.’

‘Believe me, I've been doing my best to simplify this. Now, look, I did some study on souls and minds and a lot of bad shit back at Yoglabs--’

‘You work for _Yoglabs?!_ ’

‘ _Worked._ You can thank Honeydew for getting us out, although truth be told we got into a massive mess afterwards, so what I know is a little rusty.’

‘But _Yoglabs? You?!_ ’

‘Is this the time?!’ Xephos snapped. Impressively his voice didn't get any louder. ‘No! Just, _listen_ , there isn't any easy way to say this so I’m going to just say it, make _sure_ you keep your voice _down._ Ok?’

Nano nodded, then placed a hand over her mouth.

Xephos took a deep breath. ‘Lalna is going to die.’

 _‘What!?’_ It was a good thing Nano had her hand over her mouth. Her heart was in it, and it might have fallen out.

‘I haven't worked out why Lalna’s head is like this,’ Xephos said, while Nano’s own mind completely stalled. ‘It might be because of trauma, or an experiment, or maybe a spell, but--’

‘You have to be joking,’ Nano said. Her whisper had gone hoarse. ‘Lalna can't, there's _no_ way--’

‘Do you think I'm happy about this either!? Lalna’s _brain_ is unstable, and even if Lalna functioned as a person _before_ , he isn't going to last much longer with his mind fracturing.’ Xephos screwed his eyes shut and bowed his head. ‘And the longer it's fractured, the more likely the damage will cause his _entire_ mind to shatter further, and further, until he turns into a vegetable and his brain loses the capacity to keep his internal organs functioning.’

Nano sunk to sit on the ground. The little ferns felt sharp, like claws. Her mouth was dry, her heart pounding and sending flashes of a pulse to make her hands shake.

‘You remember all those times Lalna said he had a headache, back at the castle?’ Xephos said.

There were teeth around Nano’s vocal chords. If she moved, they would bite and she would just scream, and scream, until the world understood exactly how unfair it was.

Xephos pushed on anyway, ignoring how every word was a knife. ‘I said that it was a sign that we were getting closer, right? It's not. It's really not. I don't know how long we have, but those headaches? They're bits of him dying.’

‘Why did you tell me this?’ Nano said, voice hollow. She looked up and found Xephos’s eyes. They looked hollow too, like someone had scooped out parts of Xephos and just laughed and laughed when he screamed.

‘I... I can't do this on my own,’ Xephos said. ‘We need to find a way to save Lalna as fast as we can, but I couldn't think of how to, I mean... I couldn't find a way to hurry people along without actually _telling_ them about the. You know. Deadline.’

‘And we've all been shouting that merging Lalna with the others might kill him.’

‘That _is_ just my backup plan. I need more information to work this out, that's why I wanted to try find out where the Lalnas’ memories differ; there has to be clues to how he ended up like this and if we know that, we can undo it easier.’

Nano hugged her knees. ‘Right, I get that. I get it. Why, why did you tell _me?!_ ’

‘Sjin might not cope well due to indirectly causing this, Honeydew would not be able to keep it from Lalna, and telling Lalna would end badly, regardless of which we picked.’

‘So I was just the best you could do. _Great_.’

‘Hey, you also looked like you might listen and I had an opportunity to tell you.’ Xephos gave Nano a smile, one that didn't come close to his eyes. ‘So. I'm thinking, we need to get Sjin to make the circles again.’

Nano nodded. ‘Is it wreaking his head even more each time they swap around?’

‘I only had one scan to work from, Nano. It probably is though, since he's being smacked around until he's unconscious,’ Xephos said. ‘I think it would, at _least,_  accelerate the process.’

‘I think I have enough stones for the number of runes Sjin used. Lalna already brought down our computers. We... we could put them in the circle when Sjin splits them apart, I guess. Since we're trying to do this quickly.’

‘Great, that's good. I was thinking we'd each have to relay information, that's better. Ok. We might actually pull this off before Lalna has irreversible brain damage,’ Xephos said.

‘...How long do we have before then?’

Xephos’s eyes skittered to look at everything but Nano’s face.

‘ _Piss_.’ Nano stood back up. ‘Ok, I'll do my best not to tell the others, but if we end up finding that there's no way to save Lalna, _you_ have to tell him. And if you end up killing _my_ Lalna, I will hunt you down and stab you to pieces.’

Xephos looked relieved. ‘Thanks. You may have a hard time with that, if that happens.’

‘I'll drop a nuke on you,’ Nano said.

‘...You have nukes?’ Xephos pressed a hand to his face. ‘Nevermind. Could you start looking--’ Xephos stopped, gaze swapping to land somewhere behind and above Nano.

There was a soft sound, like gas flooding from a pipe.

‘Jetpack,’ Nano said.

Xephos had already scooped up his earpiece and was carefully replacing it. Nano grabbed the book, scanned over what page it was on, and sat on the tree stump.

A moment later the jetpack cut off and Lalna landed in the clearing. ‘Hey, Xephos,’ he said. ‘Honeydew says he's going to glue that to your ear.’

Xephos’s hands dropped. ‘Shit,’ he said. He winced, head jerking in the opposite direction his earpiece was. ‘Sorry, Honeydew, I got distract-- Come on, it's magic! How often do _we_ get to just _chat_ with people who know m-- Sjin doesn't count! You aren't here, I _will_ take it out again if you keep-- that's it.’ Xephos pulled the earpiece out, keeping it close by his head. ‘Did you two need something?’

‘Yeah, just a bit.’ Lalna rubbed the back of his neck, grinning. ‘Could you two come help with the bedrolls? We may have gotten them stuck. Just a bit. In a door.’

‘Should have called me in the first place,’ Nano said. Huh, her voice sounded fine. Thank gods. And thank gods Xephos was there to divide Lalna’s attention, or else he might notice how Nano was staring at him like he could collapse at any moment. Nano turned and placed the book back down on the stump, then took out her portal gun.

Blue light shot out, then splashed against a tree and opened a portal. Through it, she could see the land in front of PandaLabs. ‘Come on, this is faster,’ she said, waving the other two through.

Lalna followed Xephos, and Nano felt a pinched sensation in the corner of her eyes. But she couldn't let herself react. Not when Lalna needed her, more than he knew.

Nano just had to hope Xephos could fix him in time.

* * *

 Xephos had no idea what to do. 

That was a  _bit_ of an exaggeration. Lying on a bedroll in a half demolished house was not how Xephos expected to spend his evening. It had been at least a day and a half since the house was blown up from the inside, but every now and then parts of the remaining walls collapsed in puffs of debris. He could still smell smoke in the air. Xephos guessed that it hadn't been long enough for all the broken pieces to line up, hit an equilibrium, and stop falling apart.

There was no roof. There were a few long wooden beams that had fallen to the ground, creating random angles between them, the floor, and the back wall that was the most intact. Some bits of greenery, like moss and ferns, had been abandoned all over the floor. Upended chests, a severely dented cauldron, and a few lumps of netherrack were scattered about the floor and surrounding area of the hut.

Nano had gone around and removed most of the garbage inside the hut. There was plenty of room in it, and the half-present walls were decent in blocking the faint wind. The lack of a front wall and roof scuppered those efforts. It was better than leaving Sjin on the side of the magic clearing though. Here, he at least had a floor to keep away the chill of the earth.

Sjin also wouldn't be attacked by Nano or Purple the moment he woke up. Unless either of them had Sjin-is-awake sensors, and Xephos doubted that. If they did, the group wouldn't have had to nominate someone to wait for Sjin to wake. Xephos and Honeydew had gone through a complex decision making process (paper-scissors-rock), and it was Xephos who had to wait, in a house without three walls, not doing anything, on a bedroll that rustled whenever he moved, while Honeydew could look at the information and have a head start in working out what went wrong. Fantastic.

Maybe Xephos should have insisted on Honeydew being the one to wait. But Honeydew might have twigged that something was up, and then everything would have turned into a great steaming heap of crap. No, it was better to wait for Sjin to wake up, then try could get all of Lalna to help pinpoint where their memories first separated. Besides, they were just setting up the computers. Even if he were there, he'd just be looking at blank screens while Purple worked the wires.

So. Waiting it was.

Xephos was lying on his back, hands behind his head. A faint buzz of crickets pressed at his ears, making Xephos actually _glad_ about how the Craggy Islands were devoid of any life but humans and pigs. Birds tweeting blocked out the crickets, occasionally, but never stuck around long enough for Xephos’s sanity to stop eroding. Sjin’s light breaths and the rustling of Xephos’s bedroll didn't help.

To try distract himself, Xephos had kept his eyes on the sky visible in a gap in the trees. He had watched as the sky dimmed, clouds painted with orange, and then as the rest of the sky was flooded with the sunset. Now even that was fading. Hopefully the damn crickets would go to sleep soon.

They hadn't shut up by the time the sky lost its colour and stars began to pop out.

Ok. Back to the old distraction.

Frustratingly, Xephos hadn't had enough time at the Magic Police memorise the data he had gotten from the scan of Lalna’s brain, but he had long enough to make a copy. He'd need to thank Sjin, once this was all over, for asking Honeydew to grab two of the cloaks there before going to PandaLabs. Honeydew hunting around upstairs gave Xephos enough time to copy the scan and encrypt it into the _Rim Hopper’s_ files.

Although, it was less of a scan and more of a snapshot. A still image. One that couldn't give him enough information to chart how Lalna’s head would be at certain points of time. Xephos, no matter what he did, would be working off information from the previous night. It was as good as going in blind.

If only they made the machine more portable. Maybe he could have moved it to the _Rim Hopper_ before they had to start flying and he could get another image.

Xephos stretched his neck. The pillow he had grabbed was flatter than the one he had at Hole Diggers.

From the snapshot Xephos had gotten, it looked like parts of Lalna’s brain was, for lack of a better word, overheating. Being over pressurized? Something like that. His head _had_ to be hurting.

Xephos had scanned people with that machine before, and usually he would see the physical brain with personality, subconscious, and a lot of other things layered over it. Xephos hadn't expected to see different layers of personality all pressing at one another and threatening to tear everything they touched apart, but he had. And now he had to come up with a way to fix it. Without any of the data gathered from countless scientists conducting immoral tests. Nope, he was doing it blind, and there would be no take twos.

This was a bad time to recall how most tests required countless numbers of lab rats before any progress was made, and most of the lab rats died.

Xephos shut his eyes, imagined the scan in front of him once again, and tried to figure out ways to stop the data twisting itself apart. Then, Xephos tried again. Then he tried again. And then he tried again.

Just like before, the data snapped itself in two. The part that Xephos thought was Green was the problem that time. Attempting to decrease the pressure caused them to shift to fill the space where the walls were supposed to be, then a shaft of data snapped like a rubberband and squarely hit Purple and Blue, destabilizing the fragile balance, and from there Xephos didn't bother imagining what came next.

He needed an actual computer. One that was capable of running clear simulations.

When Xephos opened his eyes, trying to contain a scream of frustration, not much time had passed. Night was progressing. The sky was dimming further and more stars were out. Light pollution was never as much as a problem as it had been back at Yoglabs, thanks to the small communities spread across hundreds of biomes--

Fabric shifted.

Xephos looked towards where Sjin had been left. The sound had definitely come from over there. But he could still be asleep and just shifting around. Xephos just had to wait and see.

Sjin’s had stopped breathing. Xephos had a split second to be alarmed before he was proved wrong as Sjin _did_ breathe. But it was different than the light, regular breaths Xephos had been listening to for the evening. These were deep breaths.

‘...Sjin?’ Xephos said, sitting up.

Sjin’s head moved.

‘...Xephos?’ Sjin said. His voice sounded hoarse.

‘Yeah. You've been asleep about nine hours.’

‘Oh.’ Sjin’s eyes opened and he sat up, cautiously glancing around. ‘Right. That's... that's, ok.’

‘You teleported us back just fine, by the way, and Honeydew did grab you and Purple’s cloaks. There were a lot so we might’ve gotten the wrong ones. Also, yes, we are at PandaLabs right now.’

‘I figured,’ Sjin said coldly.

Xephos folded his arms, pressing his mouth into a thin line. ‘Nine hours,’ he repeated. ‘Nine, _hours_. And if we count the time in the taint, that goes far off into the double digits. Explain.’

With an expression like a tiny puppy sitting on some train tracks in a tunnel with the train almost on top of them, Sjin’s gaze dropped to his arms. He turned them, looking at them from every angle, then flexed his fingers. ‘Well, it's taint,’ he said.

‘That's about as useful as saying _it's magic_.’

‘Well, it is magic. Bad magic. Do you see any purple on me?’

Xephos sighed. ‘No. We kept an eye on it on the trip over, and we couldn't find any bites.’

‘That's, that's good. Good.’ Sjin did not look relieved, and kept scanning his arms. ‘Seriously, Xeph, what happened in there?’

Xephos raised a hand and started ticking off items. ‘Let's see... we flew into the tainted land where everything was pitch black, thanks for warning us by the way.’

‘I know, I was _there_ for that part, I meant after--’

Xephos ignored him. ‘We could barely breathe, then we got attacked by taint, then you got bitten and we had to fight off the taint in a falling ship. Then Nano--’ _saved us with her portal gun_ ‘--landed the plane. We got out, got to the castle, got attacked again, then Lalna got the stuff. Then teleportation and you falling unconscious. We flew here, then waited for you to wake up. That good?’

Sjin was frowning. ‘How did Nano land the _Spruce Moose_? All the runes are coded to my soul. She shouldn't be able to work the majority of the controls.’

‘Is that really important right now?’ Xephos said irritably.

Sjin was silent for a moment, then nodded. He still was frowning.

‘Look, the others were trying to figure out that circle magic you and Blue did this morning. If you're sure you aren't going to fall over, you should probably come help,’ Xephos said.

‘...Which Lalna is it?’

‘Purple.’ Xephos paused. Sjin had no reaction, other than furrow his brow. ‘He lives here, with Nano.’

‘That one? _Fantastic_ ,’ Sjin said.

‘No knocking him out until he's Blue,’ Xephos said sharply.

Sjin scowled. ‘T-that’s, I wasn't thinking that, you assuming... shut up.’

‘Pff, _sure_ you weren't.’ Xephos stood up, collecting the bedroll and pillow. ‘Bring yours, there's only one stump and ferns to sit on over there.’ Xephos watched as Sjin stood and picked up the bedroll. The farmer was more unsteady than he would ever admit, that was for sure.

Once all the bedware was collected, Xephos led the way towards the clearing. Sjin was silent as they walked. His head was kept down, eyes never lifting higher than his knees.

‘...The yellow meranti are growing better, down at the farm,’ Xephos said.

‘Mm hm,’ Sjin said.

Xephos’s next sentence stalled. ‘It. One, one of them, some of them are taller than I am, did you know? And the pest free fence seems to be keeping the rats out of the chicken coop.’

One of the tree roots was a hook sticking out of the earth. Both stepped over without incident. Xephos did stumble when the root was a little higher than he expected, but didn't trip.

‘Uh, I was thinking. With all these extra seeds we've been getting, opening a new field will just temporarily solve the problem. Then, next harvest, we'll have even more seeds. So I was thinking, maybe we could make oil? Not, not _oil_ oil, but um, seed oil. For cooking, I think. But if we could make oil out of the seeds it would be good. We won't have to throw them out.’

Sjin shrugged. At least, Xephos thought he shrugged. It was hard to tell with both the walking and Sjin carrying unwieldy soft things.

‘And the chilli’s, they're _thriving_. They grow faster than the harvesters can, y’know. Harvest. So making proper oil, like legit oil, would be a massive help. For fuel.’

‘Mm hm.’

Xephos stopped talking.

Ahead of them, voices started to be heard through the curling vines and thick trunks.

‘Put that down! No, not there, just, put it back on the altar-- _not there_. Don't put it on the ground!’

A pause. Another voice reached Xephos, but the shape of words had been neatly clipped by the distance. Maybe he should have told Honeydew he wasn't planning on sleeping, but then he'd have had the dwarf trying to recount the data in a way that just wouldn't work. Nano’s voice rose again.

‘Just-- _ugh!_ Fine! Put it on the ground, just don't _stand_ on that-- I _literally_ just told you not to stand on that!’

Honeydew’s voice followed Nano’s. ‘Where am I ‘posed to put them then!?’

The moment he spotted the ruins between the trees Xephos sped up, ducking under his bedroll to avoid a branch whipping his hair. Sjin kept plodding along at the same slow pace, still staring at his own feet.

‘What's going on?’ Xephos said, dropping the bedroll in what looked like a clear space.

Nano had a flat stone in her hand. Several more were scattered about the clearing, only a few with chalk on them. Honeydew was on the side of the clearing, right next to the altar. The red cloth had been dislodged, and the items that were on it previously were gathered in Honeydew’s arms -- a polished skull, a candelabra without candles, and a golden chalice. Beside Honeydew’s foot was another of the flat stones.

‘Honeydew kicked the altar,’ Nano said flatly.

‘Oi, that's not what happened!’ Honeydew gave Xephos a pleading look. ‘One of her trees had eyes, and--’

‘They're just an ent!’

‘--it _waved_ at me, Xeph. You have no idea, it was standing right where you are and it _waved_.’

Small crunches of dirt underfoot let Xephos know that Sjin was catching up. ‘Look, just put the things back on the table and we can sort it out later. We've got bigger problems.’

Nano scowled, dropped the stone and chalk she'd been holding, and stormed to Honeydew’s side. ‘Give, just give it,’ she muttered. Nano straightened the red cloth and placed the candelabra in the centre.

 _Thump_.

Xephos jumped and looked towards the sound. Sjin was standing next to him, a bundle of bedding freshly dumped at his feet, and was glaring dead at Nano.

‘Sjin--’ Xephos began.

Sjin pushed past Xephos and marched towards the altar.

 _Damn._ ‘Sjin, wait--’

‘You're doing it wrong,’ Sjin said loudly. Nano started, turned her head, and flinched back when she saw who was standing behind her.

‘Finally decided to show up?’ Nano spat. She placed the skull on the right side of the altar.

Sjin’s expression didn't change. ‘You're doing this _wrong_ ,’ he repeated.

Xephos exchanged a bewildered glance with Honeydew.

‘Look, in case you haven't noticed, this is me and _Lalna’s_ home. So you can just shove--’

Nano placed the chalice on the altar’s left.

Sjin made a sound like a strangled animal. ‘That's it,’ he grumbled.

Honeydew slideled up to Xephos. ‘I've got Nano, you get Sjin?’

Before Xephos could respond, Sjin grabbed the three items on the altar.

‘You put those _back!_  Nano’s hand dropped to her waist. Xephos hadn't noticed before, but he could easily see the green-hilted sword now.

Sjin ignored her, carefully placing the items on the ground.

Nano bristled, moved to draw her sword, and Honeydew hugged and lifted her off the ground. ‘Put me _down!_ Put that back and put me down!’

Xephos watched as Sjin stripped the altar of the red cloth. He held it up.

‘Red fabric is draped over the white altar bench,’ Sjin said. His words were sharp. ‘The bench must be at least one point five by point five by point five, but it can be larger provided the fabric can cover the altar completely, leaving a five centimetre gap where the physical altar itself can be seen all around its base.’

Sjin threw the cloth over the altar and started to straighten it. ‘The material of the bench is irrelivant to almost all spells and rituals crafted around it, however, with rituals of a higher class, non-chinked natural stone has proven to be the best. Basalt, marble, and limestone cannot be used, and the stone should be white if the user is looking for a stable altar.’

Sjin finished straightening the cloth. Nano had her teeth clenched together, but when Honeydew carefully lowered her back to the ground she didn't charge at Sjin.

‘Next the various foci. The item of flame must be on the rightmost side of all other foci, right being from the user’s point of view when facing the altar from where the rituals will be preformed.’

Sjin placed the candelabra. ‘The item of flame draws magical energy into the altar via its fires. This is because fire is both alive and not. It toes the line between object and life, and in the cracks this line causes, magic can be drawn. Why is it on the right? Because when naming objects in a ritual in English you naturally read them from left to right. The item of flame is effectively the last you would name, thus magic will be drawn through all the active foci rather than entering the item of flame then stopping and starting as the remaining foci are named. Magic moves faster then word, after all. By having the item of flame the first to recieve magic, foul energies are additionally burnt away.’

_Seriously. Fuck magic, it makes no sense._

‘Now, an item of death must be placed opposite the item of fire.’ Sjin held up the skull. ‘A dead thing, again, toes the line between living and object. It was once alive, but it is now an object. Yet because an item of death is dead and not being alive and dead at once, magic has a harder time entering through it. Or exiting it. As magic has already been drawn into the altar by the object of fire, the object of death helps to keep the magic contained. It also strengthens the magic gathered, compresses it, and between it and the item of fire the magic swirls around inside the altar -- but that is a full course in itself to teach.’ Sjin dropped the skull.

‘Finally, we come to the redstone soup.’ Sjin spun the chalice around a finger, then placed it in the centre of the altar. ‘The container the soup is contained in does not matter so much, yet gold is agreed to be best. The soup, on the other hand, is vital and must be made exactly as specified in _Brews And Infusions_ by Drake Belladonna. Redstone soup combines redstone, a purely unmagical material, with several magical plants and items. The soup is essential to get magic back out of the altar and used in rituals, both stabalizing it and making sure it won't set your hair on fire. The amount of maic drawn from the altar is strictly relative to the amount of soup present.’

Sjin adjusted the items a few more times, then turned to directly face Nano. ‘And let's not forget, that since the amount of redstone soup in this chalice is _neligible_ , this altar is useless.’

There was a ringing silence. The crickets continued to shriek just low enough for Xephos to not be certain he was really hearing them. Sjin and Nano glared at one another.

‘...Lesson over,’ Sjin said.

Nano’s fists tightened, shaking. Without a word she turned and strode into the forest.

Her footsteps faded.

‘Well, that went well,’ Honeydew said, false cheer in his voice.

‘There is no way you can expect me to do anything with _her_ around,’ Sjin muttered. He glowered down at the few runes Nano had made. ‘What she needs to do is go to an actual academy instead of experimenting willy nilly. Probably wouldn't have gotten tainted if she did that.’

Xephos pressed a hand to his forehead. _Gods dammit, Sjin_ , he thought, stepping over to where Lalna had set up the computer. It was almost in the middle of the clearing, resting against a wall of the ruin. It looked like Lalna had already made a start in organising it.

‘Where’s Lalna?’ Xephos asked, scrolling through the data.

Honeydew had started picking up some sticks of chalk. ‘He went to get some food. He's still uh, the Lalna from here.’

Sjin tensed. ‘How long has that one been here?’

‘Several hours,’ Xephos said. He forced a smile. ‘Might be a good thing. His head might be getting stable.’

Of course, that wasn't true. But better to lie than cause a panic. Right? Right. Sjin, from the looks of his face, did not look convinced.

‘Speaking of Lalna,’ Honeydew said. He nodded up to the sky. ‘Is that his jetpack?’

‘...He has a jetpack. Of course he has a jetpack,’ Sjin said.

A faint roar rose and fell over the trees, and then cut off as it passed overhead. A branch rustled. Xephos jumped as Lalna landed right next to him.

‘Right,’ Lalna began. ‘We didn't have much ‘cause we’re usually only here every other week, but we had plenty of bread sa-- where’s Nano?’

‘She went that way,’ Xephos said, waving the way Nano had gone. ‘You're arranging these by date, Lalna?’

Lalna placed the box he'd been carrying beside the computer. Xephos glanced up and winced. Lalna was looking directly at Sjin.

‘...I'm guessing Nano’s not here ‘cause he is, right?’ Lalna said. His tone was neutral.

Sjin squared his shoulders. ‘It's not my fault she can't set up a proper altar,’ he said.

‘Yeah?’ Lalna’s gaze switched to looking over the altar, then returned to boreing a hole in between Sjin’s eyes. ‘And I suppose you wanted to act the “good person,” and show her how it was done?’

‘Something like that.’

Xephos raised a hand and grabbed onto the back of Lalna’s lab coat. ‘You can be passive agressive later,’ he said, tugging Lalna backwards. ‘Sjin, you work on the runes--’

Lalna twisted out of Xephos’s grip, stepping just outside of Xephos’s reach. ‘Pfft, “work on the runes?” I don't know if you've noticed, Xephos, but your whole plan here is shit!’

‘Lalna--’ Xephos said sternly.

‘That data isn't going to help us solve any-- _fucking_ \--thing, alright?’ Lalna strode out, closer to the altar and Sjin. ‘There's no _point_ in working out the spell to break our heads apart, because what the fuck are we going to do? We'll just have a bunch of old records that I _bet_ the others don't even remember, even they did only start existing after they were made! It doesn't matter that Nano and Sjin can't do shit, because we have, _nothing_ , nothing at all to go on!’

Why was Honeydew just standing there, watching? Xephos clenched his teeth, caught between wanting to shut Lalna up and go through all the data--

Honeydew was smiling. What?

Sjin looked like a dog about to lash out. ‘Well, fuck you! At least we'll have some people who _actually_ care about getting rid of you!’

Lalna laughed. ‘Oh, and how are you gonna do that? Eh? Do you know what runes to do, what stuff ya need?’

‘Yes, I do!’ Sjin snatched the chalk from a still smirking Honeydew and headed straight for the flat stones, knelt, and started drawing.

Lalna gave a satisfied nod, Honeydew mimicking him.

Xephos looked between the two, raising an eyebrow. He could have sworn he heard Lalna mutter _“sucker,”_ but that couldn't be right.

Lalna practically pranced back over to Xephos and picked up the box. ‘Anyway, we had plenty of bread stored for when we came back,’ Lalna said, as if he'd just shown up and nothing else had happened.

‘I, what? Were you--’

Honeydew and Lalna subtlely high fived one another. ‘We figured Sjin might need a poke to get started,’ Honeydew said with a grin.

‘Or a kick,’ Lalna said smugly. ‘Nano wanted to do the kicking, but we figured I'd have a better shot at it if I talked instead.’

Xephos looked over to Sjin. He'd already drawn three runes, scowling and stabbing at each stone as if each had personally wronged him.

‘Guys...’ Xephos said, trying for a disapproving tone. ‘Don't manipulate anyone else into doing things, alright? We have a truce--’

Lalna laughed. ‘Yeah, sure,’ he said, his dissmissive tone a sharp reminder that this _reallly_ wasn't the normal Lalna. ‘Like _Sjin_ wouldn't take the first oppertunity to stab us all in the back.’

‘He's my friend, Lalna,’ Xephos snapped.

Lalna rolled his eyes. ‘Aw yeah? Sure he is.’

‘He is. Did you seriously not know that? I'm at his farm half the time.’

‘Hm? Wait, you go to Sjin’s farm? I've never seen your spaceship or anything!’ Lalna said.

‘Hat Films has a thing, let's me commute without taking the _Rim Hopper_ all the time.’

Lalna had a strange look on his face, like the time Xephos had caught the version of him messing with the Vault while drunk. Lalna shook his head abruptly.

‘Food,’ he muttered, offering the basket to Honeydew. Lalna plucked a sandwich as Honeydew took it, who took one of his own and raised the basket to Xephos.

‘Thanks,’ Xephos said, then waved towards the computer. ‘Well, if Sjin’s going to be working on that, we need to sort out this data so all three versions of you can interpret it. You have weird acronyms and your layout is _atrocious_.’

Honeydew finished up a sandwich. ‘What is it s’posed to be?’ he said.

‘It's a record of all the experiments I've done,’ Lalna said tersely. ‘Experiments, machines, magic, every project I worked on is in here. Unless some of the data was corrupted, then some of it would be lost to the ether.’

‘Well, you better fix that shit,’ Honeydew said. ‘None of it makes any fupping sense.’ With that, Honeydew turned and headed to Sjin, who was prowling on the edge of the clearing.

Lalna sighed, grabbing for the computer’s controls and watched as information streamed. ‘I guess that your idea was to see what stuff my dopplegangers didn't remember, and use that to track down when they started existing?’

‘You think you're the original?’ Xephos said slowly.

Lalna raised his head from the screen. He made a face. ‘Course I'm the _real_ Lalna!’ he said after a pause. ‘ _I_ can remember all of this crap, plus I never left my home. Until nagas killed it and taint got everywhere, but that's from circumstance rather than prancing off.’

Xephos swallowed, trying to keep misgivings from appearing on his face.

Abruptly Lalna switched his gaze to the screen again. ‘It doesn't matter anyway,’ he muttered.

 _What would I trade to see exactly what's going on in all of your head,_ Xephos thought tiredly. ‘Yeah, we’re trying to work out where you _split_ , and you'll all have the same memories up to a point. The real question is fi--’

Footsteps interrupted Xephos. Both by the computer looked up, eyes landing on Nano who had appeared at the edge of the clearing. She had something in her hands, but it was too dark to see it properly.

‘Uh oh,’ Xephos said. He stepped forward, only for Lalna to grab his arm. ‘Lalna, what the--?’

Lalna had a look of deadly focus. ‘Wait,’ he whispered.

‘I know you want Sjin maimed at least, but we kinda need him--’

‘Wha-- she isn't going to maim him!’

Nano squared her shoulders, then purposely strode towards Sjin.

‘Let go of my arm!’

‘Just _let_ her _do_ whatever, alright?’

Xephos and Lalna’s hissed conversation came to an abrupt halt as Nano reached Sjin. She cleared her throat.

Sjin looked up and flinched. He straightened upright, and Xephos could see he had his wand out. Shit, shit, Lalna _had_ to let go. Xephos could just rip his arm free, but at the same time Lalna might do something drastic if Xephos didn't stay put, _damn_.

Nano shut her eyes, breathed in, and held her hand out. ‘Is this enough redstone soup?’ she asked.

Sjin, with obvious caution, took what Xephos could now identify as a bottle and studied it. ‘...Looks a good amount,’ he said. He grimaced. ‘It's, it's got a good consistancy too. Well made. Where did you get this?’

‘It's one of the only bottles that didn't get smashed when you attacked me.’ Nano almost growled the last few words, then cleared her throat. ‘I made that about... a week ago.’

Sjin’s eyebrows raised, and he raised the bottle to eye level. He squinted.

‘It's still potent,’ he said in surprise.

‘Course it is. Potions don't go not potent, that's pretty much in the name.’

‘Really?’ Sjin lowered the bottle and gave Nano an apraising glance. He nodded. ‘That's strange. Useful, but still weird. Do you know how to embue magic into a rune?’

It was Nano’s turn to stare. ‘You don't, you don't put magic into runes before you do a ritual. They explode if you try that.’

‘Learnt from experience?’

‘I had books, but mostly yes.’

‘Right.’ Sjin offered Nano a stick of chalk. ‘We'll need about a dozen more of these ones that look like a ram’s head. We might need more stones--’

‘I've got hundreds in PandaLabs,’ Nano said. She plucked the chalk and grabbed another stone. ‘When we do this, we lay all the stones out last, that way if it starts raining we can set up a temporary canvas in the corner.’

‘Yeah, that would be best. We should check over each other’s runes as well, ditch the ones that are too disimilar.’

‘I’m sure that there’s a chapter filled with runes in my book too, we could check against that.’

Xephos slowly looked to Lalna. ‘...Was this part of your plan?’ he said.

Lalna shook his head, looking like someone had slapped him with a fish. ‘No. Did you smack me over the head?’

‘No.’

‘This, ok.’ Lalna belatantly let go of Xephos’s arm. ‘Should we just work on the computer and maybe the world will go back to normal?’

Xephos forced his gaze back to the screen. ‘Isn't it good they're not arguing?’

‘Yes, it's _good_ , it doesn't mean that it isn't _really_ weird. Nano _hates_ Sjin. I...’ Lalna trailed off, scrubbing a hand at his eye. ‘Fuck that, Honeydew’s watching them so I'm just going to work.’

'Agreed.’

* * *

 

‘Lalna, we need you!’

Nano’s cheerful call cut through the mild haze Xephos had been in. Lalna too looked startled, typing coming to a halt.

He twisted to frown over at Nano. ‘What d’ya need me for? Are you two done?’

‘Didn't it take less time for Sjin to set up before?’ Xephos said, thinking back. It felt like a full hour had passed, but when Sjin made the first one it only took twenty or so minutes.

Nano skipped over to Xephos’s side and half perched on the side of the computer. ‘We ran into a few problems,’ she replied in a business-like tone. ‘Lalna can't do magic being the main one.’

Lalna opened his mouth, Nano halting him with a well timed poke to the nose. An impressive feat, considering the difference in their respective heights.

‘No, you don't know how to do this type of magic, that blaze powder thing doesn't count,’ she said sweetly, then yelped and whipped her hand away as Lalna poked his tongue out.

‘Ok, ok, why is that a problem?’ Xephos said.

‘Well, the first time the splitty thing happened, the other one cast a spell to set it all off. Since Lalna doesn't know the spell--’

‘Ah, I get it.’ Lalna scowled. ‘You have to teach me the spell, make it so Robey mcDressing Gown shows up, or rearrange the whole thing entirely.’

Nano nodded, briefly meeting Xephos’s gaze. ‘Teaching you the actual spell is too tricky, and considering how many times a ritual has blown up in _my_ face, I agree with Sjin.’

‘Wait, wait. Nano.’ Lalna gave her a wide-eyed stare. ‘Repeat that for me.’

‘Shut up,’ Nano said.

‘That was _nothing_ like what you said!’

‘Anyway! I told Sjin that smacking you over the head or hitting you with a knockout spell would be a bad idea, so you’re welcome.’

‘You’re welcome,’ Lalna parroted. ‘So you had to rearrange everything?’

‘Yup. We're using my altar, plus Sjin’s pre-charged a few of the runes so it'll be easier later on, plus we had to draw a lot more runes than before.’ Nano clapped her hands together. ‘The bonus is that we could make the circles cover the entire clearing, so you'll have more space to move around.’

‘Yeah, alright. Alright. What do you need me for then?’ Lalna glanced over to where Sjin was, still drawing runes onto the rocks. It looked like Honeydew had been roped into it as well.

Nano screwed up her nose. ‘You aren't going to like this,’ she warned.

Lalna’s shoulders dropped into a slouch. ‘Just tell me.’

‘...You uh, you're going to need to wear the other Lalna’s dressing gown,’ Nano mumbled.

‘What?!’

Lalna’s shout was loud enough, and sudden enough, to startle Sjin. Xephos saw the farmer open his mouth to yell back, but Honeydew dropped the empty basket over his head before he got a word out.

‘But, _no!_ No, I am _not_ wearing that, no!’

‘Believe me, I don't want to see _you_ wearing that thing again, but apparently it actually has a use -- apart from looking ugly,’ Nano said. ‘You can always change back afterwards.’

Xephos thought for a second. 'Oh, Sjin mentioned this,’ he said. ‘Don't those cloaks had special magic things in them?’

Lalna groaned, burying his head in his hands. ‘I do _not_ want to get changed in the forest.’

‘Honeydew said there are some extras that they brought over, but Sjin wants the one we've got back.’ Nano drummed against the computer. ‘I think he thinks we're trying to steal it.’

‘Yessss, they should still be in the Rim Hopper.’ Xephos stretched and stood up. ‘Should I go grab them?’

‘Hm... isn't your ship still in the lake?’ Nano said curiously.

'Oh. I'd better go... fix, better go fix that. Can I park her into one of your clearings?’ Xephos said.

‘That would be best.’ Nano poked Lalna with her foot. ‘In the meantime, me and you are getting the dressing gown.’

‘But I don't wanna wear the dressing gown!’

‘Yeah well, the sooner we can split you up the sooner you can punch Blue in the face, so don't you whine at me.’

As Nano started carrolling Lalna away, Xephos waved and caught Honeydew’s attention. He then obviously put his earpiece on, activating it with a simple button press.

‘Honeydew’s got my number if you need me. Moving the _Rim Hopper_ may take some time,’ Xephos called to Nano.

‘We'll give you a yell when we're ready to go,’ Nano said, pushing a still-protesting Lalna in front of her.

Xephos set off. He immediately wished he'd had the foresight to get a torch.

Despite the tour Nano had given him -- which he had only kept half a mind on, more focused on finding an excuse for a long period of silence that wouldn't alert Honeydew -- Xephos found the forest at night to be a wholly different and unknown creature.

For starters, the moonlight seemed to vanish in an instant.

Xephos swallowed. ‘Oh boy.’

‘ _You didn't get lost already, did you?’_ Honeydew’s voice crackled.

‘No, it's just very dark,’ Xephos said.

 _‘Oh, right. Um, just keep following that path then, that one goes right to the beach I think._ ’

‘That would be more helpful if I could see the path,’ Xephos said under his breath, inching his way forward. He kept a hand outstretched in front of him, finding tree bark appearing before him between one step and the next.

 _‘Yeah well, maybe these guys should add some lights._ ’ Honeydew paused. ‘ _Yeah, it's pitch black in there, so Xephos_ \--’

‘Tell Sjin to _never_ go out here at night,’ Xephos said, carefully finding the path again. There was brush at knee level, so as long as he didn't step beyond that he'd be fine.

Honeydew repeated Xephos, then said, _‘He says he already knew that.’_

‘Well, the beach isn't far from here.’ Xephos straightened his back. ‘You just focus on the ritual spell whatever, I'll get the _Rim Hopper_ out of the water.’

_‘We both know what you're doing, Xeph.’_

‘Yeah well, maybe I wanted to remind you to stop chatting to me and get your shit done.’

 _‘Alright then, grumpy!_ ’

Xephos smiled, stopped as a bush brushed against his legs, and kept following the path.

The earpiece crackled back to life.

 _‘Are you alright, mate?’_ Honeydew’s voice was quite low pitched. Xephos probably wouldn't have heard it if Honeydew wasn't speaking right into his ear.

‘Well, I haven't tripped over and died,’ Xephos said flippantly.

_‘You know what I meant.’_

‘I'm fine.’

_‘Isn't that Xephos-talk for “I’m really not fine in some way please help now”?’_

Xephos sighed. ‘What am I supposed to say? Our friend’s head is pretty badly damaged.’

_‘Yeah, but it's not like when he was chokin’ on the moon. We've got a plan on what to do, we've ideas on how to fix this, and we don't even have a time limit. All things considered, if this wasn't Lalna this would be easy to take care of. Yet you're acting like he is back on the moon, ‘cept less yelling. What's eatin’ you?’_

‘Well, it is our friend who’s in this whole mess,’ Xephos said carefully. ‘And we don't know for sure if it's fixable or not.’

_‘Yeah but... I think I said this before, but we don't have ta fix this.’_

‘Yes we do,’ Xephos said automatically. He could see faint light ahead of him now.

 _‘Lalna’s been like this for years though. If he was fine before, he'll be fine now._ ’

‘Hold on, Honeydew, I'm at the _Rim Hopper_ ,’ Xephos said quickly. ‘Water looks higher, so I'll have to mute the mic and stop it from getting soaked.’

There was a pause.

 _‘Yeah, sure, alright,’_ Honeydew said cheerfully. _‘We really need to upgrade these things. Oh, also, don't crash her.’_

‘I wouldn't dream of it.’

Xephos turned the earpiece off and pocketed it, walking across the beach to the _Rim Hopper_. The ship was right where they left her, which meant now that it was low tide she was a lot higher in the air.

It was awkward, frantically leaping and latching onto the ship’s hull like a spider, but after a few leaps Xephos managed to get a study grip beside the door. Once there, all Xephos had to do was press a button and the door slid open.

Xephos did not put the earpiece back on.

Instead he shut the door, covered his face with his hands, and groaned.

‘Why can't things just be simple?’ he said.

Well, he only had a little while before Honeydew would start wondering. A little while was long enough to look over the files and think of a solution.

Hopefully, it would be one where Lalna was unharmed by the end.

* * *

 

‘...I think that's everything,’ Nano said slowly. She flipped back a few pages in her book. ‘All the runes look good, and they're all equal distances apart....’

‘I've charged the achoring runes too.’ Sjin glanced to the path towards PandaLabs. ‘What's taking Lalna so long?’

‘He's being fussy,’ Nano lied. Thank gods the original colour of the robes was unaffected by the dye remover Lalna had found. And thank gods Sjin hadn't yet decided to go poke around over there, or he'd have bumped into a certain blue rimmed portal embedded into a tree.

‘And what's taking Xephos so long!’ Sjin continued.

Honeydew tapped his earpiece. ‘He's not been responding for the last half hour,’ he reported.

'Well....’ Nano scrambled for thought. ‘This is a magic forest, could be there's interference.’

Honeydew looked doubtful. ‘How likely is it that he got lost--?’

As he spoke, they heard a startled yelp in the distance, followed by a rapid clatter of hooves. Across the clearing came an almighty crash and a burst of a rainbow pelt. The creature was only visable for a moment before it vanished back into the trees, leaving a staggering Xephos in its wake.

Nano grinned, cupping her hands around her mouth. ‘Thanks, Ramsy!’ she yelled.

Xephos, looking quite stunned, stood up and brushed dirt off of his pants. ‘Sorry, sorry, I got a bit lost,’ he said.

Sjin barked a laugh, Honeydew muttering, ‘For gods _sake,_ Xephos....’

‘Is this a bad time?’

Lalna was standing just in the treeline, arms folded. He had the stupid blue robe back on, which had no trace of the red dye in it. Obvious discomfort was all over his face and posture.

‘Right on time.’ Honeydew looked across to Nano. ‘Right?’

‘Yeah, we're done,’ Sjin said. ‘Come here, you know what you need to do?’

Lalna scowled. ‘I stand in the middle, you cast your spell thing, and then we start sorting out all of this shit.’

As Lalna stepped out of the trees and headed for the middle of the circle, Sjin cleared his throat.

‘That's not _quite_ right,’ Sjin said.

‘So what are you doing then?’ Xephos said. He'd crossed the clearing and now was stood next to Nano, a pile of fabric in his arms. It looked the same material as the cloaks Sjin and Lalna now wore -- both blue snd silvery.

Sjin waved towards the circle. ‘We had the idea--’

‘ _I_ had the idea,’ Nano said sharply.

‘ _She_ had the idea,’ Sjin corrected himself.

Nano smirked at him. ‘Which was that since Lalna can't leave the circle he gets put in--’

‘--why not just make the circles overlap to the point where they're on top of one another?’

‘Hey--! I wanted to say that!’

‘Tough, I did it first!’ Sjin said, finishing his sentence with a poked out tongue.

‘You little--!’

Honeydew cleared his throat. ‘Yes, yes, I'm sure you both did great. Can we get to the point?’

‘Right.’ Sjin plucked out his wand and pointed it vaguely at one of the runes. ‘See, the way Lalna did this spell--’

Lalna raised his hand. ‘Oh! Oh! I have a question, Mister Sjin!’

‘--is that he'd power it--’

‘Sjin! Sj~in!!’

‘--all him-- fine, fine! What is it!’

Lalna had a familair expression on his face. The one he always pulled when he thought he was being funny -- one carefully blank and innocent seeming to anyone that had a rock for their ability to sense being the butt of a joke. Not Nano, in other words. ‘Sjin, Sjin! I don't remember casting any spells!’

‘Argh... _my_ Lalna. Happy?’

‘Very,’ Lalna and Nano said as one.

Hand to his face, Xephos said, ‘You were saying, Sjin?’

‘ _My_ Lalna--’ Sjin shot a glare at Lalna ‘--or I would power this spell completely on our own. The person we want to split apart stands in the middle, and _then_ fills the runes with magic _and_ casts the spell. Obviously, we can't do that.’

‘Why no--’ Lalna began.

‘Because you'll blow us up,’ Sjin snapped.

‘Oh. Yeeeeah, that's a decent reason.’

Sjin deliberately walked to where he could face the rest of the group and keep his back to Lalna. ‘ _Anyway!_ Because _this_ Lalna can't cast the spell on his own, we needed to put in some substitutions, like the altar and the ritual elements instead of a straight-up runic structure--’

‘So I just get to sit in the middle while you two get things done, right?’ Lalna said.

Sjin had his teeth pressed together. ‘No, you need to set the ritual off.’

‘So what, I need to press a button, or just step on one of these runes?’

‘Lalna, please don't stand on any of them!’ Nano said.

‘I wasn't gonna.’

Sjin _definantly_ was reaching the end of his teather. Nano quickly stepled forward, recalling what Sjin said earlier.

‘Lalna, you basically need to shoot the middle rune, with magic,’ she said. ‘So long as you're standing next to it, and you're the one providing the magic, everything should work out fine.’

Lalna looked uneasy. ‘How do you know?’

‘We don't. But it shouldn't explode,’ Nano said.

‘Great.’ Lalna frowned down at the rune. ‘So, how exactly am I meant to shoot magic? Can what's his name, Blue, wave his hands and make magic happen?’ 

‘You use his wand,’ Sjin grumbled, rolling his eyes.

Lalna raised an eyebrow. ‘Kinda need you to give me it first.’

Sjin’s eyes widened, immediatly spinning to face Lalna. ‘Wait, isn't it in your pocket?’ he said.

‘This thing has pockets?’ Lalna barely got the sentence out before Sjin leapt forward and started searching Lalna. ‘Hey-- get the fuck off! Get--’

Sjin stepped back, triumphantly holding the wand aloft. ‘There.’

Lalna gave it a sideways glance, then down at the cloak. ‘How the fuck did that get there?’ he wondered.

‘Look, nevermind that, let's just get this done.’ Sjin stuffed the wand into Lalna’s hand and then pushed him back into the mjddle of the massive circle. ‘Everyone, out of the runes, _now_.’

Xephos immediately moved backwards, Honeydew following suit. Nano hesitated, but fell back to the treeline as well.

‘Hey, wait, I don't know how to use this!’ Lalna said, holding the wand as far away from him as he could manage. ‘And it feels _really_ weird holding this!’

Sjin looked up towards the night sky, turned, and headed back into the middle of the circle. ‘You're holding it the wrong way round,’ he said, prompting Lalna to frantically scramble to change his grip. ‘Aim upwards for me, ok good.’

Nano bit her lip. Lalna looked so _wrong_ , holding a wand. So wrong. He looked just like yesterday, when Blue came calling.

‘Ok, general rule, do _not_ point that at anything you care about,’ Sjin was saying. ‘It's a dangerous weap-- _don't point that at me!_ ’

Lalna chuckled, then pointed the wand back up into the night sky. ‘So, what do I do?’ he said.

‘If _I_ could cast this for you, _so_ help me--!’ Sjin raised his own wand, pointing upwards. ‘We don't have time to find a field, so we're stuck brusing a tree or two. Imagine a firework.’

‘...Yeah, ok. Now what.’

Sjin cooly glared Lalna’s way, and then a thin burst of white light shot upwards and burst above the treeline. The _bang_ was exactly like a firework.

‘We need to get you to do that,’ Sjin said. ‘Uh, picture that one of the leaves up there is, I dunno--’

‘Your face?’

‘...That actually might work, yeah, picture my face. Now try to blow it up.’

‘Your teaching methods are weird.’

Nano smirked. ‘Told you so!’ she called to Sjin.

‘Just blow the sky up,’ Sjin snarled.

Lalna looked up. ‘...Hm. I think--’

A blindingly bright splash of light shot upwards, Lalna falling backwards as it snapped up. It disappeared from sight, rocketing up too fast to track.

‘ _Ow!_ What the _fuck!_ ’ Lalna had dropped the wand, seized his wrist, and his face was screwed up. ‘The _fuck!?_ ’

Nano skidded to a stop right outside the runes. ‘You alright?!’

‘Apart from my hand feeling like an icebox? No! I feel like shit!’ Lalna wrung his hand out and glared at Sjin, who was standing right where he had been, not looking fazed at all. ‘You knew that was going to happen, didn't you?’ Lalna growled.

Sjin shrugged. ‘I thought it might.’

‘Fucking _hell_ , and I have to do that to the ground?!’ Lalna grimaced. ‘Yeah, _fuck_ that, I'd prefer being knocked out than doing that again.’

Nano’s gaze flicked to Xephos, who looked tense.

‘No, no that's good. You don't need any precision for this. Just point and shoot, and the ritual should do the rest.’ Sjin bent and picked up the other Lalna’s wand. ‘We might need to worry about you loading too much magic into the runes, but rituals tend to be more stable than plain runes, so it might be fine--’

‘Do we have _any_ other option?’ Lalna moaned.

‘Not really,’ Xephos said. ‘Sjin spent over an hour setting it up like this, we don't have time to try another.’

‘Come on, Lalna. It's just _magic_. Didn't you say you wanted to try some?’ Nano pleaded.

‘I wanted to try _your_ magic,’ Lalna said crossly. ‘The _cool_ magic, not all this freezing your skin off magic. Fine, where do I aim?’

Sjin pointed at the golden rune in the centre of the circle. ‘There. Wait for me to leave, please.’

Lalna’s nod was jerky. As Sjin jumped over the runes and stopped beside Honeydew, Lalna started pacing around the gold rune.

‘So... do you guys know if this hurts?’ he said. ‘I mean, I got a lungful of purple smoke and that stuff sucked, but since I'm casting it, will it hurt?’

Nano thought back. Back to how Blue had cast the spell and the runes had shifted colour, then to Blue turning with a triumphant expression. Which had abruptly stiffened, then vanished under the sudden plumes of smoke.

She shrugged, not trusting her voice.

‘It shouldn't hurt you anymore than it hurts other casters,’ Sjin said.

Xephos edged further away from the runes. ‘Do we have a plan for if something goes wrong?’

‘Teleport,’ Sjin said simply.

‘You mean the spell that completely wipes you out?’ Honeydew said.

‘Well... I could leave all of you behind if you're more worried about _my_ health.’

Honeydew raised his hands. ‘Alright, fine, that works.’

Lalna stopped pacing. He already had the wand mostly aimed at the rune. ‘What if I blow my feet off? Or, or this spell just kills me?’

‘I was watching Sjin the whole time,’ Nano said. ‘It's not supposed to do that.’

‘Since when did things do what they're supposed to,’ Lalna grumbled. He had his eyes shut. ‘Ok, here we go.’

There was a pause. The birds in the forest were half asleep, the trees above rustling faintly.

Nano covered her own eyes.

A sudden burst of light lashed out, bright enough to turn night into day. Bright enough to almost blind Nano, even with her eyes under her palms. When she dropped them and looked, the circle of runes had all changed colour -- purple, green, and blue -- and Lalna stood in the centre.

He put the wand back into a pocket. ‘Don't want _that_ to get thrown around,’ he said, then turned to face the four outside. ‘So, how long would it ta--’

Lalna froze. An instant later the runes _detonated_ , thick smoke pouring into the air, just as it had done the first time. Nano instinctively staggered backwards, foot catching against a tree root.

She could see shapes in the fog, three familiar shapes, and three familiar voices she wished was alone.

 

 


	11. Phobetor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is chapter 3 of 6 published today (19/12/2017).

Lalna really did have rubbish luck. He could barely breathe, smoke was in the air, and he felt like a freight train had done a hit and run on his skull.

 _Did the castle collapse?_ Lalna carefully got to his feet, arm over his mouth to try block out the green smoke surrounding him. He did a double take. _Oh. This again._

Sure enough, he could hear the other “hims,” coughing up a storm. _If they could make this again, it must have been... Blue, who woke up after me. Crap, does this mean we didn't get the files off of the computer?_

The smoke was already thinning, and out of a patch of purple fog, another Lalna took shape. The other Lalna locked eyes with him, marched forward, and grabbed Lalna by the neck of the robes.

‘Which are you?’ the other said roughly.

‘Green, the Hole Diggers one!’ Lalna squeaked. The other Lalna nodded, let go, and disappeared. Lalna almost fell back over onto the dirt. Great, more dirt, at least this isn't tainted.

Across the smoke, Lalna heard something that sounded an awful lot like someone getting punched in the face.

‘What the _hell--!’_

‘If you lay a fucking _finger_ on Nano--!’

‘--get off of me!’

‘--I swear, loose teeth will be the _least_ of your worries--’

‘Oi! Both of you, that's _enough!_ ’ Honeydew’s voice split the air like a gunshot, silencing both the other Lalnas.

The circle looked completely different, at least to Lalna. No longer did it look like a venn diagram. Instead, there looked to be one circle that was three runes thick, with an equal mix of green, blue, and purple between them. Similarly, the smoke that was being blown away by a faint breeze was a mix of the three colours.

Dead (hopefully not literally) in the middle of the circle was their body, as still and lifeless as before. Lalna averted his eyes, a small headache growing.

The other two Lalnas were standing right beside one another. One was cupping his mouth with his hand, grimacing, while the other was holding his hand with a pleased expression. Honeydew, standing between them, looked Lalna’s way.

‘We're all here then?’ he said.

‘I was _hoping_ not to wake up with this _idiot_ in my face,’ the grimacing Lalna said. Lalna glanced him up and down. He looked comfortable in the robes. He had to be Blue. ‘What the hell did you _do_? Wasn't it morning?’

 _Huh. He_ **_didn't_ ** _wake up after me._

‘We've had a bit of an adventure,’ Xephos said. ‘Purple, you seriously didn't agree to wear those robes _just_ so you could punch Blue, did you?’

Purple had wide eyes. ‘I will not tell a lie. Speaking of, ta me my lab coat would you, Nano?’

‘Urgh. Anyway!’ Xephos waved towards the middle of the circle. ‘We've gotten some information that should help us work out why you're like this.’

Blue glanced at Sjin. ‘...What kind?’

‘Broke into your castle, got some things from the computer there,’ Sjin said quickly.

‘You did _what?!’_

‘Nevermind that, we've got shit to do,’ Purple said cheerfully. Before Lalna could blink Purple was next to him. ‘Come on, computer, let's do this,’ he said, giving Lalna a nudge.

Near the middle of the clearing was a bulky, unsophisticated computer. Lalna wrinkled his nose, but followed as the group all collected around the screen.

‘So, knocking me out went ok?’ Lalna said, directing his question towards Sjin.

‘Yes,’ Sjin said, not looking at him.

‘Wait, you knocked him out?’ Nano said. She exchanged a wide-eyed look with Purple.

‘I couldn't get past the firewall,’ Lalna said.

Purple grinned. ‘The password was “Tech-It,” just so you know. With the “E,” as a three,’ he said, shrugging out of the robe. He had a purple t-shirt on underneath, although _why_ he had indulged in the colour coordination was beyond Lalna.

‘Really? Damn.’

‘At least we know you didn't just fall unconscious,’ Xephos said quietly.

‘No, seriously, you knocked him out?’ Nano said to Sjin. Her hands were bunched into fists, like an angry shrew. Lalna rolled his eyes, focusing on the computer. It looked like an assortment of projects he'd been working on. They felt like a lifetime ago.

Sjin spluttered. ‘He, _he_ told me to!’

‘Nano, leave it. What's done is done,’ Xephos snapped. Lalna spared a second to frown at his friend, then returned his attention to the screen. Xephos looked like he hadn't slept in a week.

Nano virtually _growled_ , figuratively lowering her hackles as Purple placed a hand on her shoulder. She kept glaring at Sjin though, and Lalna too now that he was paying attention. Gah, fluxy-eye glare is _not_ something Lalna wants pointed at him again.

‘So, what are we doing,’ Lalna said quickly, more to divert the subject than get an answer.

Purple puffed his chest. ‘I've been sorting everything I worked on back at the castle. Course, _I_ remember doing all of this, so putting it in order was easy. All we need to do is work out when you two showed up in my head.’

Blue’s eyes narrowed, but he didn't speak. Lalna scowled as well.

 **_My_ ** _head, thank you very much,_ Lalna thought.

‘How long’s that gonna take?’ Honeydew said.

‘Erm... hm. Depends how good your memories are. The screen only displays so much, so it's all sorted onto different pages and only five or so logs are on each page, so--’

Honeydew cut Purple off. ‘So, it'll take ages. Right?’

Purple leaned into Nano a bit, arm resting on her shoulder. ‘I dunno, it depends. I could guesstimate it after we've started--’

‘No, no, we are _not_ doing that.’ Honeydew stretched, his spine audibly popping. ‘Look, we've been up since before fucking dawn, alright? It's gotta be nearly ten, we need to sleep.’

‘But--’ Purple began.

‘Nope! You three are all Lalna, which means you all try for all nighters that end in you breaking something and almost blowing yourself up. Nano, Sjin, do yours do that?’

Both Purple and Blue started protesting.

‘Absolutely _not_ \--’

‘You can't say--’

‘--am _nothing_ like an absentminded civilian--’

‘--just the same as him, that's not fair--’

Lalna just kept scowling, directing it towards a stern-faced Honeydew. Meanwhile, Sjin and Nano were exchanging glances and-- _oh gods, don't you two dare--_

‘Yup,’ Nano said.

‘Mine does that,’ Sjin agreed.

‘Lalna almost blew up a nuke he'd been working on and nearly took out our base.’

‘My one invented _Starfall_ while sleep deprived, andsmashed our things.’

Blue and Purple’s sentences stumbled to a halt, both staring at their companions.

‘Oh, and he nearly overloaded our old computer too,’ Nano added, smiling brightly.

Sjin smirked. ‘He once “reorganized,” our chests, and forgot to do the same with the labels--’

Blue was searching his pockets. ‘Sjin, stop it! Just-- why! Stop!’

‘So, all in favour of calling it a day?’ Honeydew said, raising his own hand.

Lalna crossed his arms. ‘Come on, two out of three of us are _unconscious_ when the other is doing shit, doesn't that count as sleeping?’

As Lalna spoke, Nano and Sjin had both put up their hands.

‘Oh, so _now_ you're ok with voting?’ Lalna muttered, eyeing Nano.

Xephos sighed. ‘Ok, right. Sleep. Sjin, how long will this spell last?’

‘A lot longer than the last one,’ Sjin said. ‘It's being fueled by all the creepy trees so it won't shut off randomly in the night. So long as you three don't cross over the runes, the spell should hold.’

‘And if it doesn't?’ Purple said quickly. ‘Then, we'll be back to square one, so wouldn't it be better if--’

Sjin’s posture seemed to stiffen, like he'd been poked by a ghost. ‘If it _does_ shut off somehow, we can recast it,’ Sjin said slowly.

‘Great. Can we go to sleep now? It's been a long day,’ Honeydew said.

Pressing his teeth together, Lalna looked up and met the eyes of his copies. Purple huffed and raised his gaze to the night sky. Blue folded his arms, glanced at Lalna, and then adjusted how his arms were crossed.

Lalna’s head turned between the pair of them.

‘Argh, fine!’ Lalna threw his hands in the air. ‘Fine! _I'll_ fucking sleep, and I call dibs on that mat over there.’ Lalna punctuated the last sentence by waving at a bedroll leaning just outside the circles.

Nano nudged Purple playfully and almost skipped her way to fetch the bedroll. ‘Xephos, can I borrow you to help get some more?’ she called, kicking the bedroll back over the runes.

Lalna grabbed the bedroll before any of the others could move. He gave them a smug smile, turned, and started looking for a clear patch of grass. Sjin looked stunned, head twisting between where the bedroll had been and where it was.

‘Uh, sure. Honeydew, stay here and make sure....’ Xephos mumbled the last part of his sentence to Honeydew, too quiet for Lalna to hear. Honeydew waved Xephos off, and that seemed to be the end of the matter.

‘Nano! Can you grab me some hot chocolate too?’ Purple yelled.

‘You can make your own bloody chocolate when we're done with this!’

‘Aww, but I want it now!’

Lalna grinned and plonked the bedroll down, then sat on it.

Nano and Xephos were swallowed by the forest. Purple gave the place where they’d been a cheeky wave, then turned back to the computer.

‘Ok, while we wait-- Lalna, what are you doing?’ Honeydew said.

Lalna looked up, and he saw the other two’s heads turn as well.

‘...Looking through the computer?’ Blue said icily.

Honeydew grimaced. ‘No, not... _Green_ , what are you doing?’

It took Lalna a moment to realise who Honeydew was talking to. ‘Oh. I'm... resting?’

‘Right... Sjin, are we able to make a campfire?’

Lalna’s back straightened.

For a second Sjin floundered under the stares of three Lalnas and a Honeydew. ‘It should be fine? So long as we don't burn down the forest, that is.’

‘We should have asked Nano to bring some marshmallows,’ Purple said.

Blue raised an eyebrow. ‘You have marshmallows,’ he said flatly.

‘Well.’ Purple rubbed the back of his neck. ‘I don't _think_ we do. We might. I don't know for sure.’

‘So you don't.’

‘I didn't say that.’

‘Purple,’ Honeydew said. ‘This is _Nano’s_ forest, right? Think she'll be ok with us setting up a fire?’

‘Why don't you ask her?’ Purple said.

Honeydew rolled his eyes. ‘Xephos didn't put his fucking earpiece back on.’

Lalna facepalmed. ‘Ugh, seriously? Again? When this is over can we glue it into his ear, because _seriously,_ what's the point of having it?'

Sjin had stepped out of the runes, tossing loose branches back inside. ‘So, are we making a campfire or not? It's freezing, guys.’

Lalna laughed. ‘It's not _that_ cold,’ he said.

Honeydew gave Lalna a strange look, then turned to face Purple. Purple glanced around the circle.

‘We could put it um, somewhere between the ruins,’ he said. ‘So long as we keep it away from the computers, the trees, and our b-- uh, you know, it won't burn anything important.’

Blue had a hand in his pocket. ‘We could always spell it to not burn outside where we put it.’

‘Ah, no, I don't think you should try casting any spells,’ Sjin said. ‘I'll do it.’

‘Yeah, agreed. Purple, can you point us to where the fire should go?’

Blue searched his pockets for a minute longer, scowled, and turned to glare at the computer screen.

Lalna leaned back and watched as Purple poked around the huge circle. Lalna hadn't noticed before, but embedded in a lot of the ground were what looked like rotting wood and cracked bricks. At one “side,” of the circle there was a bit that looked like a wall, except tipped over.

In fact, only the edges were truly clear of the rubble. Lalna looked behind him and sure enough, the edge of the circle was right there. Lalna paused for a second, checked that Honeydew and Sjin were fully distracted, and made to move his hand above a rune.

Just like the first time, there was a faint wall he pressed against. Once again there was a faint ripple in the air, one that followed his hand as Lalna traced the edge. It was a lot like water: colourless, and easy to distort.

Lalna lowered his hand and the air cleared. Once the ripples were gone, he found himself staring into the dark forest.

...Were those eyes?

Uneasy, Lalna gathered up the bedroll. There had to be at least one clear spot that was closer to the middle. Lalna stood, turned, and for a second looked towards the computer.

Blue was there, staring dead at Lalna.

Lalna froze.

Blue’s expression seemed to tighten, before he looked back to the computer. When his gaze passed, Lalna felt like he'd put down a sack of heavy duty wire.

 _The hell was he glaring at me for? Gods, he better not be sleeping near me_ , Lalna thought.

_He better not come near me._

‘We're back~!’

Nano’s voice was startlingly loud, and she practically vaulted out of the darkness back into the circle. Xephos was slower, more subdued, and immediately dropped the bedrolls the second he could.

‘No, we don't have hot chocolate,’ Nano said to Purple. ‘But I brought the next best thing!’

‘Yeah?’

‘Bedding. Come on, we need to move these rocks.’

Purple’s pout was picture worthy.

‘I'll help,’ Lalna said, placing his bedroll on a vaguely clear patch. ‘Where are we putting the rocks?’

* * *

_Holy_ **_crap_ ** _these bedrolls suck._

Lalna rolled over again, ending up on his back. Dammit, why the hell couldn't he just _sleep_.

Nearby, the fire crackled faintly. Sjin had done some weird magic stuff to it, so it _appparently_ wouldn't burn things. Just shed heat and light. Which, considering they were sleeping in a really weird forest, was a good thing.

_Another good thing is how it's not cold. Thank gods for small “miracles,” wouldn't you agree?_

Lalna grimaced and rolled over again.

‘Can't sleep?’ a voice said next to him.

Lalna nodded. ‘You having any better luck?’

Nano, who’d ended between himself and Purple, rolled onto her stomach. ‘Nah. Too many thoughts, you now how it is.’

‘What about Purple?’

Nano craned her neck. ‘He looks asleep to me. He's a good faker though, so who knows.’

Huh. ‘Why would he bother with that?’

‘He keeps sneaking off to work on his machines in the middle of the night. Ugh, worst brother ever.’

‘I could never pull that off,’ Lalna said. ‘Xeph and Honeydew know me too well. They'd keep cracking jokes and eventually they'd get me to laugh or smile, and then they know I'm awake.’

‘I've tried that. He might not look it, but he's got a pretty good poker face.’

‘...I look the same as him.’

Nano looked right at Lalna, neither of her eyes blinking. Lalna couldn't keep meeting her gaze, instead looking past her to the campfire and back.

‘...No, you're more twitchy than my Lalna,’ Nano said in a conversational tone.

‘Twitchy.’ Lalna scowled, sitting up to try give his statements more weight. ‘I'm not _twitchy_ ’

‘I mean, compared to what I know.’ Nano broke eye contact and sat up as well, cupping her arms around her knees. ‘Sorry, it's just, this is _really_ weird.’

‘Yessss, I’d agree with that. I mean, there are _two_ other versions of _me_.’ Lalna half looked to where Blue was, all the way on the other side of the rock-free zone. ‘Feels a bit like a nightmare.’

‘Especially that part,’ Nano said, head tilting towards the middle of the circle. Lalna didn't need to look to know what she was referring to.

‘I _know_ , it’s so creepy.’ Lalna shivered. ‘You've noticed that it doesn't even _breathe_ , right?’

‘Yeah. One of the more spooky things I've seen.’ Nano bit her lip. ‘I know it's dumb, but I keep thinking it's going to turn into a zombie and do uh, zombie things.’

‘...Why did you say that. Gah, now I'm _never_ going to get any sleep.’

 _It's just a body, Lalna. It can't_ **_really_ ** _hurt you._

‘Well, if it does turn into a zombie, I'm portaling out of here,’ Nano said.

‘Oh, could I take a look at that?’ Lalna said on a whim. ‘It's just, I haven't really looked at a _proper_ portal gun before.’

Nano looked at him like he'd turned into a fish. ‘You, you had built heaps of them before I showed up.’

‘Well, yes. True.’ Lalna grinned sheepishly. ‘But the ones _I've_ made only have two buttons. And I was wondering how um, how Purple set it up to shrink and open a portal at a preset location.’

Nano looked over to where Blue and Sjin were and nodded. She unhooked a little oblong shape from her side and passed it over. Lalna took it carefully. It was a lot heavier than it looked.

‘There's a little panel you can press,’ Nano said.

Lalna turned it, spotted the panel, and poked it. The shape unfolded at the speed of a pop-up tent, and Lalna would have dropped it if his hand hadn't somehow found its way to the grip.

The weight didn't change, but it made a lot more sense.

Lalna whistled lowly, lifting it over his head and peering at the underside. ‘Purple built this?’

‘Well, he walked me through building it,’ Nano said. She grinned. ‘I did most of the... “fiddly,” parts.’

‘This is pretty cool,’ Lalna said, eyes on the gun. Out the corner of his eye, he noticed Nano’s grin die. Was it something he said? ‘I recognise most of the specs, but there are points of improvement. An inertia damper, for one, one you can switch on and off.’

‘Oh, me and Lalna wear long fall boots for that,’ Nano said. ‘I couldn't find Lalna’s though, so you'll have to wait until morning to have a look at mine.’

‘Aw, that sucks. Hm. There's no button to help lift things?’

‘No? What's that?’

Lalna turned the gun backwards and showed Nano the handle. ‘See the middle button?’

‘Yeah, that's the home button.’

‘In the old design, that would send out a small field of... it'll take too long to explain, but it would be able to carry heavy stuff.’

Nano snorted, then pushed the gun so the barrel wasn't facing Lalna’s chest. ‘Sounds... kinda boring, really.’

‘Yeah, well... have you tried carrying this _and_ a generator at the same time? W-without making the gun small,’ Lalna hastily added.

‘Well, I _can_ make the gun smaller, so I wouldn't bother.’

With a sigh, Lalna turned the gun back around. ‘How do I shrink it?’

‘Button by your pinky.’

Lalna pressed it, and the portal gun compressed itself so quickly that Lalna had afterimages burned in his gaze.

He passed it back to Nano, who yawned.

‘Sleep now?’ she said.

‘Yes, that would be good. Night.’

‘Night,’ Nano said. As they laid back on their respective bedrolls Lalna hear her mutter, ‘You're alright.’

There was a brief silence.

‘L--Purple, off the computer,’ Xephos mumbled.

‘Wha? How’d you know, you're on the opposite side of the--’

‘The screen’s pretty bright and it turned on. It was obvious.’

The screen clicked off.

* * *

 

Despite the surprisingly nice chat, Lalna found himself still sleepless. Or maybe he had slept, but it was so brief he didn't even notice. Great.

Click. _Click_ click _click._

 _Maybe being unconscious_ ** _did_ ** _count as sleep_ , Lalna thought. _It's a stretch, but who knows? This is weird brain and maybe magic stuff. Anything’s possible_.

Click _clicky click_ click. Click _click._

From the breathing around him, everyone else was asleep. Lucky. Lalna folded his hands under his head, inwardly cursing as the _gods damn_ cloak caught at his arms. He scowled, focused on a shimmer of light against a nearby tree, and tried to sleep.

Click.

Fuck. Lalna felt even more alert. And what the hell was that clicking?!

Lalna rolled onto his stomach and sat up, almost immediately spotting how the computer’s screen was lit up. Lalna spared a few moments to somewhat fold the blankets Xephos had thrown at him, then made his way over.

Behind the screen, shoulders hunched, was Purple. His hair was in familiar disarray, like he'd been running his hand through it in frustration. He was violently stabbing the keyboard, which was the source of the faint clicking. Blue was next to him, looking like a smug cat sitting in the sunshine.

‘--just, _stop it_ ,’ Purple hashly whispered as Lalna approached. ‘You don't-- Green?’

Lalna stopped, then covered his face with his hand. ‘Did you two both stay awake so you can work on this?’ he said.

Both of them glanced towards the sleepers; Purple towards Nano and Blue towards Sjin.

‘Noooo?’

‘Absolutely not.’

‘I was awake before him anyway.’

‘You kept waking Xephos up, and would have again if I didn't turn the bloody screen around.’

‘Yeah, but that was cheating.’

‘Che-- how is it cheating! It's _smart_ , and we didn't get caught--’

Lalna cleared his throat, cutting off Blue’s whisper. ‘You could still get caught. I can just wake the others up right now, and then they might just move the computer _outside_ the runes.’

Blue and Purple both scowled. Lalna tried not to shiver at how identical they looked, barring the clothes.

‘So budge up. I haven't been able to look at it yet.’

Blue obligingly stepped to one side, letting Lalna fit in to peer at the screen. It looked like they were looking at a log about his experimental elevator blowing up and almost burning half his face off.

‘Wasn't this only a little after I finished the castle?’ Lalna said.

‘Ok, that's three for three in remembering that,’ Purple muttered. He typed a quick string of code, switching the screen to an empty page for a second. ‘Give me a sec, I'll just date it and label it.’

‘Why the fuck aren't these already dated?’ Blue muttered. ‘I'm sure they used to be dated--’

‘They _were_ dated, thank you, but Green’s memory stick caused all the files to switch to alphabetical and then when it went onto _here_ it couldn't read any of the titles. Which, I _might_ add, were the parts with the _dates,_ so shut up,’ Purple snapped.

‘...No chance to recover them?’ Lalna asked.

Purple finished typing and practically swatted the keyboard. ‘Nope! Now could you two shut _up_ so we can get this done!’

Lalna looked up at Blue. ‘How much have you worked out so far?’

Blue looked thoughtful. ‘Purple claims he remembers all of these files, which I doubt--’

‘I swear, I will punch you again.’

‘--and we're fairly certain he split off of me around the flux sphere, since I left the castle around then and he didn't.’

‘Or, _you_ split off of _me_ , there's no proof either way, Blue!’

Lalna chuckled. ‘That, that does not sound like me at all. You're saying you ran off with the big ball of dangerous flux behind you?’

‘It was stable. I had no reason to assume anything would happen to it,’ Blue said calmly.

‘Still, running away from the dangerous thing isn't what I’d do,’ Lalna said.

‘Well, you aren't me. _I'm_ me, and this _me_ wanted to learn magic. I wasn’t going to get another chance, so I went for it. The only reason why me and Sjin were even put over here was because Dave took our old house.’ Blue scowled like a spider had crawled onto his arm, but the moment passed so fast Lalna wasn't sure if he actually saw it.

Lalna rolled his eyes. ‘ _Magic_ , of course. I've been wanting to ask you that, actually, why the fuck are you part of the _magic_ police?’

Blue waved at the screen. ‘Do you two remember cheating physics with blaze powder?’

‘Yup. Not the most exciting experiment I've done,’ Lalna said.

‘It was kinda interesting,’ Purple objected. ‘I mean, that was the first bit of magic I pulled off. Take one rod, break down to powder. Powder plus condenser plus time equals reformed blaze rod plus half of it again, break rods into powder, same equation results in more rods, rinse and repeat until there is sufficient numbers to convert into a diamond. Fun times.’

‘You mean _boring_ times. Give me a digital miner and the same time it took to make one diamond that way, and I'll have enough to _bathe_ in,’ Lalna said dismissively.

'Are you _kidding_ me?’ Blue was staring at Lalna. ‘I broke, _we_ broke physics and the laws of matter! How could you _not_ want to do more of that?’

Lalna shrugged. ‘ _Magic_ , in case you haven't noticed, is impossible to innovate in. There's all those regulations, and all of those rules that sound like they were made by a five year old who thought singing and dancing would solve all their problems. You can't do anything without the magic police showing up, so I've never bothered. Science is more fun anyway.’

‘Oh _please_. Science, science is boring as fuck compared to magic.’

‘Whoa, hang on.’ Purple turned around to join Lalna in staring at Blue. ‘I get what you both said about magic, but magic isn't any better than science. They're just different ways of doing the same thing.’

‘Yeah, working along the same cookie cutter lines to do the exact same things over and over, real fun,’ Blue said dryly.

'At least science doesn't _make_ you slowly kill yourself to do it,’ Lalna said.

‘Oh for the _love_ of-- we are not doing this!’

Purple’s voice rang through the clearing, halting the three. Almost as one, they looked over the sleepers. Lalna breathed easy as nothing happened. Not even their body, lying between the sleepers and the computer, moved an inch.

Purple lowered his voice back to a whisper. ‘I swear, if you two decide to re-enact the bombing of Blackrock, I will track down Rythian's grave and  _bury_ you with him!'

'Don't even joke about that,' Lalna said. He shivered. 'You know that Magic Police came to the Jaffa Factory to investigate us, don't you? Saying stuff like that might get us sued."

'You were investigated for the bombings?' Blue asked.

'Well, yeah? Sjin worked for us and he'd been arrested for Tee's kidnapping just before. Made sense they'd look into Honeydew's employees. They should've looked at Sips, I think. If Sjin did dodgy stuff, they should have looked at _his_ employer,' Lalna said bitterly.

'I don't remember that either,' Purple said. 'Can we get back to this now?' He gestured at the computer. 

Blue nodded. ‘All we need to do is find the later files,’ Blue said. He smirked at Purple. ‘Surely, you can't be that incompetent.’

Purple’s hands fisted, then returned to typing. ‘Ok, Shut up, Blue. New file, either of you remember this?’

Lalna scanned over it. ‘That's day... seven? Seven, yes, of setting up the reactor sphere.’

‘I remember that,’ Blue said. ‘Fluxy, what about you?’

‘I _told_ you, I remember all of these.’

Lalna frowned. ‘No, wait, don't close that file,’ he said. He pointed at the screen, not touching. ‘See there, at the bottom, I don't remember _that._ ’

Both Purple and Blue peered at the single line Lalna pointed at.

‘...“Discontinued, currently I am refitting the sphere for node containment,” you don't remember that?’ Purple said.

‘I remember putting the nodes into the sphere... I don't remember writing that though,’ Lalna said, gaze fixed to the single line under the familiar text. ‘That, that's weird.’

Lalna crossed his arms, almost hugging himself.

‘...Question, how many nodes were in the sphere?’ Blue abruptly said.

‘Oh, it was about....’

Something in Lalna’s brain seemed to stall. He blinked several times, not really seeing the screen in front of him anymore. His head felt heavy.

‘It's um, it's right on the tip of my tongue.’ Lalna ran a hand through his hair, attention fully facing inward. ‘Um. No, I don't know.’

Blue smirked at the screen. ‘So, Green wasn't the first to show up, glad that’s confirmed. Purple are you going to put that on your list?’

‘N-- hang on.’ Lalna tried to find something to say. ‘All, I remember the inquiry and you don't. That--'

'--Just means it happened afterwards,' Blue said dismissively. 'Or when you appeared you took the memory. _We_ both remember, you don't, which means you aren't the original. Simple.’ Blue gave Lalna a bland smile. ‘Now all that we need to do is confirm that Purple’s the same, and we can get on with fixing my head.’

Lalna almost took a bite out of his tongue. ‘Shut up, before I punch you,’ he said.

‘ _T_ _hank_ you! I'll hold him down for you,’ Purple snarled. ‘Fuck’s _sake_ , Blue, stop leaping down our throats and claiming shit. I stayed at the castle, I could always call _that_ as proof _I_ was first. Plus, if we went by skill, both of you just focus on one thing, while I've _recently_ done both science and magic.’

‘Uh huh.’ Blue did not looked impressed. ‘You know that since you don't have a license, everything you've done with magic is illegal, right?’

‘Well, if you have a license, I have one. So that's a null point,’ Purple said. He grinned, all teeth and no joy. ‘ _G_ _reen_ could do magic if he wanted.’

Lalna rubbed a hand against his forehead. ‘...How about no,’ he muttered.

‘Eh, I'd let Green borrow my license over you. At least he hasn't lured a child into a castle and used her for fluxy experiments.’

Purple stopped typing again. More than that -- he went completely rigid. Something in the air seemed to sharpen, and Lalna found himself tensing.

‘What the _fuck_ are you talking about,’ Purple said slowly.

Blue shrugged, wearing a carefree smile. ‘Well, think about it. That's really what you did, and if you hadn't brought that girl into your castle, she’d probably have gone back to Sjin’s farm and lived a normal, flux-free life.’

 _Oh no, we are not doing_ **_this_ ** _either_. 'Blue? Stop it, let's just focus on--’

‘No, _fuck_ that,’ Purple growled, standing straight. He would have knocked the computer over if it wasn't as heavy as several anvils, and Purple directly faced Blue. ‘I was a _damn_ better mentor than Sjin ever could have been, alright! Do you know what Sjin taught her? Some rubbish about farming, and that's _it_. Not how to smith a weapon, or how to deal with people, or anything to do with survival outside of his _fucking_ farm! And yeah, I've made mistakes--’

‘And one of those turned her into a monster.’

Purple shoved both hands at Blue’s chest, sending the policeman staggering a few steps. Lalna couldn't think. _Fuck_ , if this came to blows then how would that mess with his brain!

‘You take that _back,_ ’ Purple hissed. His voice was still pitched low enough that nobody would wake up. ‘Nano is _not_ a monster, she just has a bit of flux on her, and I'm going to fix that so you fucking _take that back!_ ’

Blue raised his hands. ‘Alright. _Nano_ is not a monster.’

The only warning Lalna had was a sudden smirk on Blue’s face.

‘She’s just the _flux_ buddy of one,’ Blue said. He drew out the word “flux,” rolling the sound around his mouth and lingering around the implication, and kept _grinning_ as he said it.

This time, there was not a magic barrier present to prevent Purple from launching himself at Blue.

In a motion that was weirdly graceful for someone wearing a dress that looked far too big, Blue fell back under Purple’s tackle. Blue, on his back, kicked upward as Purple fell past him, sending Purple flying from the speed of his own dive plus the sudden shove. In the same motion, Blue kept going and rolled back up to his feet, looking unruffled from the attempted attack.

‘Was that the best you could do, _flux_ buddy?’ Blue said, still in a whisper bit loud enough for all three Lalnas to hear.

Purple came to a stop next to their body, then slowly got back into a crouch.

With a jolt, Lalna registered that Blue had his wand out. When the fuck did Blue get his wand!? Their body was _right_ there, if Blue tried to hit Purple with a spell, hell, if _Purple_ realised there was an easy shortcut in getting Blue to shut up....

Purple seemed to realise his position just as Lalna did, and reached for the body--

‘ _Don't_ \--’ Lalna whispered, automatically stepping forward.

\--and cleanly drew a sword from its side.

Lalna didn't bother feeling relieved. ‘Both of you, put the weapons _down_ \--!’

Purple’s face was contorted. His shoulders were partially hunched, his head down, and he was ready to charge at any second. It was not the look of a man prepared to listen to reason, but he hadn't attacked yet, so maybe--?

 _And what will you do if they do start to fight?_ a thought muttered.

Lalna raised his hands and stepped between the two copies. ‘Look, today _sucked,_ we're tired, we're stuck in a situation we don't like with _people_ we don't like, but it's not going to get fixed by beating ourselves up about it. So, let's just put, the weapons, _down._ ’

Purple’s sword dipped. The weight of Blue’s cloak was uncomfortably present across Lalna’s shoulders.

Blue coughed. Lalna glanced his way, and for a second saw that Blue had stepped to one side, wand pointing the way he had stepped.

Right at Nano.

Lalna’s skin went cold, and he ducked.

He was just in time. Purple leapt over Lalna, his sword reflecting the light if the monitor. Then Purple slammed like a freight train into Blue. A bark of laughter -- Blue’s laughter, not Lalna’s, regardless of how similar they sounded -- hit the air. Footsteps cracked into the ground, Blue easily ducked under Purple’s first swing, then they passed out of the light cast by the screen and the fire and became a confusing tangle of limbs in the dark, with only the occasional blip of blue magic lighting the fight.

Lalna scrabbled backwards, away from the copies of himself. He could only catch glimpses of the fight; light glinting off of the sword, a quick burst of magic, and the soft scuff of fists. The most terrifying part was how quiet the two were. It was as if they wanted to slaughter the other so badly that they didn't dare wake the others.

To be fair, Lalna didn't want to wake them either. He just wanted to run, hang the consequences. So he kept retreating, silent, quick, just get to the edge of the circle and lie down and pretend none of this was happening--

Lalna’s hand touched flesh.

He stifled a yelp, nearly swatting his own corpse in panic. No, wait, this was good, and good was good. He could get both himself and his body out of the crossfire, and then everything would be _fine_. Keeping himself low to the ground, Lalna grabbed his body and hoisted it up, almost falling flat on his face from the dead weight.

The light of the monitor and the embers of the fire were Lalna’s guides, and he stumbled over to where everyone else slept. He almost made it too.

Out the corner of Lalna’s eye, a bolt of blue magic zapped out. He didn't have a chance to duck, and it _smacked_ into his ribs like a mallet, like a punch of fire, like a hand had reached out and snapped his ribs in two.

Lalna had no idea what he did with his mouth, but he couldn't keep upright. He fell, trying to curl around the sudden spark of sheer _fire_ along his sides. The ground wasn't flat. It was bumpy and  receding, screaming and shouting, hissing and snarling.

Hasily, Lalna spotted Nano sit up, blinking groggily then snapping to awareness.

‘Lalna?!’ she yelped.

Lalna wrenched his focus away from _ow oh gods how why ow_ , to trying to make it _stop_. He pressed a hand to his side, wincing as it seemed to spark in pain. His ribs _felt_ intact, from the shape of them, but then why did it _hurt_?

Through half closed eyes, Lalna could see faint blue sparks snapping in and out of his clothing, right around where it hurt. Lalna shook his head, trying to clear the fog of pain, trying to _focus_ on staying alive.

Xephos’s voice: ‘That's enough, _enough!_ Honeydew, get that sword off of him!’

‘Don't you fucking _dare!_ ’ one of the Lalna’s snarled. It sounded the _same_ , just the _same_ as Lalna, and why couldn't it have been different? Why, why did these insane _copies_ have to be just the same as him?

Lalna wrenched open his eyes, landing on Nano. She was standing some few feet in front of him, facing away, staring at the whirlwind of limbs and light across the circle.

‘I...I don't know which...’ Lalna heard her say.

_Run._

Lalna tried to stand, dizziness nearly knocking him back down to his knees again. The pain in his side was fading along with the sparks, but the pain was still there.

 _You have to run_.

On his feet. Lalna kept a hand wrapped around his side, as if that would help him in any way. His corpse was at his feet, right there, looking like a ragdoll thrown from a roof.

 _One of them will_ _kill_ _the other, and what do you think will happen next?_

Lalna grabbed it again, pulling it up and bundling it in his arms, over his back. Nano didn't seem to notice, attention locked towards the fight. She still had the portal gun at her side.

 _They will come for you. And you are_ _unarmed_ _._

Blue’s expression was fixed in a grimace. He kept dodging Xephos, neatly sending out spells to intercept both Xephos and Honeydew. Blue didn't seem to be that fussed about how Purple was almost on top of him, sword flailing at him and _cracking_ into his limbs. Was that a burst of blue light, whenever Purple hit his mark?

 _They will_ _kill_ _you. And even if they were_ _beaten_ _, you will still_ _die_ _._

Purple’s face was filled with rage. He didn't seem to notice how Blue was shielding himself, didn't even seem to notice how Honeydew was trying to pull him away. A burst of magic _snapped_ at his ankle and he nearly fell, but he kept up. Purple refused to fall.

 _What you are will_ _die_ _. You will be a_ _warped_ _amalgamation of yourself and these_ _killers_ _._

Lalna couldn't breathe. The pain had faded, but he _couldn't breathe_ , because this circle was far too small, because at any second Blue or Purple would strike true, and then they would find a brand new target that shared the same name.

 _For the rest of your life, you will be_ _fighting_ _._

No, he didn't want to fight them. He'd _lose_. He didn't have anything to defend himself with, no sword, no wand, not even his mining laser. And there were no weapons inside the circle, nor on his corpse that he still had a hold of.

 _Fighting_ _for your sanity._ _Fighting_ _for your ability to think._

Sjin was there with the group too. He had his wand out, a white spell building on the tip. Nano was still there, still in front of Lalna, still locked in place just like he was.

 _But you will_ _lose_ _, and you will_ _die_ _._

He didn't want to die. _Gods_ , he had things to do. He can't just die from the attack of a mad copy -- he wasn't. He was _Lalna_ , and _Lalna_ was not going to die here and now. There had to be a way out of this, he just had to _think_.

 _The only escape is to run_.

Lalna’s gaze landed on the portal gun again.

 _The only way to save yourself is to run_.

No, he couldn't do that. Lalna tried to think, tried to think outside the burning haze. There had to be something else, some idea that wasn't suicidal.

 _You have to run. You will run_.

Lalna adjusted his grip on his body, stepped to right behind Nano, angled things just right. _What am I doing?_ Lalna thought numbly, but the thought died almost immediately.

‘Sorry, Nano,’ Lalna said.

**_RUN!_ **

Lalna moved. A free hand easily unhooked the portal gun from Nano’s side, even as she turned around, mouth open and face furrowed in confusion. Before she could work out what he'd done, Lalna lashed out. He was in just the right spot, and he kicked as hard as he could.

It was enough. Nano went flying, falling backwards, stumbling to stay on her feet, and she crashed right into one of the Lalnas. He didn't pause to check which.

Gun in hand, quick expand, Lalna held the familiar weight. Eyes were turning his way, but Lalna was _not_ staying, he was _not_ going to die. With quick movement he fired two portals -- one by his feet and one just outside the circle, and he flung himself and his body forward.

Gravity spiraled around him. He almost dropped his corpse, but somehow landed, somehow stayed on his feet and kept corpse and gun in hand.

He still couldn't breathe. He was _out_ , he was fucking free, why couldn't he _breathe?!_

Lalna looked down. Next to him were the runes, flashing oddly. Purple, then green, then blue, then red, and even looking at it made Lalna dizzy.

‘Green, what are you doing!?’

The movement in the circle had stopped. The glow of the portals were casting more faint light, enough to make the figures turn black from the difference in light. Lalna stepped back, towards the forest, away from the _copies_.

The figures were approaching, slow, cautious. One of them raised an arm.

‘Green, put the body down,’ Xephos’s voice said. Lalna couldn't tell which of the shapes it was. They were all the same though, weren't they? They wanted to kill him, they wanted to erase who he was and replace him, or just _kill_ and _kill_.

‘Lalna... can you hear me?’ Xephos sounded concerned. Ha. Yeah, right, he was just like Blue, Purple, all of them, they all wanted him _dead_.

The arm was still up. It was still _pointing_ Lalna’s way and it was Blue, it had to be, he wanted to _kill_ him and take all of his life and that was _not happening_.

Lalna couldn't breathe.

The shadows were moving closer.

They were getting closer.

Lalna slowly turned the gun again. Slow, slow, not fast enough to be noticed.

‘I... you.’ Lalna swallowed. His throat was a steel bar. He was choking. ‘S-stay, stay back.’

One shadow stepped closer, hands raised, palms facing him. ‘G-- _Lalna_. It's ok, we aren't going to--’

Lalna fired the gun. The portal in the circle blinked out of existence and Lalna dropped back down into the portal by his feet. Then again, and again, portal after portal without any logic or meaning except for _run._

The firelight and the monitor’s light vanished. There were just trees, trees that were _exactly_ as suffocating as the runes and the circles. They loomed overhead. They didn't care for the little things at their feet. They blotted out the stars and looked all the same and it felt like Lalna wasn't going anywhere.

Light. Starlight. A clear path and a clearing. Lalna ran into it, skidding to a halt and listening hard.

A subtle roar. That had to be a jetpack.

Shouting. Three voices, minimum. They were after him then.

 _Xephos and Honeydew wouldn't--_ Lalna started to think.

Lalna shook his head. They would. They'd do the “right thing,” and in this case it would be taking down the loose cannon and then “fixing,” him. As if he needed to be _fixed_.

He had to get out. Lalna swallowed, swaying under his body’s weight. It was cutting into his shoulder and pushing his feet into the ground.

The voices were getting closer. Lalna raised his head, blinking blankly at what was in the clearing.

‘Huh,’ he said. ‘That's lucky.’

Lalna trudged forward, latched a hand to the door of the _Rimhopper_ , and swung the shuttle’s door open. All the systems were off, it looked like. And it was tiny. But it was fast, and he could get _out_ of this forest.

Lalna dropped the body inside and latched the door shut. It only took a few minutes to boot everything up, and from the looks of the cameras whoever had the jetpack was looking in the completely wrong direction. By the time Lalna took off, only a few minutes had passed since he'd left the circle.

The _Rimhopper_ rumbled under him. She pushed herself off the ground, up and up and over the bloody forest.

The faint glow of the jetpack turned in the distance.

Lalna grimaced, slammed the controls forward, and felt the g-forces pull as the ship _flew_.

He'd gotten out.

Lalna’s head hurt.

 

 


	12. Pallas Athena

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is chapter 4 of 6 published today (19/12/2017).

Self defence.

It wasn't a phrase Lalna was fond of, yet it kept showing up in his job. _“Oh no, sir, I didn't_ **_mean_ ** _to kill him with a ritual that takes seven hours to fully charge, sir, it was all a mistake, it was just in self-_ ** _fucking_** _-defence.”_

Gods, sometimes Lalna wished criminals would at least be smart enough to realise how _stupid_ they sounded. _“An answer to the charge of violent crime,”_ does _not_ mean _“say this and you'll be let off with a pat on the head and a lollipop.”_ You'd think that at least one of them would realise that for that claim to be accepted, there needed to be at least a _little_ evidence of the victim attacking them.

Such as a witness. Or a record of the victim being prone to violence. Both of which Lalna had access to, even if it left bile in his throat thinking about it. Who knew that idle musing over how to _commit_ a crime would have helped him out?

Now if Lalna could just _hit_ the slippery _copy_ instead of the grass before anyone woke up, things would be great. He didn't spend over an hour goading Purple to back out now. Lalna was committed to creating a corpse of himself. Purple wasn't supposed to exist anyway, right? It _was not_ murder, it _wasn't_.

Lalna ducked under Purple’s sword and fired a _Troll_ , and once again it missed. It splattered harmlessly against the black trees. Step back, let the shield _snap_ over his skin, and the sword glanced off of Lalna’s arm.

 _Right, that's it._ **_Crucify_** _!_

The sharp heat of the spell spat down Lalna’s arm and put his wand. The blue needle of light missed again -- _seriously?!_ \-- and shot off into the dark--

Oh, Green got hit. Lalna would have winced in sympathy if he had the time. But it was fine. Green wasn't supposed to exist either, so it was _fine_ if he was collateral. Argh, he really didn't need a headache right then and there. Green would be fine. _Crucify_ only caused pain anyway.

Lalna aimed again, jerking back from the sword slash an inch from his face. Purple was _fast_ , but surely he'd hit him. Lalna was _good_ at hitting moving targets--

'Lalna!?’

_Oh, damn._

Lalna fell back under Purple’s advance and switched his spells. The moment was over, the chance had passed, and he _really_ shouldn't feel relieved over it. _Disappointed,_ that was how he felt. Not relief, especially since he'd have to lie through his teeth about self defence.

Out the corners of his eyes Lalna could see shadows drawing close. _Fuck_ , Sjin, if he spotted the _Crucify_ on Green then Lalna would never get another chance to put the world back to normal.

Ok. Distraction. Lalna could do that.

Xephos skidded forward, and Lalna easily dodged him. ‘That's enough, _enough!_ Honeydew, get that sword off of him!’ Xephos yelled over his shoulder, then went for Lalna’s arm.

‘Don't you fucking _dare!_ ’ Purple snarled. Lalna couldn't help but agree with him. It. The _copy_. It didn't matter; so long as Purple kept trying to hit Lalna, his lie would be safe.

 _Come at me then!_ Lalna thought. Duck, dodge, _Troll_ , a few trip jinxes for Xephos and it looked like Honeydew didn't have any luck in grabbing Purple either. Sidestep, fall back, slip _just_ out of Xephos’s grip, fall back as Purple lunged out past Honeydew, past Xephos, and let him squarely strike at a shielded shoulder-- _fucking hell_ that thing hurts.

So did his head, come to think of it. Lalna dived to one side, directly behind Purple, and a needle bright spell slammed right into Purple’s leg. Purple staggered, leg buckling for just a moment.

 _That'll teach you_ , Lalna thought, then slammed his shoulder into his copy for good measure. Purple gave way under him, and neatly interposed his sword _right_ where Lalna would end up. Lalna jerked out of the way, nearly tripping on a sudden stone out of nowhere, and--

Xephos caught onto his wrist.

‘Let _go!_ ’ Lalna yelped. Xephos grip was like iron, and he wrenched Lalna’s wand from his hand. Likewise, Honeydew had his arms wrapped around Purple’s waist and had him held a foot above the ground.

‘Stop it, just, _fucking stop!_ ’ Xephos snarled. ‘This is _not_ helping--!’

Purple slammed a foot into Honeydew’s chest. The dwarf audible went _ooph,_ doubling over a bit, and _shit shit shit let go Xephos--_

Lalna jerked his hand forwards and back, enough to slide out of Xephos’s grip like it was covered in oil or butter. Purple was _pissed_ , quite understandably, and Lalna _really_ didn't want another sword to the arm, _especially_ sans-shield.

Purple fell upon him, and all Lalna could do was kick and punch and squirm. So he did. His head jarred against the ground, back feeling like an elephant had kicked it, but Lalna managed to get them rolling sideways. Thank gods, Purple seemed to have lost his sword.

A fist came flying out of nowhere and Lalna’s head jerked back from the force. His sight swam. His face stung. It crawled like little beetles were worming their way into his skin. Then again, and again, and holy _hell_ fuck a buckeroo the sky was spinning.

White light, and someone yelped.

‘Purple, stop it, _Purple step away from him!_ ’

‘ _Stop that!_ Get this the _fuck_ off me!’

‘Get off my _friend_!’

Lalna kicked out blindly, grinning as Purple cried out. Lalna jackknifed then sprang fully upright. Sprawled on the ground was Purple, a white half-orb around one hand that locked him to the ground.

‘Tha--’ Lalna began, then something smashed into him.

It was almost like when the Queen had shot at him with a bazooka. There was a press at his chest, a sudden sensation like flying, and then Lalna was on his back with miscoloured blooms in his sight.

‘Uggggh,’ he heard someone say, right by him. Female. Did the Queen seriously throw herself to defend her _King_? Lalna shoved her off of him and looked back the way she'd come from.

_Green? What the he--_

Lalna had focused right in time to see Green... fall into the earth? Lalna blinked and shook his head, sitting upright, and a few metres from where Green had vanished he reappeared, like he'd bounced up from a trampoline under the ground.

‘Green, what are you doing!?’ Purple yelled. The white orb had snapped out of reality -- Sjin must have gotten badly distracted, fuck -- and the copy was on his two feet, staring at Green.

Lalna frowned. Green’s back was bent, a familiar body slung over his shoulder. He was blinking rapidly, staring with an almost blank expression down at his feet.

Wait. _What the_ **_fuck_ ** _?!_

Between Lalna and Green were the runes.

Between Green and the rest of them _were the runes_.

Lalna got to his feet again, raising a hand to block the sharp light of the computer screen. The runes were cycling through colours, never sticking with one shade longer than a sliver of a second.

Green stepped backwards. He stepped backwards, _further_ from the circle of runes. He still had that blank look on his face.

The Queen was on her feet too. She stepped closer to Purple, her non-fluxed eye wide, her hands that still oozed with flux patted around her waist.

Ahead of them all, Xephos stepped closer to Green. He had a concerned look on his face, eyes darting between Green and the runes. ‘Green, put the body down,’ Xephos said. He took another step closer, halting when Green seemed to... flinch?

That, that couldn't be right. Lalna was pretty sure that _Crucify_ only caused pain, so this couldn't be his fault. Or maybe Green was in a state of panic. Or maybe something got fucked up when he stepped outside of the runes. Why wasn't the spell collapsing?!

‘Lalna... can you hear me?’ Xephos said. His voice cracked, just a bit.

Green was still blinking rapidly. _Breathing_ rapidly too, and swaying just a little, with his eyes darting every which way.

‘S-tay, stay back,’ Green said, his voice stiff and strained. Lalna inched forward, just a bit, to try hear a little better. Did he not recognise them? Shit. Someone needed to talk him down, _right then and there_ , before Green did anything drastic.

Sjin’s wand dropped out of his hand, and he raised both. ‘G-- _Lalna_ ’ he began.

 _Good, use his -- mine, whatever -- use their_ **_name_** _,_ Lalna thought.

Sjin took a deep breath, then stepped forward, still showing he was unarmed. ‘It's ok, we aren't going to--’

A sudden _blip_ of orange light shot from Green’s side, from some kind of white shape cradled in Green’s arm. Green stepped to one side at almost the same instant, and this time Blue noticed a wide blue-rimmed oval that Green fell through. The second Green was through, the oval vanished.

‘Lalna!’ Xephos virtually vanished as well. Lalna blinked and the other was at the wall of trees and then _boom,_ gone, just like that.

A split second later and Sjin was gone too, airsled out and wand back in hand. Nano shot up into the air, bright flames of every colour falling after her.

Honeydew swore, took a few steps after Xephos, then turned to face Lalna.

‘You two--’ he jabbed a hand at Lalna and the copy, ‘--stay _there_ , do _not_ kill each other!’

Purple nodded. ‘Get him back,’ he said.

Honeydew gave Lalna an uncertain look. Lalna copied Purple’s nod, Honeydew looking no less tense than before. Then the dwarf was off, sprinting into the treeline then vanishing without a trace.

Lalna waited three seconds. Purple didn't lunge for him. Well then. The moment had passed, well and truly. On the bright side, Lalna’s head wasn't hurting as much as before. He idly scanned the ground for his wand.

Muted by the forest were faint shouts. Hopefully the four tracked Green down before any of them got hurt. There would be no way to fix things if that happened. Now where was his--

‘Looking for something?’ Purple said coldly.

_That's going to be a problem._

Lalna straightened his back and glared at Purple, who had the wand. Not only that, but Purple had the wand pointed right at Lalna. He put his hands in his pockets. ‘Do you plan to do something with that?’ Lalna said calmly.

Purple grinned. ‘Now that you mention it, I can shoot these _massive_ laser beams out of here. You want to see?’

Lalna smirked. ‘Amateur,’ he muttered.

‘What was that?’

‘Nothing. Just so you know, you're holding it backwards.’

Purple laughed. ‘Look, in case you didn't realise, _I used this_ to set up this magicky circle whatsit. I know that I'm pointing it the right way.’

‘Uh huh.’ Lalna finished searching his pockets. Of course nothing was in them, but it did help him keep looking casual. ‘So since you're _so_ well versed in _“magicky circle whatsits,”_ you should know that magic runs off the soul.’

‘Yup. And I'm _pret_ -ty sure I could turn you into little bits of ash before that plays a problem,’ Purple said cheerfully.

 _Damn. Option one’s out._ ‘Hm, ok. Say that you did that. How much collateral will you cause?’

Purple blinked. ‘What?’

‘ _Collateral damage._ How much stuff will get minced up because you have _no_ control? Hm? A _good_ mage would be able to disable a target, not vaporise.’

There was a short silence.

‘So... what you're saying is, you think that _quality_ should come from your wand, not quantity?’ Purple said.

‘Yes, absolutely. Something that _you_ would be too incompetent to do.’ _He isn't doing what I think he is, right?_

Purple’s mouth was doing strange things. It was like he was scowling, but also trying to bite the inside of his lips off. ‘Are you sure... are you sure you aren't just compen--’

 _Aw, crap he is._ ‘Don't you _dare_ \--’

‘--sating for something?’

‘--finish that sentence! Oh for _fuck’s_ sake, _really?_ Did you need to do that!’

‘No, no, wait.’ Purple’s face had split into _much_ too wide a grin, and raised his hand in a _“shut up, let me talk,”_ gesture. ‘Do, does your _wand_ need _special treatment?_ ’

‘Shut up!’

‘Do you prefer your wand to be _springy_ or _hard?_ ’

‘Stop!’

‘Do you show the ladies a _magical_ time with your w--?’

‘Not listening to you, _not_ listening, and you’re saying _nothing_ I haven't heard before!’ Lalna stalked forward and tried to snatch the wand off of Purple, but the copy was still quick. He neatly sidestepped Lalna’s frantic snatches, keeping the wand _just_ out of Lalna’s reach. ‘We have bigger problems than joking about wands!’

‘I agree! I think your wand is very _small!_ ’

‘For the _love_ of--! At least I can _use_ mine!’

‘Well, you aren't using it very well right now, are you?’

‘Give it back!’

‘Say that you are stupid and are incapable of using your wand, and that you have a teeny tiny wand!’

‘If I did, you'd have the same size, so you just insulted yourself!’

‘Say it!’

‘I swear, the _second_ I get it back--!’

‘You'll _cast a spell_ on me?’

‘Don't say it like that!’ Lalna dived for the wand again, swearing as Purple neatly swung it away. ‘Fuck!’

Purple gasped mockingly. ‘Blue! Such lan--!’

Something _roared_ like a sea lion -- deep and mournful and rumbling across the sky. The pitch shifted up and the sound nearly flattened Lalna’s eardrums.

Lalna clapped his hands over his ears. ‘What? What the hell is that?’

Purple’s grin slackened, then snapped into fear. ‘Oh _shit._ ’

‘What, tell me!’

Purple twisted, scouring the sky. ‘Look, over there,’ he said nervously.

Lalna turned and squinted. Stars? Stars didn't rumble, they were too far away-- _oh are you kidding me?!_

Several of the stars were blotted out. An absence of stars, or rather, something was in the way. A black shape that was barely visible against the sky, except for the rumbling engines shedding light.

A stream of rainbow fire raced for the shape, alongside the gold glints of Sjin’s air sled.

Then with a sharp spike in the rumbling roar, the shape disappeared. A streak of stars blinked in and out of sight, and then the sky was empty of spaceships. Both tiny trails of life sped after the shape, disappearing over the trees.

‘That was Green, and our body,’ Purple said. Lalna glanced his way, mouth opened to say _no shit_ , halting when he noticed Purple had a thaumometer held in front of his face. Purple lowered it. ‘...Is this kidnap or robbery?’

‘Uh. Not sure.’

Purple ignored him. ‘You know, it could be robbery ‘cause our body’s kinda like property, but it also could be kidnap because of our body being all person-shaped.’

‘Is this _really_ the time for that?’ Lalna said. He absolutely did not wail the words. ‘How did Green even _do_ that? We can't, we should _all_ be back in our body, the spell should have shattered the second he stepped out of the runes!’

‘Gah, that bastard stole Nano’s portal gun,’ Purple hissed. He kicked the ground, putting the thaumometer into a pocket in his lab coat.

‘Portal guns?’ It took a second for Lalna to recall. Big white things, able to pinch two parts of space together. ‘I guess Green didn't _cross_ the runes then, but there is no way him leaving didn't mess up the ritual-- _What the hell are you doing!!_ ’

Purple looked up, a foot almost over one of the runes. They were still chopping between colours. ‘Well, our body isn't here, so we should be able to leave without the circle pulling us back together,’ he said.

‘No no no _don't_ \--!’

Purple fully stepped over the runes and Lalna skidded to a halt, whipping his hands back from the line of runes. They remained the same, still violently changing colour.

‘See, it's fine,’ Purple said.

‘No! Not fine!’ Lalna bunched his hands into fists and stared at Purple. ‘You, we could have _all_ been sucked into that spaceship, with _no_ way to pilot it because we'd be _unconscious_ , and then you'd have gotten me _and_ Green killed!’

Purple shrugged. ‘It _worked._ Who cares?’ Before Lalna could retort, Purple turned and ran down a small track between the trees.

‘Well, fine! You go ahead and get all of us killed!’ Lalna yelled.

Nobody replied. Lalna swore, running a hand through his hair, and stepped away from the edges of the circle. The runes _really_ didn't look happy. And he didn't have his wand.

It was weird, how a tiny bit of wood was more comforting than a nuclear bunker sometimes. Lalna grimaced. It was a shame he didn't have either.

...Was it just Lalna’s mind playing tricks on him, or were the runes getting brighter? It had to be his imagination. This circle was running off of nature’s magic, not soul magic. It couldn't overload after the magic was put in.

Lalna could have been remembering that wrong though. Plus, the ritual was built to have aspects of a person’s personality projected into the air, and two out of three had run off. Along with his body. **_This_ ** _is why people don't experiment with magic_ , Lalna thought. _Things get fucked up too easily_.

Those runes definitely looked like they were vibrating between colours faster. Or that was an illusion gotten from Lalna trying to estimate how many colours they became per second.

...Did that tree have eyes?

Lalna looked again. He could have sworn there were big, yellow eyes right at the treeline.

_Fuck this._

Lalna jumped over the runes and ran after Purple.

* * *

 The other end of the track opened to a beach. It was brighter out from under the trees, with their black bark and shifting leaves. Lalna skidded to a halt in the sand, eyes on the sky. Far in the distance, he could make out a faint, colourful glow.

 _Don't be an idiot_ , Lalna thought, walking closer to the water’s edge. _It's not possible for you to keep up with a spaceship with a_ **_jetpack_ ** _. Or an air sled._

Ahead of Lalna, standing waist deep in the water, was Purple. _He probably wouldn't notice if I crept up behind him. I could shove him over, see how he likes getting a fright_ , Lalna thought. He shook his head. Getting rid of his copies would have to wait until they found his body. If they could even put him back together.

‘Fuck,’ Lalna heard Purple mutter. ‘Come back, Nano. You aren't going to catch up to him.’

 _...He's a copy. That's all._ Lalna swallowed. _He isn't real. He's an abomination, who isn't supposed to exist. We aren’t alike._

A few minutes passed in silence. Small waves brushed against the sand, and a calm wind swept in from the waters. It didn't feel cold, despite it being night.

The rainbow flames were drawing nearer to the shore, alongside the golden sparks. The fire seemed faster than the gold, which made sense considering how they'd been left in the Queen’s dust before shit went down.

The Queen swooped down and hovered over Purple. ‘Wh-- how did _you_ get out?’

‘He jumped out,’ Lalna called.

Purple folded his arms, unheeding of how his sleeves were sopping wet with water. ‘Nevermind that, what happened with Green?’

The Queen sighed. ‘We lost him in the forest. I've no idea how he stumbled across the spaceship, and it was way too fast for me, but we did get a good idea of which way he's heading,’ she said. ‘Lalna, get out of the water before you catch a cold.’

Purple looked down. ‘It's not that bad, Nano,’ he said cheerfully. ‘We should try to do some more midnight swims when this is over.’

The Queen scowled. ‘No, I think I'm g-- Lalna! No, don't--! Lalna that's _cold!_ ’

Purple threw another handful of water up at the Queen, who squealed and zipped straight up in the air. Lalna ignored the pair as best as he could, eyes on the gold lights that were his friend. The gold paused several tens of metres above, then shot past the treeline.

Well. That was just great. _We're down here, Sjin_ , Lalna thought. _Damn. My air sled is on my body, isn't it?_

Greenery crunched behind Lalna. Purple and the Queen didn't acknowledge it, nor when the crunches gave way to a scowling dwarf.

‘This forest needs signposts,’ Honeydew muttered, clambering over a fallen branch and landing squarely on the beach. ‘So, how the fuck did you two get out without going poof?’

Lalna jabbed a finger towards Purple, who still apparently thought messing around in the water was a productive use of his time. ‘ _He_ thought it would be smart to push our luck.’

Honeydew’s scowl deepened. He pushed past Lalna and walked right to the edge of the water. ‘Oi! Purple! Get out of there and get into some dry clothes!’

‘Why? It's nice! Want to join in?’

‘One of you have run off _with_ your body, and you want to catch hypothermia?!’

‘Yeah, see? Stop wasting time,’ Lalna said. He could feel a smirk fighting to be shown and pushed the urge down.

Purple rolled his eyes. ‘He's in a _spaceship_ , so--’

‘What the fuck are you doing in the water?’ Xephos’s voice interrupted. Lalna glanced back and started. Somehow Xephos had gotten within a few feet of him. Xephos cupped his hands around his mouth. ‘Holy _shit_ , that's what like, I dunno, minus a hundred degrees or something! Get out of the water!’

‘ _Fine_ , fine. It's not that big a deal,’ Purple grumbled. He took his time walking out, the bottom of his lab coat sopping with water. The second Purple was at the shore Honeydew got behind him and started pushing Purple towards another track.

‘Wh-- hey! Stop--!’

‘Nano, can you get a fire going at your house? We need to get this idiot warm,’ Honeydew said as he pushed. Purple staggered forward, protesting all the while even though he could easily stop walking.

The Queen saluted. ‘Sure thing. See you there.’ With that her jetpack flared with fire and she shot out over the trees.

Purple and Honeydew vanished into the forest too. The last clear sentence Lalna heard was, ‘Alright, I'm walking, just stop knocking me over _._ ’

Their voices faded.

Lalna pressed a hand over his eyes. Punching a tree seemed very tempting. ‘What the _fuck_ happened,’ he muttered. ‘How the hell did he get a _spaceship._ ’

‘That's my fault,’ Xephos said. The sand crunched and Xephos was at his side, stony-faced. ‘We got here using that, and I thought I should move it closer to where we were. Not sure how L-Green found it, but I guess there’s only so many paths in this forest.’

‘Hm. Green did work with you. Any chance that played a factor?’

Xephos looked at Lalna like he'd been discussing methods of eyeball removal. ‘Uh... I doubt it? It's not like there's a tracking device on it.’

‘There isn't? I thought you of all people would do that.’

‘Wh-- why would you say that?’

Lalna waved vaguely at the horizon. ‘It's hefty technology that flies. I figured you wouldn't want it to get lost.’

‘Well, no. We don't have a tracking device in it.’ Xephos shook his head. ‘That isn't the point anyway. How the hell did you two get out of the circle?’

Lalna gritted his teeth. If he needed to go to the dentist to fix cracks in them after this was all sorted, he was going to blame his copies.

‘ _Purple_ decided to leap on out. Because, _obviously_ , if Green could get out, _all of us could_.’ Lalna’s tone dripped with sarcasm. ‘Because _screw_ consequences! Let's just jump over and spit on a ritual that had already been rejigged to the point of being unrecognisable!’

Xephos raised a hand and kneaded his forehead. ‘Uh huh. And you followed?’

‘Someone had to keep an eye on him!’ _And let's just ignore me being a hypocrite. He did it first._

‘Right, sure. But you feel ok? No side effects from--’

‘It's _fine_ . Look, are there _any_ ways to track down that spaceship? At all?’

Xephos shook his head. ‘I don't think so. If there are, Honeydew put them in, not me.’

‘Right.’ Lalna reached for his wand. His hand groped in his empty pocket. _Great. How am I going to steal it back from Purple without him noticing?_ Lalna shuffled his feet, trying to hide his lapse in memory. ‘Uh, Sjin should have his spellbook on him. There's probably a tracking spell in there.’

‘That would be good, but would it work with there being three of you?’

‘No idea.’ Lalna glanced into the black wall of trees. ‘Did Honeydew go to that big red building?’

‘No, he went to the moon,’ Xephos said sarcastically. ‘Course he did. Those runes were going nuts when we went back there, so we agreed to stay the fuck away from them.’

‘You went back to the ritual?’

‘Yeah. Imagine our surprise when it was empty.’ Xephos beckoned for Lalna to follow him, and the pair started walking into the forest. Lalna tried to not shiver as the trees loomed overhead.

The earth crunched under Lalna’s shoes. It was loud in the darkness, too loud for Lalna’s tastes. And with the trees pressing down from overhead, creating caverns with their branches, it felt a lot like something was watching him. Were those Xephos’s footsteps beside him? They sounded heavier.

_This goddamn forest needs streetlights. Big ones. Not yellow and creepy ones, but big, bright white ones._

Light flared above them and Lalna flinched, hand darting to his pocket. His wand had not returned to it in the few seconds since he'd last checked.

Through the branches came a faint roar, then the Queen dropped down. She landed squarely in front of them, eye wide.

‘The ritual did something weird,’ she said urgently, gaze on Xephos. ‘Come on, PandaLabs is this way.’

* * *

 ‘That is fucking bizarre,’ Lalna heard his voice say.

Light spilled out the door to “PandaLabs,” pooling around several large rocks and casting long shadows. The firelight wavered and flickered. Lalna stepped around the rocks carefully. He was pretty sure they hadn't been there before, then again he had a painful headache the last time he'd walked through the door.

Through it, Lalna could see Purple, his wrist pressed next to his collarbone. Honeydew was the one holding it there, a frown on his face.

The Queen strode through the door and sat on a crate next to Purple. ‘Got them,’ she announced as Lalna slipped in after her. He almost walked right into a large chest -- for some reason a ton of them were now scattered all over the floor. He leaned against the wall by the door, keeping his gaze away from the array of skulls.

‘Good, good, Xephos come here.’ Honeydew waved the spaceman over, pulling Purple’s wrist out. Purple scowled, tugging his arm back, only for Honeydew to shoot a glare his way.

‘Alright, alright,’ Purple muttered, then held his arm out.

Lalna frowned. _The hell?_

‘Find the uh, the radial pulse for me,’ Honeydew said.

With an uncertain expression, Xephos took Purple’s wrist and pressed his fingers along it. Lalna noticed that Purple had already gotten changed into some new clothes. He'd ditched the lab coat in favour of a dressing gown, although he still had his sword at his side.

He frowned. ‘Yeah, ok?’

‘You sure you found it?’

'Uh. Maybe?’

Honeydew rolled his eyes and adjusted Xephos’s grip. ‘Try there.’

‘...There's still no pulse.’

‘Try further up his arm.’

‘...Am I just bad at this or--’

‘Check up at his neck,’ Honeydew said. ‘Right, right there.’

There was a pause. Xephos’s head was cocked to one side, as if he could listen for a pulse. Abruptly he stepped back, hands clasping around his back.

‘Blue, gimme your hand,’ Honeydew said.

Lalna started, and would have taken a step back if the wall wasn't in the way. ‘What?’

‘Hand, give. I need to check your pulse.’

Purple had his own fingers at his neck, and grimaced as Blue let Honeydew check his own.

‘How....’ Xephos rubbed his eyes and leaned next to the fireplace. ‘ _How._ Why the hell--?’

‘Blue doesn't have a pulse either,’ Honeydew announced, letting go of Lalna’s wrist.

Lalna’s eyes widened. He quickly grabbed his own wrist, pressing down hard.

Nothing.

No gentle throb of blood moving under his skin.

_What the fuck. What the fuck!?_

‘Wh-why, why don't I have a pulse?’ Purple had a hand placed over his heart. From his expression, Lalna assumed there was no familiar beat under his palm. ‘What, are we dead?’

‘D-don't say that, you're not dead,’ the Queen said. Her voice seemed higher than usual, and she clung to Purple’s arm.

Honeydew was glancing between Purple and Lalna. ‘Uh... I don't _think_ you're dead. You know, you're both walkin’ around and talking and thinking. You just, you just don't have heartbeats.’

There was a _thud_ from outside.

‘Oh, so that's where you are,’ Sjin muttered, air sled under his arm. He shut the door behind him. ‘Anyone have a lead?’

‘We just found out that neither of these two have pulses, so forgive us if we're a little distracted,’ Xephos said.

‘They don't what?’

‘Our hearts aren't working,’ Lalna said. He held his wrist out, still checking it himself. ‘I've had my hand here for at least a minute, and there's nothing.’

Sjin’s eyes went comically wide. ‘S-seriously?’

‘Does that mean we're like, magical thingys? Oh! Does _that_ mean we can't get hurt?’ Purple said excitedly.

‘You can test that theory if you'd like, so long as you try it on yourself,’ Lalna growled.

‘We aren't testing if you're magical,’ Xephos said. ‘Especially not by seeing if you can get injuries or not!’

‘Yeah, for all we know it's just your hearts not working.’ Honeydew raised his eyes to the roof, looking thoughtful. ‘Although, if your hearts aren't beating, your blood isn't moving around your bodies, so really none of your organs should--’

‘Ow, _fuck!_ ’

‘Lalna!’ the Queen snatched the sword off Purple, who had his hand cupped to his stomach and was half bowed over it.

‘Fuck, that hurt,’ he said cheerfully. ‘So uh, _yup_ , nervous system still works.’

‘You idiot, _what_ were you thinking!’ the Queen had stood up, her hands on her hips.

‘Wait, what happened?’ Lalna looked around the group. ‘I wasn't looking, what did he do?’

Xephos was in the middle of a facepalm. ‘He poked his sword and cut himself.’

‘Aaaaaand I regret it, _ow_. Can someone pass me a healing potion? I think I cut too deep,’ Purple said.

Sjin rolled his eyes and drew his wand. ‘Hand,’ he snapped, raising it.

Purple held his hand out.

Lalna blinked. Purple’s hand was an exact mirror to his own. Including a lack of blood, and a lack of a cut.

Sjin too looked confused. ‘Eh?’

Purple stared at it. ‘Um. Where the fuck is the blood?’

‘Does it feel like you're bleeding?’ Honeydew asked.

Purple nodded sharply. ‘It... it _feels_ like there's a cut, all the way down here-- _ow_.’ Purple traced out a long line down his index finger, wincing when his hand bumped into it.

‘...Try healing it,’ Xephos said.

‘B-but there's nothing for me to fix!’ Sjin said, eyes darting up and down.

Xephos had his arms folded. ‘Just humour me.’

Sjin bit his lip. A tiny globe of white magic glowed on his wand, and the faint light fell across where Purple had pointed.

Purple huffed, looking surprised. ‘That's faster than potions,’ he said.

Sjin stepped back, putting his wand away. ‘That was weird. It _felt_ like I healed something, but there wasn't--’

‘At least we know that now. Don't get hurt, either of you.’ Honeydew’s brow furrowed. ‘And don't lie if you do get hurt, ‘cause we won't be able to tell.’

‘Agreed.’ Lalna swallowed. His throat felt awfully thick. ‘The sooner we fix all lf this, the better.’

‘At least your resps are fine,’ Honeydew commented.

The Queen looked up from where she'd been staring at Purple’s hand. ‘Resps?’

‘Breathing.’

‘Was it like this before we left the circle?’ Lalna muttered. He twisted his hand back and forth. He could see the way his bones shifted under his skin -- exactly as he expected them to look. ‘It would cut down on energy to not animate our organs, since the spell is originally for just talking. Or since it broke, the circle lost the ability to fully animate us.’

 _Either way. We're both magical constructs right now. Fuck, I'm not even in my body! I'm not--_ Lalna cut the thought off.

‘Wait, why are we breathing then? If it would cut down the amount of magic and all, we shouldn't be breathing, right?’

Lalna shook his head. ‘That's... because we need to talk? And we've been doing it for years unconsciously, so we'd notice if it stopped.’

‘Breath holding contest?’ the Queen said.

‘Is this _really_ the--’

Purple and the Queen ignored Lalna, both sucking in huge breaths and holding them, almost identical smiles on their faces. Xephos sighed and looked at his watch.

After half a minute the Queen balked, gagging a bit. ‘Ugh, blah. Blah! That was terrible.’

Purple smirked, poking his tongue out.

‘Humans can stop breathing for two minutes or so without passing out, right?’ Honeydew said.

‘Yeah. One minute,’ Xephos said.

Lalna glanced around the room. It was tidier than before, and he soon found a clear chair on the side.

‘We still need to find Green,’ Sjin said. ‘Anyone have any ideas? Like um, is there a tracking device on that ship?’

Xephos glanced at Honeydew, who shook his head.

‘I never put any on. Xeph?’

‘Neither. Sjin, do you know any spells that could do that?’

‘I don't think so. If I’ve used any, I wouldn't remember how to cast any.’

‘None in your spellbook?’ Lalna said.

‘Nope, sorry.’

The Queen raised her hand. ‘I've got a crystal ball, that could... oh, wait. That needs blood.’

‘B-blood?’ Lalna shivered. ‘No, _no_ blood magic.’

‘Not massive amounts of blood! Like, a small vial of blood, so the ball can link to the target. And I don't have any of Lalna’s blood.’ The Queen snapped her fingers. ‘Oh! Your poppets, Lalna there's enough blood in those--’

Purple shook his head. He raised a fisted hand in the air then dropped it, splaying out his fingers as he stopped.

‘...They broke?’ At Purple’s nod, the Queen groaned. ‘You know those take ages to make, right?’

‘So, no blood?’ Lalna checked.

‘No blood. And I doubt trying to take any of yours would work, considering....’ The Queen gestured at Purple’s hand.

‘Yeah, let's avoid that,’ Xephos said dryly. ‘So, we have no ways of tracking him.’

Purple waved his arms wildly.

‘What’s that?’ the Queen said. A grin split her face. ‘Timmy’s down the--’

Purple pouted, them gestured widely again.

‘Purple, you've been holding your breath for over three minutes. Stop showing off,’ Xephos said.

Purple grinned. Without breathing in he said, ‘Isn't it obvious?’

‘No? If it was, we wouldn't be brainstorming ideas for how to track Green,’ the Queen said.

‘No no, don't bother with tracking where he is, all we need to do is go to where he's going. Easy.’

‘You know where he's going?’ Lalna said. ‘How? He could pick literally any town or city to fly to, stock up on supplies, and then hide out in the wilderness.’

‘Do be stupid, he's not going to be random.’ Purple put his hands behind his head. ‘Think about it. Green is freaking the fuck out. Just like me and you, it's been about a day since we found out about each other.’

‘Technically it's less than that, since you were trading off consciousness,’ Honeydew said.

‘ _Anyway._ ’ Purple pointed at himself. ‘When I woke up at the castle, I got back home as fast as I could. What are the chances that Green’s trying to do the same thing?’

‘Wait, wait. You're saying that instead of picking somewhere completely random so he'll be untraceable, Green is going to Hole Diggers?’ Sjin shook his head. ‘That, that seems dumb to me. What is he going to _do_ there?’

Lalna sat straight up. ‘A new change of clothes, for one. Some familiar weapons, maybe even some personal items. Stuff to prove to himself that he isn't just a copy.’

‘That doesn't seem like enough to get him to pick that way. He knows we'll be trying to find him after all,’ Xephos said.

Lalna met Purple’s gaze.

‘...I think you're right,’ Lalna said slowly. ‘I don't know about you, but _I_ would have gone straight home, absolutely.’

‘And that's two out of three.’ Purple knitted his hands together. ‘So, how the hell do we get to Hole Diggers?’

‘If you gave me the coordinates--’

‘No,’ Lalna said sharply. ‘Moving all of us will drain your soul completely.’

‘Well, what else then?’ Sjin said.

Xephos snapped his fingers. ‘Does anyone remember when Hat Corp opens their doors?’

There was a loud _bang_ and the whole room jumped. Lalna swore, then glared at Purple. He had dropped his sword. 

‘No,’ Purple said flatly.

‘They have a teleporter to our base, so--’

Purple cut over Xephos. ‘ _No._ We can't go anywhere near them.’ The Queen was nodding along, her arms crossed.

‘Why the hell not--!?’

‘What is hat corp?’ Lalna said warily.

Xephos halted, then gave Lalna an incredulous look.

‘...Seriously?’ Purple growled.

Lalna shifted in place, noting the equally disbelieving looks everyone had pointed his way. ‘Seriously. Are you going to explain, or should we sit around and play twenty questions for a while?’

The group exchanged looks. Some were scowls, some were confused. Then they all spoke at once.

‘They're a group of--’

‘--lying, pieces of--’

‘--walrus, human, and a--’

‘--deal, so they have a--’

‘--stick up their--!’

Lalna yelled over them, ‘I don't have ten pairs of ears!’

Everyone except Purple went silent, who continued to rant. ‘--dicks _keep_ lying and cheating and they've got a million nukes pointed right at our ba-- _Mmph!_ ’

The Queen kept her hand over his mouth. ‘They're assholes,’ she said. Purple nodded.

‘They aren't that bad--’

‘Honeydew, they scammed the deed of the Jaffa Factory off you,’ Xephos said wearily. ‘But, I still use their service every week to go between Hole Diggers and the farm. We can use that.’

‘No, _we_ can't,’ Purple said. He jabbed a thumb to his chest. ‘Those three want me and Nano _dead._ Properly dead. And in case you haven't noticed, _he_ looks exactly the same as me! How the fuck do you think we can get around that?’

Lalna rolled his eyes. ‘You do realise I'm part of the magic police?’ Lalna said. He smugly flipped his hood up. ‘Ta da. I won't be recognised.’

‘...Is that supposed to do something?’ Purple said.

‘What?’

‘Oh, of course.’ Sjin rubbed the back of his head. ‘The enchantments wouldn't be one those robes. They're difficult to craft, so the spell wouldn't have replicated any of them.’

‘...Oh. Shit.’ Lalna shrunk a little and lowered his hood. No protective spells. No identity distortion. It was just a construct of magic around him, and it wasn't _real_.

‘Didn't we bring some robes from your place?’ Honeydew said.

Sjin perked up. ‘Oh you did, didn't you? Great, Lalna you can wear that.’

‘What? What do they do?’ Purple asked. His eyes were darting around the room, never landing on Lalna’s face but they sure scanned his robes a lot.

Lalna plucked at the fabric. ‘They're enchanted to protect your identity and defend you from spells. This one leans more towards protective though, or at least it did.’

‘The ones Xephos and Honeydew brought lean the other way.’ Sjin glared at Purple. ‘And before you ask, no you are _not_ borrowing my spare. The enchantments don't work for people that aren't the owners, and we only finished  calibrating them to us a month ago.’

'Aw.’

‘Ok, so Blue is sorted,’ Xephos said. Lalna carefully didn't grimace at his “nickname.” Gods, it was terrible. ‘Now how can we bring Nano and Purple?’

‘We could leave them here,’ Lalna said.

‘Ha. Ha. Ha. _No,_ ’ the Queen growled.

‘Do either of you have any perception filters?’ Purple said to Xephos and Honeydew.

Both shook their heads.

‘We have some back at Hole Diggers, but we can't reach them.’ Honeydew scowled. ‘Ever since we went into the taint, our remotes haven't been able to access our satellite.’

‘Shit.’ Purple steepled his hands. ‘I might be able to cannibalize some machines downstairs to make one, barely, but it might short out--’

 _Ok, fine._ ‘Or, we could turn you invisible,’ Lalna said.

Purple’s eyes widened. ‘You can do that?’

‘Can you?’ Honeydew said.

‘Yessss, but, I don't know.’ Sjin strode across the room, stopping in front of a suddenly-wary Purple. ‘Right now, both of you are magical constructs. We've got no idea what messing with those will do.’

Purple leaned backwards. ‘Blue hit me a couple of times, so they didn't--’

‘That was before Green ran off,’ the Queen said helpfully.

‘...What do you think?’ Sjin said, glancing at Lalna.

Lalna shrugged. ‘Worst that could happen is that the spell doesn't work.’

‘...Don't you mean “that I die?” Since, you know, spells and weird things?’ Purple said.

‘I don't think--’ Xephos began.

‘That's true. But, you weren't thinking about that before you _jumped out of the circle_ , so I thought I'd take a cue from your book.’

‘Yeah, well--’

Sjin drew his wand, lit it up white, and jabbed it into Purple’s chest.

The copy looked startled, and then he was gone.

‘What the _hell_ , Sjin!’ the wavering patch of empty air said.

‘It worked,’ Sjin said cheerfully.

Xephos had a hand over his eyes. ‘ _Why_. Why does everyone do this?’

‘That is _weird_ ,’ the Queen said. She raised a hand dripping in taint and waved it into the space Purple was, watching as the ripples grew more pronounced when her hand bumped into him.

‘Isn't that going to make you fall over?’ Honeydew said, looking at Sjin with a frown.

‘Hm. No. It's difficult in a technical way, not in terms of power.’ Sjin waved his wand again and Purple reappeared, looking at his hands.

‘You can do that for me and Lalna tomorrow then?’ the Queen said.

‘Tomorrow? Why can't we go now? Even with a teleporter, we need to get there--’ Lalna began.

‘Hat Corp doesn't do mornings,’ Xephos said. ‘And if they see us waiting, they'll make us wait even longer. Our best chance at getting to Hole Diggers quickly is to wait until morning, sneak over, and time it so we interrupt their breakfast. They'll want us gone quicker, and so they won't waste our time.’

‘Oh, fantastic. Is this what you people do all day? Passive-aggressive bartering with each other?’ Lalna said.

Sjin looked uneasy. ‘It's kind of hard not to when dealing with Hat Corp. And they are fairly infamous too, so ways of dealing with them get passed around. A lot. All the time.’

‘Yeah. Seriously, literally _everyone_ has heard of them,’ Honeydew said.

‘Well, I haven't heard of them, so they can't be as “famous,” as you think.’ Lalna glanced up at the big window on the back wall. It was still dark. It had to be around midnight. ‘...So, if we're going to wait until morning--’

‘Dibs on that sofa upstairs,’ Honeydew said. Xephos swore.

‘We should bring the bedrolls back inside, since we don't need to sleep in the circle any more,’ Nano said. ‘Come on, Lalna.’

‘Right, right. Xephos, can you help? We don't have the portal gun anymore and it would be good to do this in one trip.’

Xephos nodded. ‘Blue, Sjin, Honeydew, could you clear the floor?’

‘Just put everything on the table,’ the Queen added, then she slipped out the door after Purple.

‘Will do,’ Honeydew said cheerfully. ‘Come on you two, we need space for three bedrolls down here.’

As Xephos left, Honeydew directed Lalna and Sjin to moving everything on the floor to one side. Books, chairs, wood for the fire, and a lot of unidentifiable machine parts that would be uncomfortable to sleep on, it all had to be moved into a corner.

 _I swear it wasn't this cluttered before, _ Lalna thought, sweeping up a few discarded bolts. _How the hell did we end up cleaning Purple’s house for him?_

‘Right, you two keep doing that. I'm gonna fix up the couch,’ Honeydew said. He crossed the room, stopped on the elevator block, and made to jump. As he started moving upwards, he disappeared.

The moment Honeydew vanished, Sjin dropped the wood he'd been carrying and turned to Lalna. ‘Are you alright?’ Sjin said. There was no trace of a smile or joke in his face.

‘I'm a magical construct that could destabilize at any moment, and we're stuck housekeeping. So no, not alright.’

‘N-not about that.’ Sjin looked up at the roof, eyes darting. ‘We're in N-- the _Queen’s_ house. Are you ok with that?’

Lalna tossed the bolts he'd collected. They clattered and pinged their way down the pile of junk on and around the table.

‘Not in the slightest,’ Lalna said. ‘The Royal’s are still murderers and illegal users of magic. It's an open and shut case, even if one of them is a copy of me.’

‘Well, I um... what if it's not? A clear case, that is.’

Sjin ducked his head. He had his wand out, and busied himself by conjuring wind to shove some bits of bark out of the way.

‘...You're kidding, right?’ Lalna pointed towards the wall of skulls, carefully not looking at them himself. ‘Just look at that and tell me they aren't evil. Skulls are what, the must-have decoration for an evil lair, and they either got those in a _very_ black market or actually went out, killed the things, and then ripped their skulls out!’

Sjin’s gaze wouldn't meet Lalna’s.

‘Gods’ _sake_ , Sjin.’ Lalna kicked a chest, sending it expertly skidding to meet the rest of the pile. ‘Next thing you'll tell me is that shoving that murderer into _my_ brain is an ok thing to do!’

‘What?! No, of course not,’ Sjin said, looking like a dead body had fallen from the sky -- shocked, appalled. ‘You, you wouldn't be _you_ any more, you'd just be a weird doppelgänger that walked and talked right, but’s completely wrong ‘round the edges.’

‘Glad to know you're still on my side,’ Lalna said bitterly. ‘You could have a little more faith in me though.’

‘There's two of them against one of you. And they aren't my f--’

A _thump_ from upstairs cut Sjin off. Lalna glanced at the ceiling and stepped backwards towards the door. Abruptly Honeydew reappeared on the elevator block, a startled expression on his face. Then he tipped sideways, arms pelding, and landed on his nose with a _thump_ and a shrill yelp.

‘Don't laugh,’ he said sharply, getting back up. He dusted himself off and glared up at them. ‘Neither of you laugh, or, or tell Xephos, or _any_ of them. Fucking hell, those are awful.’

‘Floor’s clear,’ Sjin said. He grinned impishly. ‘So, you don't want me to tell Xephos you fell before me?’

Honeydew stopped glaring at Lalna, directing his attention only to Sjin. ‘Oh, don't you start. These bloody things make you move sideways _just_ a bit, and it doesn't help that this Lalna used some weird motion sensor instead of a normal _button_.’

‘Uh huh.’ Lalna gave the elevator a glance. It really was a pointless piece of technology. What was wrong with a simple ladder or stairs? ‘You have these at Hole Diggers?’

‘Yup. We've got a lot more of ‘em, and they don't use _motion_ sensors.’ Honeydew scowled at the floor.

‘You should brief us on the floor plans,’ Lalna mused. He pushed one of the last few crates to one side. With the floor bare of scraps of wood, scattered machine parts, and books, there actually was enough room for several bedrolls.

‘Oh. Right. We can do that on our way over to Hat Corp,’ Honeydew said.

Sjin cleared his throat. ‘Should we get this done?’ he said.

‘Y-yeah, that would be good,’ Honeydew said quickly.

The next few minutes passed quietly. Honeydew completely restacked the chests and crates under and on the corner table, while Lalna and Sjin stood by one wall avoiding eye contact. As Xephos’s voice faintly reached them, Lalna froze.

‘...Son of a...’ he muttered.

'What?’ Sjin said.

Lalna kept his voice low, trying not to attract Honeydew’s attention. ‘...Purple still has my wand. _Fuck_ , how the hell do I get it off of him?’

‘...Uh. Hope?’

‘Thanks,’ Lalna said dryly. ‘Really, that is amazing advice that I will consider, and it will be key in my future plans.’

‘You’re welcome.’

And then Xephos walked through the door, swearing under the weight and bulk of several bedrolls, and things fell under the storm of organisation.

* * *

 

Sleep is hard to gain when a skull is in the room. No matter how Lalna lay, he stayed uncomfortably aware of the skulls on the wall like he had an internal compass pointed their way. Add that to the childish impulse to open his eyes, twist around, and check again that they hadn't changed in the last five seconds, and Lalna couldn't sleep.

Purple, Honeydew, and the Queen had vanished back upstairs, leaving Lalna lying on the bedroll on the ground floor. Xephos had claimed a space on the same floor, which conveniently lay next to the elevator. If anyone attempted to use it, Xephos would be woken up by having a sudden person appear an inch from his face. Like hell Lalna was -- he'd ensured where he lay was as far from the skulls and the elevator as possible. Sjin had fallen upon his own bedroll and collapsed, dead to the world, almost immediately.

Once everything was sorted, Lalna had to talk to him about rationing his magic, because from the sounds of things he'd been casting without a care for his health. And, at the earliest possible opportunity, Lalna needed to interrogate him over the _Queen_. And the other _copies_.

He scowled up at the ceiling. Ha, as if he'd ever accept _merging_ or the _Queen_. Those were on the same level, the _exact_ same level as one another and firmly in the category of _“Things He Will Never Ever Do.”_ The Queen was a criminal, plain and simple. She was fluxed, she was a _murderer_ , she was--

 _A bystander in the wrong place at the wrong time?_ a part of Lalna pointed out.

Lalna scowled. He rolled over onto his side, made eye contact with one of the skulls, and rolled the other way. Well, that was true, technically. Purple had brought up a few files that suggested that the _Queen_ had accidentally fallen into the sphere of flux, the crystals had cut her arms and legs, and large amounts of flux entered her system that way. He'd clicked away from those very quickly, barely even glancing at them. Lalna had caught the gist of what happened.

Of course from the look of it, it had been Purple’s fault. Lalna’s jaw ached from pressing his teeth together. The damn idiot had nudged her in and she'd fallen. The files hadn't said that, but it had danced around the subject in such a way that the actual events were obvious. Or, Purple’s memories were still in Lalna’s subconscious despite them being split apart. Either way, the files Lalna glimpsed were a large amount of health tests and a single report on the incident -- not a single file on trying to repair the damage.

Add that to how they'd gone through three quarters of the files before Green woke up, and Lalna was almost certain that Purple never tried to work out how to fix the _Queen_. If Purple was anything like Lalna, he would have found some solution by now. Or confirmed there was none and told the _Queen_ , and she certainly didn't act like someone who was hopeless. No, Purple wasn't Lalna. Lalna wouldn't ignore something until it became a problem, especially if it pertained to one of his “friends.”

And then there was Green. Who, even as Lalna tried to sleep, was fleeing and screwing them all over.

Why the fuck did Xephos think putting Purple and Green into Lalna’s mind, thoughts, and _everything_ that made him “Lalna,” would be a good idea? A sloth and a craven. How the hell would he survive if they were merged into one _Lalna_? How could he possibly do his job with them in his head?! Those two civilians couldn't possibly handle it.

But Lalna was the one trying to goad Purple into attacking him so Lalna could kill him in “self- _fucking_ -defence.” What did that say about the requirements of his job?

 _But that was, well, there was a reason behind that. Even if it caused Green to run away. And the Queen would have killed me if I killed her copy. No, they aren't_ **_real_** _, they aren't_ **_me_** _, and it wasn't attempted murder!_

Lalna rolled out from the blankets and got to his feet. The room was dark, with the fireplace cold and the sky outside black. As silently as he could, Lalna made his way to the door and slipped outside. He leaned back against the closed door and sat down, gaze lost among the large stones.

 _It wasn't attempted murder_ , he repeated.

_I used Crucify. I nearly cast Starfall. Hell, even Disintegrate and Hemorrhage were among the spells I used._

_But it wasn't murder! Purple isn't real, he's just a magical construct that refused to admit what he'd done! He shouldn't have a right to live! He doesn't even have a pulse--_

Lalna looked down at his wrist. He leaned forward and groaned, pressing his head into his hands. _Fuck. Fuck! Why the hell did I... fuck._

Shaking his head, Lalna searched for a distraction. The rocks had done a number on the place, however they'd appeared. Hell, one of the walls had a nasty dent in it, with signs scattered all over the ground--

_Huh._

Lalna leaned forward and scooped a sign up at random.

It said, “9) NUKE HAT FILMS’ DEMISE,” in unfamiliar handwriting. It seemed unfamiliar, at least. The words had a hurried look about them, and the knife used to carve them into the wood had slipped in places.

Lalna checked the backside of the sign, but there was no further text. _What a weird thing to write_ , he thought. _How the fuck do you nuke demise?_ At least the “nuke,” part explained the need for smuggling.

The next sign Lalna checked said, “7) NUKE HAT FILMS AGAIN,” which did not explain anything. Lalna scowled. Had those two seriously been nuking people? Not just abstract nouns? For gods’ sake, as if he needed _more_ reasons to prove why Purple should be taken out. Arrested. Whatever. Lalna reached for another sign, placing the other two to one side.

There were a long string of numbers, then the phrase, “6) INTERESTING CO-ORDS.” If Lalna had to guess, he'd say those belonged to the Hat Films base. The next sign said, “3) Nuke the Flux Lab,” and the next said, “8) LAUGH AT HAT FILMS’ DEMISE.”

Oh. Right, the signs were numbered. Laughing at the demise came before nuking it. That explained _that_. Lalna was on his feet now, rearranging his collected signs into the correct order.

 _So this is a to-do list_ , Lalna thought. _To-nuke list, more like. Jesus fucking... I need to find where they're keeping these nukes. Have they made them yet?_

Absentmindedly, Lalna reached for another sign.

“1) Rehome the Questing Ram.”

Lalna stared. Weren't questing rams an endangered species? He and Sjin had found one in a brief foray into the Twilight and headquarters had gone nuts. Why was one of them on this list? And at the top of it, no less.

There was something strange about the sign as well, but Lalna couldn't put his finger on it. He could literally put his hands onto the sign, that was, but figuratively he couldn't.

He kept looking. The last sign stated, “2) Cool Twilight forest gear,” quite plainly, and he put the sign with the others. The same strangeness hit Lalna as he did, looking down the line of signs.

 _I'm still missing two._ Lalna reached for his wand, internally swearing as he found, again, that his pocket was empty. _Ok, I'll do this manually. Sign four and sign five, maybe that'll clear this up._

As quietly as he could, Lalna cleared the porch. Starting at the door, moving back, checking each zone twice meticulously. He even moved the rocks he came across and placed them at the base of the stairs.

He found one sign abandoned at the bottom of the stairs. He could just about make out “5)” written on it, but someone had taken a knife and slashed out the rest. Still, Lalna put it with the others. Lalna also found a yellow, cartoonish heart and two frames in his search.

Finally, he found the last sign. It was in a shrub next to the stairs, caught in the branches.

 _There you are,_ Lalna grumbled, scooping it out and climbing back up the stairs. He tossed it between sign four and six. _Right, so now what?_

Lalna went down the line, comparing each sign to its neighbour. Nothing stood out, except for the scribbled out sign. If he just had his wand, he could repair it and figure this out.

 _What's to figure out? They're just signs about blowing people up and the Twilight_ , Lalna thought. His eyes landed on sign number three.

Hang on.

That wasn't about Hat Films.

“3) Nuke the Flux Lab.”

Lalna felt like a gorgon had met his gaze. _What the fuck. What the_ **_fuck?!_ **

He had seen that phrase fairly often. It had been bandied about in meetings and letters when they had all discovered the damn castle. But bombs of any sort didn't work on taint. Taint did something to the core of the biome, twisting it’s magic and forcing it to feed the taint.

That wasn't the problem.

Lalna had written that phrase before. He knew the shape of the words. And even when carved into the sign with a knife, he recognised his own hand. Lalna could even spot where the other had slipped and tried to sand the mark away.

Again, Lalna looked down the line. That was his. Not the signs about Hat Films, none of the ones in capital letters. How did he not notice that basic difference between the signs? How did he not spot his own handwriting?

As he stared, and really _looked_ , Lalna’s blood went cold. _Why did I put you upside down?_ he thought, staring at sign four.

It was. He had put the sign in the line backwards, lying with the words facing the floor.

_That's not normal._

Weights were tied to each of Lalna’s fingers. It took him an age to simply reach forward to turn the sign over. Even then his hand hovered, not commiting.

 _This is just pathetic_ , Lalna thought with a scowl, and flipped the sign over.

In Lalna’s handwriting the sign said, “4) Save Nano From the Taint.”

‘Oh.’

Vaguely, Lalna could remember seeing the wall full of signs. He hadn't paid it much attention, too focused on capturing the Royals and bringing them to justice.

 _That was there the whole time,_ he thought numbly. _We just had to look right, and we'd have realized what was going on._

 _Or we'd have not noticed my handwriting and just kept attacking,_ a sour part of his mind said. _It's written in_ **_knife_** _, for goodness sake._

Lalna picked the sign up, re-reading it as if the words would change. _Guess I was wrong about Purple ignoring it,_ he thought. His hands were shaking. _“Save Nano from the taint.” I wonder if he's made any headway._ _Probably not._

Lalna groaned and dropped the sign, pressing his hands over his face. _Ok. Here's what's going to happen. Tomorrow, I get my wand back. Then, we find Green, we figure out how to get back in my, our body so we can actually be_ **_alive_** _, we work out why we're like this, we_ **_fix_ ** _it, and then, and then, fuck I don't know. I can't arrest myself for negligence, unless we are seperated and are _ **_alive_** _._

 _The Queen--_ Lalna scowled as his eyes landed on the sign again. _\--argh,_ **_Nano_ ** _and_ **_Purple_ ** _still slaughtered a mountain of dwarves. But I don't know the reasoning that led them there. But it was genocide. But I don't have any evidence, just distorted, months-old accounts and vague rumours. Dammit, maybe Sjin’s right and this isn't a clear cut case. I’ll need to interview them both after this is all sorted out. If she's guilty of crimes outside of being accidentally tainted, we can arrest her then._

 _Argh. I've interacted with her for less than a day and I'm having doubts. Fuck you, Purple. _ Lalna then pressed a hand to his forehead and groaned. _I just thought “fuck you,” to a colour. Today has been just_ **_great_** _._

Lalna breathed in. Then he stopped breathing. No strain appeared from locking the air in his chest. No urge to let it out or suck in more. No blackness around his vision. Nothing. And when he did start breathing again, he didn't gasp or let it all out in a huff. It was like someone pressed pause on a remote.

He pushed the signs into a pile. Without his wand or the moon in sight, Lalna had no idea what the time was. With a sigh and a final glance at the signs, Lalna went back indoors.

He had a feeling he'd be able to sleep now.

 

 


	13. Momus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is chapter 5 of 6 published today (19/12/2017). The latter half of this chapter is a summary.

‘Nano! Leaving in five!’

Nano attached the shrunken rocket launcher to her belt. ‘I know!’ she yelled back to Lalna, then quickly started counting. Launcher, bazooka, shotgun, rifle, machine gun, pistol, ammo, sword. The empty spot where her portal gun should have been _itched_.

Upstairs Nano could hear Blue complaining. ‘--can't send me there unarmed--!’

‘I'll give it back when we're closer!’ Lalna snapped.

Lalna appeared on the elevator for a second, then tapped his foot again and vanished.

The other Lalna sounded irritated as he groaned loudly, although muffled to Nano’s ears.

Nano finished double checking, then snatched an extra sword from the armory. It was a basic thing, made of iron and sapphire, and Nano swung it experimentally. Nodding, she resheathed it and headed upstairs.

Outside she could see Xephos and Honeydew by the moon rover. It barely looked like a rover any more from their cannibalising. The watery sunrise reflected off the edges.

Blue’s head snapped up as Nano stepped off the elevator. He had a different dress on. It had lighter shades of blue. Nano didn't give the copy a chance to say whatever insult he planned for.

‘Catch,’ Nanl said, tossing the sword Blue’s way as she passed. Blue fumbled and caught the sword a moment before it hit the ground, and then Nano was out the door. ‘You two ready?’

Honeydew nodded. ‘We'll put everything back when we're done,’ he said, cracking his back.

‘Nah, we haven't used it since we built it. A car’s more useful,’ Nano mused.

‘It's not really a car,’ Xephos’s voice said. His head popped up from behind the not-rover. ‘More like a motorised carriage crossed with a four wheel drive, except with none of the safety.’

‘Great. Think it can get us to Hat Films?’ Nano said.

‘Uhhhh, no. It'll be close. We can at least get to Sjin’s farm.’ Xephos gave the rover a light kick, nodded, then threw the wrench over his shoulder. ‘Right, that's done.’

‘We off then?’ Sjin called. Nano scowled upwards at Sjin, who was sitting on his golden ball of light.

‘Waiting on Lalna,’ Honeydew said. ‘Dibs on front seat.’

‘Nah, I'm navigator and L-Purple’s driving,’ Xephos said calmly.

Nano heard footsteps behind her and a faint _snk_ of a sword being sheathed. She neatly hopped down the stairs and away from Blue, pretending to be engrossed in the rover’s makeover.

Blue was staring dubiously at the rover. ‘...Sjin, have you done anything to that?’ he said warily.

‘Ah, a couple safeties, cushioning spells, one to make it hold together so we can drive faster, basic stuff,’ Sjin said. He leaned back against thin air, somehow not falling off his sled. ‘Your spells working?’

Blue raised his hood. ‘Seems to,’ a neutral voice said.

Nano squinted, keeping her face turned away. She could barely see Blue’s face, despite how the morning light should have easily dispelled any shadows the hood cast. Blue flicked the hood back off and the strange shadow faded.

Lalna rounded the side of the building and hopped into the rover. He dropped a substantial picnic basket onto the seat beside him. ‘Right, let's go!’ he said, hands drumming impatiently on the wheel.

Nano took the seat behind Lalna. Xephos, Honeydew, and Blue climbed on board a moment later, Xephos almost sitting onto the picnic basket. Thankfully, Honeydew had sat between her and Blue. As they buckled up Nano glanced up at Sjin, who had floated down the hill.

‘Question, how good are your spells in keeping vehicles together?’ Lalna called towards Sjin. He had a sharp grin.

‘Good enough,’ Sjin said with a frown. ‘It took flying into a tree to overload them the last time they did. Why?’

‘No reason. How fast is your beach ball?’

Sjin blanched, turned, and started speeding towards the path to Hat Films. Nano could spot his wand moving, and the ball started to move him faster.

Lalna accelerated.

* * *

 

The rover ran out of fuel within a ten minute walk from Hat Films’ base. Countless craters distorted the landscape, with only a few patches of greenery remaining. They left the rover in one of these, Lalna giving it a farewell pat. In the distance, the tacky white sign of the Hats’ was perfectly capable of giving people sun blindness.

‘You know, we'll need to fix the shield generator to clock on automatically if they fire a nuke,’ Lalna said quietly. Ahead, the others debated on going through the trees, or going through the exposed lands and turning Lalna and Nano invisible early. They debate ended in favour of the trees, despite the threat of lurking mobs.

‘Everyone, we need to wait about half an hour,’ Xephos called. Amidst Blue’s frustrated and very loud groan, Xephos continued. ‘The Hats eat at about nine. We go now, we'll get there too early and they'll just ignore us ‘till they're done.’

Nano heard Blue mutter something. It sounded like: ‘Why the fuck do you know _that_.’ Sjin promptly gave Blue a nudge with his shoulder, Blue doing the same back.

‘Well if we need to kill time, I've still got this.’ Lalna held the picnic basket. ‘Breakfast of kings ‘n all.’

Nano raised her eyebrows. ‘Didn't you pack sandwiches?’

‘Yeah, didn't I say?’ Lalna shook the basket and grinned. ‘Breakfast of kings.’

Nano caught another irritated groan from Blue. When she turned, the copy had twisted on his heel and marched several metres away. With an expression like someone had drawn a dick on his face, Blue took out the sword and started carefully swinging it.

Nano pursed her lips and turned back to _her_ Lalna. ‘...I've got beef, and bacon, and... Nano, why are there noodles in this one?’ he was saying.

‘Your fault, you were half asleep last time we stocked up,’ Nano said. She glanced around the small patch of trees, found a clear space that wasn't looking too irradiated, and sat down.

Lalna doled out the sandwiches, soon turning over the basket to Honeydew. He sat down beside Nano as Honeydew walked off.

‘Seriously though. Noodles? When did I get that?’ Lalna said.

‘Uhhh, just before I went to Lom and Nilesy’s place, and we figured we'd be too lazy to make food when we got back--’

‘I know _that_ ,’ Lalna whined. He held up the noodle sandwich and gave her a pleading look. ‘But why were there noodles?!’

Across the tree patch, Honeydew offered the basket to Sjin, who deftly plucked out two.

‘Why do you think I know?’ Nano said. ‘I was tired too, mate.’

Lalna pouted. ‘They're all dry. I don't want to eat this,’ Lalna said.

‘Then don't! Just chuck it somewhere. There's no way you can pollute this place any worse than Hat Films already has.’

Sjin offered Blue one of the sandwiches. With a grimace, Blue shook his head.

‘Yeah but then...’ Lalna started to say. He trailed off, eyes fixed somewhere in the distance.

Nano followed Lalna’s eyes. Nothing of particular note was there, other than Sjin walking. ‘What?’ she said.

‘Uh... hold that thought,’ Lalna said. He got back to his feet.

‘No, what? What is it?’

Lalna didn’t reply. Instead he put his hands in his pockets and started walking towards Blue.

As Nano watched, Blue fumbled. The sword slipped a bit. Blue corrected himself, but the mistake was there long enough to be seen. Honeydew and Xephos’s conversation halted.

Blue glanced towards Lalna, his eyes narrow. ‘What?’ he growled.

‘...Your stance is wrong,’ Lalna said slowly.

Blue’s eyes darted downward, then back up to glaring. ‘No, I’m standing correctly,’ he said.

Lalna snorted. ‘Yeah, sure you are.’

‘What do you want?’ Blue said. Blue still had the sword out. Nano was uncomfortably aware of how the point could be flicked up in a second. As stealthily as she could, she laid a hand on her pistol.

‘Not much, really. You know that’s mine, right?’ Lalna waved a hand at the sword.

‘I did assume that, yes. The grip looks too big for her,’ Blue said shortly.

Nano shifted her hand to her bazooka instead. She’ll show him something “too big,” for _him_ to handle.

For a moment, Lalna laughed. As he did, Nano watched as he shifted his foot. Wide stance, three and a half rotations apart. His hands were out of his pockets, loose at his side.

‘I guess, that’s--’ Lalna’s hands darted out, struck Blue in the chest, and shoved the other Lalna off his feet ‘--true.’

Blue hit the ground with a yelp. The sword dropped out of his grip.

‘But you have a shit stance,’ Lalna finished.

Sjin swore under his breath and took out his wand.

‘What the _fuck_ did you--!?’ Blue smoothly got back to his feet. One second he was down, the next up and a healthy distance away from Lalna. ‘Why did you do that!’

Nano quickly stood up. Before Sjin could intervene, Nano grabbed his arm.

 _‘Leave it for a second,’_ Nano whispered. Sjin gave her an incredulous look.

‘Easy. You try to fight anyone the way you are, and you’ll die,’ Lalna said cheerfully.

Blue’s back was perfectly straight. ‘I fight _fine_.’

Sjin’s teeth were gritted. _‘If your Lalna does anything, he finds out if he still gets burns!’_ he hissed.

‘I can push you over again, right now, if you keep saying that.’ Lalna bounced a bit where he stood, dancing a bit to Blue’s left. ‘I mean, you’re probably fine when you’re waving your stick around off in the distance. But sword fighting? You’re gonna lose your head.’

‘Oh, I see. The _minute_ you find something to gloat about, you jump on it to preserve your fragile little e--’

Lalna pushed Blue over again.

‘Wha--?’ Blue physically looked down, blinking rapidly.

‘Your legs should be further apart,’ Lalna said smugly. ‘It’ll probably feel weird for a while, but you’ll find you’ll stay upright easier.’ Lalna offered a hand to Blue.

Blue stared at it. He wasn’t staring at one spot, Nano noticed. His gaze was roving across the full surface of Lalna’s hand. Then, just for a second, Blue’s eyes flicked to meet Nano’s.

Nano flinched.

The copy seemed to nod without moving his head, and accepted the help up.

‘Do _not_ push me over again,’ Blue warned, once on his feet.

‘Aw, but how am I supposed to test if your stance is right?’

Nano and Sjin both stayed tense, even as Lalna calmly kicked Blue’s feet into the right spots. Although, “calmly,” may have been too pleasant a word.

‘St-- cut that out!’ Blue stepped back and swung the blade between Lalna and himself. This time, Sjin grabbed Nano’s wrist to stop her lunging. Lalna put his hands up, wearing a cheeky smile. ‘No kicking, no pushing me over, or I’ll--’

Lalna dropped down. Before Blue could do more than give a startled blink, Lalna had swept his leg along the ground and toppled Blue once more. The sword thumped into the dirt.

Blue swore loudly. The topics included a vivid description of Lalna’s gut rupturing.

Lalna tapped a finger against his chin, eyes wide in mock realisation. ‘ _Oh_ , right! You don't want to keep falling over.’

‘I am going to kill you.’

‘Not with your stance, you can't.’

‘ _Slowly_. It'll involve falling stars.’

‘Aw, come on.’ Lalna grinned down at Blue. ‘You've already fallen for--’

Blue’s hands pressed into the ground, Blue pivoted, and when Nano blinked Lalna was on the ground, Blue standing above him.

‘Ow,’ Lalna said, sounding surprised.

‘Ha!’ Blue said gleefully. ‘See! Stance doesn't count for _shit_ if you aren't paying attention! So fuc--uh, I mean...’ he trailed off, gaze meeting Nano’s.

Nano pursed her lips. ‘What?’

Blue immediately looked away again.

Nano’s Lalna was still grinning. ‘Your feet are still too close together,’ he said.

‘Mmph.’ Blue knelt and grabbed the sword. ‘How's this?’ he added.

‘Better, but it's... ok, put your feet back together, I'll talk you through it.’

With a _very_ un-subtle cough, Xephos stepped forward and offered a hand to Lalna. ‘We havr fifteen more minutes,’ he said to both. ‘Purple, no knocking Blue over, Blue--’

‘But it was so much _fun_ ,’ Lalna whined.

‘-- _Blue_ , don't stab Purple, no matter how tempting he makes it,’ Xephos said over Lalna.

Blue scowled. ‘I make no promises,’ he said.

‘Too bad. Fucking _hell_ , you two.’

There was a nudge to Nano’s ribs. Raising an eyebrow, she glanced up at Sjin.

‘...You'll help me pull them _off_ each other, not help yours stab mine, right?’ Sjin said quietly. Lalna was cheerfully directing Blue into finding a long, heavy stick.

‘...Promise to do the same.’

Blue literally threw a stick about the size of a ram’s head at Lalna. Nano heard Lalna dryly say, ‘We're gonna need smaller ones than that.’

‘Sure,’ Sjin said. They watched as Lalna threw the chunk of wood back, and as Blue easily dodged it. Sjin abruptly tensed, his eyes moving from the Lalnas to Nano.

Sjin opened his mouth to say something, grimaced, then shut his mouth again. He repeated the action twice.

After a few seconds smirking at Sjin’s growing discomfort, Nano sighed. ‘I'm not going to bite you.’

‘Course not, never crossed my mind,’ Sjin said quickly.

‘I'm _fluxed_ , Sjin, not a zombie.’

‘Don't take this the wrong way, but most “fluxed things,” they tend to try bite people,’ Sjin said nervously.

And just like that, Nano wanted to set a nuke on Sjin again. ' _Wow_. Just, wow. Do I _look_ like I'm insane?’ Nano snapped.

‘No, no you do not. Look, I just....’ Sjin folded his arms. Barely a moment passed before he shifted again, from foot to foot. ‘I'm sorry, for blowing you up, alright?’

Nano blinked. She'd nearly forgotten about that. In all honesty, the “reasons,” and “logic,” behind her wish to turn Sjin’s-ville or whatever-his-farm-was-called into a radioactive pit, had faded under the general idea of “He's A Bastard Who Should Die In A Fire. And Other Assorted Pain.” But Sjin, apologising? Nano nearly looked up for the winged pigs.

Still. One apology doesn't turn a bastard into not-a-bastard.

‘Uh huh,’ Nano said neutrally.

‘Look, hate me or whatever, but, just... argh.’ Sjin muttered something under his breath. It sounded derogative. ‘You are a criminal. _Your_ Lalna is a criminal. There is evidence pointing to it, even if it was unintentional somehow, but I admit, _we_ should have acted differently. I can't exactly think of one yet that I'd have done--’

‘Anything other than teleport me into a pitch black, dripping prison in the middle of the ocean?’ Nano said. She still had her voice as neutral as she could. Ice was starting to creep into her tone.

‘From our perspective, you were just the _Flux Queen_ , alright? Do you have _any idea_ how many rumours are circling these biomes about you and him?’ Sjin said.

Nano’s voice was absolutely icy. It could become a new glacier. ‘I can't imagine,’ she said.

‘Let me help then. It starts with your infection and ends somewhere around you murdering a mountain of lesser dwarves.’

Nano froze. The ice of her voice turned inward, clawing at her ribcage and refusing to leave as words.

Somewhere in front of her, Nano could see her Lalna gesturing widely with a long piece of wood. He was moving forward and to the right of Blue, keeping the stick between them, explaining something about threats. Honeydew chimed in.

Nano wrenched her gaze away and glared up at Sjin. She couldn't quite muster then ecessary heat.

‘There are rumours about that?’ Nano said. Her voice cracked like wood under fire.

‘...Yes? So you two really--?’ Sjin swallowed, backing up a step.

There was a roar in Nano’s ears. It sounded like lava flowing, cooling, then shattering against stone. If _that_ was what Blue and Sjin thought of, whenever they looked her way, Lalna’s way....

‘Oh ffff... you... wait, Nano?’ Sjin said, eyebrows furrowed. ‘It's a little hard to tell, but you've gone pale, I think.’

 _No wonder they attacked me._ Nano’s thoughts rang with hysteria. **_I_ ** _would have attacked me._

‘Ok, getting a little concerned here? Mainly ‘cause uh, Purple will kill me, and that-- and you’re not looking, I mean you _look_ alright but you don't look ok?’ Sjin’s voice was climbing upwards in pitch, like someone had a hand on his vocal chords and was _tightening_.

‘I'm fine,’ she said, her voice barely audible to herself. That was a feat, considering her mouth was right by her ears.

‘Right?’ Sjin said, his voice still high. ‘How about we uh, we forget this conversation, happened, and stuff, and we talk about this after it's all sorted? Ok?’

‘I--’

‘I mean, you were, um, you were my friend, you know? So, yeah. Talk. We, will do that. After. This. Um.’ Sjin took another step backwards. ‘I uh, bye.’

Sjin could run away surprisingly quickly.

‘...No, hold it there,’ Lalna was saying. ‘See? You're off balance.’

‘I don't think it'll matter if I'm moving at the same time.’

‘Yeah, but who you're fighting isn't going to stay put either. If you're moving, and they move out of the way, you'll be off balance _and_ they'll stab you. And what if you hit bad ground mid-swing? You'll be off balance, on the ground, _and_ \--’

‘--they'll stab me, yes, you keep going back to that point.’

Lalna jabbed Blue in the chest with a branch. ‘Yeah, that tends to happen when you fuck up and someone's trying to kill you. You're a policeman, aren't you? How the heck don't you know this?’

‘You can't really weld a wand _and_ a sword,’ Blue said. ‘Besides, wands are better.’

‘Lasers are good too,’ Honeydew added.

‘But a wand has more finesse to it. It can shoot any old beam of destruction easy, but can a laser summon fire?’

‘Guns can if you shoot something flammable, or if you've got incendiary bullets,’ Nano said. To her relief, her voice sounded normal.

Blue turned her way. ‘But a wand can do that, and put the fire back out again.’

‘A sword can put out fires,’ Lalna said indignantly.

‘Wh-- how can a sword put out a fire?’ Blue said.

‘ _Creatively.’_

‘Guys, guys,’ Xephos said. ‘I think we can all agree that wands, guns, and swords are all good weapons. But a laser is always going to beat that, and you know why?’

‘I'm almost afraid to ask,’ Blue said, eyes shut.

‘Because--’

Honeydew cut over him, with an innocent look on his face. ‘Mining lasers aren't a euphemism for “dick.”’

Xephos facepalmed.

Blue groaned quietly.

‘Boo,’ Sjin said.

Nano frowned.

‘Ok! If you two are done, we should get going.’ Xephos inclined his head towards where they could _just_ see the Hat Films sign sit in the distance. ‘We should be bang on interrupting them.’

With a nod, Lalna tossed his stick in to the distance. Blue’s one followed. Nano opened her mouth just as Lalna took something from his pocket and tossed it at the back of Blue’s head.

Blue flinched when it hit, but caught it long before it could hit the ground. Nano tried not to make any obvious movements as Blue adjusted his grip on his wand.

‘There,’ Lalna said. ‘Told you I'd give it back.’

Blue look unimpressed and started walking towards Hat Films’ base. As he passed Lalna, he swatted the other on the back of the head.

‘ _Ow_ , not cool!’ Lalna said. As he spoke, he melted out of sight.

‘Much better,’ Blue said, smirking.

Sjin slipped beside Nano and poked her in the shoulder. The spell was like a cold wind stealing across her. When Nano looked down, there was only bent grass.

Honeydew glanced between where Lalna had been, and where Nano was. ‘That's spooky,’ he commented. ‘Anything you can do about the blurry parts?’

Sjin shook his head and strode after Blue.

Nano hurried along, nearly tripping on a loose branch. It was weird to see the grass bending under-invisible-foot.

She registered a faintly fuzzy piece of air beside her, right before Nano walked into Lalna. Or he walked into her. It was hard to tell.

Either way, Nano ended up holding her head and swearing, the patch of air mimicking her. Well. She could hear swearing. Nano didn't know if Lalna was holding his head or not. Probably not. Maybe his stomach or elbow.

Ahead of them, Nano could hear Sjin laugh. ‘This is going to go terribly,’ he said.

‘Just stick to the plan,’ Blue said. There was a faint movement from his direction, and then a voice said, ‘Speaking of, you should put your hood up.’

Another voice said, ‘Yes _mum_.’

‘Never mind the invisibility, _that_ is spooky,’ Honeydew said.

One of the voices said, ‘Oooo, I'm a ghooooost.’

‘Sjin, really?’

‘Don't give me that tone, you wanted to do it too.’

As they kept walking and the two hooded figures fell silent, Nano grinned. She found Xephos along the line and slid next to him.

‘You know... a mining laser can be used as a euphemism too,’ she whispered.

Xephos mumbled something unsavory.

* * *

 

‘...make sure you both stay close. We'll need to recast if this takes too long,’ one hooded figure said. They were approaching the top of Hat Film’s bare hill. Nano could see the gaudy, bright purple entranceway up there. Ugh.

The hooded figure -- who Nano _thought_ was Sjin -- paused for a second. His hood moved, like he was looking around, and he waved the group to stop. His wand lit up, he poked a section of empty air, then Nano’s shoulder again.

Sjin (maybe) then added, ‘Try not to move around too much, especially when they're looking your way.’

‘We heard you the first half dozen times,’ Nano’s Lalna said.

‘Yeah, and you shouldn't keep talking to thin air, Lalna,’ the other hooded figure said. Wait, was he Sjin? The first one was Blue? Nano inwardly groaned and swapped the mental labels she had on the two. It was almost a relief, not seeing _his_ face and hearing _his_ voice, but she would never hear the end of it if she gave them the wrong names.

‘Yeah, _Blue_ , stop talking to me,’ Lalna said gleefully. Nano could no longer see the air that was Lalna, but he sounded like he was ahead of her.

‘Purple...’ Xephos said warningly.

There was a long silence. Lalna then whispered, ‘You couldn't see it, but I just zipped my lips shut.’

‘Oh my, this air is talking somehow. I better electrocute it,’ the figure that Nano assumed was Blue said. ‘Honeydew, Xephos, don't forget the story.’

‘We know,’ Xephos said.

‘Make sure they take us the right way, you--’

‘We _know_ ,’ Xephos repeated.

The hood shifted like he was nodding. ‘Right. You know the emergency--’

‘Blue, stop it,’ Honeydew said. They were getting closer to the door. ‘We all know the plan, and the backup plan, and the “fuck everything,” plan. This isn't our first raid.’

‘Right, just making sure,’ maybe-Blue said.

Honeydew shook his head, a smirk on his face. He then reached up and jabbed the buzzer next to the door. It was purple as well. Nano squinted. It looked like there was glitter in the stone.

Honeydew held the buzzer down for a few seconds, and then stepped back.

'Your backy forth-y deal with these guys is still running, right?’ Honeydew said to Xephos.

‘It should be, don't bring it up or it'll be “mysteriously,” cancelled,’ Xephos muttered.

Sjin (?) winced a bit. ‘Don't mention my farm anywhere either, or they'll bother _me_ again,’ he said. Ok, it had to be Sjin then. ‘I really don't want them poking at my things when I'm not there.’

‘How do those cloaks work, anyway?’ Xephos asked.

‘ _Magic._ Duh.’ Despite having his face hidden and voice stripped of well, everything, Nano had the impression that Sjin was smirking.

Xephos looked distinctly unimpressed.

‘There's runes etched between layers of fabric,’ Blue explained. ‘There's protective ones and there are identity protecting ones, but there's only so much space so you can have one or the other.’

‘Or you can get the ones with both, and then get spotted _and_ die horribly,’ Sjin added.

‘You have runes in your clothes.’ Xephos was rubbing the bridge of his nose.

‘Yeah?’ Blue said.

‘The same runes that exploded on Green, and on the plane--’

‘The _Spruce Moose_ exploded?!’

Xephos waved a hand. ‘It only exploded a little bit, but that's beside the point. You have _runes_ in your clothes?’

‘Unlike us all, the people who make these are _not_ amateurs,’ Blue said sharply. Blue then muttered something. Nano caught the words _fucking Frankenstein's plane_.

After a moment, Sjin reached forward and jabbed the buzzer as well.

Nothing happened.

Blue’s hood turned towards Honeydew, who shrugged. ‘It's a big base,’ he said.

‘Obviously compensating,’ Nano whispered.

‘Nano you aren't muted, shush,’ Sjin said absentmindedly.

Nano nodded. It took her a second to note how they couldn't see her nod. Nano then opened her mouth to reply, thought better of it, and closed her mouth. It would be a little awkward to respond after a good thirty seconds of silence, after all.

‘...Heh.’

‘Purple, I just said--’

‘Sorry, sorry, it's just... what do you think these guys look like in the thaumometer?’

‘...Like them, but with lights everywhere?’ Blue said slowly.

There was a rustle of fabric. Lalna swore.

‘You forgot the thaumometer is invisible as well, didn't you?’ Honeydew jibbed.

‘No,’ Lalna said. He spoke much too fast to sound believable.

Blue cleared his throat. ‘Anyway, how long does it _usually_ take them to get here?’

‘Only a couple minutes,’ Xephos said. He reached out and banged the door. ‘We're right on time, so they should have already showed up. And they don't have cameras up here....’

‘Oh! You guys are policemen, can you break in using search warrant crap?’ Lalna said.

Sjin’s hood turned towards Lalna’s voice. ‘We don't have... hm. If we had paper--’

‘It's illegal to forge that stuff though,’ Blue said.

‘Yeah, yeah it is, but Green’ll be arriving at Hole Diggers soon, right?’ Sjin glanced at Xephos.

‘Uhh, he'd have got there half an hour ago. Maybe fifteen minutes? We used most of our fuel to get to Sjin’s place quickly, so he'd either need to get fuel somewhere or be slow,’ Xephos said carefully. ‘But it does take a while to turn off security for _everything_ , so he'll be stuck for at least another half hour.’

‘If he even went there,’ Sjin growled.

‘He went there,’ both Lalna’s said. Blue coughed. ‘Still, we can't forge a search warrant.’

‘Yeah, you're right. We need to _use_ their teleporters, not wander around looking for magic,’ Sjin said.

‘...On the other hand, we can always do this.’ Blue took out his wand, the end lit up, and tapped the doorbell.

Faintly through the door, Nano could hear a continuous buzzing.

One minute passed and the door swung open. ‘Oi! Cut that out, you'll break-- the fuck?’

Nano did not move. She did not so much as twitch. She just stood still, right behind Honeydew, and glared at the selkie before her.

Trott stared at the doorbell, which nobody was touching. Nano could hear the buzz still going off.

‘The hell did you do?’ Trott muttered, tapping the button himself.

Sjin cleared his throat. ‘Excuse me.’

Trott jumped about half a foot. ‘Holy shit! What the fuck are you lot doing _here_!’ he snapped.

‘A simple matter,’ Blue said. Something in his stance seemed to shift. ‘These two individuals were stranded in an investigation towards the Fluxed Royals, and require escort to their homes. To our understanding you are capable of transportation directly to their biome, and our investigation requires our presence there within the next--’ Blue glanced at his wrist, ‘--ten minutes. Well? Why are you standing there? _Move._ ’

Nano was torn between grinning at Trott’s flinch, and glaring at the back of Blue’s head.

‘Why’re these two involved?!’ Trott said.

Blue’s voice was brisk and clipped, miles more than Nano had heard _any_ of the Lalna’s be. ‘Did you not hear when I said the _Fluxed_ Royals? Or are you so dense that you are incapable of thought?’

‘I fucking heard you, alright? Besides, passage ain't free, isn't it?’

Blue drew his wand.

‘I know your voice,’ he downright hissed. ‘One month, three days, the _Unicorn’s Patch_ , wasn't it?’

Trott blanched.

‘Did you not tell me, you had been a victim of the Royals? You said you were _cursed_. I would have thought you'd have been _eager_ to see them finally behind bars, as we are at the _cusp_ of capturing them. Or are you deliberately obstructing justice?’

Honeydew and Xephos were both staring at Blue. Sjin’s hood was also turned Blue’s way, and Nano could imagine he was staring in confusion as well. Thankfully, Trott didn't seem to have noticed.

‘Well?’ Blue snapped, walking forward. ‘Are you part of this? Should I call in an investigation of this company?’

‘No! No, don't do that, just follow after me and I'll get it ready, two minutes to set up, top!’ Trott babbled, then spun and _ran_.

Blue, back straight, lead the group through the door. As Sjin passed he paused by the door, letting Nano slip in next to him. The buzzing abruptly cut off.

Down, and down, and down they went. It was a struggle for Nano to keep up _and_ stay quiet, especially with motion sensing doors lining the corridors. She really, really hoped Hat Films did not have heat sensing cameras.

 _But if we can pull this off, I could make potions that do this,_ Nano thought. _Good luck shooting us if we've stolen all your missiles_.

They soon reached a long, brightly lit hall. It was lined with display cases, with annoyingly fancy books in each. Nano spotted on lined with intricate owl patterns, another with LEDs of all things. At the end of the hall, there was a very large and overly decorated door.

‘Just wait here, I need to fetch the head of department to open the door,’ Trott said. With a nervous glance at Blue, he vanished through another, much plainer door.

‘...You’ve met Trott?’ Xephos said.

‘If that was Trott, then yes I've met him.’ Blue was still speaking in the brisk tone. It _really_ did not sound like “Lalna.” The rhythm and speed of his words just sounded _off_. ‘He gave us the lead to the Royal’s base.’

‘Great, just... great,’ Xephos said.

‘This is the door, then?’ Sjin said, facing the lavish door. Nano could see carvings of vines, pigs, jewels, coins, crowns, various piles of weaponry, food, and dead monsters strewn over its surface. There didn't appear to be any reasoning or structure behind the decorations.

‘Yep. The book’s in there,’ Honeydew said.

Nano walked as close as she dared to it, and bobbed down. On the other side of the door, she could just about see a shimmer copying her. Lalna had stolen her idea.

Sjin’s wand lit up. White numbers snaked into the air. ‘By your estimates, we've twenty-five minutes at least. And that's only if you're right.’

‘And even if we aren't, we have a fucking space station. We can just point a camera downwards and we can cover a lot of ground,’ Honeydew said.

The plain doors burst open.

‘Out of the way!’

Nano watched as Trott raced back in the room, quickly followed by Ross. Ross nearly crashed into Honeydew before checking his speed, instead managing to twist and sprint to the large door.

‘ _There_ ’ Ross spat, flinging the door open. It opened inwards, thank goodness. ‘You better pay us back, in _triplicate_ too!’

‘ _Ross_ , really not the people,’ Trott whispered frantically. In a louder voice he said, ‘Really, you don't need to come back, you police-y guys can have this free of charge! Really!’

Honeydew just walked into the room. A faint shimmer followed. ‘I just put my hand on it, right?’ he said over his shoulder.

‘Yes, now just, _leave_ already!’ Trott said. He was glancing between Sjin and Blue, shifting in place.

Nano frowned. Where was Smith? Hat Films was a trio, not a pair. One for building, one for tech, and one for-- _oh_.

_That could be bad._

As Blue passed her, Nano tapped his wrist.

‘ _The third one does magic_ ,’ she warned, as quiet as she could.

Blue’s head rose and dipped.

Honeydew’s hand was on the book, gaze fixed to an empty patch of air. A moment later there was a loud _vrr-rrup_ , two flashes of light, and Honeydew was gone.

Nano breathed a relieved huff. Lalna was out. Now all--

There was the sharp sound of a gun cocking. ‘ _Ross!_ There was something invisible--’

‘I saw it!’ Ross cut over Trott. Great. He _also_ had a gun.

‘There's something invisible in the room with us!’ Trott continued shouting, gun raised.

 _Dammit_. Nano shot a glare at Trott. _At least Lalna-- why is he looking at me?!_

‘Calm down,’ Blue said. ‘There's nothing there--’

‘There fucking _is_ you cu--’

Nano saw Trott’s hand twitch.

A gleaming blue shield _snapped_ into life just as Trott opened fire. A white one appeared a moment later, and Nano felt Xephos clamp a hand around her arm.

‘Come one! Move _move move move!_ ’

Nano nodded and ran forward, trying not to think about how failable magic can be, or how guns can shoot around things, or a bullet hitting the copy of her friend and her oldest mentor--

She slammed her hand on the book’s pages, and a moment later she was falling.

* * *

 Clothes bundled in his chest, Lalna tried to breathe.

Things were ok. He’d overridden security, he'd refueled the shuttle, he'd gotten his things, and everything was fine. Lalna had food. He had everything he needed.

Apart from safety and mental stability, but really, who needed that? Ha ha. He was fine. He was _fine_.

Lalna pressed a hand flat against a panel, and the door slid open with a _click_. The hallways were empty and silent. Most machinery was switched off per protocal. Everything but the essential equipment -- so security, the remote systems, and of course the Vault.

The Vault couldn't _really_ be switched off anyhow. Just monitored, turned down to minimum processes. It risked instability but really, anything would be unstable if it was a nuclear reactor.

And he was leaving it behind. An unstable reactor, that he and the others built, right in the heart of their home.

Lalna stopped walking. _Why did I walk this way,_ he thought grimly.

The door to the Vault stood by him. He could almost feel it stare, accuse. _You're ditching your friends. For what?_ Lalna thought. _You think you'll be safer on your own?_

For a moment, Lalna expected a reply. He expected something to say _yes_ , to say _you need to go_. But nothing happened. It was kind of stupid to expect one anyway.

 _I shouldn't leave_ , Lalna thought. He sighed, eyeing the door. _Why the hell did I run away, that was_ **_stupid_** _._

Thought in mind, Lalna turned and--

* * *

 Blue materialised, yelped, and fell two feet to the ground.

Honeydew saw Blue’s mouth open, and so Honeydew raised his voice. ‘ _Yes_ , I know, we should have mentioned that it drops you off middair, you don't need to tell us a third time.’

Blue pushed his hood off. ‘I was not going to mention that,’ he said calmly.

‘You weren't?’

‘No, but I will now. Why does the book teleport you middair?’

Honeydew deliberately turned around and returned to searching through crates. ‘Right, everyone get into pairs. We've got bad news.’

Across the barren rocks that were Crappy Island, Xephos hopped down from the _Rimhopper_. ‘It's been here for at least an hour,’ he yelled.

‘L-Green should have been out here still, turning off the security, but he ain't,’ Honeydew said. He soon found the green glowing staff and pulled it from the crate. ‘So, we need to split up. Nano, Purple, you're off to scout Lovely Island, Blue and Sjin, you're inside the Aych, and Xeph and I will check the station.’

* * *

**Summary begins here.**

* * *

They split up to find Green.

Nano and Purple go to Lovely Island with their jetpacks (given the singular teleporter wand to return quickly if needed). Sjin and Blue go to the Big H (wands = easier time fighting indoors/less damages, they hope) and Xephos explains that Lalna must place a hand on each scanner by each door, else they be blown up by guns. Xephos and Honeydew go to the Dwarfstar (spacesuits are calibrated for them, plus Lalna's suit is missing, so perhaps Green is still there).

Sjin and Blue enter the H, and are relieved that Lalna is able to open the doors.

Nano and Purple land at the island. They initially have trouble because the iHoney StarPad requires flight to reach but the cave it is in makes the jetpack's echo very loud. Instead they opt for climbing, Nano grumbling about Green stealing her portal gun. They reach the pad and find absolutely nothing. At some point during the Lovely Island scenes, Nano slips a bit about the Lalnas dying, which Purple picks up on.

Back in the H from Sjin's point of view, Sjin and Blue hear a loud sound from below them. They head towards it, Blue opening doors as they go. The two stumble across the entrance to the Vault and debate whether or not to go inside. Note that they see the word "Nuclear," what they assume is a hazmat suit (described as a spacesuit), and Sjin notes that the floor is warm. Blue says that Hole Diggers has underfloor heating, and Sjin gets a glimpse of Blue looking confused/scared, but doesn't comment. They then hear someone approaching from down the hallway and they take cover. Blue looks, then points to himself to indicate that it is a Lalna.

Sjin sees another Lalna dressed in a grey hoodie, carrying the portal gun and one of the weapons Xephos and Honeydew use. Also, that Lalna has another over his shoulder, in Blue's police outfit, bleeding from the head. The conscious Lalna has a set look on his face. Sjin proceeds to slip out of the room to ambush the Lalna. Sjin only takes a step before the Lalna whips around and drops the unconscious one, then fires the portal gun at his feet. Sjin is disorientated from gravity warping sideways and before he can do anything other than scream and start to form a spell to try stop himself falling he slams into water.

It cuts to Purple's perspective in which Nano hears and then locates a portal formed near the top of a cliff. A few seconds later Sjin shoots out of it. Nano and Purple pull him out of the water. Purple then asks Nano to look after Sjin and promptly uses the wand to teleport back to the H before she can properly protest. Purple takes a second to wonder how to open the H's doors, then hears something rumble from below.

Back to Blue. He is somewhat shocked that Green just portaled Sjin away and is a touch too slow to stop Green shutting the portal. They fight, causing some damage to the Vault and setting off alarms. This distracts Blue and Green flees. Blue chases Green (seeing blood drops and fearing what happens if their body dies). Green blows something up to make a shortcut outside, Blue catching up in the open air using spells to make him faster.

Green proceeds to put a gun to their body's neck and threatens to kill it if Blue steps any closer. Blue opts to tackle Green instead, his spells letting him move fast enough to stop Green firing in time.

Purple spots this right before Blue tackles. They roll down a hill and then start fighting, so Purple uses the teleportation wand to their body instead. He finds the sight of the head wound disturbing and moves to give first aid. Green spots and then shoots him, sending Purple sprawling to the ground in pain. And I mean a lot. He curls up and shivers beside the body, screaming a bit, you know, beam injury and such. Purple also got knocked around a bit and a lot of his stuff fell from his pockets as the blast _flipped him over the body_. Once recovered, Purple apologises for getting so much stuff over the body and reaches for bandages. 

Then, Purple notices the thaumometer lying on top of the body's arm. It is showing green. Purple looks at the fighting Lalnas through it and sees that one is blue and one is red. Purple yells this information to Blue.

It goes back to Blue's perspective, back a few minutes to show Blue trying to fight someone abusing portal mechanics while Blue is trying not to destroy the landscape/his opponent. When Purple reveals that it isn't Green Blue is fighting, the fourth Lalna swears and pauses for a second to press a button then fire at the ground. Blue makes use of how the fourth Lalna stopped moving and hits him with a Troll, leaving the fourth blinded and the portal gun on the floor. Unfortunately the fourth escapes through the portal and then breaks whatever surface it was on and the portal cuts off.

The chapter closes with Green groaning, Purple trying to stand, Blue being exhausted from the fight, and hearing Xephos yell something from the teleporter to space. 

 


	14. Chapters 14 - 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is chapter 6 of 6 published today (19/12/2017). The entirely of this chapter is a summary, encompassing chapters 14 - 18.

**Chapter 14 - Adrasteia**

Honeydew and Xephos return from space and find the three Lalnas. Green is bleeding and struggling to regain consciousness, Purple is in pain from being shot, Blue is sitting in the dirt looking exhausted, and there are sirens going off. Honeydew goes to patch Green up and Purple explains how there was a fourth Lalna and Sjin was portaled off a cliff. Xephos prevents Blue running off when the latter is mentioned and goes to get Sjin and Nano. As Honeydew examines Green’s wounds, Green slowly becomes aware again, and Honeydew discovers that Green isn't actually wounded. The blood is fake. On the other hand, Purple certainly feels like he was shot with a laser, so Honeydew instead tries to patch the invisible wound on Purple instead.

Nano, Xephos, and Sjin portal back. After a momentary confusion at how Green isn't attacking him, Sjin goes around and uses magic to heal all the invisible injuries while Xephos heads off to check how badly Hole Diggers is damaged. The conversation is focused around what the newcomers missed and Green being extremely confused.

Once everyone is well they meet in the shuttle. Green gets to have non-fake-bloody clothing. During this scene, Purple is completely silent and holding the thaumometer. The meeting opens with Xephos telling them all about the damages in Hole Diggers, including massive damage to the reactor's safeties and security. Simply put, the place is now a giant bomb that Xephos is going to need to tend to within the hour.

Blue offers to help fix it. There is a silence as everyone is confused at why Blue said this, and Green hesitantly offers to help to break said silence. Xephos declines. After all, the Lalnas still need to know when and why they split apart so they can fix this. Green points out that technically, they've already _done_. They are all separate people now. Mission accomplished! Xephos disagrees because none of them are real (no heartbeats, no visible injuries, likely an inability to heal without magic as an aid) and Nano immediately backs Xephos up (to Blue and Green’s vocal confusion).

Purple abruptly explains how they Lalnas are all going to die if they don't fix this. Nano is shocked at Purple knowing, and Purple explains how Nano slipped at Lovely Island and the thaumometer colours were going haywire. Purple then brings up how it must have been the fourth Lalna who made sure the three Lalnas switched locations correctly, and must have been aware of the entire situation, and might have been trying to fix it/know why it happened. He's their best bet to solving whole mess.

> ‘Who knows,’ Purple said, ‘maybe he's been working to fix it.’
> 
> Blue gave Purple a flat stare. ‘He knocked Green out and tried to kill both of us.’
> 
> ‘...Ok, maybe he's not. We should still go find him.’

The topic changes to how to find the fourth Lalna. The Lalnas collectively work out a way to get the coordinates out of the portal gun. Then, someone could teleport there with the gun and open another portal. Xephos exits to stop explosions and the rest get to work.

The chapter ends with them stepping through the newly created portal to see a ruined factory.

* * *

  **Chapter 15 - Hephaestus Kullopodíōn**

They are at the Jaffa Factory ruins. After stepping inside and at Green’s suggestion, Honeydew splits them into teams of two. Sjin, Blue, and Green will head upstairs, Honeydew, Nano, and Purple will go downstairs. Almost immediately Honeydew is annoyed and informs his group that Xephos took out his earpiece _again_.

As the two groups explore, Green and Blue start to snipe at one another. They head up through the floors and while it starts out as friendly bickering, their interactions start growing tenser and tenser.

Meanwhile, downstairs, Purple starts wondering what they'll even accomplish if they find the other Lalna. One more person to be clueless with them? Oh, and Purple gets lost between the ancient quarries and doesn't notice how he's away from the group.

Team upper floors reach the top one and start a full blown shouting match, in spite of Sjin’s efforts to get them to knock it off. Green starts thinking about how it would be easy to beat Blue in a fight. All he needs to do is get the wand. Once he has that, Green can just shoot Blue. It would be easy too. Blue would hesitate. He knows that the shards are “ _real people_ ” after a--

Green abruptly realises that these are not his thoughts and drops his sword, immediately declaring that something is messing with his head.

>   _Probably the “officer,” the corrupt little coward that he is, looking for any excuse--_
> 
> ‘And you can  shut the _fuck_ up!’ For lack of a better option, Lalna glared upwards and jabbed a hand at the ceiling. ‘I know for a _fact_ that it ain’t Blue and you know why? His wand is _not_ glowing, so you can just _shut it!_ ’
> 
> _...Shit!_
> 
> Blue’s head jerked to stare at empty air. ‘Did you just swear?’

After a brief conversation they realise that splitting up was an extremely stupid idea because they forgot how this Lalna can apparently mind control the other Lalnas to some extent. _Then_ they realise that Purple needs to be warned and they run downstairs.

Cut back to Purple’s perspective, who is feeling increasingly jumpy and useless. In a daze, he steps into the pit after subconsciously turning his jetpack off. He instantly regrets it after “losing his balance” and scrambles to turn his jetpack back on. Sjin _just_ catches him with magic, and about five seconds later the jetpack turns back on. Purple reckons he would have hit the ground long before then.

The group all return to the first floor. During the conversation on what to do next (and how the fourth wasn't at all likely to help them willingly), Blue notices something and walks off. He then triumphantly finds a hidden passage by pushing Nano through a wall. It was a minor illusion. The group all head through and get ready for a fight.

* * *

**Chapter 16 - Tartarus**

Before there can be a fight, however, the group need to find where the other Lalna has hidden. They make their way through what soon becomes apparent as a hidden laboratory, complete with spare outfits and projects belonging to each of the Lalnas. During this period, Purple ends up with the portal gun.

After getting through the rooms (and traps) they successfully break into where the last Lalna has barricaded himself.

It's a mess in there. It looks like someone has clawed at the walls with how many scratches there are in them, and many of the monitors (which show camera footage of other parts of the lab when they are working) are smashed or flickering. The party take in the sights and the fourth Lalna welcomes them into his home in a bitter tone. They don't see him at first. Instead they see the back of his chair. Lalna also puts the room into lockdown.

At an appropriately dramatic time, likely when one of the group try to appeal to his better nature, Lalna does a dramatic chair turn to face them all. He looks completely normal. He isn't wearing a lab coat, or a blood speckled outfit. Lalna is just wearing a hoodie. Lalna incredulously asks why the hell he would help any of them. He's _helped_ enough. He's tried so many ways to try fix himself, and there is nothing that's worked, _and all that time I've had to ferry the shards of **my** mind off to **their**  homes and **their**  friends and **their**  lives to try stop myself breaking even more!_

The group pick up on the fourth Lalna’s repeated use of “their.” Nano, Sjin, and Honeydew tell the Lalna that they want to help. The fourth Lalna knows why this happened. With that, and all of them working on it, they can find a solution.

Lalna leans forward in his chair, looking more at their feet than at them, then cheerfully says: _Or I could kill me on my own terms!_ And then he activates the trapdoors. Bright red lines shoot out, circle around everyone who is not a Lalna, and drops them out of the room.

Purple doesn't reach where Nano was before the floor seals again, and after fruitlessly hitting it demands to know where their friends are. Blue shoots magic at Lalna, but it hits a shield. Lalna shrugs and says that they're heading down the garbage chute. They'd be fine. Probably. Or was that the button for the incinerators? Lalna muses that the three of them _were_ his friends at some point (before you three _stole them from me_ ) so he wasn't really aiming to kill them. That privilege was reserved for himself. Meanwhile, Purple attempts to use coordinates to portal out, but the portals only appear within the room.

Lalna muses that he _is_ usually busy babysitting one of the three _shards_ so he doesn't know all the buttons that well. It probably was the incinerator. Soz, mediator, Lalna says towards Purple. Guess you won’t see your... “flux,” buddy for a long time. _But you wouldn’t mind if I sped up the process, would you_?

The chapter ends with Lalna shooting at Purple.

* * *

  **Chapter 17 - Quattuor Populo Intra**

Blue intervenes and conjures a shield between Purple and Lalna. At Green claiming that their friends are more than capable of escaping an incinerator, Lalna mocks how none of them noticed what was going on. Nano never wondered where _Lalna_ went. Honeydew never cottoned on that _Lalna_ was never hiking. Xephos never realised who Sjin’s colleague was, and Sjin himself never realised who public enemy number two was. You think those are the signs of _smart_ people?!

As Lalna talks, he keeps trying to shoot them. Eventually he pulls out a remote (which Green recognises) and a spellbook (which Blue recognises) and he casts Troll on Blue. The spell ignores the shield and hits Blue. As Blue staggers Lalna explains exactly what the spell does to the other Lalnas then snaps that he knows Blue’s shields and spells inside and out. Green returns fire, some of which miss and hit the panels behind Lalna, and Blue starts to recover. Lalna then summons two demon cows to attack them. Blue is unable to control the summoned creatures, nor do his spells work, so instead he takes out his borrowed sword to deflect the cow’s tridents and charges Lalna.

Lalna rolls his eyes and half-heartedly fights. Blue finds it painfully obvious that Lalna is just mocking him. As they fight, Lalna icily explains their “origin story.”

Once upon a time, a person named Lalna wanted to be powerful. He made complex machines and biome-shifting magic, and then one day he even managed to improve his own brain. Innovation was _easy_ . He had made his mind _efficient_. And then, one day, a mage called Rythian wanted _retribution_. He wanted _revenge_ for a silly little war. Now, Lalna and Sjin were both told to get rid of the issue, and so they did. Sjin went off and kidnapped a dinosaur, and then he was arrested by the Magic Police that Rythian brought with him. So, naturally, simple extortion wouldn't get Rythian to back off the Jaffa Factory. He had to do something more drastic… but the Magic Police were capable of reading minds, so anything he did could be traced back to him.

Lalna starts grinning, because Blue and the other Lalnas are all horrified at what they are hearing.

Lalna then explains that he put the nuke under Blackrock. He'd been the one to turn it into a crater and its inhabitants to skeletons. Then, he'd simply leaned away from the memories. When the Magic Police came around, he was _completely_ innocent. They still don't know who killed Rythian, who killed Zoey, who killed Tee.

And then something went wrong. The stupid _shard_ , his _folder_ for _information storage_ went along and _stole his life_. He'd been fine with it, because it was fixable, and then Nano fell out of the sky and another shard stole her after he'd locked her inside her tower! And _then_ , they were _thick enough_ to blow up the castle with naga and jarred loose yet _another shard!_ Do you have any idea what it's like to wake up behind a stranger's eyes who walk and talk like him but fundamentally _fail?!_ And nobody noticed his _imposters!?_ And now? Now each of them are incompatible! And then they kept _poking_ at the fragile threads that still tied his brain together!

He accuses the other three of killing him, so tearing them apart with his _bare fucking hands_ would be delightful.

And then Purple and Green successfully use the portal gun to fling the last living cow into Lalna’s distracted-by-Blue face. He is thrown into the computer panels and in annoyance kills the cow. Purple, Green, and Blue surround and ready weapons at Lalna. The three of them reject Lalna’s opinion. They seem to work together well enough.

Green then looks at the computer panel and realises that Lalna’s pressed some buttons. Gas starts to fill the room and in spite of Green’s best efforts to fix it. Lalna bows to them and proclaims that none of them are leaving this room alive, which the other three think is downright _idiotic_. Purple raises the portal gun and starts trying to get around whatever Lalna has set up to disable non-line-of-sight portal creation. Blue meanwhile recovers his wand (falling over halfway in pain) and tries to spell them out of there, or make a shield and Green keeps trying to fix it. All the while, Lalna is just laughing at their efforts.

Blue gets fed up and after getting the spellbook back he drops a table onto Lalna (which thankfully knocks him out). The three get to the door and start trying to break through, starting to get delirious as they do. Purple starts babbling about Nano to try get himself to focus, and Blue brings up possibly helping. Green says something about trying to make a vaccine because Blue works for the Magic Police and has other responsibilities, but Blue falls unconscious before he can hear the full comment.

* * *

 Honeydew, Sjin, and Nano sprint up from the lower levels, somewhat singed. They reach the door and it is partially open, gas spilling out. Sjin uses magic to pull the three Lalnas out of the gas. Nano gets the portal gun and passes it to Sjin, who fires one at the wall (commenting that Blue is going to kill him for magic overuse again) and teleports out. Honeydew, meanwhile, is pulling the door open wider.

He proceeds to run into the room, successfully locates the fourth Lalna underneath the table, and runs back out of the room.

At the end of the chapter, there is a scene back at Nano’s forest. They are still rapidly cycling through colours… and then as one they all dissipate.

* * *

  **Chapter 18 - Winged Nike**

This is the epilogue. Lalna is sitting outside of Hole Diggers, nursing a headache, and is trying to work out how his brain works. He had been unconscious for three months, and he'd woken up an hour or so ago, had a brief chat with Honeydew, and promptly ran out of the building. Throughout this, Lalna’s narrative has a “glitchy” look to it, with thoughts being cut off, contradicting one another, and so on, and every time Lalna’s headache grows worse. (His opinion on chillies is both loathing it, ambivalent, and enjoying it, for example).

Lalna gives a small recap of what Honeydew had told him. During the past few months, Xephos has mostly been underground trying to stop the place exploding. Hat Films had broken in while the rest were confronting (and here is a “glitch” because Lalna both was the confronted and confronters), and they had broken a lot. Sjin had been popping in and out, as had Nano, and both are on their way back here.

After a bit more introspection, Sjin and Nano arrive and things promptly become awkward for Lalna. He's glad to see/scared of/on the fence about Nano and/or Sjin and/or Xephos and/or Honeydew.

Thankfully the group give him space to recover. Except. That doesn't help in the slightest, because Lalna isn't sure what he is trying to recover _to_. There are a few more scenes (finding his wand, checking on the reactor and fleeing before Xephos spots him, coming across Nano and Sjin sparring?).

Lalna gets fed up, finds everyone, and explains to them how he's been having troubles. The group try think of ways to help out, including spells, medicine, and just keeping away from Lalna until he has a better handle on who he is.

Lalna disagrees with this. Trying to fix the symptoms isn't going to fix the problem. He needs to move on, Lalna suggests, make his own memories instead of Purple, Blue, Green, or Red’s. (Delivered in a worried/babbling tone): He knows that he isn't quite the same as the other Lalna's, and that the others may not like this "him." But he can't expect them to pretend nothing happened either--

Honeydew sticks out his hand, cutting Lalna off, and introduces himself. Lalna still has an awful headache, but he appreciates the gesture and shakes his hand. ( _Lalna, I'm Lalna_ ). As he goes around the group and re-introduces himself to everyone, he thinks about what each one has lost. (An older brother, a fellow scientist, a partner in arms).

Craggy Island and Lovely island are described as the story comes to a close. The narrative camera pulls back from the group. Birds caw to one another, young and old. Sunshine beats down on the beaches. Lovely Island is shedding leaves. Autumn is here and everything is going to be fine.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made you all wait for two years. I'm almost positive that two years of struggling = I'm not going to finish these. Who knows, maybe I'll hit inspiration and then silently replace a summary with a chapter. But, for now, I think I've made you wait long enough for the chapters I did manage to write. Although, each are messy. I haven't edited them as well as I should have. 
> 
> I hope that what I planned was sufficiently satisfying as a conclusion to make up for how, well, it isn't written properly. Course, looking back, the outlined version of events is far more dramatic sounding than I'd thought. I hope that you enjoyed yourself regardless. Have good holidays and new years!


End file.
